Control

[PreciousChild]

Hi @Chris-duck. In reading your posts, I was just struck by how classic your "symptoms" are - catastrophic thinking, and perhaps dysregulation and hypervigilance. Something that I find helpful, and maybe you do or not, is to remind myself of what the experts say. Having complex ptsd is the result of facing literal death as children since children can't take care of themselves, feeling threatened by parents is as traumatic as facing down a lion or a gun. I just wanted to mention that because when you say that you are usually more responsible and you're annoyed with yourself for not being organized, you could be the most perfectly organized person in the world, but ptsd is totally irrational, and you should probably not use it as a mirror for your essential competence and worth in the world.

 

[Freida]

Hi @Chris-duck. In reading your posts, I was just struck by how classic your "symptoms" are - catastrophic thinking, and perhaps dysregulation and hypervigilance. Something that I find helpful, and maybe you do or not, is to remind myself of what the experts say. Having complex ptsd is the result of facing literal death as children since children can't take care of themselves, feeling threatened by parents is as traumatic as facing down a lion or a gun. I just wanted to mention that because when you say that you are usually more responsible and you're annoyed with yourself for not being organized, you could be the most perfectly organized person in the world, but ptsd is totally irrational, and you should probably not use it as a mirror for your essential competence and worth in the world.

THIS!!!!!!!!! Listen to words of brilliance!

 

[Justmehere]

Being over controlling is a way to cope with pain. It is a defense mechanism. Finding other ways to manage pain and fear may help. It may be as simple as adding in moments of taking a slow deep breath throughout the day. Slow down the fight or flight that you are trying to manage in the midst of uncertainty.

 

[Chris-duck]

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I've been grumpy and avoidant recently basically and didn't really know what to say. Still don't but hey :laugh:

Having complex ptsd is the result of facing literal death as children since children can't take care of themselves,

Yeah. I get this. Cos obviously children are dependent on parents for survival. But I think cos I never (consciously?) worried my life was in danger, I don't really apply it to me. I dunno why cos I understand the idea.

Finding other ways to manage pain and fear may help

Any suggestions? I basically go to distraction, and I pretty much have that down ? but yeah. I'm open to ideas.

Thanks for replying. Sorry again I'm slow at getting back to you.

 

[Justmehere]

Any suggestions? I basically go to distraction, and I pretty much have that down ? but yeah. I'm open to ideas.

DBT self help sites online generally have a lot of great suggestions. I can tell you for myself, I have been working on grounding and getting my brain out of fight or flight that drives my own maladaptive coping skills. Deep breathing, safe strong sensations, physical activity, and engaging mindfulness in things I already have to do, like cooking a meal mindfully by really noticing every ingredient. Gratitude lists can help me with fear. When I get scared, I focus on everything that is wrong. Making myself write down even one thing I'm grateful for can help shift it a bit. (I've got a running list on my phone, lets me review it at any time.) Self care of making sure I'm showering, eating well, getting what sleep I can, etc will also help reduce my emotional vulnerability and thus the drive to engaged maladaptive coping skills to manage. Setting a timer to worry about a fear for a time, and then imagine putting the list of fears away for later. (Weird but common therapy containment skill that can work for some.)

If you are able to notice it before controlling, and depending on how strong the desire is to do it, there is a technique called urge surfing. It's a mindfulness / CBT technique of basically about really noticing the desire to do something, and letting the feeling come and go. It can actually shift the brain over time in a way that the desire or urge doesn't come as strongly because it doesn't lead to the reward of the behavior. it's tough, but when I can do it, it really can work. Kinda feels miserable for the very short term, but over the long term, it has helped me reduce strong habits.

One thing to remember is to build up a whole tool belt and to not get discouraged if just a few tools are not enough to change a habit. Any one tool isn't likely to end the fear and pain that drives one to control, but a whole tool belt will give you other options. You will still have the control "tool" in the toolbelt, but it will also be there with a whole lot of other tools, and you can mix it up more often with practice.

 

[Mach123]

When I feel like you do and I do mostly, it's anxiety. I only can suggest activity. Anything but nothing, because when I do nothing it's worse. Cleaning has been helpful lately. I'm trying to do more. Doing things makes me feel better. Little steps.

