Control

[Chris-duck]

I dunno how to phrase this right cos I'm not a "typical" control freak. Cos most of my "omg you're doing it wrong" feelz are inside and I keep quiet about them. Like most people would describe me as laid back but it's mostly just because I phrase my ommggg it's all going wrong as a joke and people don't take it seriously.

Just now I'm in a position where everything seems to be going wrong, my job, my kids (not my biokids) and just everything and I'm alternating really quickly between "I will fix this and do blah" which isn't realistic and "uh not like I care anyway" which is basically my default when I can't just *fix* something.

This would be fine but mixed with my weird depressed mood right now and everything going wrong which is neither my fault nor in my control and me defaulting to "I don't care. Whatever" I'm getting a lot of SI thoughts. Cos I went through trying to fix things, it was impossible so now it's like my brain has switched off and can't care about *anything*. I know I usually do but it's like my impact is insignificant so why should I even bother/what's the point in trying.

I know it's not as black and white as "fix everything or nothing you do matters". But I dunno how to kick my brain back into gear so I can sort the bits that are fixable. Cos it's just like an on/off switch. Yeah. Whatever is helpful, tell me if you're the same, tell me if you used to be the same and how you came to a balance, tell me if you have no idea wtf I'm trying to say and why. Anything is good. Cos I need to um get my brain to function beyond "plan A fix it. Plan B leave the country. Plan C kill yourself" :rolleyes:

 

[Juso]

I totally understand being exhausted from caring about shit and temporarily going numb. And I also understand the control aspect of your problem. I am going nuts if something lies out of my control, which is unfortunate, cause most things in life lie out of my control.

So maybe thats the problem here? You trying to desperately fix something that you cannot fix, or only limitedly? Could you try to accept that you are doing as much as you are able to but still can't completely fix the situation you're in?
I know probably a thousand people suggested this already, but have you tried meditation? It should help a great deal with emotion regulation and obsessive thoughts. ? I tried it myself and it freaked me out the first times, but you just have to stick with it.

Also ... ever thought about asking people for help? Cause I know how good you are at this?Friends can already help you with small things, you don't have to ask them for big favors or anything.

 

[Chris-duck]

Could you try to accept that you are doing as much as you are able to but still can't completely fix the situation you're in?

Um, no? :laugh:
I get that's what normal people do, but like really no, I can't. That's kinda the problem :P

have you tried meditation?

Yeah, it's not really been that helpful to me, tried it a few times, but I don't really get it. @Sophy sent a "f*ck you" meditation which was funny but I can't meditate, like I don't get it. I sound like I'm being deliberately awkward, I'm not meaning to, but I don't really understand "being in my body", like my body is there, doesn't really feel like anything, cool. I get that's another problem but meh.

Also ... ever thought about asking people for help? Cause I know how good you are at this?Friends can already help you with small things, you don't have to ask them for big favors or anything

My friends and weebro help out SO MUCH already, I can't ask them for more without taking advantage. So yeah, just kinda something I have to work out myself? I dunno.

Sorry, worst reply, I dunno, yeah.

 

[Gs172003]

Um, no? :laugh:
I get that's what normal people do, but like really no, I can't. That's kinda the problem :P

Yeah, it's not really been that helpful to me, tried it a few times, but I don't really get it. @Sophy sent a "f*ck you" meditation which was funny but I can't meditate, like I don't get it. I sound like I'm being deliberately awkward, I'm not meaning to, but I don't really understand "being in my body", like my body is there, doesn't really feel like anything, cool. I get that's another problem but meh.

My friends and weebro help out SO MUCH already, I can't ask them for more without taking advantage. So yeah, just kinda something I have to work out myself? I dunno.

Sorry, worst reply, I dunno, yeah.

What is weebro?

 

[Chris-duck]

What is weebro?

My younger brother

 

[Gs172003]

My younger brother

Ooh ok lol it's all one word so I thought it was an app or something. Wee bro...I know what THAT is :)

 

[Chris-duck]

Ooh ok lol it's all one word so I thought it was an app or something. Wee bro...I know what THAT is :)

Ahahah, somewhere along the way it became his name. I have an older and younger brother so IRL I differentiate and my IRL friends get them confused so even there I call them bigbro and weebro so somehow it's just their names now :P Sorry for the confusion.

 

[Juso]

I get that's what normal people do, but like really no, I can't. That's kinda the problem :p

Yeah, and as we've kind of assessed before ... its an emotion regulation problem?So we have to ask you - what can Chrissy do to endure this terrible feeling of helplessness?

