Relationship Sometimes i feel empty inside

[lostforgottensoul]

Can I ask you a question regarding your intimacy issues?

You quoted yourself but I am assuming you are asking me?

Ask away. Not sure what you are wanting to know and there's a lot there so if you can ask specific questions that would be easier and I'll answer the best I can.

 

[Butterfly64]

You quoted yourself but I am assuming you are asking me?

Ask away. Not sure what you are wanting to know and there's a lot there so if you can ask specific questions that would be easier and I'll answer the best I can.

I am...oups.
Thanks so much!
I am wondering why you can’t do intimacy....is it fear of getting too involved/being vulnerabel and maybe afraid of being abandoned? Deep down do you long for intimacy? And what about love....when you get involved with somebody, do you feel numb? What I mean is, are you confused as to what you are feeling for this person...if you truly love them or are you confused as to whether it is love or lust?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am wondering why you can’t do intimacy

I can't be vulnerable. Intimacy equals vulnerability.

maybe afraid of being abandoned?

That too. But its mainly not being able to be vulnerable but abandonment is also a big fear.

Deep down do you long for intimacy

100% yes! I long for intimacy everyday.

And what about love....when you get involved with somebody, do you feel numb? What I mean is, are you confused as to what you are feeling for this person...if you truly love them or are you confused as to whether it is love or lust?

I don't confuse love and lust. I confuse love with sex. This is likely a CSA only type of issue. As in not a veteran thing. But, I think to be loved is to have sex.

That being said, yes, I do feel love for another. I long for the intimacy but can't allow myself to be intimate because of the fear of allowing myself to be that vulnerable.

There is a protector in me that protects from perceived threats. Intimacy is one such threat. If one tried to be intimate, I will bolt. 100% without a doubt, I am out of there. Because it's not safe. And I bolt to saftey.

Edited to add:

@Dominik24, I just realized this was your thread. Sorry, didn't mean to hijack the thread.

 

[Butterfly64]

I can't be vulnerable. Intimacy equals vulnerability.



That too. But its mainly not being able to be vulnerable but abandonment is also a big fear.



100% yes! I long for intimacy everyday.



I don't confuse love and lust. I confuse love with sex. This is likely a CSA only type of issue. As in not a veteran thing. But, I think to be loved is to have sex.

That being said, yes, I do feel love for another. I long for the intimacy but can't allow myself to be intimate because of the fear of allowing myself to be that vulnerable.

There is a protector in me that protects from perceived threats. Intimacy is one such threat. If one tried to be intimate, I will bolt. 100% without a doubt, I am out of there. Because it's not safe. And I bolt to saftey.

Thanks so much for sharing. I suppose it is the same for my ex. He bolted whenever I got too close or I pushed for intimacy. Had I known a few months ago what I have learned now from all you wonderful people in here, I would not have pushed him so hard....maybe then we would be in a better place together instead of being apart....maybe not. As for now I am keeping my distance even if it means losing him forever. I know he loves me the best he knows how to and I am pretty sure he misses me, but won’t tell me or “fight” to get me back...that would mean he has to be vulnerable and he can’t do that.
Thanks ever so much again...I send you all my love

 

[Dominik24]

@Dominik24, I just realized this was your thread. Sorry, didn't mean to hijack the thread.

No worries :) this thread doesn't have to be all about me.

 

[Butterfly64]

No worries :) this thread doesn't have to be all about me.

Thanks ? Actually this is what I like about this Forum...that a “thread” can develop into a “conversation” which at times wonders off the original post, but can some times actually be helpful to the thread starter and several people who follow the thread. As an ex supporter, I struggle with understanding the numbness....the lack of intimacy as you described in your thread.

 

[Dominik24]

Thanks ? Actually this is what I like about this Forum...that a “thread” can develop into a “conversation” which at times wonders off the original post, but can some times actually be helpful to the thread starter and several people who follow the thread. As an ex supporter, I struggle with understanding the numbness....the lack of intimacy as you described in your thread.

