So depressed and frustrated

[Sinner]

I am having a hard time making myself post anything. I am applying for disability due to bad health. I hate dealing with social security. They want to avoid helping. Meanwhile, I'm in deep financial distress. Cereal for breakfast, Romain noodles for lunch. Really feel like nobody gives a shit.
Bad argument with wife last night. She accused me of being abusive. She has no f*cking idea. If I disagree or argue my opinion, then I am abusive.
As someone who has been beaten, tortured, things put up my penis as a child, screamed at until I posted on myself, thrown down escalator stairs after a beating and left for dead... I understand what abuse really feels like and is. Its definately not an intense debate.
I just want to f*cking give up. Right now I hate myself because I cant help being sick and unable to continue my career. I'm a good man. I deserve better. I deserve to be loved after the hell I've survived. I will probably be left to die alone because these dumbass Dr. Phil wanna be's think they are qualified to convince my wife that arguing is abuse. Well guess what! Married people f*cking argue from time to time. Especially after 20 years.
Forgive me if I have offended anyone but right now I just feel like giving up.

 

[somerandomguy]

Listening and here with you. I'm sorry things are so shitty.

 

[Kubash16]

Please don’t give up, we are here with you.

As far as your wife, focus on taking a breather. Go for a walk if possible, or at least be in separate rooms and find something that you enjoy that can help take your mind off things. Like drawing, doing a puzzle, writing a story, playing a video game. After that, come together and have a serious discussion about what she perceived as abuse. Once you are able to discuss it and come up with alternatives for the next argument, I hope you will feel a little better and calmer about it.

 

[Sinner]

Please don’t give up, we are here with you.

As far as your wife, focus on taking a breather. Go for a walk if possible, or at least be in separate rooms and find something that you enjoy that can help take your mind off things. Like drawing, doing a puzzle, writing a story, playing a video game. After that, come together and have a serious discussion about what she perceived as abuse. Once you are able to discuss it and come up with alternatives for the next argument, I hope you will feel a little better and calmer about it.

I will try.

 

[Friday]

My mom had a problem with my dad’s drinking.

He would come home from work, drink a beer, and go to bed.

Does that make him anywhere near the realm of an alcoholic? Nope. Did he need to go to AA? Nope. But if he wanted to stay married to my mom he had to quit drinking beer after work. Weekends were fine, he could drink a beer in the afternoon and take a nap, or drink a beer with dinner and go to bed, and she didn’t care... because she’d spent all day with him, and he with us. What she had a problem with was his spending all day at work, coming home, and going to bed (because that’s what beer does to him, it’s instant sleep) // never spending evenings with her & the kids.

You don’t have to be raping and torturing your wife for her to have a problem with how you treat her. The same as a person doesn’t have to be an alcoholic for their drinking to be a problem in the marriage. It’s actually a GOOD thing, a normal thing, to be brought problems to solve; because that means she believes you a) love her and don’t want to be hurting her, & b) can and will change what you’re doing so you stop hurting her on accident.

 

[Ronin]

Maybe ask her what concretely she got problem with, and work on that bit.

Quite possible she just did not have better words / words at the moment to say what the hell is an issue, & shoulda needa improvement.

Like do not get hang up on the word itself, used like... once, in an argument even?, but why would she bring it.

Quite agreed hard calling abusive... is a good sign & good sign she believes in you.
She is not busy trying to figure out how you going to kill her the day, or where to hide the kids, or how to hide everything she feels, etc etc. She is talking to you with hopes you two can talk and sort it like adults.

& Nah, don’t give up. Rough patch, this. You got through worse, & will get through this TOO.

 

[Sinner]

My mom had a problem with my dad’s drinking.

He would come home from work, drink a beer, and go to bed.

Does that make him anywhere near the realm of an alcoholic? Nope. Did he need to go to AA? Nope. But if he wanted to stay married to my mom he had to quit drinking beer after work. Weekends were fine, he could drink a beer in the afternoon and take a nap, or drink a beer with dinner and go to bed, and she didn’t care... because she’d spent all day with him, and he with us. What she had a problem with was his spending all day at work, coming home, and going to bed (because that’s what beer does to him, it’s instant sleep) // never spending evenings with her & the kids.

