Emotional closeness means abuse

[HealingMama]

While I understand intellectually that most people will not abuse me if I let them get close, emotionally this is my truth. If not abused, then certainly I will be hurt. And this ties into a belief that I can't handle being hurt in this way, and can't handle remaining connected to someone that hurts me after I let them get close.

How have you addressed a similar belief, if you have? Especially if you know intellectually it isn't accurate but still had or have resonance with it.

 

[piratelady]

I have the same belief. It’s one I’ve been trying to get passed for a long time, but I haven’t been able to. My therapist and I are going to try to make some steps next week to help me start being vulnerable with my husband which will help with this I’m told.

 

[Wendell_R]

I imagine safe people and relationships with those people in my head. Sometimes the people are imaginary, sometimes they are real people, but they are idealized in my head. I am dealing with a part of me that is very afraid of intimacy right now. I remembered from a long time ago (just a few years after trauma) a nice waitress at the pizza parlor I used to go to every Sunday. At the time, I was both too shy and too damaged to do much more than chat a bit. But now, I imagine a more intimate relationship. What's very important to me is to have control over how close we are. Sometimes even holding hands is hard, and that's okay. What's also important is to tell myself that the trauma in the past doesn't have to dictate my responses now. I'm also planning on making a collage in my journal of the old pizza parlor, what I ordered, and places we could go on imaginary dates (like walks in the park).

I have a big fear of being hit. One thing that my therapist and I have done is an activity I call "mirrors". We stand facing each other, as close as is comfortable. One person does arm motions, and the other mimics them. We do this while watching one another. There is something very intimate about being so close to my therapist, even though we are not touching. I feel waves of fear of being hit come up, and then I remind myself that I am not being hit, and I experience being close. Now that I am comfortable doing this, I also do mirrors just imaging my therapist near me, out in a field or in my home.

EMDR has also helped me free myself from these old beliefs.

 

[Keming]

i focus on the intellectual until i can almost feel it. i debrief with every positive interaction. i look at probability, consistency. and i remind myself that i deserve good things, including relationships - even simple relationships, like 'this is someone i game with.'

 

[Ronin]

How have you addressed a similar belief, if you have?

By acting / leaving.

By telling them about as much I would not mind an enemy knowing... and seeing what they do, with that, being different.

& By working on my understanding of / limits with abuse. I still think of too much is just another day / other flavor, the same Tuesday, so back to the grokking where the lines should be, instead of are in my life.

... and back to KidsCheck. I watch out more correct where kids are concerned, so if I would teach them X about emotions & reactions, time to apply the same to my own life.

 

[Cypress]

I have the same belief and have not yet reached any intellectual understanding that this belief is not accurate. I never jump in the water, just float on the surface. That feels safe which is more important than connection right now.

 

[Deanna]

I am close to a few people ( let my vulnerability out) it's so hard for us but I can let my guard down once in awhile. Having a pet helped me.

 

[ms spock]

Especially if you know intellectually it isn't accurate but still had or have resonance with it.

I am stuck on this one.

 

[Mach123]

It's a core struggle. She abuses me, I abuse her. At least there are some rules.

I left my last "job" where I was close with my boss, who becomes my abuser in my emotional subconscious nightmare, because I came across "I'm trying to make him hit me."

What's even more complicated is I'm trying to be feminine or submissive which is me or an alter, take your pick. And I'm always fighting that. So I know it's going to keep happening because I create it.

I know what's behind the whole thing. Right now it hasn't "helped" because that part is much more comfortable now and I can't repress it anymore.

It's uncomfortable lol.

 

[HealingMama]

Thanks everyone. I think part of the problem is this is an unconsciously stored belief. Because I often find myself sabotaging planned opportunities for closeness such as a vacation or a holiday with family. Even when my partner has a day off from work, there will inevitably be a conflict and while I try to tell myself it's because he does messed up things I do wonder if this belief isnt behind some of that. Can't get close, can't relax and enjoy quality time with people, etc.

Yes @Cypress for me safety is more important than connection.

@Deanna I would say having a pet has also helped me, because I can be loving to her and not risk being hurt. I've often enjoyed animals more than people because animals don't try to harm except in predictable scenarios.

@Ronin that makes sense to tell them as much as you would not mind an enemy knowing.

@Mach123 yes definitely there are parts that resonate with this more than others for me also.