Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

The ball is in his court. I found a marriage counselor who runs a chapter of CHADD so she will understand ADHD better than anyone we have seen before. But she can't see us until January for various reasons.

I'm not sure I can wait that long in the current situation so I basically sent him a list of my needs, and to let me know if he is unwilling to do these things so we can discuss terms of a separation.

My needs are things like put your phone down and look at me when I'm talking to you, don't call me names or storm out mid conversation, use active listening, and if you have a positive thought about me or notice that I did something that helped you tell me about it.

If he decides this is too much or I'm not worth it anymore or whatever, he decides he doesn't want to work on those things, I am feeling that I can proceed with a divorce as a mercy killing for us both.

If he's willing to make the effort on what I have said I need then i can try ti white knuckle it for a little while longer.

I'm feeling strangely at peace about the state of things. I have two equally viable options.

And he's working tonight so I will have the place to myself. And I might be getting an awesome new desk/tv stand second hand. I'm excited to redecorate!

 

[Gs172003]

Did you not know he had ADHD when you all got married? I haven't read everything so you may have said.

 

[HealingMama]

Did you not know he had ADHD when you all got married? I haven't read everything so you may have said.

I did know but he was still hyperfocusing on me until pretty much the month after we got married so the severity of his symptoms was masked. The new relationship flooded his brain with dopamine and once he had me bam, the problems came suddenly and painfully. I knew he was disorganized and wasn't going to be a provider but the intensity of his issues was hidden.

Hyperfocus Dating. The biggest shock to ADHD relationships comes with the transition from courtship to marriage. Typically, a person with ADHD hyperfocuses on his partner in the early stages of a relationship. He makes her feel she is the center of his world. When the hyperfocus stops, the relationship changes dramatically. The non-ADHD partner takes it personally.

My husband stopped hyperfocusing on me the day we got home from our honeymoon. Suddenly, he was gone — back to work, back to his regular life. I was left behind. After six months of marriage, I wondered if I had married the right man. The non-ADHD partner should remember that inattentiveness is not intentional, and find a way to forgive her partner. Feeling ignored is painful. Address the issue head-on by establishing ways to improve your connections and intimacy, and allowing yourself to mourn the pain that hyperfocus shock has caused you both.

Source: 9 Ways ADHD Ruins Marriages

 

[siniang]

I hope I, too, am not out of line. Totally feel free to ignore me, but after following along for quite a while now and reading through your posts from just today, two comments .

"eye for an eye" (aka, let him taste his own medicine) hardly ever works.

I feel there is a lot of projection. You constantly describe what you think he's thinking or not thinking or reasons for what he is or isn't doing on pretty much everything. I'm not sure that's fair to him.

I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time, but I'm with @somerandomguy . Focus on you and your self-care and not HIS mistakes for a little bit. (Because, frankly, he might just as well have similar thoughts and feelings about how, from where he stands, you're making all these mistakes and no effort to understand him and how your PTSD stands in the way and you don't work on it - not saying any of this is true, just saying that could well be what he perceives)

 

[Gs172003]

I hope I, too, am not out of line. Totally feel free to ignore me, but after following along for quite a while now and reading through your posts from just today, two comments .

"eye for an eye" (aka, let him taste his own medicine) hardly ever works.

I feel there is a lot of projection. You constantly describe what you think he's thinking or not thinking or reasons for what he is or isn't doing on pretty much everything. I'm not sure that's fair to him.

I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time, but I'm with @somerandomguy . Focus on you and your self-care and not HIS mistakes for a little bit. (Because, frankly, he might just as well have similar thoughts and feelings about how, from where he stands, you're making all these mistakes and no effort to understand him and how your PTSD stands in the way and you don't work on it - not saying any of this is true, just saying that could well be what he perceives)

I have to agree. You have said absolutely nothing positive about him. But he is also somebody that is dealing with someone with a disorder who admits they treat their husband poorly. Yet that same person expects him to be receptive to giving them emotional closeness. I don't think that is fair.

 

[HealingMama]

I hope I, too, am not out of line. Totally feel free to ignore me, but after following along for quite a while now and reading through your posts from just today, two comments .

"eye for an eye" (aka, let him taste his own medicine) hardly ever works.

I feel there is a lot of projection. You constantly describe what you think he's thinking or not thinking or reasons for what he is or isn't doing on pretty much everything. I'm not sure that's fair to him.

I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time, but I'm with @somerandomguy . Focus on you and your self-care and not HIS mistakes for a little bit. (Because, frankly, he might just as well have similar thoughts and feelings about how, from where he stands, you're making all these mistakes and no effort to understand him and how your PTSD stands in the way and you don't work on it - not saying any of this is true, just saying that could well be what he perceives)

Not out of line at all. I welcome alternative ways of viewing the issues.