You don’t have to be raping and torturing your wife for her to have a problem with how you treat her. The same as a person doesn’t have to be an alcoholic for their drinking to be a problem in the marriage. It’s actually a GOOD thing, a normal thing, to be brought problems to solve; because that means she believes you a) love her and don’t want to be hurting her, & b) can and will change what you’re doing so you stop hurting her on accident.

1. Arguing doesn't constitute abuse.
2. I would never rape or torture anyone, (period)!
3. You are making assumptions about how I treat my wife. Do Not!
4. You have over stepped the boundaries of being a moderator.
5. Does it sound abusive to you that I have the nerve to disagree? If so, your understanding of abuse is lacking moderator.

 

[Sinner]

Maybe ask her what concretely she got problem with, and work on that bit.

Quite possible she just did not have better words / words at the moment to say what the hell is an issue, & shoulda needa improvement.

Like do not get hang up on the word itself, used like... once, in an argument even?, but why would she bring it.

Quite agreed hard calling abusive... is a good sign & good sign she believes in you.
She is not busy trying to figure out how you going to kill her the day, or where to hide the kids, or how to hide everything she feels, etc etc. She is talking to you with hopes you two can talk and sort it like adults.

& Nah, don’t give up. Rough patch, this. You got through worse, & will get through this TOO.

Well said. I have calmed down a little. I believe it was an attempt to hit a nerve. She did. Lol... One thing an abuse survivor cant tolerate is being wrongly labeled as an abuser. I believe the right to debate and argue are necessary negotiating skills. Necessary for even approaching compromise or solution. Thanks for your support.

 

[Sinner]

I will try.

Please don’t give up, we are here with you.

As far as your wife, focus on taking a breather. Go for a walk if possible, or at least be in separate rooms and find something that you enjoy that can help take your mind off things. Like drawing, doing a puzzle, writing a story, playing a video game. After that, come together and have a serious discussion about what she perceived as abuse. Once you are able to discuss it and come up with alternatives for the next argument, I hope you will feel a little better and calmer about it.

Calmed down now. After 20 years she just knows all my buttons. LOL...

 

[somerandomguy]

Agree that being called "abusive" crosses a line. The only time I ever walked out on my wife was after she called me abusive. I was going to leave her for good. Maybe that wasn't fair of me, but it wasn't fair of her to call me that unjustly, either.

But does she know being called abusive crosses your line?

I believe it was an attempt to hit a nerve.

If she's aware that it crosses your line, this is called "hitting below the belt." There's a reason that results in being disqualified in boxing.

 

[Kubash16]

Calmed down now. After 20 years she just knows all my buttons. LOL...

Good. . . But have you had a talk with her on what she viewed as abusive? I really urge you to validate her concerns and not brush over it as her being dramatic or whatever. None of us were there so none of us can definitively say if you acted abusively or not.

But I want to make a couple points:

1. Just because a person was abused previously does not grant them immunity from becoming an abuser themselves.

2. Arguing can mean a lot of different things to a lot of people. Verbal abuse is a thing, right along with physical. This is a really great conversation topic to have with her to negotiate how you can argue constructively. There doesn’t have to be screaming, yelling, slamming doors (not saying you did those things, but showing that those alone put me on edge because of my history but aren’t physical abuse).

 

[Sinner]

Agree that being called "abusive" crosses a line. The only time I ever walked out on my wife was after she called me abusive. I was going to leave her for good. Maybe that wasn't fair of me, but it wasn't fair of her to call me that unjustly, either.

But does she know being called abusive crosses your line?

If she's aware that it crosses your line, this is called "hitting below the belt." There's a reason that results in being disqualified in boxing.

You made an important point. Maybe we need to discuss that. I will wait till we are not more tranquil. Thanks.