Yes, I feel the same way. Especially because "outside" people can't understand how it really feels, and that it's not like a "normal" breakup. That your ex was not just "cold". While I think it's never as easy as some people may want to make it look, saying "oh screw him/her" and then move on, especially not if there was some real love. PTSD adds some more complexity to it, though, one that most people cannot understand.

 

[Butterfly64]

Yes, I feel the same way. Especially because "outside" people can't understand how it really feels, and that it's not like a "normal" breakup. That your ex was not just "cold". While I think it's never as easy as some people may want to make it look, saying "oh screw him/her" and then move on, especially not if there was some real love. PTSD adds some more complexity to it, though, one that most people cannot understand.

I completely agree with you! Moving on is hard....if I contacted him today and said, let’s continue....I am okay with no intimacy and just sex and no relationship, he would be torn between saying yes, because I am his drug and no, because he would feel guilty for not being able to give me what I crave.
I have one really good friend, I guy I have known for over 30 years...he has stood by me and totally understood why I was not ready to walk away from my ex sufferer...but some times, even he would tell me to run like hell, when my ex said some really bad things (probably in order to push me away). My other friends have told me to run for a long time. And I don’t blame them...I would probably have done the same thing. The thing is though...when there is mutual desire, friendship and tons of fascination, it is soooo hard to give up even if they hold back on intimacy, even if they feel numb and they can’t really express that they love you...because you know that they do love you...it is “just” PTSD messing with their heads, PTSD telling them that intimacy is dangerous...that they have to keep their guard up and not be vulnerable. My chances of ever being in a relationship with him is next to none....I have pushed him too far and after breaking up with him, I found this Forum, which has helped me immensely to grasp the effect of PTSD just a little bit better. I am slowly giving up on the dream of what could have been...and that is hard.

 

[Dominik24]

I completely agree with you! Moving on is hard....if I contacted him today and said, let’s continue....I am okay with no intimacy and just sex and no relationship, he would be torn between saying yes, because I am his drug and no, because he would feel guilty for not being able to give me what I crave.
I have one really good friend, I guy I have known for over 30 years...he has stood by me and totally understood why I was not ready to walk away from my ex sufferer...but some times, even he would tell me to run like hell, when my ex said some really bad things (probably in order to push me away). My other friends have told me to run for a long time. And I don’t blame them...I would probably have done the same thing. The thing is though...when there is mutual desire, friendship and tons of fascination, it is soooo hard to give up even if they hold back on intimacy, even if they feel numb and they can’t really express that they love you...because you know that they do love you...it is “just” PTSD messing with their heads, PTSD telling them that intimacy is dangerous...that they have to keep their guard up and not be vulnerable. My chances of ever being in a relationship with him is next to none....I have pushed him too far and after breaking up with him, I found this Forum, which has helped me immensely to grasp the effect of PTSD just a little bit better. I am slowly giving up on the dream of what could have been...and that is hard.

Yes, it is hard. Hard doesn't even fell like a word worthy of describing how one feels. And it being so difficult to discuss with people not really aware of what PTSD is and how it can affect relationships adds even more to how hard it is.
I can't really tell you what to do in your situation, I think nobody can, except for yourself, since nobody but you (and your ex) know the situation in every little detail. I hope that no matter what you chose to do, that you will find happiness again, and that you will see, that you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at that time. And that the knowledge you now have can help you in this difficult situation :hug:

 

[Butterfly64]

Yes, it is hard. Hard doesn't even fell like a word worthy of describing how one feels. And it being so difficult to discuss with people not really aware of what PTSD is and how it can affect relationships adds even more to how hard it is.
I can't really tell you what to do in your situation, I think nobody can, except for yourself, since nobody but you (and your ex) know the situation in every little detail. I hope that no matter what you chose to do, that you will find happiness again, and that you will see, that you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at that time. And that the knowledge you now have can help you in this difficult situation :hug:

Thanks so much and I wish all the best for you ?? and please take care of yourself....being involved with somebody with PTSD is super hard and I can’t do that anymore...if he was capable of cooperating, talking things over, to try and overcome his fear of intimacy....then I would still be with him, but he can’t and I have tried so hard to chip away at his fear....which only pushed him further away. Staying with him would only destroy the both of us....it would keep us in Limbo.
I really hope things work out for you ?