How long does it take to feel a trust connection with a therapist?

[Hopefulphoenix]

Hi. I have been working with my new therapist since february and Im still not feeling like I trust her or, or we have a particular connection. You know like when sessions start unlocking doors or feel like a relief to be in. I wonder how “normal” this is?
One factor that can influence the process is that I have been depressed for the last month, and my ability to reflect seems to have gone out of the window.
Theres a couple of things she has said that have bothered me. The first was when I asked if she could help me (I really wanted assurance) she said just that she didnt know. She said she didnt want to make promises. Then she commented in our last session that its difficult for her to work with me coz I am so negative to everything right now. Its true, I am. But still hard to hear.
She is very qualified in trauma. I have a feeling with my last t it took ages to trust her. Im probably doubting this as I am on the dark side right now. I just wondered on others experience? Thank you!

 

[somerandomguy]

I started seeing my first trauma therapist in October 2016. I started working on my trauma for real in March 2018. It took me that long to really trust her.

It sounds like your therapeutic alliance is really shaky and if my T had told me that she didn't know that she could help me and that "its difficult for her to work with me coz I am so negative to everything right now" (WTF??) I would probably have never gotten there.

This is really worth talking about with your T. If she can't convince you the alliance is ever going to be there, maybe it's time to try someone else. Not everyone clicks with everyone.

 

[Kubash16]

It would be really damaging for her to make promises and not be able to keep them, more so than you may think.

Her reflecting that you’ve been so negative is a great topic idea. She’s relating what she feels from you which may mimic what others feel and I’m assuming she wants to talk it through to help you get to a more positive place.

Trust takes a long time, don’t try to rush it. Just see how you feel when around her and if she acts ethically. A good way to help connect, bring in photos to tell her stories-good and bad.

 

[Sideways]

Trusting my T, for me personally, isn’t a clear line in the sand where I’m either on one side or the other.

It didn’t take long for me to decide that my T was reasonably competent with the therapeutic approach she was using. Took a looong time for me to trust that process was right for me.

It didn’t take long for me to trust my T with my daily struggles. Yet 3 years in and I still don’t trust her with all of my trauma details (and that may never happen - but that ok with me).

Different strokes for different folks. I have asked every T I’ve had if they think they can help me when deciding whether to try working with them. “I don’t know” is similar to responses I’ve had, and to me, it’s a smart response if it’s early days.

And when I’m being resistant to therapy by knocking back every idea or suggestion? I absolutely want my T to tell me.

Every T has their own personal approach. And every patient is going to have their own preference.

 

[Justmehere]

I do not look for trust as the measure of therapy working or not. I don't do therapy to be able to do therapy. I expect therapy to be a little uncomfortable at times and to sometimes be told things I don't want to really hear. I also need more than 1 hour of relief. I look at if symptoms and skills are improving outside of therapy and if I can form an alliance with the therapist towards that goal. I think it varies as to how long that takes.

 

[Karolina12]

It’s pretty easy for me to tell if the therapist is a “nope” but much harder to know if it’s someone I can connect with.

 

[Mach123]

It took me a short time because I made a decision and I was all in. It took her awhile to believe me.

She said "why me, how do you know, what if you decide you don't like me,"and so on.

I would say "I have to everything conspired to bring us together."

And I just went for it and I knew I might get hurt I already had been several times.

I was tired and I'd been through a bunch of therapists and i felt it was do or die. I didn't care what happened. I didn't want to see any more therapists or start with a new one. I thought if it didn't work I'd stop therapy for awhile or just give up.

It still took a couple years. My behavior was disgraceful and I tried to scare her away and make her send me away and not like me.

But I really wanted to trust her I felt like I had to.

 

[grit]

I really agree with everybody's comment and have had similar feelings and thoughts in therapy search but I will also highlight @Justmehere a bit more.
I will elaborate. I have been in trauma therapy for very short time couple years and in that time I have gone through more than 2* and now settling with the 4. Except the first one who was truly narcissistic, the last two when I look back, were really good at their jobs but it was the wrong time for me.
I am here and strong because of them BUT the biggest learning was my experience of saying no and leaving them - something that is pretty hard to do to be honest with you but I did and it did not kill me and the world did not stop functioning. The main reason I left when I look back today is that I have had very strong psychical and spatial boundaries but not psychological. If I am in a situation that is unbearable, I can remove myself and put that person out of my mind and move on - I guess that is avoidance. But how do you move on if that person is in your head and all I could think of is what you said in your post? What I learned is that if I am talking and defending and fighting and generally angry or hostile or pissed or just super annoyed with my therapist outside of therapist - it is not the therapist that is bad; it is my mental states that are developed to focus on others -not me. I am out of therapy and thinking of the therapist in negative way is no different than being in abusive relationship and all I am thinking is he gonna hit me or yell at me or call me names while I am out of earshot? I am no longer thinking of me and my life and my feelings. The biggest problem of being obsessed with the therapist is I forgot got eat, or sleep or do normal things for myself and of course end up blaming all this on the therapist. I also asked them to help me and got the lame response of I do not know. But I know now. What is the help they could give me other than hear me out and support. They could not go inside my head and make me like them or soothe myself or teach me things I did not learn as a child - simple self-care. These take a long time to learn with another person.

