Relationship Sometimes i feel empty inside

[Dominik24]

While I don't think she is a jumper (she only had 3 relationships before we met), I can see the codependency thing somehow. I mean she is a strong person, but at least the last 3 relationships (if we count the new guy in as a relationship already) have been almost without a day of being single inbetween.

I think it could be what you said in your first post, she's mistaking lust for love, enjoying those honeymoon feelings and thinking feeling so much must mean love.

Thank you for your nice words. This forum helped me a lot of times in those years with her and it does now. Others may somehow understand how I'm feeling, but they don't know much about our relationship with PTSD, since I never really talked much about it to avoid others assuming our relationship was toxic.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Even if she has PTSD it’s no excuse to treat you like she did. I’m sorry she did that to you.

 

[OrangeJulius]

I'm so so sorry to hear all this. I would feel completely blind-sided in your position. I don't know what to say but I'll be listening and reading along as you navigate whatever is next.

 

[anon1234]

Just... did you ever experience something like that? Numbing emotionally, because your partner did/does it for a while now?

Yes. I felt all weekend numb. Everything messed up in my life on Thursday. I just did a big cry now because my friend told me some harsh truths I needed to hear and it unlocked what I was trying to avoid. I know I’ve been in denial. But I know I will go back to numbness. Because this cannot be real. This cannot be happening.

 

[anon1234]

I just got to the bottom of these messages and I am so unbelievably sorry for you. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Dominik24]

@Sweetpea76 somewhere inside of me I know this.. I still feel sorry for her somehow, fearing how she will feel when (if) she may realize what she did, or if the next guy realizes that she's not like this (in the honeymoon phase) in the long run. It shouldn't matter to me anymore, considering how cold she got in the span of a day or two, but it's still there.

Thank you @OrangeJulius :) I definitely was blindsided and I still can't make sense of how different a person she is now. I mean, yeah it happens, people lose love... but not in a few days, throwing away 2 and a half years, an engagement, our two cats that meant the world to her, and a life we built together. That's not the person I used to know, but at the same time thoughts come up that she may have been like that all the time and I was just to blind out of love.

@anon1234 thank you for the kind words and the hugs! And also hugs to you, it sounds like your Valentine's Day was not a good day and if you want to share feel free to do it :)

 

[Hojay]

This must be so incredibly difficult @Dominik24. I can’t even imagine the pain and confusion you must be going through now.

Something you said up there made me think: I’m about 4 months out of my relationship with my sufferer. I’ve been thinking a lot about the “real him,” and who that even was/is. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that he was consciously playacting any part of our relationship, but I have come to realize that the level of closeness, commitment, and intimacy (vulnerability) we shared took a lot more effort, pain, and “bending” for him than I’d realized. Looking at his history of relationships, it was very far fetched of me to believe that suddenly I would be the “special” one to fundamentally change anything about how he works, what he has to offer in the long run, and how safe he feels with having someone so close in his life. I know he “wanted” to, but I don’t think he understood just how difficult a relationship like that would be for him.

What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think we are necessarily blind out of love—I think we all run the risk of going along with someone’s own self denial and lack of self honesty.

I think there’s a strong likelihood that she was who she claimed to be for as long as she was that. But when it comes to mental illness (especially something often overlapping with borderline, or whatnot,) there’s often a lack of a consistent sense of self to begin with, so how are we supposed to know who it is we’re really dealing with?

This might be too fresh for you to take any comfort in this line of thinking. That’s ok, it’s a process. But it’s been a major source of comfort and relief for me to know that I was only as duped as he was duping himself.

 

[Dominik24]

Thank you @Hojay :) also thank you for your post in here, that one gave me some strength, too.

I'm sorry to hear that you also had/have to go through a breakup, may I ask how it feels now, 4 months after it happened?

Like you said, I also don't think my ex-fiancée (damn that word feels strange) did anything on purpose. I don't think she only played that she was happy in our relationship and enjoyed all the things I enjoyed with her. I just think she may not have been able to really feel those emotions like I did. Like when the two of us spent an evening on the couch watching a series on Netflix I sometimes glanced over at her and just felt happy to be in this moment with her right now. It hurts to realize this, but I actually start to believe that she was not capable of feeling such emotions, at least not as complex. The post My ptsd partner left me - now what? helped me understand a lot of things, or at least giving me some new perspectives on some things.

