Sexual Assault Can sexual abuse define your sexuality

[ppippi]

I posted a similar thread in which I questioned whether a father masturbating in front of a child was considereed sexual abuse, if there was invitation for the child to participate

I'm still trying to sort that out for myself but my follow up question is: if smth like that is your first sexual experience at age 3, can it define what turns you on? Can it make you kinky?

I ask bc I find that I I'm really turned on by the idea of older men sexually abusing and coercing little kids. I find it really disturbing that I feel this way especially bc most CSA survivors are repulsed by thoughts like that. It makes me question whether I was abused or not even more.

I often seek out men 40s 50s range, who would have sex with 16-18 year olds and like to talk to them about how they would abuse kids. We talk about scenarios of coercion where I pretend to be little and to sit on their lap while they read me a children's book at bedtime. It's a huge turn on to think about how they would sneakily try to sexuakize the innocent act of reading a book to get me to do sexual things or for them to try to touch me. I just really like to think about being younger and being abused by these men.

When I meet up with them though and put myself ina role play situation like I just described so I can experience what it feels like to be coerced, I can't go ahead with it. As soon as they want to have actual sex or touch me or get me to go down on them, I feel sadness and fear take over me like any other sexual experience and I can't proceed. Why is there such a gap between the fantasy of being abused in my head and the reality of it? Is it normal to be turned on by thoughts like this? It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

Even when I find decent men who just want a normal regular sexual experience, I find myself lying about my age, pretending that I'm 18 so I can create a big age difference and create the feeling of being exploited. I know they are decent men bc as soon as they hear I'm 18 the move on. I feel like I do this partly bc I'm attracted to exploitation scenarios and age play, but the other piece is that I feel ashamed at how stunted my sexuality is. I feel like my sexuality stopped at 3 years old and the max I could ever push myself to actually do is really tame foreplay. I've tried telling guys that I need to take sexual intercourse and the genitals off the table so I can feel safe sexually but most get discouraged by it and don't understand at all.

I feel like an alien. Does anyone else feel like this?

 

[Gs172003]

I posted a similar thread in which I questioned whether a father masturbating in front of a child was considereed sexual abuse, if there was invitation for the child to participate

I'm still trying to sort that out for myself but my follow up question is: if smth like that is your first sexual experience at age 3, can it define what turns you on? Can it make you kinky?

I ask bc I find that I I'm really turned on by the idea of older men sexually abusing and coercing little kids. I find it really disturbing that I feel this way especially bc most CSA survivors are repulsed by thoughts like that. It makes me question whether I was abused or not even more.

I often seek out men 40s 50s range, who would have sex with 16-18 year olds and like to talk to them about how they would abuse kids. We talk about scenarios of coercion where I pretend to be little and to sit on their lap while they read me a children's book at bedtime. It's a huge turn on to think about how they would sneakily try to sexuakize the innocent act of reading a book to get me to do sexual things or for them to try to touch me. I just really like to think about being younger and being abused by these men.

When I meet up with them though and put myself ina role play situation like I just described so I can experience what it feels like to be coerced, I can't go ahead with it. As soon as they want to have actual sex or touch me or get me to go down on them, I feel sadness and fear take over me like any other sexual experience and I can't proceed. Why is there such a gap between the fantasy of being abused in my head and the reality of it? Is it normal to be turned on by thoughts like this? It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

Even when I find decent men who just want a normal regular sexual experience, I find myself lying about my age, pretending that I'm 18 so I can create a big age difference and create the feeling of being exploited. I know they are decent men bc as soon as they hear I'm 18 the move on. I feel like I do this partly bc I'm attracted to exploitation scenarios and age play, but the other piece is that I feel ashamed at how stunted my sexuality is. I feel like my sexuality stopped at 3 years old and the max I could ever push myself to actually do is really tame foreplay. I've tried telling guys that I need to take sexual intercourse and the genitals off the table so I can feel safe sexually but most get discouraged by it and don't understand at all.

I feel like an alien. Does anyone else feel like this?

Are you in therapy?

 

[ppippi]

Are you in therapy?

No. Too many bad experiences so I'm taking my time picking out the right t

 

[Mach123]

Yes, totally.

I did some of the things you are talking about but mostly I was sad because I wanted to be abused and couldn't pick up girls and wouldn't pick up men (so much easier.)

But I wanted to do things and I didn't know why.

There was a lot of pressure internally and externally to label what I was feeling as homosexual, bisexual, transgender which it wasn't.

