Loneliness

[Freida]

You start here. On this forum. You practice and pay attention. What do you share? How do people react? Are the supportive or dismissive? What draws you to some people and away from others? What things do you have in common - other than ptsd. What do you enjoy about your interactions?

Then take those questions and experiences out into the world. How do they line up out there? Volunteering is a good start because it lets you pick your environment. I'm a total not-volunteer type....until I found the horses. Now I have people to talk with there. Some I like, some I don't and some are just too damn much.. But it helps take away some of the loneliness because we share a purpose.

 

[Athos]

What has actually helped, when you've been here, if you've been here?
What can help?

I don’t know.

I was going to say distraction, but you’re already doing that.

Distraction is my thing. Especially if my other option would be to go and destroy the ones giggling. I’m exaggerating of course, and you don’t sound unstable. Removing myself from the situation works for me, but if you’re in your room and can hear them, obviously you can’t leave. Unless you can? For a short time? To another part of the place?

I’ve tried getting angry at my abuser, to put the blame where it belongs. Doesn’t help me much. Just leaves me sad.

I’ve tried being passive aggressive to the people doing the giggling. Doesn’t feel good either.

I’ve tried doing the compassionate path of acknowledging my own feelings and basically saying kind things to myself, or my inner child. This works for me. But it’s hard for me to do in the moment. I haven’t done this myself, maybe have something kind written to yourself that you can read to yourself at the moment? I don’t know if I’d remember to do it or if it’d help.

I’ve tried thinking about what might be just awful about the giggling people’s situation. Is it really as wonderful as I’m thinking it is? Maybe it isn’t all as rosy as it looks 100% of the time? Maybe some parts of it is plain annoying at times?

I’ve tried thinking about in what ways I may be better off than them. For example, I have my whole bed to myself while they have to share? Ugh. Who wants that?! I can listen to whatever music I want to, and they have to tolerate another person’s opinion? Ugh. This may sound childish, but it kind of works for me. It helps me think my situation isn’t the worst and theirs probably isn’t the best. Balances it out a bit.

I’ve tried pinpointing exactly what part of the situation is appealing to me, then thinking about is there any way I can get a similar thing in my current life that may meet that need for me at least somewhat?

I think you wrote that it’s people being with other people that leaves you feeling alone. This feels like a big goal, but is there any way you can gradually get yourself in environments where you are with other people more? It may not be giggling with a boyfriend right away, but it may be a more feasible to you right now option? Whatever that may mean for your situation.

Vague, I know. I’m just thinking there’s probably levels to this. For me for example, kids are easier to be around, then pets, then strangers in an open space that aren’t interacting with me directly, then someone I know one on one, to two people I know, etc.

I’ve tried thinking about other parts of these giggling people’s lives. Is there some area that they had bad luck? Are they struggling in some way? Or have they in the past? This is the compassionate thing again. I try thinking about the challenges they’ve had and telling myself they deserve this sliver of happiness in their life. This helps me if I pair it with being kind to myself.

I’m not always able to be very mature in my handling of difficult feelings, but I find that anytime I’m at least able to keep that shit to myself, I’m already winning.

Which you are doing, by posting about it here, and having a therapist, and knowing you are working through it.

 

[Athos]

But for these moments; when it's 1am, I can't sleep, I'm feeling like the most insignificant speck in this infinite universe, and all I can hear is non-stop f*cking giggling. What do you do then?

I remembered something I used to do that I found soothing and this makes me want to do it again.

Randomly one day I recorded myself reading the poem Desiderata on my phone. On the difficult nights that I lay awake, I’d listen to it. It felt so soothing to hear my own voice quietly and slowly saying the words “...You’re a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here...” Those are the famous lines, but the whole thing is good.

I’m sure it added to the effect that I could see big trees outside of my window and I could see the stars, it was out in the country where it’s pitch black at night. I’d be looking at the magnificent trees and the stars and think to myself “I’m no less than them?!” For some reason, it was a wonderful feeling. I don’t have that window anymore, but I want to think I’d like this still.

