Relationship What do I do now?

[Tinyflame]

Unfortunately, I’m not sure the same is true of my ex. She’s very much an ‘I’m fine’ kinda girl. Tells herself she’s not a ‘victim’ and puts on a very brave face. I think that’s part of why I never really looked into the kind of affects that the experiences she shared with me could have. Because she seemed to be coping with it all.

Reading through this forum I see how wrong that perception of mine was. She barely sleeps, she drinks quite a bit, she has shortness of breath, heart palpations, waves of strong emotions and what I now know to be real triggers for seemingly innocuous things. We went to return something to a shop once and she forgot the receipt which caused a mild anxiety attack. She explained it was the kind of thing her ex would freak out about. I did my best to calm her but again, the fact that she told me about it and seemed to recover quickly meant I didn’t think much more about it.

Add to all this a lack of support network and money,

Yes to all of the above.

I’m far from an expert but it seems obvious that that is a huge step in itself.

Taken about 35 years to get here, and a whole lot of help the last 10+ , especially. And suicide attempts. Yep.

 

[EveHarrington]

Particularly with these short, intense relationships that leave us feeling like we had a connection like we've never had before.

I say this not to break your heart, but more so you can let go when it’s time to let go.

The CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY INTENSE relationship thing started happening for me when I was all of 17. Almost a few decades later and I’d still be doing it if I didn’t find someone who somehow got me to stick around. (The last crazy intense relationship I had was a year and a half ago, immediately followed by the guy I’m dating now.) My official diagnosis didn’t kick in until about 10 years ago, but since I’m a childhood abuse survivor, I’ve actually been dealing with this crap my whole life!

I know you may want to believe that this connection you had with this woman was a once in a lifetime kind of thing, but speaking from the flip side, you may be just one of many who have experienced this kind of intense connection with her. I’m not trying to be cruel, rather this is just something that some of us do, not so much on purpose, but rather because it’s how we learned to navigate romantic relationships.

I’m 30-whatever and just now learning that the intense shit I used to crave is absolutely nothing when compared with true, deep love.

If she does move on, the best thing you can do for yourself is to move on as well, and avoid dwelling on how it was this once in a lifetime intense connection.

 

[Justmehere]

Those struggling with drinking, and trauma for that matter, can often hide the depth of the struggle really well. The fact that you picked up on as much as you did in a month is a big flag she’s could have a lot more going on for her.

I do believe your connection was very real and there isn’t anything wrong with going fast. But sometimes with other things going on like drinking and panic attacks are a sign to slow down. Pace the speed of the relationship. A woman jumping into a trip with a guy a few weeks after she met him is pretty gutsy.

The thing that’s eating me up inside is all of the things I’ve learned since she called it off. I realise that it might not have made a difference to the outcome but I can’t help but feel that if I’d have known then what I do now, I could have handled it better and things might not have been so definitive for her. Doesn’t feel like there’s anything I can do now though

You can’t outweigh the weight of her unmanaged trauma symptoms and unaddressed trauma history. You can take what you have learned from this experience into new relationships.

Honestly I feel certain our connection wasn’t something I imagined. Much like I feel certain her reason for ending it didn’t match the reality of what we were. Feels like that makes it harder in a way because, despite knowing better, I can’t help but hope that she’ll reach the same realisation soon.

The reason for her ending overall seems like she wasn’t ready for the relationship. You and her are both focused on the superficial reason she gave, but both of you keep mentioning bigger issues that probably drove the relationship apart like her fear you would be like her ex and her fear about abuse over something like a lost receipt.

One of the hard things about being a supporter is that it can be like battling of the ghosts from the past. Sufferers can struggle to not see safe people as being the same as past abusers.

It is crummy it turned out this way but I’m glad you have good support and things are shifting for you as you work it through.

 

[Phillearn]

Thanks @EveHarrington, i didn't read any of it as you trying to break my heart and i really appreciate the perspective you offer. if you dont mind me asking, when you say CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY INTENSE relationship, what kind of things in the relationship are you referring to?