You can't fully control anything in the outside world, and I would even say you can't fully control anything in your own head most of the time. This emotion regulation problem you're having will therefore appear again and again. Inventing backup plans that consist of killing yourself only gives you the illusion of control. But by killing yourself or moving away you're neither fixing something nor are you getting your control back. You are actually being controlled by the situation.

I'm asking about acceptance because that's what meditation is also about. It's accepting thoughts that come into your mind but letting them go again, without evaluating them (which is probably the most difficult part). It requires practice - during the first meditation sessions you will probably feel as if you're doing something totally useless and stupid. But meditation is extremely well researched, it does have enormous effects if done regularly.

'm not meaning to, but I don't really understand "being in my body", like my body is there, doesn't really feel like anything, cool.

I get that most of the phrases sound really dumb. Try to not think too much about it and just go with the flow. The whole point is that you're not evaluating your thoughts while doing it. So if you're thinking "wtf you talking about??" - thats okay! Its part of the whole process! You can't do this in a wrong way as long as you're doing it.

Maybe I can explain the body thing, even though I don't know much about it myself. I guess it has to do with awareness. You are trying to become aware of your body in a new way. People who meditate a lot can even learn to control the activation of regions in their brain. It sounds crazy but it has been proven with fMRI scans.
But thats something you really don't have to aim for. You could just lie there and put your hand on your stomach and simply feel how your hand moves up and down, up and down, up and down. And if you're thinking "thats sooo boring omg!!!" or "why the f*ck is this supposed to help me again?" or anything like that, remember, thats okay. Just continue and sit in this feeling until the time is up.

To start with very easy meditations you could use the App "Headspace". Maybe you've already used it, I don't know. People had to recommend it to me multiple times until I actually tried it?

 

[Freida]

I'm thinking your body/mind/emotions are ganging up on you and demanding that you rest. Just stop. And rest. You are pretty much exhausted all the time because, well, you have a shit ton of stuff that you are responsible for and that's BEFORE the ptsd.

Maybe being overwhelmed is what you need to step back? I mean, your mind is already on strike -- why not let it just have a few days or ..gasp!... a week to be tired? To let yourself get some rest without feeling all judgy about it. Get out of town, go to the beach, take the kiddos to an amusement park, whatever. Because when was the last time you had fun? Just plain old fun.

What's a fun thing you used to do when you were younger? Or something fun you've always wanted to try? No -- you don't have to "feel" about it while you are setting it up --that will come once you get there. :hug:

 

[Deanna]

Freida pretty much hit the spot with her post. I think you're over-whelmed. Just stop. Be still and it will come to you. ( that's the mediation that Juso was talking about. Just take baby steps on one thing until you get it fixed and then go to another. But don't try to do 3 things at once because your brain ? it as a huge responsibly, right now.

 

[Chris-duck]

Thanks guys :hug:

what can Chrissy do to endure this terrible feeling of helplessness?

Ahaha, ehh.. I dunno, like I get it'll pass cos I've been in worse situations than I'm in right now, I'm just frustrated, I'm trying to remind myself of all the sane rational stuff I can see when it's someone else but my brain's just like "noooo, the world is crumbling and you're *letting* it, omg!" Hah, dramatic little brain I have apparently.

You can't fully control anything in the outside world, and I would even say you can't fully control anything in your own head most of the time. This emotion regulation problem you're having will therefore appear again and again. Inventing backup plans that consist of killing yourself only gives you the illusion of control. But by killing yourself or moving away you're neither fixing something nor are you getting your control back. You are actually being controlled by the situation

I know. But I'm not happy about it :P
It's so much easier though, right? Like I won't, cos honestly if I was going to move away I'd probably already be on my way somewhere or at least looking at flights and jobs and stuff. I think it's just making it easier cos I have a plan, so all the other stuff doesn't matter so much cos it becomes kinda inconsequential. I get how it's a bad plan, but yeah.

To start with very easy meditations you could use the App "Headspace". Maybe you've already used it, I don't know. People had to recommend it to me multiple times until I actually tried it?

Yeah, I've got it, I'll try it again. I kinda just spent the whole time like "Um, how is this meant to be helpful? Umm..?" but I'll give it another go and attempt to judge me less for sucking so hard at it :P

I'm thinking your body/mind/emotions are ganging up on you and demanding that you rest. Just stop. And rest. You are pretty much exhausted all the time because, well, you have a shit ton of stuff that you are responsible for and that's BEFORE the ptsd.