I was an emotional cripple from CSA and my sexual proclivities were directly tied to that abuse from my childhood. I was outwardly Hetero normative but inwardly something else and I couldn't integrate the two.

After I left the "old neighborhood" I never really acted on it again but I had some "unique" relationships with women.

And, all of this was taking place without my conscious knowledge, which is really hard to understand. I just did not know I'd been sexually abused or had experienced CSA.

Judith Hermans book Trauma and Recovery explains a lot of this.

I hope you get help sorting through everything and feel better.

 

[somerandomguy]

True. When it comes to sex, traumatized people constantly seek to replicate old patterns. For some people, that leads to new trauma. For others, maybe not.

There are two theories about this: one says all vestiges of the malformed sexual impulses created by abuse should be stopped entirely. The other says, if it feels good and it's not hurting anyone (including yourself), do it.

The real answer is up to you and how much you think it's harming you.

 

[ppippi]

Yes, totally.

Judith Hermans book Trauma and Recovery explains a lot of this.

I hope you get help sorting through everything and feel better.

Does it talk about CSA specifically?

True. When it comes to sex, traumatized people constantly seek to replicate old patterns. For some people, that leads to new trauma. For others, maybe not.

There are two theories about this: one says all vestiges of the malformed sexual impulses created by abuse should be stopped entirely. The other says, if it feels good and it's not hurting anyone (including yourself), do it.

The real answer is up to you and how much you think it's harming you.

I feel like keeping the abuse alive by doing these things to connect with that part of myself. Otherwise I feel disconnected and dead.

 

[frogthroat]

I think the question is "would you really hurt a child or let a man abuse a child in front of you for your own sexual pleasure?"
Everything else is just roleplay. The fantasizing about coercing children into a dangerous situation is well...unnerving. You need to see a therapist about this. Nobody on this forum is going to be able to tell you if it's okay or not to be thinking this way. Mostly, because it's in that moral grey area of "fantasy vs. reality."

 

[EveHarrington]

I won’t go into details but I will say that trauma re-creation is incredibly common. You are not alone in this regard. That is, it is a very common behavior given what we have been through. :hug:

 

[ppippi]

Can you conclude that you were sexually abused if you have fantasies like that? Or can non traumatized ppl have thoughts like mine too. I'm basically trying to prove to myself that I was abused bc I can't believe it.

 

[joeylittle]

Or can non traumatized ppl have thoughts like mine too.

They can, yes.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm really turned on by the idea of older men sexually abusing and coercing little kids.

For someone that was abused as a child, this is very common. It is trauma recreation and it happens because that person's "normal" sexual experience is as a child with an adult.

I often seek out men 40s 50s range, who would have sex with 16-18 year olds

Even when I find decent men who just want a normal regular sexual experience, I find myself lying about my age, pretending that I'm 18 so I can create a big age difference and create the feeling of being exploited

This is something I actually did. Online.

In my early 20s (while in denial of anything abusive happening in my childhood) I would seek out men online, seduce them, and the entire time pretending to be 12. It was yahoo messenger and to get around my profile saying I was in my 20s I would say that I was sneaking onto my sister's profile. I would talk very child-like and really got into that role. Many men didnt go for it but some did.

It really repulsed me that I was bascially finding pedopiles but I couldn't stop doing it. It was almost like a drug.

Can you conclude that you were sexually abused if you have fantasies like that?

This and only this does not mean that you were sexually abused. That said, if you remember being abused than I would try to work on acceptance. Acceptance was really hard for me to do but it really was my pivioting place where I was able to move foward in healing.

Are you in therapy?

 

[ppippi]

For someone that was abused as a child, this is very common. It is trauma recreation and it happens because that person's "normal" sexual experience is as a child with an adult...Are you in therapy?

I'm in the process of finding a therapist.

Omg what you describe about pretending to be little... I do the exact same thing online and it is totally like a drug. I don't feel alive unless I can feel like I'm little and being exploited.

Im also sure having a strict mother and being raised in a conservative environment was an influence too. As I was becoming a teenager, at 23 my mom got pretty violent around me. She grabbed my neck and told me if I ever talk to a boy she would do terrible things and tell my school teachers. She said girls who talk to boys are whores. I don't think I'm able to own my sexuality bc of it. I feel bad and evil when I feel attracted and turned on. I can't separate that out of my mind even though it's ok for me to date now.

It's getting worse with age too. How do I tell guy I'm a virgin and sexually inexperienced and basically terrified of penis's at 33. They will think im a freak. It's really hard being terrified of what you're attracted to and what you desperately want.

**At 13 not 23 above