Relationship Struggling with partner going through this tough time

[alanwp]

So here we go... lonnnnng probably doesn't make sense post here...

Another week, and chaos.

We had an alright weekend, went bike riding with the girls, made some food for the week, she went out with a friend, all good on the friends front. We had been doing meditation before sleeping, which fell apart slightly due to the fact one night I was restless which put her off, so I decided to allow her to do that alone to get what she needs from it.

Both been making effort to get back into fitness on our own journeys, eating healthier etc.

This coming weekend she was planning on going to a friends and the girls were staying with me and we were going to go do things together. Our moods seemed good.

She's started a Mental Health First Aider course at work, and after the first day of that, 2 days ago infact, I was sat outside enjoying a cup of tea in the sun after work/gym, she's comes outside and tells me that she is taking the girls with her because she feels that I need some alone time, to help sort myself out.

I ask what she means by that? and she says I'm clearly down and upset, and she can see it and read my mood.
I have been dealing with my overthinking and yes I have been a little upset at times but I am doing that when I am alone, not in front of them. And I have been practising my grounding techniques etc etc etc.

So anyway we carry on talking and she says that I have been acting like we are still together, expecting hugs etc etc.. so I say to her.. hold on, you've been the one coming to me to give me hugs, you've also told me you loved me? so how can that be me to blame for that? and I also explained that I have accepted we are not together, just thought we were still a little close with regards to hugs etc. but kept the main boundaries intact.

So she explains that she doesn't have the energy to constantly say no, so just goes with what I initiate? - now I know she has issues with saying no to things, but to be honest I think this is a load of BS. She cannot pin this on me, I feel like I have been taking advantage of her now, when I have not been!!

So on from this it goes to the, living together clearly isn't working for us as friends as we are both struggling.
She explains that if I look upset, she instantly feels guilty and cant cope with that.
She explains that even though I am doing nothing wrong, certain things I do are actually triggers for her, due to her past experiences in her last relationship.

And that she feels that she is having to put more effort into my wellbeing and mental health, than her own, which right now isnt what she wants as she is actively trying to get back into fitness and healthiness to push her mind into the correct place - now I questioned that one because I told her I wasn't expecting her to look after me, and I didn't feel the need for her to be constantly putting effort into me, I can cope with my moods and feelings myself.

So anyway, we decide that due to the location of the property we are in, in relation to the girls school.. it makes more sense for them to stay in there, and me move out (which is something I put forward months ago in the original moving out for space conversation btw...)
She isn't expecting me to be out straight away and wants me to find somewhere for myself, so I am on a quick journey to hopefully buy my own property at last (and lower my life standards/dreams I'd set in my mind and be more realistic about it)

So yesterday at work I was in an okay mood to be fair, not stressing, maybe this conversation highlighted to me that things do need to change for the best of us both, don't worry about it!

(I feel the need to highlight, in me moving out I am not losing out as she is going to give me money that I had spent on things like deposit etc etc, and all bills will be transferred across to her. I am not being taken advantage of in this situation. But I definitely wouldn't let that happen anyway)

BUT Last night though.. wow. That was hard.

I finish work, go to gym, come home late. They are not in, they return an hour later and they've been on a run across the fields, so I say well done good for you for getting out in the sun and having some exercise.
I ask how the girls day at school has been, they replied, I ask her how her day has been, she replied yeah okay and continues to sit on her phone. Only the girls ask how I am.

Over the next 45 minutes I come in and out of the room maybe on 3 different occasions (didn't know what to do with myself as they was in the living room..), I offered a drink, I attempted to start a small talk conversation, and also tried.. now you've finished this 2 day course at work will you be able to explain what the role of mental health first aider is to me? - she summed this up in a sentence, and that was that... y'know 2 days of information into 5 seconds... so I say well, thank you for the conversation, and leave.

Later that night I'm laid on bed searching for property on my phone for literally 5 minutes, she storms in says my attitude stinks and that I haven't tidied my mess in the kitchen (I had, I was awaiting the dishwasher to finish to swap the loads around) so I ask what her problem is today? as I am actually in a good mood and didn't want to fall out, and just have normal conversation, or be asked how I am.

She fires up, stating that all she is wanting is to be left alone and how dare I not allow her to be able to not have a serious conversation for once, and have the alone time she's been asking for over and over again. Saying that my attitude and mood is terrible (I was fine) and that I just need to respect her wishes for once.
This did piss me off to be fair, as I had hardly spoken and wasn't being in a bad mood? Just tried to get some type of conversation out of her a couple of times, y'know could just say no, leave me. So I just explain to her that I wasn't aware she wanted to be left alone as I am not a mind reader, and that I will just leave her alone as she wants, and respect her wishes.

