Hitting the one year mark without cutting - ready to majorly relapse?

[Freemartin]

So, next Saturday will mark my one whole year without more serious self harm, ie. cutting or burning. It feels like a big deal - a huge accomplishment and something I’ve worked very hard for.

But. Some part of me is eagerly waiting for Sat and the ”permission” to start cutting again. I’ve not made such a decision, but here I am anyway. I catch myself fantasizing about cutting - I see images of blades and cuts and - what’s worse - it feels so good. Some part of me sees this as a homecoming of sorts. A return to something safe and cozy.

Soooo... what should I do now? How do I stop myself from relapsing? How do I stop this madness? Any thoughts or advice? Can anyone relate?

 

[Wendell_R]

Anniversaries are tough for a lot of people. I think the best way through them for me is to remind myself, and parts of me that act out, that I need to work through this day by day, and not on a "one year" basis. One day is the same as the next, with its own struggles and joys. And every day there is accomplishment in taking care of our whole selves. It helps me to remind the acting out parts that I can take care of them in other ways, and that negotiation and desires about that are reasonable, but self-care about not acting out is simply not on the "negotiable" list.

 

[frogthroat]

First off, congratulations on going a whole year without cutting. That's a big deal. The most I've made it 6 months. I recently had a relapse after 3 weeks of feeling similar to what you describe and I can tell you after giving into that urge I regret it. I felt better for about 5 minutes tops.
What are some things you'd think you could do to get your mind out of that state if it gets bad? Maybe you could go get a coffee or take a hot bath. I think next time I get a strong urge I'm going to go walk and watch birds or focus on cooking a really in-depth recipe or something. Good luck to you. I hope you don't start up again.

 

[Freemartin]

I think the best way through them for me is to remind myself, and parts of me that act out, that I need to work through this day by day, and not on a "one year" basis.

Words of wisdom. Thanks.
This part of me that’s waiting for The Big Relapse is so fed up with self-care and working through things. They only want to give the world the finger and do some damage. It’ll be a challenge to get a handle on this.

after giving into that urge I regret it.

Yeah, me too. I’ve never actually congratulated myself after relapsing. This is useful to keep in mind. Thanks!

Also, the part that wants to relapse seems really fixed on that particular day. (Don’t ask why... :rolleyes: ) I think if I can make it through Sat the rest might be easier.

 

[Freemartin]

I wonder if it would be wise to make different strategies for different parts. There are at least three parts involved that I can identify: one that can’t wait to go crazy with knives (wanting to relapse to this comforting coping strategy), one that wants the whole motherf*cking world to burn (cause reasons?) and one that’s really worried and scared by this whole thing.

Does this sound like a decent idea? Anyone have ideas about how to do it?

 

[Freemartin]

What are some things you'd think you could do to get your mind out of that state if it gets bad?

Oh this. Cold water or ice pack works nicely. So does distraction (netflix).

 

[Sideways]

Can you teamwork this?

You referred to it as “fantasizing”, which is an awesomely accurate word to use. The totally brilliant feels that go along with SH? It is a fantasy. The awesomeness of SH is complete BS. There are better ways to feel good that don’t involve treating yourself like crap and putting your life on the line. You wouldn’t have worked your arse off to be a full year free of this addiction, because it was hard work, and it is a massive achievement, if SH was as brilliant as those 2 parts are trying to persuade you it is. The cost? Is too high.

If different parts have different issues and motivations? Round table it. Get your parts to show up, and have an open discussion about how your parts feel about it (making notes helps me), and then making a plan that meets the needs of each part that is struggling with this.

For parts that see SH as a great big party and aren’t around to deal with the consequences? The rest of the team may want to do something special for that part if they get through the anniversary not SHing. To thank them, for putting the team first. Like, “This part loves mini-golf, so we’re all gonna go to mini-golf the following Saturday to thank this part and let them have a great time, because they’ve agreed to put the team first”.

For parts that find the whole thing scary? Let them share that. And then find ways that are going to reassure that part: we remember you’re there and that you’re scared, and we want you to know the team is looking out for you. Like, each night for the next few weeks, we’re going to spend 10 minutes each evening wrapped in a blanket having a hot chocolate for little one.

Maybe something in there might help? For me, situations like this? If I deal with it collaboratively as a team, it helps to strengthen the relationship between my parts in a situation that had a real risk of causing chaos.

 

[Ronin]

Who is most likely to win if it comes to actions, between the three?

(Or more.)

Other thing I am wondering about, checks & balances. Who can keep who in check, how & by what & for how long, if it comes to being close to acting, and what will you whole do if that is something that happens?

(Wondering if having an after plan would it make more, or less, likely you turn things to action / fantasies lose both their urgency & appeal / need to do them just because counter phobias are weird.)

 

[bellbird]

First of all, congratulations, @Freemartin . Not only for almost making it to one year, but for every single one of the three hundred and fifty-something days you have made it so far. It is an awesome awesome accomplishment, and I am really very proud of you.

I catch myself fantasizing about cutting - I see images of blades and cuts and - what’s worse - it feels so good. Some part of me sees this as a homecoming of sorts. A return to something safe and cozy.

Some part of me is eagerly waiting for Sat and the ”permission” to start cutting again. I’ve not made such a decision, but here I am anyway.