I know. I'm really bad at resting too, or I'm not cos I've barely moved in two days but I hate myself for it :laugh: I've got so much stuff I need to do though and I'm already ignoring it all so like eh, I don't really have time to rest? (Shush, I can hear your eyeroll from here! :P )

I mean, your mind is already on strike -- why not let it just have a few days or ..gasp!... a week to be tired? To let yourself get some rest without feeling all judgy about it. Get out of town, go to the beach, take the kiddos to an amusement park, whatever. Because when was the last time you had fun? Just plain old fun.

Um, I have work so my next couple of days off in a row is first week of August when I'm off for six days. So I'll see if I can find some pennies to go away for a couple of days. I don't even know when I last had fun :laugh: Months ago probably. No idea.

What's a fun thing you used to do when you were younger? Or something fun you've always wanted to try? No -- you don't have to "feel" about it while you are setting it up --that will come once you get there. :hug:

Yeah, GP lady last time said I should get back into teaching horseriding at the riding for the disabled place near me or something, but I've not really got round to it :shifty: T said the same last time I saw her cos I was ranting about how I hate Glasgow and cities :laugh: I want to get back into music but I get pure frustrated because I used to be good and now I suck cos it's been forever, and I'm not very good at not being instantly decent at stuff :P (Surprising, right ;) ) I'll find something.

Freida pretty much hit the spot with her post. I think you're over-whelmed. Just stop. Be still and it will come to you. ( that's the mediation that Juso was talking about. Just take baby steps on one thing until you get it fixed and then go to another. But don't try to do 3 things at once because your brain ? it as a huge responsibly, right now

Yeah, thanks. There is a bunch of urgent stuff that I'm already behind on so if I can muster up energy for a day then I can do that then take stuff slower I guess. I'm annoyed cos I can usually manage this stuff fine, like it's just the normal blahblah life stuff that goes to crap sometimes, I know I can be kinda hard on myself.. But yeah. I usually manage life better, I'm annoyed at myself.

 

[Deanna]

Thanks guys :hug:

Ahaha, ehh.. I dunno, like I get it'll pass cos I've been in worse situations than I'm in right now, I'm just frustrated, I'm trying to remind myself of all the sane rational stuff I can see when it's someone else but my brain's just like "noooo, the world is crumbling and you're *letting* it, omg!" Hah, dramatic little brain I have apparently.

I know. But I'm not happy about it :p
It's so much easier though, right? Like I won't, cos honestly if I was going to move away I'd probably already be on my way somewhere or at least looking at flights and jobs and stuff. I think it's just making it easier cos I have a plan, so all the other stuff doesn't matter so much cos it becomes kinda inconsequential. I get how it's a bad plan, but yeah.

Yeah, I've got it, I'll try it again. I kinda just spent the whole time like "Um, how is this meant to be helpful? Umm..?" but I'll give it another go and attempt to judge me less for sucking so hard at it :p

I know. I'm really bad at resting too, or I'm not cos I've barely moved in two days but I hate myself for it :laugh: I've got so much stuff I need to do though and I'm already ignoring it all so like eh, I don't really have time to rest? (Shush, I can hear your eyeroll from here! :p )

Um, I have work so my next couple of days off in a row is first week of August when I'm off for six days. So I'll see if I can find some pennies to go away for a couple of days. I don't even know when I last had fun :laugh: Months ago probably. No idea.

Yeah, GP lady last time said I should get back into teaching horseriding at the riding for the disabled place near me or something, but I've not really got round to it :shifty: T said the same last time I saw her cos I was ranting about how I hate Glasgow and cities :laugh: I want to get back into music but I get pure frustrated because I used to be good and now I suck cos it's been forever, and I'm not very good at not being instantly decent at stuff :p (Surprising, right ;) ) I'll find something.

Yeah, thanks. There is a bunch of urgent stuff that I'm already behind on so if I can muster up energy for a day then I can do that then take stuff slower I guess. I'm annoyed cos I can usually manage this stuff fine, like it's just the normal blahblah life stuff that goes to crap sometimes, I know I can be kinda hard on myself.. But yeah. I usually manage life better, I'm annoyed at myself.

Interesting ( I'm annoyed at myself) understand totally. It's the middle of the year, I always feel that way if I haven't organized paperwork by the end of July.