She did meditation in the room next to the bedroom which is open plan, and she asked if she could do this, I just told her to do whatever she needs to do for herself, and that I was going to sleep and respecting her wishes. She then slept with one of the girls (I'm in the process of getting a bed sorted for me in the spare room for now)

I literally don't understand what I have done wrong here, yes a few days my mood was low but I was trying to keep that away from her... but wow, I honestly feel like she is doing this to PUSH me away completely!!?, there is no need for it at all, none what so ever. I know I'm far from perfect and my issues haven't helped at times, but her triggers and the fact that she has admitted she is impossible to please as no matter what, I'm sure to do wrong for doing right.

Infact thinking about it no matter what I say, it gets turned around and seems like I am the one to blame!!?? She gets triggered and has to walk off literally whenever I try to put my point across or my feelings or thoughts, as if she always is right, when she damn well isn't. She will be talking to her friends making out I have done something wrong! - or just not talking about me existing at all haha - I won't be taking this personally, I'm going to just let it slide and let her do/think/feel/whatever she wants, as I can't change that.

But anyway, I will leave her alone now and respect what she asked for, so... no WhatsApp messages, no talking or initiating conversation, she has to start it, I told her I am there for her if she needs me to.. which yeah will make it awkward in the house tonight, but then I will hardly see her for the next week as she is away then I am on nightshifts for the week.

I am actively trying to move now (it might take a little time), I will pull myself away a little more from this situation without making out I am being petty, and definitely don't want to affect the house for the girls...
I am continuing on my path of finally looking after myself, but out of all of this, I just wish it wouldn't go like this? I don't want to lose a friend. I love/care for this person so much and I can see how this isn't really her.

So yeah, no idea. Just gonna keep my head down, smile and be there if ever needed, sort my life out and leave. As no point anymore.

Thankyou for reading, I can't imagine I will be able to post much more about this now, she is on her journey (alone as much as she wants) and I will just get on with my life accordingly.

 

[Hojay]

Ugh, yes, this is rough, and I'm so sorry to hear it. It would have been nice if it could have transitioned into a friendship with no boundary bustings and hard feelings, but from what you'd written before, it just didn't sound like she's in a place to re-define the relationship in a constructive way at the moment. I think what threw me off about what you described was the fact that she wanted to end things, yet still felt comfortable that you performed relatonship-y duties. That was just one element, but something about that screamed "no boundaries" to me, and I'm not surprised that those things are now being thrown in your face.

Staying friends after breaking up can always be hard, but I think doubly so when PTSD is involved, because the goalposts can change without notice.

she's comes outside and tells me that she is taking the girls with her because she feels that I need some alone time, to help sort myself out.

Which could be called projection. She's clearly struggling to keep her boundaries. It's confusing and strange to be told something about yourself that isn't true. Prolonged exposure to that can really put a number on you. But it sounds like you've got your head on straight still, so that's good.

So anyway we carry on talking and she says that I have been acting like we are still together, expecting hugs etc etc.. so I say to her.. hold on, you've been the one coming to me to give me hugs, you've also told me you loved me? so how can that be me to blame for that? and I also explained that I have accepted we are not together, just thought we were still a little close with regards to hugs etc. but kept the main boundaries intact.

I suggest not engaging in these crazy-making conversations. You just cannot win them. Stuff like this shows a lack of taking responsibility for one's own behavior. Even if you initiated hugs and/or acted like you're still together, it would be unfair to view those things as completely divorced from the dynamic you BOTH created.

So she explains that she doesn't have the energy to constantly say no, so just goes with what I initiate? - now I know she has issues with saying no to things, but to be honest I think this is a load of BS. She cannot pin this on me, I feel like I have been taking advantage of her now, when I have not been!!

Again, not taking responsibility, and also painting herself a passive victim of the dynamic. Good you're not standing for it.

I literally don't understand what I have done wrong here, yes a few days my mood was low but I was trying to keep that away from her... but wow, I honestly feel like she is doing this to PUSH me away completely!!?, there is no need for it at all, none what so ever. I know I'm far from perfect and my issues haven't helped at times, but her triggers and the fact that she has admitted she is impossible to please as no matter what, I'm sure to do wrong for doing right.

You've done nothing wrong, is the thing. Other than perhaps not putting a stop to any and all physical and emotional contact yourself (which I think would have been a little too much to ask of you, and which is why I kept arguing that it's often up to the person who breaks up to put a stop to those things. Anyway.)