The good thing though: I was no longer obsessed with my mother! ha! The anger and hostility and the hate toward my mother took back seat and I was like how I can survive this therapy rollercoaster the same way? That is the skill I did not learn. How do you stop being played by a person in your head -aka have a strong psychological boundary? Well that recognition for me worked wonders because I realized. I was screwed because my mother was riding my head all my life (or ex b/f or annoying g/f or the clerk at the store or my teacher or my boss...the list goes on) now I found a bunching bag - the therapist. So I have the power to change the mental state - the psychological boundary. This is after a year of dissociation and deep depression, and anxiety that could energize an airplane to fly!

I am going on and on. about myself (after all I am my mother's daughter) but the reason I agreed with justmehere more or less is that the trust you speak of - is really a way to ask: can you trust yourself to survive and to take care of yourself and work with the therapist? you do not need to fall in love or trust anyone until you know them. They are not our parents. They are professionals who know what they are doing. We can judge them in their competence. do they show up on time? do they take criticisms with grain of salt? do they express when they are wrong? We can judge them on these things but not loving them or trusting them or blalahahah in our heads. We go to therapist to learn how to trust - most of us we do? So that takes time and should not be something that happens so easy. By the time you consciously learn to trust a therapist, imho, you are already up in our alley for recovery. If you never do and stay for years defending them in your head, that is like psychosis level, and rightfully so. But if you are falling in love, trusting them on the first session, hmmm that is questionable too and actually probably just as hard to change if you cannt trust them at all. There has to be some improvement in the trust spectrum.

Of course much easier saying than done, of course.

In your post, the fact you are aware that your reflections are down is huge plus. It shows you are not as out as you may think otherwise. I honestly do not like therapist who says to me you are negative especially so early on but maybe, you appear and are more functional (or pretend) and she thought you could handle that comment now and it is obvious you did not. Humans are fallible. You can use your functional side and state you are vulnerable now and need support. No way a good therapist will push that back. Ask what you need rather than having her read your mind.

much easier saying than done of course but his has been my experience.

I left them and I benefited from the leaving experiences and learned a lot more about myself like I can speak up and leave even though I felt guilty and trapped just like when I was a child. I felt abandoned even though I was abandoning. I felt stupid and I felt crazy like I do not get along with anyone - even professionals...but I did and I am happy for learning all those things. But I live in a big city and could also find other therapist which could impact if I was in a small town.

I hope you stay and share your experience and take your time to get back your reflection skills but do not turn off your ability to be alert and assess the situation if it does not feel right. Be safe and be kind to yourself.

 

[Montgomery]

Usually the first few sessions are pretty make or break for me. I'd imagine most people take longer to form a connection though.

 

[NightSky]

I’ve been with mine almost 4 years. The connection was almost immediate. The trust? Still working on that. In my head I trust her. But I’m always waiting for her to not want to work with me anymore, despite her constant reassurance that it’s never the case.
It’s unfortunate that your T would tell you it’s difficult to work with you. Think it, maybe. But say it? I would guess you don’t WANT to be negative about everything. I’m in that place, too. Very negative about all the things. And my T has the opposite reaction. She’s telling me she wants to help me find a way out of this dark place so we can do our work, so we’re looking at the possibility of medication, and she’s in touch pretty often. If she told me I was difficult to work with (which I swear I am) I would probably jet. If it wasn’t for her continual support through the very rare highs and very persistent lows, I don’t know where I would be. If I were you, that would make me feel like i couldn’t just be me. Id have to put on a show. I do that for everyone else. I don’t need to do that in therapy and you shouldn’t need to either.

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

Hi. Just reporting back. Thank you so much for all the replies.
I went back into therapy today and stated how badly it had affected me when she had said I was hard to work with.
She told me that somewhere deep down I knew that she wasnt trying to deliberately hurt me. The strange thing was that I didnt think that I did have that awareness. @grit I thank you for your astute observations. It was like my t had merged with the pervading criticism my mother set replaying in my head.
I was terrified that in a state of depression I wasnt good enough or clever enough to work with and that she would leave.
Of course I dont wish to be so negative and I felt in a way like I had been initiated to attack myself to change.
In todays session she was supportive and encouraging me to continue to do all I can to look after myself and keep going.
I also have to come up with counter arguments to the critic in my head... And try to do so no matter if I believe it works or not.
Im still in a dark and scary place (depression is the scariest thing I know) but I feel less like I am rejectionable because of it now.

 

[hithere]

Then she commented in our last session that its difficult for her to work with me coz I am so negative to everything right now. Its true, I am. But still hard to hear.

this is terrible. why is SHE SO NEGATIVE? I can't speak for you, or for what you need. However, i can tell you what I need in order to do REALLY HARD trauma processing, and what I need when spiraling downward (trauma work makes spiral down) -- I need words of EN COURAGEMENT. Words of "encouragement" -- things like "I like you. I am here for you. My door is open. My heart is here and YOU will work through this. I will be here WITH YOU. THis is hard and you doing awesome!" THat's what I need.

Total BS to tell me I'm depressed and negative. WHat a bitch! She should work at the tire replacement store! not do therapy!

This is of course only my opinion-- but it struc a nerve with me.

When I was seriously depressed and wanted to get better and had been terminated by a shitty therapist, I got on the phone and talked to about 10 therapist who advertised "trauma" specialist. My number one question was, "do you think you can help me?" My number two question was "do you think I can get better?" The only therapist who said "YES" strongly to both of those questions I made an appointment with. That therapist DID HELP me. Until he went to work as a director of a drug rehab clinic. But he did indeed make me feel like I can do it, I can be happy. That's what I needed.

I don't see how you could feel "WELCOME" in that environment.