Those struggling with drinking, and trauma for that matter, can often hide the depth of the struggle really well. The fact that you picked up on as much as you did in a month is a big flag she’s could have a lot more going on for her.

this makes sense. not sure i'd give myself the credit of picking up on them though, she shared them with me. which is part of why i feel as though there was an opportunity to offer more support for her in dealing with them

You can’t outweigh the weight of her unmanaged trauma symptoms and unaddressed trauma history. You can take what you have learned from this experience into new relationships.

you're right, i can and hope i will

The reason for her ending overall seems like she wasn’t ready for the relationship. You and her are both focused on the superficial reason she gave, but both of you keep mentioning bigger issues that probably drove the relationship apart like her fear you would be like her ex and her fear about abuse over something like a lost receipt.

this is how i feel. but i also know that she knows im not, based on what she'd say after having those thoughts. which makes it all the harder to swallow.

It is crummy it turned out this way but I’m glad you have good support and things are shifting for you as you work it through.

thanks @Justmehere, i have to say, this forum has provided a huge amount of information, advice and comfort throughout. it has given a great deal more context and perspective on topics that my therapist loosely introduced.

 

[LovingH]

That's definitely an interesting view although it makes me feel like maybe intense isn't the right word to describe what i mean. it wasn't the kind of intensity that feels like living every day as if its your last. i mean more the intensity of the feelings. for me personally, in a very short space of time i truly believed i had found the person that i had been waiting for. to be honest i feel like that had so much more to do with her and who she is than it does to do with me and how i approach things. i couldnt make myself feel that way about someone, nor could i behave in a way that resulted in someone else giving me the feelings she did.

i wouldnt want to speak for any of the other people who's feelings seem similar to mine but what ive interpreted from those in a similar situation to me, it feels like it comes from a place where we kind of know. i've dated, been in relationships and this was the first time it all just seemed to fall into place. i wasnt in constant contact with her because she or i forced it, it was because we had so much to say, so much to share with each other. the connection didnt feel like it came from a conscious effort to be open, or funny, or serious, it felt so natural. It felt like we cherished each other, like we both knew we were lucky to have found each other. And then it was gone. In a day. And im left to question how that happens. Coming here and reading so many similar stories helped in a number of ways. Mainly in starting to feel like the cause of it wasnt really anything i did or didnt do or could change. While that helps a little bit, it doesnt do much for the sense of loss, for the memory of the feeling of having a connection like that. and, perhaps worst of all, for the hope that it might return, with her

Wow. You just totally nailed it. That describes my relationship perfectly. And yeah, I've been with many other people, as well, and so I feel I can tell the difference between what my ex and I had, and what I've had with others. This was on a whole other level.

I just posted because, even tho it's been 4 months since I've seen him, I am still lost.

I can't help but wonder how we could have had what we had, and he doesn't miss me???

How could he suggest that? I don't get it.

@Tinyflame

The thing that’s eating me up inside is all of the things I’ve learned since she called it off. I realise that it might not have made a difference to the outcome but I can’t help but feel that if I’d have known then what I do now, I could have handled it better and things might not have been so definitive for her. Doesn’t feel like there’s anything I can do now though

A lot of us feel like that. You're not the only one.

I didn't truly understand my ex's need for space til I came to this forum, well after our relationship fell apart.

I don’t know that she’s falling apart, for all I know she could be fine, in a new relationship, in therapy or in pieces. Just noticed the other day that she’s removed all of her instagram followers, which she’d talked about doing before but seems like it could mean something.

That's the hard part, isn't it? Not knowing how they're doing. I'm relieved to find out I'm not the only one who stalks my ex's IG lol

 

[EveHarrington]

Everything moved at the speed of light. Oversharing, too fast, too soon. Letting them know everything about me. (Big mistake. They thought that they were “special” because they saw my inner workings. They weren’t. I readily share too much with guys when I feel any sort of connection, no matter how small.) Guys wanted to put a ring on it after a month. Planning our RETIREMENT after a few months. (Shit, I’m only in my 30’s!) They were in love with the super fun intense me. They didn’t love me for me, as in loving the whole me. They loved the crazy intense me.

I didn’t learn what real love was until last year. It was the first relationship I’ve ever had that moved slowly. He knows I struggle, a lot. I’ve put him through hell, but he loves me still. This is true love, as he’s seen me at my very worst and loves me. He’s never seen my crazy intense side, so he doesn’t love me for that. It’s kind of like I’ve learned that I can be loved for me, toned down and all. I don’t have to put out a crazy intense fun front.

This is just me though.

 

[HealingMama]

PTSD whether simple or complex makes it hard to trust. Having relational trauma from abuse whether sexual, physical or emotional even more so.

