Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Before we went to bed my husband was being flirtatious and initially said he was too tired for sex but then there was some ambiguity about things like maybe he changed his mind but didn't want to say so. (His preference for subtlety and subtext/implicit style communication can be incredibly triggering and confusing.)

It triggered one of my protectors. I felt it swirling around inside creating a bunch of tension, looking for a reason to snap on him.

I really am tired of having an internal battle every day. I'm either discombobulated or having angry me's trying to cause trouble or I'm crying and can't just relax and be normal. I really want to be normal not a weirdo.

I told hubby this morning about not being able to sleep and he asked why. I hate that I have all this sensitivity to energy. It's caused a whole lot of issues between us including controlling behavior from me such as when it feels like he's on websites that are "dirty" energetically and the website energy signature starts clawing its way into my house. I haven't mastered how to consistently unplug from intense energy experiences like that.

I really really hope the hypnotherapy session will give me insight into this angry snarly part. I wonder if I have CSA that my conscious mind doesn't know about. Sex has been such a major point for switching and dissociation and parts protesting things.

I don't hear them as voices. I feel their communication though. Sometimes I hear them whispering. I think they could communicate better if I actually accepted the effort I'm supposed to put into it.

I don't recall having whispering voices my whole life. But I was also really really numb. And phobic as hell about stuff like this.

Sometimes I wonder if I have possession issues but according to the literature dissociation should be treated the same way regardless of whether that feels like a factor. I wonder if my desire to escape and melt away made an opening for darker energies to set up shop and feed on the inner trauma and anger.

I feel like I would function even worse if that were true and would be experiencing command hallucinations rather than mostly passive influence.

But if possession is real on some level, and if that's part of the picture here, then "accepting and owning my parts" is not a good idea.

I did try a lot of "self exorcism" type stuff in my 20s. I had this feeling that something was hitchhiking on me. I went to a lot of energy workers and could never get it resolved.

I read that you have to take full responsibility for your life to heal stuff like that. You also have to starve it of whatever it is feeding on. If I have any possession issues then it feeds on anger and pain.

Apparently there can be demon alters too so idk what to think.

So here I am back to not knowing what my truth is.

I don't recall having imaginary friends as a child. But I don't recall my childhood much regardless. I recall having to work my ass off, my mother putting my sister and I against each other, trying soooo hard every year to get my mom gifts she liked and never feeling like they were good enough. When I got older I would work so hard at school that I would crash and burn and sleep through the entire weeklong breaks during the school year. Until I got mono and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and fell into a self destructive hole for a few years. I suspect I could have had alters exerting passive influence back then.

 

[HealingMama]

If all you can say is “Something really bad happened to you lots of times” then that’s better than throwing the whole thing out because she can’t remember whether it was a Wednesday or a Thursday. She needs you to be a witness with her of her experience, holding and empathising and helping her to heal. The last thing she needs is for you to be a barrister looking for the loopholes in her account.

From a PODS article for supporters of dissociative people. Link Removed

“Something really bad happened to you lots of times”

I may never know all the details. I sent the article to my husband after he said he doesn't know what to do when I switch. That part made me burst into tears. It's so hard to accept that I must have experienced some real shit to be this disorganized as a person. But I must have right? I know there was not physical abuse. Is emotional abuse really enough to shatter normal personality development?

I know I couldn't have boundaries. I was yelled at a lot. I was punished for having opinions that she found threatening. Then as I got older I'd call her out for stuff and she would play the victim.

I was like her living doll. Literally. I was in a ton of beauty pageants as a young child. Barf. ?

In this moment I am simultaneously afraid to accept that I came by this disorganized personality honestly, and validated by reading something that suggests I did.

 

[HealingMama]

I am weary of "working on myself." I want to rest and relax and not take this all so damn seriously.

 

[HealingMama]

It's hard to stay in my body today. Last night for SD17. I will probably have one drink so I can avoid causing any ruckus.