You wrote that you feel “like the most insignificant speck in this infinite universe.” Desiderata would beg to differ, and maybe you’ll find it comforting.

Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata"

 

[Mads]

How do you/ how have you combated it?

This is something that I hugely struggle with.
Like right now: it's 1am, I can't sleep, again, and all I can hear are my flatmate and her boyfriend giggling in their room down the hall.
Other people being happy with other people, I think that's what does it.
Or maybe just other people being with other people.

I don't like that it happens.
But that doesn't get around the fact that it does happen.
It, the loneliness pangs, conjures up so many feelings: jealousy, regret, sadness, frustration, self-doubt, worry, etc.

I know my self-esteem was massively crushed during my abusive relationship. It certainly hasn't been helped by the various friends over the years who have just gone.
I know that is something that I need to improve, and it is one of mine + T's goals for our work together.
I know that that is a process.

But for these moments; when it's 1am, I can't sleep, I'm feeling like the most insignificant speck in this infinite universe, and all I can hear is non-stop f*cking giggling. What do you do then?
What has actually helped, when you've been here, if you've been here?
What can help?

Headphones, music... roger.
They're on now.
But otherwise.

Help this little speck out.

Hi
I also suffer ptsd from an abusive relationship and have and still do experience this. I have found that being around animals has helped me a lot, I am not sure if you are aloud to have a dog but it actually helped me more than anything as you can connect with new people through dog walking and there is the company of the dog itself. There are lots of charity’s like cinnamon trust where you can walk other people’s dogs or look after the dogs for a period of time. When someone suggested this too me I thought it would be pointless but it has opened up so much to me. ive Made friends through walking mine and other people’s dogs and just makes me feel less lonely. Look for dog walking in your area

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I used to have roommates and this was a huge problem. Now I live alone, which has actually helped me feel less lonely.

It’s a little like social media: the more time I spend on it, the more I feel like my own life is stupid, like my apartment is a drag, like I don’t travel enough or go on enough adventures or have enough friends or have enough glasses of wine at sunset on the beach. But when I stay off of social média, I appreciate the improvements I’ve made over the years in my living space, my plants, etc.

Things that help me combat loneliness now are staged social encounters. I have a fairly robust support system (wasn’t always the case), and at some point I tried to figure out where I met all my friends. It turns out every relationship I have started with a class we took together, a work experience, or some other rather formal encounter. So, when I feel lonely, taking an adult education class helps me interact with people. Sometimes they become friends. Sometimes they don’t. But either way, at least I end up with a little bit of social interaction that helps ease those 1am moments.

Even little things that get me around people during the day - sitting in coffee shops or the library, going to a museum - help more than I’d like to admit.

 

[willhealeventually]

Your post really resonated with me. I used to feel so good being alone. But recently, I’ve felt lonely. I also look at others interacting and feel wistful, like why it can’t be me.
I’m attractive, but maybe I send out other invisible signals that say “don’t come near me.” I’m on a dating site and get few to no likes or messages. Because I am tired, or busy with my kid, or have anxiety around people - and ptsd, I can’t really bring myself to go out and meet someone. So I’m alone and lonely.
I don’t have friends nearby and even when there are opportunities, I avoid scheduling visits. It’s like a catch-22, I want friends but I don’t want to be with people. I want/don’t want a partner.
If a friend calls, I end up talking too much/too fast because I haven’t talked to anyone in awhile. It gets all built up and I forget the protocols of conversation. Then I start feeling bad about myself....

 

[littleoc]

I get really lonely too, especially when I compare myself to others. It sounds like that’s happening to you too a bit.

The need to be around other humans is a survival instinct, so loneliness can also trigger anxiety. So I focus on combating that mild anxiety by reaching out somewhere. Sometimes I just go out and act like I’m not lonely. I’ve gotten really comfortable with my own presence, and that’s helps. Pets help. But when I need human company, I try to go out and see someone. I have no significant others yet, and I think that makes me feel the loneliest, so I try not to focus on that. I acknowledge it and then do something fun for a while. Some games work, if you play any?

