Figuring Out and Describing Feelings

[piratelady]

I feel stuck in therapy. We’ve been tackling my childhood abuse. He’s gotten me to kind of understand that it’s not my fault. He did that by helping me understand how I was manipulated / groomed. To get me to stop googling and triggering myself, he gave me a print out that explained grooming, trauma bonding, and how it’s used for control.

I’m really stuck in the term “Trauma Bonding”. I know I need to talk about it more in therapy tomorrow. When I think about that I know it stirs up a lot of feelings, but I can’t figure out what they are. I can’t even figure out some words that make some kind of sense to describe what I’m thinking or feeling. If I can’t put some words to it, how am I supposed to get help? As often as I tell him that he is- he’s not psychic.

How do you organize your thoughts and figure out what your feeling? Or articulate any of it?

 

[Freida]

I write down random notes on a notepad on my phone as they come up. Then t and I go over them. They don't have to make sense -- but it is amazing where they can sometimes lead. I think of it as my brain leaking out bits of information that it wants me to start thinking about

 

[HealingInProcess]

I am going through this and I just let myself feel them. Because I'm not sure what they are I don't want to feel like I'm judging myself by saying I'm sad when that's not what I'm feeling. I think I'm sensitive to premature labels of feelings and see this as not listening to myself or letting myself feel.

 

[Skywatcher]

Just today after two years, I sent mine a link to a symphony piece that conveys my post rape feelings. She thanked me for sharing. She rarely responds to processing emails, so I know that she got what I was trying to say and was proud of me.

 

[piratelady]

Thanks everyone. I still can’t figure out what I feel or even bring some sense of organization to my thoughts about this.

I wound up just printing the info therapist gave me that I highlighted and wrote on. That whole handing them something to read thing is so unnerving.

We talked through my notes but I still can’t quite let it go or make sense of it. It’s so frustrating.

 

[Sideways]

We talked through my notes but I still can’t quite let it go or make sense of it.

Your T sounds pretty awesome. This is really tough stuff to work through.

For me, getting my head around the trauma bonding stuff comes in stops and starts. I get a bit of momentum going, make a bit of progress in understanding/processing, then hit a wall. That wall is my brain saying, “Enough for now, I need a bit more time with this, you’re going too fast”.

Can you come at this from different angles? If words are failing you, do you draw? Paint? Get some magazines and collage? Instead of finding the words to describe where you’re at, go the art therapy route maybe and put together a visual representation of where you’re at?

For me the collage thing comes easiest. If I had a stack of magazines, some scissors and glue? I’d probably go almost manic finding images that represent “my abuser screwed with my mind to get what he wanted...”.

Sometimes the art route doesn’t work for people. But for me it’s a great go to when thoughts and words aren’t coming to me.

 

[piratelady]

Instead of finding the words to describe where you’re at, go the art therapy route maybe and put together a visual representation

Someone else suggested that too. When I even think about that, the imagery that comes into my head is incredibly distressing. I don’t think I like that.

What do I even do with that? Like how do I convey it to someone else? Do you give it to your therapist?

I just don’t understand it.

 

[Sideways]

What do I even do with that? Like how do I convey it to someone else? Do you give it to your therapist?

Yeah, absolutely. And usually your T will have questions about the images you’ve picked, and suddenly all the words you couldn’t find before are coming out, because you’ve got a different way to talk about them.

Art therapy tends not to be effective when it fails to evoke any feelings. So, if you think it’s probably distressing, it’s the same distress as if you were using words - if you could sit down and describe to your T verbally, “This is what I think and feel about this trauma bonding stuff”...

There’s several different ways that therapy formats can tap into, and help us process, our emotions. Which is what your T was originally helping you with. If you can’t express and process those emotions verbally, for whatever reason, other expressions are just as valid, helpful and healing.

We can express them through art, music (loads of stuff on therapeutic drumming around, which is surprisingly effective), singing, dance, martial arts, and on and on...

If you’re unsure, but think it would be helpful, you can always run it by your T. If you decide to give it a go, like any processing work, make sure you’ve got follow-up grounding and soothing exercises. Because if it works for you? It will be as emotional as talking it out with words:)

 

[piratelady]

Thank you @Sideways! I’ll add it to my list to talk to therapist about next week. :)

 

[grit]

Trauma bonding is so powerful... You are right! It is very hard to describe in words. It is what keeps a lot of abused children defend the parent who did the abuse. But and this is my opinion, you can't describe it with left brain when the right brain is resistant to bring it up. And rightfully so. This is what kept me with my mother all my adulthood and I cannt justify it. But I know where in my body I feel it. So I start with the body part that is hurting and go slow and ensure I do not dissociate by keeping eye contact and feel it to know I am not there anymore. I do not resist because I know for a fact by being here I already survived. But it is not easy. I could not do it with my therapist cause I could not feel it. I needed to have some strength to get back home. But I did it with my husband... He had no idea but knew he was my anchor... And after that I did it alone to risk dissociation and sleeping. I only did it because I was ashamed of my body to love someone so deeply who hated me and was violently hurting me everyday. I felt I was nothing and had to hold that. But I am grateful I lived to tell.

 

[Karolina12]

I don’t have any good answers but this is an excellent question and I relate so much to what has been posted.

I am noticing I tend to get ahead of myself and try to explain or articulate something I haven’t yet fully felt.