Just tell me the truth

[Fiadh]

@Friday i really get your post and I haven’t yet found a person who I can reality check with- and don’t suppose I will. Because the people I talk to (rarely) sit there, nod, and then assume I’m putting blame onto myself that doesn’t exist. But it does exist and I just want that to be acknowledged I think, don’t know why. If not acknowledged at least not for them to deny that ‘no it can’t be all your fault’ and that I believe that it was your fault that yes xy and bloody z did contribute and you made that bloody choice at that time and it led to this happening. But it won’t happen, because in my experience of talking therapies- they don’t want to focus on this negative action- blame some other f*cker or some other factor.

@Junebug thats an interesting question and as I’m thinking about it now, I would have rather died with them in the situation than go through the life I’m living now.

@The Albatross- contributing factor towards my rigidness prior to the event- I’m a control freak in unfamiliar or uncertain situations. Before this event I was just the same so it blew my younger mind away. Stubborn bugger.

@Justmehere thank you for your wording has made me think about the choices I have moving forward

And thank you for your comments earlier @Ronin, @Freida and @Muttly. I felt crap yesterday so didn’t feel like I could reply but your messages made me think and it’s nice to have understanding from others and to share.

I’m don’t think I’m ready to go back to therapy, I’m angry and pissed off. Probably need to sort that stuff out in my own head before delving into deep stuff like this with a person in real life- especially as I want/expect them to be kick ass truthful and that might not be answers I want to hear at the moment. I would rather blame myself than speak about the sadness of the situation

 

[Friday]

But it won’t happen, because in my experience of talking therapies- they don’t want to focus on this negative action- blame some other f*cker or some other factor.

It’s part of my interview criteria.

I don’t want to be “led on a journey of self discovery” :wtf: I want a straight up ally who will work with me, argue with me, laugh with me, and tell me I’m being a f*cking idiot when I’m being a f*cking idiot. And I’m reeeeeally up front with that.

“How comfortable are you arguing with clients?” Is one of my first interview questions. Really, only preceeded by their education & experience in my trauma types.

If they answer back with any kind of syrupy “I find it’s best to blah blah blah blah ” (some version of the exact opposite of what I just asked, still without directly coming out and saying “No.”) ... or reply with some kind of touchy feely crystal talking drivel* in the sing song speaking gently voice reserved for infants and small animals? (what am I? A brain damaged newt? Ewww. Go away. You’re oozing all over me) That’s all I needed to know. Nope. Next.

The ones who make my short list? Usually give some version of the following

I can be :sneaky:
I would have to know you a bit better.
Ah. You’re going to be a fun client.
Snort. I work mostly with cops & vets. Yes. Arguing is in my skill set.

* I know perfectly lovely, rational, witty, sharp as a whip people who talk to rocks. They do NOT use that saccharine sing song woowoo voice. Nor do they speak drivel.

 

[Freida]

“How comfortable are you arguing with clients?” Is one of my first interview questions. Really, only preceeded by their education & experience in my trauma types.

My T actually said this to me at our first meeting. Because she expects her trauma clients to get pissed at her she wanted to know how I thought I would handle it. I haven't yet let her piss me off, which she keeps trying to do by calling me out on my crap :laugh:

 

[Fiadh]

Yep above is exactly what I want/need to find if I ever go back into therapy. Unfortunately NHS is a get what you are given- unless you pay private, which unfortunately I cannot do. But I can ask to switch therapists if they don’t argue with me enough lol. Honesty... honesty... that’s all I bloody want. Only then will I consider putting myself through trauma therapy again. Thank you guys, made me smile, can imagine an interrogation scene of- ‘how much are you willing to call me out on my own bullshit’ ‘Do you ever lie to clients in order to make them feel better within themselves, even if it’s not the best outcome in the end’. I’m prepared now. Will get a list of questions prepared for future potentials

 

[Tinyflame]

Because I have such a strong tendency towards taking things on that aren’t mine? And I know it? It’s reeeeeally important to me to have someone I can reality-check with.

Someone lying to me about something that IS my fault, or partially my fault, isn’t? Is just as useless to me as someone mollycoddling me by agreeing with me when I’m wrong. (Because I’m such a whiny helpless little baby, such a delicate wilting flower, I have to be lied to? f*ck that noise. IDFK whether my therapist is male or female, but the need to have the balls to disagree with me.) Hard truths can be gotten through. Lies can f*ck right off.

especially as I want/expect them to be kick ass truthful and that might not be answers I want to hear at the moment. I would rather blame myself than speak about the sadness of the situation

I agree with all of the above.

I know some people want to be told it's not their fault. I just want the truth.

 

[grit]

@Iriseen
What honestly there is no truth? Just imagine. You believed (or some children believed) Santa is real and then had to relearn not really...

It feels like therapy has a way of making you feel better about yourself even if you did make that shit decision and sometimes just sometimes I want to speak to someone who will be honest with me

What if truly it was your fault AS A CHILD but now as an adult you would not do the same thing. You have more knowledge, or experience or autonomy or adulthood.
Recovery is not to invalidate your old feeling as a child but to accept that truth is no longer good or working for you today. You will not do the same thing today no matter how hard you try because no two moments in the universe are ever the exact duplicate.
I do not know your situation but reading what you wrote, I would say yes you did not do that or this but what would you have done today? And accept both as truths...just different times, different consciousness, different maturity, different person even.
there is no ultimate truth. There is ultimate reality you can share with a person but what they feel and becomes truth for them will always be different than your shared reality.

 

[Rani G2]

It feels like therapy has a way of making you feel better about yourself even if you did make that shit decision and sometimes just sometimes I want to speak to someone who will be honest with me and not talk out of some textbook.

Left 5 Therapists as they (Might have? not sure if I had a badly biased perception) viewed me through their windshields of rigid psychological approaches. Me the client - taking me out of the social context - Not seeing influences, too much unnecessary pathologization, not seeing the connections or not willing to.

This T lays the map out and views the elasticity as well... Not taking/talking the individuals responsibility away but also seeing psychological constructs as constructs, so there are limitations too. Nothing written on stone...