Just read through some of the posts in here after I thought about this thread, and especially how much sharing it with you on here, and your heartfelt responses, helped me during this time.
It's been about 4.5 months now.
I took your advice and concentrated on myself. Taking care of myself. My family and my friends helped me A LOT during that time. I took up reading novels again. I started to go to the gym again, 3-4 times a week. Spent a bit money (not too much) on myself, buying some new clothes, a new laptop on which I can continue writing the novel I started some time ago and haven't written in a while (still didn't continue so far). I started to organize myself. I spent a lot of time on my own to avoid avoiding the pain, aswell as to have the time to think. Also spending time with my cats and giving them the love they deserve. Just 4 weeks ago I decided to take up something new: martial arts. The same week I went to combat sports center and started kickboxing. I was so nervous to try something new, something I had absolutely no experience in, but it felt sooo great, been there two more times so far (doing the fundamentals course that's every wednesday, before entering the real course). I also bought some supplies to train at home, using the more space I have now in my flat in good ways, turning one room that used to be a guest room, that my ex's wardrobe used to be in, into my writing and martial arts room. I also took up meditating. And overall reading lots and lots of things, on needs, on boundaries, on self-care aswell as starting my treatment for OCD, about to start Exposure and Response Prevention Treatment.
Not every day is great, but I try my best to see and enjoy the good moments.
Lately the days have been a bit harder, but not because of her or the breakup. Actually that pain that the breakup caused is fading slowly. It's still there and there are days I feel sad when I think about her and what happened. But the moments grow fewer and more far apart slowly. Which I am really grateful for. It still feels pretty surreal when I think about it, but that's something I think I have accepted some time ago: that I will never really understand the hows and whys of the whole situation.
What I got, though, was to read her story. Her side of it all. Something she didn't want me to know, to "not hurt you more than needed".
She told it my brother's girlfriend (both of them were really close with her during the relationship), and she showed me the message of my ex explaining why she did it (after I asked her to).
While reading I was torn between shaking my head and having to laugh. Not because it was funny, but because it felt so unreal. I think, she really believes her own story, though, and that, based on that story, she thinks she did the right thing.
She told my brother's girlfriend (mind you, that that's probably the story she told pretty much everyone that wanted to hear it...) that the reason for her decision was, that she realized, that her and me had more a brother-and-sister-like relationship. That she couldn't do that for the rest of her life, living a life without sex. That she always wondered if there's something wrong with her, if she's the reason, starting to doubt herself and couldn't grasp what's wrong. And then the scales fell from her eyes and she realized all this, and knew, she couldn't keep going on like this. Also writing, that she still said yes to my proposol, still moved in with me, despite all that. That she started to develop feelings for someone else and wanted to end it, before she does something she regrets. And that no matter what everyone thinks, she didn't cheat on me, since that's the worst someone could do.
While I sat there, reading her words, I had images flashing into my mind. Images of moments that contradict pretty much everything she said. Not, that she was lying in her message. The things she said were pretty much true. It was just not her story. One of the first thoughts I had after finishing reading her message was: I couldn't have written that, if I would've broken up with her for our lack of intimacy.
I read "still I said yes to his proposal" and saw, in my mind, both of us sitting in a restaurant during a vacation shortly before I proposed. When she asked me, after we talked about marriage in general, when I will propose to her, and me telling her that I don't know, sometime when she feels better emotionally so we both can enjoy it the same way. She told me, "but, it would be a great sign of love, doing it even in rather bad times". I couldn't fight that thought. Doing a proposal I knew I wanted to do one day during a tough time, showing how much we stand through together. So I proposed shortly after, after we decided to marry two (instead of the usual one year, here) years later, so we have enough time to save for the wedding.
I read about her troubles with our lack of intimacy and saw myself lying in bed, back to back, quiet tears running down my cheeks, after her rejecting another attempt of initiating intimacy. I'm not talking about sex here, mind you. But about caressing her back, or just cuddling before turning around to sleep.
I'm glad that all those things, our whole relationship and how we've been towards each other, were still so fresh in my mind when I read her side of the story. And that the looks on the face of the people closest to me, who I showed the message, were the pretty much the same. One of disbelief.
At first I wanted to defend myself. Tell everyone "how it really was". But I decided against it. Instead I told myself, that if someone wants to believe her story, despite knowing both of us, that that's someone I do not want to have in my life anymore.
I don't know what more to say now. Except... I am so so thankful for all of you, for all of your words of understanding, your encouragement and heartfelt messages. You helped me more than you can imagine :)
