Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

I came home and expected to have an empty house but he was already here so I sat in the car and cried a really long time. I got out and walked to get the mail. I saw him by my car as I was coming back. He was acting concerned/confused/frantic since my car was there and I wasn't then as I approached as soon as he saw me he stopped acting concerned and pretended he was just trying to get stuff out of the car.

SO STOP PRETENDING YOU AREN'T ATTACHED THEN. IF YOU CARE ACT LIKE IT MAYBE EVEN BE A LITTLE STUPID FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

He said hey as I got home but he was a jerk on the phone before I got here. You can't just play magical reboot. The last way you talk to me is burned into my brain.

Every time I have to be around him I start crying again so I'm hiding because I don't want to be this upset around my kid.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

@HealingMama i just wanted to say thank you. I started reading your diary a few weeks ago and the way you are able to vent and express yourself has helped me to know it IS allowed. To be vulnerable and to share can be so difficult.
Thanks.

 

[Sideways]

Do you have some time in the next couple of weeks where you can arrange some time out for just you? I don’t know if that’s workable, but it sounds a lot like you could really do with some “me” time...?

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug: :hug:
(Some people don't like hugs in their diaries. Let me know and I'll cut it out.)

 

[HealingMama]

Do you have some time in the next couple of weeks where you can arrange some time out for just you? I don’t know if that’s workable, but it sounds a lot like you could really do with some “me” time...?

Yeah, I have this Saturday to myself because I have to get some iv drugs all day at the hospital. Then next weekend I have a proper getaway by myself.

@HealingMama i just wanted to say thank you. I started reading your diary a few weeks ago and the way you are able to vent and express yourself has helped me to know it IS allowed. To be vulnerable and to share can be so difficult.
Thanks.

You're very welcome. Yes sharing is hard. Thankful they try to provide a space for it here.

 

[HealingMama]

:hug::hug:
(Some people don't like hugs in their diaries. Let me know and I'll cut it out.)

Hugs from well meaning people are fine with me. Thanks for checking.

 

[Sideways]

Yeah, I have this Saturday to myself because I have to get some iv drugs all day at the hospital. Then next weekend I have a proper getaway by myself.

Spending time in hospital with an IV probably wouldn’t count as quality “me” time for me personally! But the following weekend, maybe indulge a bit in yourself, even some things you can plan to look forward to.

Sometimes relationships just reach that point where you just need time away from them because it’s reached that point, you know? It’s not an issue with you, it’s something a think we all experience at times. Come back with your stress cup emptied out a bit.

Be gentle on yourself in the meantime.

 

[Deanna]

Hey Healing Mama! Glad you are getting some time off, just for u! ?

 

[HealingMama]

I took a shower to try to calm down. Crying inconsolably again. It occurs to me that I understand why people cut. I mean I understood already through cognitive empathy but tonight I really get it. I think slicing my arm with a razor would help me calm down. I'm not suicidal and don't plan on cutting myself just saying I thought about non-suicidal self injury and I totally get it. I had to fight the urge to hit my head on the shower wall. I'm way too upset.

This is probably a time when Xanax makes sense but I feel like I am admitting defeat when I take it like my baggage is winning.

This shit right here is why I don't let anyone get close to me. I cannot stand feeling like this.

 

[HealingMama]

Spending time in hospital with an IV probably wouldn’t count as quality “me” time for me personally! But the following weekend, maybe indulge a bit in yourself, even some things you can plan to look forward to.

Sometimes relationships just reach that point where you just need time away from them because it’s reached that point, you know? It’s not an issue with you, it’s something a think we all experience at times. Come back with your stress cup emptied out a bit.

Be gentle on yourself in the meantime.

Good advice. Problem for me is my ability to bond with him (and thus with anyone) breaks even more every time I just give up and wander away. My trauma wins and beats me down even more. I need a partner that is willing to love me through these attachment problems and turns toward me instead of turning away. Or I need no partner at all.

 

[HealingMama]

Hey Healing Mama! Glad you are getting some time off, just for u! ?

Thanks Deanna. Me too. I very much needed it even before this crap happened.

 

[HealingMama]

We made up. He asked can we just go back to loving each other. His perception is that he tries to fix problems and I won't let him. He tries to calm me down and show love and I won't accept it.

I told him something has to change because the way he's handling these issues now is making me want to hurt myself and that's not fair to the kid and that even if we love each other I cannot stay with him if the relationship keeps doing that to me.

I don't know how to get my logical mind to talk to my limbic system when my amygdala is running the show. I don't know how to let him help if I feel like the problem is that he won't help.

The therapy I'm doing right now really can't help with attachment problems. I have an appointment with a new therapist later next month that I was going to cancel but I think I'll keep it and compare that with the current therapy setup and see which one looks like it will help me more.

I don't think we could have made up if I hadn't had the Xanax. I feel like a failure for needing it.