I've been married for 6 years and still very frequently go to thoughts like what's the point, wanting to end it, when there is even a small betrayal or a rupture in the attachment. It feels like my partner is shattering the entire relationship when there is a rupture without instantaneous repair and even an effort at repair.... Well after most important people in your life have hurt you, taken advantage of you, not let you have a voice, not given you space to exist as your own person, it's really hard to just bounce back from things sometimes. It's easier to go back to avoiding relationship than risking hurting yet again. So that basically means a lot of effort at repair isn't even going to work because it's already too hard to trust and relax and get close to people with any consistency

I'm sorry you went through this, just trying to share a bit about the thought process that might be involved when a person with CPTSD is quick to say nevermind. I would not fault you for deciding that this pattern means such a relationship is too much work. I often think life would be better if I just got out of my relationship and didn't get into another one. It's too hard.

 

[grit]

I think it is much easier to see her flaws and obvious struggles but I wonder what is missing in your life that she filled such momentarily and yet significantly that you cannt or have challenges to let go?
I think if she was so unconscious all about the impact of her truama, you are unconscious of your own unresolved issues around rescuing or being helpful when it is not warranted. These qualities are great in relationship but when attached to unrequited love or pain, they are just as feeling of emptiness.
I honestly hope you find a relationship that doesn't deplete you but fills you with love.
What you experienced with this woman was a mirror to show you your own blind spot, you did not see her trueself and all you saw her as a case to mold to your liking and she bolted not because you were bad but because you implicitly trigger how she was taken over by an overwhelming and overbearing traumatic relationship. You did nt see her beauty and unfortunately she did not see yours either. Hence the pain and the gaping hole you have. Fill it with love and understanding of your own so you are able to see the next woman for who she is truly and she can do the same for you. I hope this makes sense and if comments are out of bounds, I apologize.

 

[Phillearn]

ok so i have a bit of an update. as i mentioned, i sent her a letter to because i wanted her to know how much i respect her and that as some time has passed i deeply regret telling her not to contact me and the thought that she has wanted to but hasn't because of what i said. she called me after reading it and we spoke for hours.

at first our conversation was very normal - a general catch up on how we've both been and whats been going on but after a short time she became very emotional and started to talk about how she was struggling. she described some signs of depression such as a total lack of motivation and the feeling that every day tasks felt insurmountable. its so hard to hear her like that knowing she has no real support network and has to deal with it all alone. I offered some supportive words but didnt feel like there was a great deal more i could do.

our call was interrupted and we then spoke again later. we spoke about a lot of things and i was surprised at how much self reflection she had done about her feelings. what surprised me the most was that she said that she feels that what she had previously described as a lack of sexual attraction to me was actually more to do with her feelings towards sex in general. the reason this surprised me was because i felt like it would be a much easier thing for her to process if the issue was just her feelings, or lack of, towards me rather than sex in general. Of course it also felt significant because this feeling was presented as the driving force in her decision to end things.

throughout the conversation she said many things i have seen said on these forums. things like i deserve better, someone who knows their own mind better than her, that its not fair for her to drag me along in all this and other things like that. she also made it clear that she wants to face these issues of hers and is being as pro active as she can in seeking support.

we've been in semi regular contact since then, sometimes shes initiated it and sometimes i have. switching between casual friendly conversation and deeper conversations about us and what this all means. we've both said we struggle with knowing where the line is now between speaking more than not at all and speaking too much.

i guess im wondering what to make of it all

 

[lostforgottensoul]

she described some signs of depression

we've been in semi regular contact since then, sometimes shes initiated it

Encourage her to go to therapy. She needs therapy, it sounds like, and she needs a professional to diagnose her if she does indeed have a mental disorder(s).

 

[grit]

Reading your update reminded me of the Raptors pick of Leanord while he was injured but knowing the experience oh he was a champion player. He took the Raptors to champion after he was nurtured and loved deeply when everybody knew deep down he was not going to stay after one season when he becomes free agent. But everybody including him and the whole country of Canada gave their love and yet let him go graciously.
You may have certain connections but not enough foundation for a healthy strong and lasting relationship. This is just my opinion reading your responses.

 

[Justmehere]

i guess im wondering what to make of it all

Seems like maybe your ex is trying out being friends because she’s not in a place in her life to be more than that.

I’d suggest not holding to this relationship for sure turning into something more because if it doesn’t, you will be really let down and you both may lose the friendship. Instead, enjoy the friendship and continue on with your life. If you are meant to be more then it will turn into something more.