Going easy on myself was a radical acceptance meditation thing I taught myself which is "the hell with everything" without the negative emotional pain. I just got to "phuck it I'm happy." Most of the heavy bad feelings for me are self loathing.

I'm very isolated which probably helps the most sadly.

I hope you feel better I know just how it feels, it's very hard.

 

[grit]

Hi
I resonated a lot of your posts and responses. I was that unusual control freak and probably still conciouly try to recover from it because I have been awaken to it but you put it in words so well.

I dunno how to phrase this right cos I'm not a "typical" control freak. Cos most of my "omg you're doing it wrong" feelz are inside and I keep quiet about them

You have received a lot of good fedfback. I do not know what works for others but I learned in therapy a lot of what happened tome were before I could speak. The most grace thing that happened to me and saved me was learning how to say no even if I get beaten to a pulp. At least I knew I did not agree with the abuser. So I became a control freak but obviously I also learned how to adapt in life and saw how much I was control freak. I am telling you this to give context to what I am to suggest.
It worked for me... So take it with grain or dose of salt.
Stop defending. Say exactly what is happening I. Words out loud to yourself in a space private enuf if you need to cry or let out. I am unhappy. I am scared. I am losing my control. I was abused brutally and my body is showing how terrified I was. I am safe now but got stuck in the body memory of scared and overwhelmed I was. I was a child if this is so. I cannt believe I was this scared when I was so young. Try to feel for the young version of you. Adults are control freaks not children...so long you are feeling control you are exerting your adult authority over your child experience and the adult control never wins. I say to myself I was young. I was good child. I was taken advantage of. I am feeling that and resisting. I survived then that is how strong and good child I was. I love you to your when you were child. Just humble words. No protection or defense needed cause it is body memory not reality.
I know your reality is stress now but the stress triggered your foundation as you noted above. So I am focusing on the foundation.
To lessened the impact on others around you, I use language like I am sorry babe I am triggered and may not be fully present so hope you understand why I am short or annoying. It is truly my fault I am not picking my slack. This when honesty helps. In your own words. This is what I do both internally and externally and I do it so much some of them are automatic by now.

I hope this grip passes and you find your strength and light. I know it can feel the end of the world but that is precisely why I know it is an I ner experience because our adult side knows there are worse things we survived but as youngesters every experience was the first and felt like end of life.
Wishing you speedy flow of yourself.

 

[Chris-duck]

Link Removed online generally have a lot of great suggestions

Thanks. I done a group DBT thing a couple years back. Tbh though I only really use crisis things from it n not really owt for general background crap. I'll take a look :)

Making myself write down even one thing I'm grateful for can help shift it a bit.

Yeah. This is something I'm confused about right now. I'm grateful for lots of things. I've a lot of good people around me and good experiences in my life. I'm not sure how to integrate that with the other crap.

If you are able to notice it before controlling, and depending on how strong the desire is to do it, there is a technique calledLink Removed

Yeah. I use that for SI and SH stuff pretty regularly. I'll try it out for other stuff too. I'm getting frustrated replying cos like I'm aware of so many skills apparently but I suck at using them ? Thanks for reminders

One thing to remember is to build up a whole tool belt and to not get discouraged if just a few tools are not enough to change a habit.

Yeah, thanks :)

I only can suggest activity. Anything but nothing, because when I do nothing it's worse

Worse for me when I do nothing. But I'm not sure activity is always the right way to go for me, although it might be for you. The more activity I do to distract me, the more I crash once I have nothing to do. I need a way to be okay with doing nothing too. Instead of constant activity then crash then activity then crash forever.

I'm very isolated which probably helps the most sadly.

Heh. I do better with other people. Not loud requiring-energy people. But it's similar to my distraction thing. I do best with lots of close friends around me but without having to *do* much. I've isolated a lot recently and I'm not sure it's been good for me.

The most grace thing that happened to me and saved me was learning how to say no even if I get beaten to a pulp

I think I've done this too. Like voicing my own opinion would lead to a fight but I'd have control over the fight cos I could speak or not. So it was predictable? I dunno

Stop defending. Say exactly what is happening

I'll try. I'm bad at compassion for me as a kid (putting it nicely. I hate kid me). But I get I should try and see me how I see other kids and try some of this stuff.

I hope this grip passes and you find your strength and light

Thanks :)