 

[HealingMama]

Feel like I'm dissociating more since trying to use this diary so I would like to take a break. Dissociating this much is not helping me in my life.

 

[Deanna]

She called me stupid during our recent family vacation. I laughed it off but shit man, what about that little girl that didn't know how to do that.

My real mom called me stupid, stinking and then my name the whole time growing up. As I got older, I realized she really hated my dad and I looked just like him growing up. They hated each other.. Hated us

I am kind of looking forward to her death. I suspect I'll get really dysregulated as I work the trauma out of me but after that I will finally feel safe. Or safer.

I wish i could feel that.but I can't with my real mom ( schizophrenic) i don't care when she dies.. But since you are attached to your mom..her death will hurt u. Just sayin'....

 

[Deanna]

I am weary of "working on myself." I want to rest and relax and not take this all so damn seriously.

You're fine.. Really. Everything is okay! :happy:

 

[HealingMama]

You're fine.. Really. Everything is okay! :happy:

Aww thank you. Hugs.

 

[Deanna]

:hug:

 

[Sideways]

I’m going to throw this in as a weird suggestion, based on references you’ve made to your chakras, feeling clogged by the energy of other people in your home, the dissociation you experience in bed, and feeling a bit over working ‘on yourself’.

One awesome thing that I’ve done in the past? Is re-do my bedroom. The whole lot. Walls, floor (rugs), bed linen, what furniture was in there and what needed to go out, the colour of the walls and what was on them, making sure I had a good balance with plants. All tech gear went into other spaces.

Worked really hard on making my bedroom a calming space. Payed a lot of attention to the energy of the room, and creating a space that actively brought down my stress, and was noticeably different from the rest of my house. Being visually different? Made it feel more like a haven.

If your hubby doesn’t mind, maybe that could be a project. It requires a surprising amount of introspection to get the energy of the room right for what feels calming for you (I discovered I need lamps, rather than using overhead lights, for example).

I now wake up in an emotional safe haven. When I go to bed at night, I close the door on the rest of the house and the energy is completely different. And now I have a space where my energy can just be. Switch on the white noise, and I can transport myself to a completely different space internally to where I was during the day.

Knowing some of your parts, they become relevant. I actively downplayed the style and objects associated with my ‘protector’ - she has her space outside the room, where I need to function. It’s child-friendly, but not child-oriented (their play things are also kept outside my room because, like children, they get my attention when I’m up and around, not while I’m in bed). There’s a lot of wood of cottons which speak to my spiritual part. It’s the one room where I burn incense to encourage her influence.

Interesting project anyways. Loads of images on pintrest for inspiration. And can cost as much, or as little, as you want.

Anyway, maybe doesn’t appeal to you at all, but it was one of those projects that I really enjoyed, because it was healing and positive and engaging, but without all the tough “working on me” stuff that therapy usually involves.

 

[HealingMama]

Lovely. I did some rearranging of the bedroom recently that definitely did seem to help. I feel better with the door closed too. I prefer to sleep separately from my spouse because otherwise I'm picking up on his physical pain or analysis or what have you. I have a lot of nighttime hypervigilence and he's a restless sleeper. He's also really messy and that definitely changes the vibe of the room. He protested at first but now he enjoys being able to be up as late as he wants without any ranting from me.

There is definitely more to be done and also I need to practice better spiritual hygiene. I have crystals and sage and all of that and don't work with them the way you're supposed to. I guess because only parts of me care about that. It feels better when I've taken care of that side of things, or burned a candle and watched it, played my singing bowl.... I am just often distracted by other stuff and struggle with consistency in honoring that part of myself.

I love your idea to incorporate knowledge of parts ... I definitely hadn't done that when I first took to making the bedroom a safe haven. Especially making sure the protector domain is outside the bedroom. I should totally do that! Thanks @Sideways

 

[HealingMama]

God, please help me figure my ish out.