I must admit I got a bit colder in the last few days. I probably had to. Always picturing those happy moments and in the next second the images of her being with this other guy, would have just killed me inside otherwise.
But I still feel for her, like, I don't want her to suffer because of all the shit others may say of her now after all that. I know it's kinda dumb thinking like this when I should probably concentrate on myself now (and with her probably not thinking too much about me), but you can't switch those feelings off in such a short time I guess.

I agree with you. I also think that she was the person she claimed to be, until she wasn't anymore.

Her PTSD is untreated, and I think that without the help of treatment she has no way of knowing what's really going on inside her.

 

[Hojay]

@Dominik24 I'm glad to hear I could offer something useful to you during this, admittedly, very effed up time for you. Every little bit helps right?

How am I doing after 4 months? That's a great question. First of all, I'm doing fine. No, more than fine. I can honestly say, I'm doing surprisingly well. But for that I've really had to go through the hard stages of processing, not only the breakup, but our entire relationship. This took a lot of self honesty and a lot of feeling the feelings I'd been desperately trying to avoid throughout our relationship. I wish I could go into it more here, but it's not about me...

What I'd challenge you on up there is the notion that she probably didn't feel emotions with the same complexity you did. I can only speak from my own experience here, but as I see it, the way they feel emotions is often not less complex, but more layered. Layered with fear, guilt, and shame. It must be incredibly tiring to have to manage these emotions all the time. I don't blame them for seeking out more simple, less threatening emotions, like lust, infatuation, and the bland excitement of someone new, just for peace of mind---temporarily.

I understand your protective impulse, not wanting her to suffer more, but I'd like to challenge you to focus a little on what this has done to YOU, regardless of her illness, regardless of what she's been through. I challenge you to get well and angry and feel that as deeply as you possibly can. Let your heart reclaim some of that real estate. Forget how ill she is for now and take a look at the whole of it, and transfer some of that guilt and protective instinct from her onto you.

 

[Dominik24]

@Hojay yes, your post definitely helped me understand that it's not me. Or at least, that whatever may have been my fault was not enough reason to just up and leave, but to talk about it instead.

"the feelings I'd been desperately trying to avoid throughout our relationship", seriously that sentence just gave me goosebumps. I always felt bad for having any "bad" or "critical" feelings or thoughts about her or our relationship, always pushing those away. I am still struggling with letting them all pour in now, since I'm afraid they will make me think everything was bad, when it sure wasn't.

Also, I'd be more than happy to read about the things you wished you could go into more. Doesn't all have to be about me, there are more of us who had/have to go through something similar and I'm sure we all, especially those in the midst of it, can need some perspective from outside that dark place.

I understand what you are saying here, it's really tough to let the thought of her enjoying that "brand new" feeling with someone else in, but it's necessary I guess.

Your last paragraph just made my day :) thank you!

 

[Dominik24]

A little update on this whole situation.

I'm a bit lost for words after reading her latest WhatsApp Status photo (yes, I know, I know.. I now blocked her statuses).
What it was? "If it makes you happy, do it".
Another one on Sunday was "it requires courage to change something" (or something like this).

She also wants to come to my (used to be our) flat to get her wardrobe on Saturday. A friend of ours (one of her best childhood friends) will help her. I am honest, this is freaking killing me inside right now. I can't tell how I will feel when I see her. Remind you that we didn't speak in person since Thursday morning before she broke everything off on Thursday afternoon via WhatsApp. So this will be the first time seeing each other.

Which brings me back to those two statuses by her. I don't know if she really believes what she did was right. Anyway it seems like she's totally ok with how everything went and I can only guess how "normal" she will be on Saturday, probably joking with the friend and whatnot.

I had thought a lot about the "what did I do wrong"s and remembered something she said about 3 weeks ago, when she got a new tattoo. She planned to do the flowers part of that tattoo in blue. She changed her mind while getting the tattoo and chose Turquoise instead, because "I know how much you like that color, that's why I wanted this one instead of the blue". This was end of January. A week later or so she met that new guy.