There can be a lot of distorted thinking and projection going on when triggered. It's jarring to be faced with that, because--having mostly dealt with non-disordered individuals--we're not used to having someone's reality differ so completely from ours. And when it does differ from ours so vastly, we're used to applying logical arguments and communication techniques to bridging that gap at least somewhat effectively. But those techniques don't apply here. When someone else is right-fighting while also entangled in some form of distorted thinking, you can't win.

Infact thinking about it no matter what I say, it gets turned around and seems like I am the one to blame!!?? She gets triggered and has to walk off literally whenever I try to put my point across or my feelings or thoughts, as if she always is right, when she damn well isn't.

This sounds eerily familiar. My ex was a master at turning conversations around and always finding a way to blame me. He was very quickly triggered by me expressing how I feel and think. Believe me, I broke my brain trying to figure out how to communicate with him so this wouldn't happen. But it happened no matter what because it wasn't my communication skills, thoughts, or feelings that were flawed. It was the filter he applied when he was listening. I soon realized that I was nothing more than a movie screen onto which he could project whatever mental movie was playing for him at the time. It wasn't my fault. Isn't yours either.

 

[alanwp]

@Hojay thankyou for your reply, it helps me knowing I'm not going mad here.

It's hard don't get me wrong but I'm just going to do my best to keep my head level, be nice, not stressed or upset Infront of her and the girls. And just get on with it.

She will hardly see me for the next week anyway, so that should do her some good I guess, and will definitely do me some good. I'm trying my hardest to get a room sorted, as well as making plans to move once I can. But my own room will mean I'm in no rush just now (plus she cannot afford the place alone until she gets some money coming in soon.. and I wouldn't want to just up and go and mess her about like that, remember I'm still wanting to be a friend to her in the long term)

But simply.. leave her to it, avoid conversations about any of it for now, and if she wants to talk she will have to come to me.

 

[Freida]

I'm sad to admit that what she is doing makes perfect sense to me. I may have (ok - have) even done it a few times in the past...... No - you are not to blame and you are not losing your mind. It's all part of the fun filled world that is ptsd.

I honestly feel like she is doing this to PUSH me away completely!!?,

Yep. I can't deal so you have to go. Then I'm going to be mad that you leave. Rule #1 - you can't win.

there is no need for it at all, none what so ever.

There is -- in my brain When I'm in that place I'm desperate to feel some kind of control - even if that comes from hurting those around me. I don't want to hurt them -- but I can't deal and my coping skills are less than ideal during those times

I suggest not engaging in these crazy-making conversations. You just cannot win them. Stuff like this shows a lack of taking responsibility for one's own behavior. Even if you initiated hugs and/or acted like you're still together, it would be unfair to view those things as completely divorced from the dynamic you BOTH created.

This!!!! Don't get pulled in. But. When hubby doesn't engage it pisses me off. So -- there's that.

There can be a lot of distorted thinking and projection going on when triggered. It's jarring to be faced with that, because--having mostly dealt with non-disordered individuals--we're not used to having someone's reality differ so completely from ours.

@Hojay is right - you have to think of it as a different plane of existance. The stuff that runs thru my head when I'm there is so completely different than what it should be. It's like I'm looking at a totally different world and it's damned confusing. Which makes me cranky

we're used to applying logical arguments and communication techniques to bridging that gap at least somewhat effectively. But those techniques don't apply here.

nope. Because I'm not in a rational place. No matter what hubby says to me it's going to piss me off. It's the whole push/pull of ptsd.

The next question is what do you do? Sorry - I have no idea. I have no clue how hubby gets thru it. but hopefully it helps to hear that this isn't about you. It's about her and how ptsd turns our world upside down

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sounds like she's being an asshat. Don't let her be an asshat. Start those boundries. Remember, you cannot make someone feel something. It is not your job to tip toe around her triggers but rather her job to manage them. And she cannot mindread (a PTSD symptom) your moods. I would some how make those boundries clear as well as physical boundries. Such as who gets the dishwasher and whom needs to wait. If you are waiting for the dishwasher then you are waiting for the dishwahser. You didn't leave a mess. I would mark out as many physical and emotional boundries as you can. Remember, boundries are what you will or will not put up with. She's being an asshat (mind reading, blaming you for whatever, [insert asshaterity here]) then you will walk away. I would also maybe get that bedroom ASAP so you have your own quite place that no one is to enter without permission that you can retreat to. So that walking away doesn't have to be out of the house but rather you have a room that she isn't allowed in without permission. That helped me a lot with being able to walk away before an explosion happened as my family members would follow me and that made it so...much...worse! It helped to be able to close the door and leave the fight out there!