I have never been a "taste of your own medicine" kind of person. It was hard to do that. But I am getting desperate because the methods that should work to achieve some movement or feeling heard aren't working.

I am trying very hard to focus on myself but his presence in my house at all is just a reminder of all the painful experiences. If he were more financially self sufficient it would be easier to do what the two of you say. But how can I take care of this person practically, financially, structurally and not get anything that I need back? It would be one thing if it were temporary but for months and years... I just can't. I need my own needs met that he has the capacity to meet or partially neet and if he's not interested in that then I need someone else to pay his way in life. I think that probably sounds cruel or heartless but I have given and given and think what i expect is not particularly unreasonable. I want some respect, some appreciation, and some equitable sense of responsibility.

When he gets a better job i will do what you're suggesting but honestly if I try ti do that now my resentment will just keep eating me alive.

 

[HealingMama]

I have to agree. You have said absolutely nothing positive about him. But he is also somebody that is dealing with someone with a disorder who admits they treat their husband poorly. Yet that same person expects him to be receptive to giving them emotional closeness. I don't think that is fair.

That's fair. Meaning you have a good point. I know that closeness isn't fair to expect. But how will anything ever improve he won't even muster civility and respect?

 

[Gs172003]

That's fair. Meaning you have a good point. I know that closeness isn't fair to expect. But how will anything ever improve he won't even muster civility and respect?

Hurt people hurt people ( I know that's cliche but...)

It's not your job to fix him. It is entirely possible to fix a marriage from your side. It's also possible to change your way of seeing things. But you can't fix him.

 

[HealingMama]

Hurt people hurt people ( I know that's cliche but...)

It's not your job to fix him. It is entirely possible to fix a marriage from your side. It's also possible to change your way of seeing things. But you can't fix him.

Very good points again. I don't know how I could possibly fix this particular marriage all by myself but you're right that I can't fix him.

 

[Jade-]

I've still been reading here @HealingMama . I am really grateful that you are keeping this diary and I can follow along and see how things play out. It's really helping me in my own situation.

My needs are things like put your phone down and look at me when I'm talking to you, don't call me names or storm out mid conversation, use active listening, and if you have a positive thought about me or notice that I did something that helped you tell me about

Are these really the main problems in your marriage? If these things changed do you think your marriage would be turned around?

Does he have a list for you? Are there things he thinks need to change too?

If he decides to go along with this and does tell you any positive thoughts he has aabout you will you feel like he's being sincere or just telling you because you're demanding he does?

 

[HealingMama]

I've still been reading here @HealingMama . I am really grateful that you are keeping this diary and I can follow along and see how things play out. It's really helping me in my own situation.

Are these really the main problems in your marriage? If these things changed do you think your marriage would be turned around?

Does he have a list for you? Are there things he thinks need to change too?

If he decides to go along with this and does tell you any positive thoughts he has aabout you will you feel like he's being sincere or just telling you because you're demanding he does?

There are many problems but if my emotional needs are met I can tolerate the others.

His list is to stop fighting so much and listen better. He also wants me to not see bad in everything he does, to see his good intentions and things he does right, to not assume the worst.

I don't know the answer to your last question. My hope is that if he thinks more positive thoughts about me he will actually help shift the negative pattern on his side as his avoidant attachment means he thinks badly about me when we aren't getting along "I'm ok but you're not ok" stance. My hope is also that he has these positive thoughts but forgets to share them so the goal is to just remember to show this to me more.

He is trying to communicate better. He told me this morning that he was sorry he didn't get up before I had to go to work, that he intended to set an alarm and visit with me. So he was trying to show me an effort and desire to find time to talk together. He's been kinder in the communications we have had, more responsive. It doesn't feel insincere. I don't think he would be trying if he didn't want to. But I could be wrong.

I included him in my email to the couple's counselor where I said I'm on my last legs and will try therapy one more time before divorcing. I think like many men he "hears me better" when I'm talking to a third party and he can see or hear what I am saying. It is like it is more real. So maybe that is why he is trying to change. I don't know.

All I know is I cannot make it until we could meet with that counselor if these things do not change, and I am okay with ending the relationship if he doesn't believe these changes are worth making.

You are welcome glad I have a place to dump my obsessiveness so that I can live my life a little more normally otherwise. ?

 

[HealingMama]

Officially canceled with my EMDR hypnotherapy person yesterday. I have someone I'm working with on general coping. As others have said that seems to actually have more value for me right now.

I did end up getting the second hand table yesterday. I was hoping to use it as a desk in my home office but it's a little bit too tall, so it is going to hold the tv. We currently have a vintage sewing table holding the tv. We don't have much money but I want to enjoy looking around the common areas of my home and my living room will be aesthetically much more pleasing so I consider this to be self-care ?