In all fairness, yes, I may have been a bit absent minded in the last few weeks. Not always listening when she was telling me something. Kinda off into my own thoughts when we lay together on the couch. Still, I told her what the reason for that was (me fighting my own little fight with OCD) in great detail. So, while that may've not been optimal, it's not something I leave someone for, at least not in this way.

Sorry for rambling on here. Just a rather bad day inmidst of more upwards days lately.

 

[Dominik24]

Just when you thought it couldn't get worse...

So, Saturday came and with it came my Ex-Fiancée to get her stuff from our my flat.
With her also came the guy she left me for. He didn't go into the house since I told her beforehand that he will not be let in. So he just sat on the back of his transporter, hands in his pockets, smiling. Yay, right?
Apparantly he was the only one allowed to drive that transporter, at least that's what she told me after I asked her why she had to bring him here.

Anyway, trying to push the image of that smiling POS as far away as possible, she came with a friend of ours aswell as a friend of that new guy. To make it short, the move itself wasn't that special. They emptied her wardrobe and dismantled it, before they brought it downstairs to the transporter along with boxes full of her stuff.

We talked a few bits here and there. I asked her if she still doesn't smoke (we quit smoking about 6 weeks ago together). She said yes. I asked her if she is still doing the calorie counting we used to do together (both lost about 55lbs/25kg). She said yes, but that it doesn't matter since she will probably never be content with herself and that some people maybe just don't deserve to be content. I asked her if she already visited her mom since she is pretty distraught because of the whole situation. She said no. I said she should.

We went through the flat while she collected her belongings, all the while the two guys put stuff in boxes or worked on the wardrobe. The whole situation felt so surreal. She was pretty quiet, but the guys were doing the usual jokes people do while moving. Which is ok I guess, but still felt strange considering that they were removing stuff that used to be ours. Part of our life together. Leaving nothing but emptiness and broken memories behind. I feel like jokes and having a good time is the right emotion to do that, yeah.

Something I noticed during those two hours: whenever the new guy's friend asked her something, like if she has newspapers to wrap the cups, she said something along the lines of "no, we don't have newspapers here", so still talking of "us" meaning me and her, aswell as in the present. Maybe it's nothing, but I noticed it.

Anyway, all that, including that smiling guy sitting below my living room window made it easier for me to be kinda cold. And I was really proud of how well I seemingly got through the whole ordeal.

Then came the parting.

After everything was done (and a few minutes of arranging the boxes and pieces of wardrobe between their two cars, all under joking and laughter) her and I were alone for a few minutes.

She said her goodbyes to our cats. Then we stood there, looking at each other.

I told her that I hope she will find real happiness some day. One within herself. Not one from outside. She shrugged her shoulders, saying she doesn't know. I said that I tried to make her happy. She said "I know". Then she pulled me into her and hugged me like she didn't do in a long time. I said that we would have succeeded with trying to make her really happy. Still hugging me and caressing my back, she told me thank you for everything, and that she is sorry. That she never intented to hurt me. That she wasn't good for me and would not have been able to give me what I deserve.

That teared me apart inside.

I always tried to show her how much I love her and that I see her as good enough. More than good enough.

We talked a bit more, inbetween she hugged me two more times, always pretty heartfelt.
I asked her if she already regrets what she did. She thought for a moment, then she said "no, as yet I think I did the right thing".

I promised my family that I won't cry. That I won't show her how hurt I am. And I almost made it through.

Came the last hug. I just couldn't hold myself back and said "you know that I meant it when I said you were the love of my life", she whispered "I know" into my ear. A tear or two came rolling down my cheek. I didn't see tears on her face, but she seemed to wipe one away before this last hug.

She laid her head on my chest for a moment. Stood up, looked me in the eyes and said "I am sorry". She caressed my face with her hand one more time and then she went through the door. After the door shut close I fell down on my knees crying like I didn't cry in a week.

When they left, she looked up to me through the window. Her look was a sad one. Then they drove away. She in the car with our friend, behind them the transporter with all the stuff that were her part of our life together, driven by the guy she left me for.

I don't know if I ever felt so empty like I did standing there and watching them drive towards the end of our street.

Oh, and tomorrow's my birthday. I am not looking forward to that too much...