Sorry you feel this way :hug: :hug: I think it does happen to every human on Earth, if it helps to know that. From what I understand, it’s because of a feeling like we’re missing out on something. We see or hear of others having fun together, wonder why we weren’t included, and then get stressed out and lonely. So, try to challenge that and see what happens :) You deserve good friends all over the place, in my opinion!

 

[Carmen1]

we are social creatures, we actually do need positive human contact. Hence why i am even working on my pstd, bc i am good at meeting people but terrible at establishing something that will last. When people look for me I feel harassed, i dont like to get invites etc, then i get bored and wonder why am i not out ther edoing something fun? maybe bc i blow everyone off?? then also, i am very nice ta the begginning but as relationships progress my mask falls and i make a big deal out of anything, i feel constantly attacked and belittled and then i explode, people dont appreciate that. I get more chances but i will surely feel offended soon. My mom says i am hypersensituve and it akes sense due to ptsd i am always on fight or flight and always loking for any sign of abuse. So basically i c hoose to focus on any offense, and then react as if it was something as major as past abuse.
Im just trying to say, we struggle in interpersonal relationships. But we must work on this bc we actually do crave them. So lets try over and over, do the work, go to therapy, and fight this battle.
All the best <3

 

[willhealeventually]

i am very nice ta the begginning but as relationships progress my mask falls and i make a big deal out of anything, i feel constantly attacked and belittled and then i explode, people dont appreciate that. I get more chances but i will surely feel offended soon. My mom says i am hypersensituve and it akes sense due to ptsd i am always on fight or flight and always loking for any sign of abuse. So basically i c hoose to focus on any offense, and then react as if it was something as major as past abuse.

I can really relate to all of this. It was both painful and validating to read this. I am also always comparing someone’s actions in the light of past trauma. I so badly want to change that.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I have wall calendars for 3 months (white board calendars). Usually, on nights I can't get back to sleep or can't get to sleep, I'll plan my vacations and upcoming events, look for classes to take, update my calendar, send cards or emails to people, so-I'm making plans or doing some form of connecting activity and thinking about someone else.....or some other activity that will lead to socialization. So if you can't socialize in the moment, look up meet-ups, plan a road trip or day trip, update your calendar, check out workshops and classes (the library has many interesting free workshops, musical events, and check out the local recreation department, too. I think just looking gives me ideas for new things to try....or at least consider that will lead to human interaction and the possibility of widening my rather small social circle. This kind of planning is positive....and I try to stay away from communicating and focusing on problems at nighttime....I get spun and stay up all night if I do.

 

[Survivor3]

I too feel very lonely sometimes. I get jealous of other people who have friends and relationships. My T said to me 'am I alone or am I lonely ' I think it's both. When I'm with other people im quite often anxious because of the amount of abuse and humiliation I've received from people in the past. I've started doing some volunteering which helps because I'm around people and forced to interact. When I'm on my own I find it very difficult to feel safe and comfortable. I can't even read books at the moment because I'm constantly having intrusive thoughts.

I don't have advice to give but I agree with many of the things other people have said. Taking little steps by joining groups or going out for periods of time in public places definitely helps. I hope things improve for you because I know how much of a struggle it can be. All the best to you.

 

[Lionheart]

I compare myself down. I almost always say I am totally alone because everyone seems to have somebody, except for me. I don't compare myself up. I almost never say I have many cyber friends, extended family members, or someone I am interested in. I also do not ask for what I want. I don't say that I want an intimate relationship. etc. At least, that is to say, I don't really put myself out there to meet other people because my experiences with relationships have been unhappy. I suppose I am jaded.

So my suggestions would be trying to put yourself out there, (as you are comfortable) so that others can get to know you. Compare yourself up instead of down. And don't forget to ask for what you want. If there is someone you'd like to get to know better, tell them that. I hope that this is somehow helpful for you. I know it has been a pleasure to have your support and friendship here on the forums, and I am sure there are other people "out there" that will also like you if given the chance.