Yes, I relate to this more than you could imagine.

With the "permission" thing, it almost feels like (to me, and this may or may not resonate with you): Ok, we made it to one year. We did what we had aimed to do. Now we can relax.
-- I think sometimes we forget just how hard it is to remain clean from SH, particularly if it was a core coping strategy connected to our trauma. Every day that we don't SH takes effort; some days that effort is unnoticeable, and others it is utterly consuming and exhausting.
With SH still heavily tied with the reward centres of our brain, it's no wonder all or parts of us yearn for it. Much less upon the achievement of a milestone such as an anniversary of being clean.

And once we've made it to that anniversary, the thought of then needing to go another whole year before making it to the next one, can seem an insurmountable task.
Really love @Wendell_R 's idea of

every day there is accomplishment in taking care of our whole selves.

to counter this one.
You've done so well by making it this far. And our pride, and hopefully that of (at least some) of your parts, is not all or bust based on making it to the anniversary every year.

one that can’t wait to go crazy with knives (wanting to relapse to this comforting coping strategy)

Do they like cooking?
Only asking because I've found there are some foods, like raw aubergine, that I find weirdly very therapeutic to cut.
Of course, if being around knives is too much of a temptation, then it's probably best to leave that idea.

If we can help in anyway on the day/before/after, then please let us know. I would love to be able to walk with you through this anniversary, just as you have so kindly offered to help me through my upcoming attempt anniversary.

 

[Freemartin]

Wow, such great advice! I think I need to answer to you one by one. So:

@Sideways :
Thank you, I found your post extremely helpful! I really benefited from your experience! Like this:

The awesomeness of SH is complete BS.

Uh, yeah... :cautious: I guess you're right. It feels like such a f*cking great idea, especially because the sh-party parts really aren't there to clean up the mess - figuratively or literally. But this is good to keep in mind. Like, really good.

Can you teamwork this?

I'm notoriously bad at parts teamwork. Rarely do I get them to discuss things or make agreements. But I guess now is a great time to have another try.

The rest of the team may want to do something special for that part if they get through the anniversary not SHing. To thank them, for putting the team first.

This. I don't think I've ever thought of it this way. That I could ask those destructive parts not to do their thing and then, afterwards, thank or reward them for putting the team first. This souds like genuine co-operation. Wow, this is something totally new and worth trying!

And then find ways that are going to reassure that part: we remember you’re there and that you’re scared, and we want you to know the team is looking out for you.

Yes. Oh yes. Need to figure out ways to talk to the kid part without making him totally freak out. A bit gun shy he is.

I'll definitely look into this. Thank you so much!!!

 

[Freemartin]

@Ronin : Cheers, really good questions.

Who is most likely to win if it comes to actions, between the three?

When the shit really hits the fan, the last man standing has traditionally been the perpetrator imitating part. He maintains his ability to function by shutting everyone else out / down. He takes over and somehow subjugates all other parts. The last thing I'm able to do when things really are rough is self-harm. This cold, emotionless, very matter-of-fact self-destruction. (Wow, how crazy does that sound?)

Who can keep who in check, how & by what & for how long, if it comes to being close to acting, and what will you whole do if that is something that happens?

The ANP, aka "me" can usually keep everyone in check by using distress tolerance skills and generally trying not to f*ck things up. It works until it doesn't. The violent perpetrator part keeps the scared kid part in check. By using violence. When the kid part gets close to a meltdown the violence turns into actual, more severe and compulsive self harm.

(Wondering if having an after plan would it make more, or less, likely you turn things to action / fantasies lose both their urgency & appeal / need to do them just because counter phobias are weird.)

I don't really know. I'll talk about this with my nurse tomorrow. Might be either way.

 

[Freemartin]

@bellbird : thanks, you really were able to relate! I found your thoughts extremely helpful! And the fact that you could relate gave me comfort. Thank you!

With the "permission" thing, it almost feels like (to me, and this may or may not resonate with you): Ok, we made it to one year. We did what we had aimed to do. Now we can relax.

Exactly! Some part really needs to relax and take a break.

Every day that we don't SH takes effort; some days that effort is unnoticeable, and others it is utterly consuming and exhausting.

Yes. This staying clean business has strained me more than I've realized. I'd really, really like to drop this f*cking burden and let myself cut. Just to give myself permission to take care of myself and stop forcing myself to fight this endless, brutal battle. Giving in to those urges and letting myself cut truly feels like the most humane option.

And once we've made it to that anniversary, the thought of then needing to go another whole year before making it to the next one, can seem an insurmountable task.

Uh huh. Indeed. How the f*ck could I survive another f*cking year???

If we can help in anyway on the day/before/after, then please let us know.

Aww, thanks. I think tomorrow (Friday) will be a challenge. I'll be home alone, waiting for Saturday. I guess there might also be this theme on Fri of sabotaging the whole thing. Like, if I relapse on Friday, the whole year without cutting bs will be resolved. Ugh, I hate my head.

Yeah, so I think I'll be posting on my diary, keeping myself accountable. @Chris-duck and @Sophy have suggested we make rice and beans for dinner (it's a tradition of sorts - something we can do for each other when someone's having a tough day), so you (all) are very welcome to join the r&b thing. Maybe it could be tomorrow, as in on Friday?