Lay these boundries when all is calm. We all PTSDers will be asshats to everyone if allowed. Don't allow it to be directed at you!

 

[alanwp]

@Freida that makes complete sense and thankyou for your insight.

Either way, I don't think I'll be sticking around much longer and when she can actually sustain a normal conversation with me, I'm going to have to ask her a few favours if I must move out somewhere temporary while I sort the bigger picture.

 

[alanwp]

@lostforgottensoul

Thanks for the reply. I get that but if I say anything it just causes irrational anger and arguments from her so I'd rather avoid that as it triggers me into defensiveness. And anger.

I need to be able to sit and talk about the situation. Because she did say there's no rush to move, so of that's still the case I will sort my own room. If that's not the case anymore I'll be finding a room to rent somewhere while I sort stuff, and she will have to look after my pets and my extra car etc while i do that!

 

[LovingH]

Wow that meditation SURE is helping her /sarcasm

Yeah, sounds like she's sabotaging things for some reason. When you first said you guys would still be living together, I was wondering how on earth that was gonna work.

I've tried living with an ex after a breakup, and it isn't long before we're at each other's throats for one stupid thing or another.

 

[alanwp]

Well she's away for the weekend at a friends.. I said bye to them as we had an uneventful few hours at home beforehand with no disagreements etc.

I went out for drinks with a friend last night in the city (albeit a small city, might as well be classed as a town) which was good!

I've spent most of today feeling worse for wear but I'm okay, going to cook food and catch up on GoT while alone haha.

Yet, she can't stop messaging me and having little conversations with me now... Not saying that's a negative thing and there's nothing confusing within the messages, just makes me think... Why can you not spend time apart without needing contact with me.. when the space etc is what you wanted. Hey ho.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

 

[LovingH]

Hmm, I can't say I know either one of you but, with just the brief details you've given..this sounds like a "cake and eat it too" situation..on her end, I mean. She still wants you to be there for her but w/out the relationship.

 

[alanwp]

Hmm, I can't say I know either one of you but, with just the brief details you've given..this sounds like a "cake and eat it too" situation..on her end, I mean. She still wants you to be there for her but w/out the relationship.

I can see where you are coming from with this, which I suppose could be the case.

I must also add, that me being me I don't really want to be out of this situation completely, so maybe it's not all her? If you get what I'm saying. Either way will get sorted some how.




I feel the weekend away with an old friend helped her, to remind her of how she used to be years ago before all of this kicking her in mentally. We've been talking and laughing as friends quite nicely.

Still in process of sorting my own room, I'm awaiting a bed, as I was avoiding having to pay alot for once just now, so it's dragging on slightly.

Luckily with me being on nightshifts this week, I won't really affect the sleeping situation much, but the sleeping situation all depends on what state of mind she's in at the time, as I don't find it an issue, although using the same bed as friends probably isn't healthy, and I have to admit that.

I'm still finding the situation abit complex at times to get my mind around, but I'll continue to avoid reading into things, I'm reducing my overthinking daily with my own therapy, and just keep accepting we are just friends.

 

[Hojay]

I must also add, that me being me I don't really want to be out of this situation completely, so maybe it's not all her?

I don’t think it’s just you. Anyone with a beating heart would try to stay in the situation if there continue to be glimmers of hope that things might turn out fine. You joking and laughing (after being told off just about a week ago,) encourages that. Could be you’re on the way to being great friends. Could be you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak that will never end because neither of you will pull the plug with finality.

All I can say is be honest with yourself. And my own, totally biased option? You won’t be able to be “clean” friends until you separate yourself emotionally enough to not be swayed by her every move. And that, in my own humble opinion, just isn’t possible with constant contact. Just looks like you’d have to be the one to initiate that.

I don’t know anything about this woman, so take it with a grain of salt, but what she’s doing sounds somewhat cruel. At the very least, she’s not thinking of what might be best for you.

I'm still finding the situation abit complex at times to get my mind around,

Of course you are! Anyone would.

I'm reducing my overthinking daily with my own therapy,

It’s good you’re in therapy. I’d be careful, though, to label yourself an overthinker here because it’s the most natural thing in the world for anxiety to kick in when someone breaks up with you, but doesn’t act like it, then does act like it, then blames you for it being that way, then jokes with you, then accuses you of taking advantage, then keeps in constant contact with you. Add to that what you’ve probably already been through with her PTSD while you were still together, and he’ll, it’s hard to know your ass from your elbow after that. I don’t think trying to keep up with that is overthinking, I think it’s an appropriate reaction and should serve as a warning sign to you that you’re maybe entangled in an untenable situation.