Ashamed of Angry Texting

[blackemerald1]

Your T is the ideal person to work with you on this. I feel like you were right on the verge of breaking through something that was very important for you and unfortunately you did a U turn. How unfortunate for you. I'm hoping you will go to your next appointment and tell her about all of this rage you have.

Your feelings are not likely to abate by waiting longer. I agree with @Sideways. You are catastrophizing your reaction. Getting angry, screaming at your T, breaking property wow... if you were sent to the psych ward for that.. I'd not be surprised.

This was your opportunity to take the power out of this shame you feel. But hey, it's your life and you still have plenty of opportunities to address it.

What happens next time you get to this immense shame etc., Do you lose the plot again? Not good is it?

If you are so frightened of how you might react perhaps work on anger and shame reaction first. Develop some kind of way to mitigate this tsunami response because I reckon you are afraid of it too.

We all have feelings of shame, remorse, humiliation at times. I mean the person who tells you they feel nothing is telling a lie or is dead? :oops:

It's highly likely that your T has heard far worse than what you have revealed to her. I'm sure if you'd asked her she could have told you that whilst she can understand what it's done to you... is normal, she however is not so concerned. This is probably because she's not as vulnerable, judgemental and idealistic as you attribute her to be.

Your T is there to help you but you've got to go when it really counts to get her help.

Best of luck.

 

[susannahsays]

You sound to me like you are really afraid.

Yes.

 

[Justmehere]

I really recognize you are very concerned you will rage at the therapist in a manner that is unsafe to her and will get you into legal trouble. That takes a lot of courage to recognize. It’s not grounds to give up entirely though, there is a way through this. The longer you avoid, the harder it will be, but the next few days might be a good chance to come up with a game plan.

You might be wondering why bother? Well, in the end, it’s not really about the therapist, but the trauma that you went in to face and bravely did face. That’s still there. Even if you never ever face this therapist again, that trauma and the symptoms are going to pop back up again. The more you push it all away, the more likely it is to come back with more gusto. It is a version of the numb-flood cycle. Avoidance feels like it’s pushing out the trigger but it actually tends to get stronger with avoidance.

You have a really strong fight or flight response right now. Your response would fit very well if facing a predator or bear. After I told my therapist about trauma once, omg... I was ready to end my existence to not ever been seen again. It’s hard to really face what PTSD says to run from. I understand you don’t want her looking at you, but I also know that it’s a fairly impossible request to meet, even if she tried. She still has to call you back into the room. She has eyeballs that work. She’ll see you. She’s being fair and respectful of you to say she can’t not look at you. By asking her to do the impossible... you were pushing her away (flight) already... and she’s trying to also talk to you in the most effective way to resolve a disagreement (which isn’t text.)

It’s really common for such symptom spikes to occur after disclosing such trauma. It means you did hard work, not that you or the therapy is failing.

What you feel in terms of the fight or flight response are a bunch of body sensations, feelings, and thoughts. They are just that. Not to minimize it all. They are miserable to experience no doubt, but they are not all that there is to the situation.

Right now, anything you can do to separate her from the predator you told her about the better you will feel even if you never go back. She may not be a super star therapist, but she’s not the enemy. I think you intellectually know that, as you do know the rage is undeserved.

The abuser is the enemy. The abuser is the one that should feel shame. The abuser and the trauma is the one that all this fight and flight is actually about.

When people in my life now have triggered fight or flight symptoms about past abuse, it has been most helpful to back up from overthinking the current day matter (I am a regular member of the over-thinkers club ;)) but instead do things to connect to it being the current year and day, and the trauma being over. Grounding has been especially helpful in this regard. Seeking out safe strong sensations has zapped me out of fight or flight and into the here and now. I’ve walked into therapy sessions on the edge of flashbacks holding ice (frozen water bottles are my go-to). It kept me able to do it without losing it, not because the therapist was stellar but because it kept me in the here and now. My brain didn’t jump to fight fight fight or run run run because there was this damn ice distracting me to right here right now.

When I have felt really desperate to slow down a trigger in a relationship, I have written do not send letters to past abusers and then wrote also lists for myself about what I could recognize in current relationships as being different from the past.

Another tool is imagining a safe space. This one always seemed weird to me until I did it a bunch out of sheer desperation. I made up a totally imaginary place. Thinking about it would help my nervous system downgrade from fight or flight. (Or freeze or fawn, two other survival responses common to those with PTSD.)

Four square breathing is a tool an ER doc taught me that he uses to manage his own triggers on the job. Breathe in for 4 counts, hold 4 counts, out 4 counts, and repeat 4 times. It biochemically triggers the parasympathetic nervous system to kick in and that counteracts the sympathetic nervous system that drives the fight or flight response.

There are piles of other tools to lean and begin using that can help cope with symptoms of fight or flight - like wanting to scream at a therapist. These types of tools are all part of a toolbox a good trauma therpaist would help you develop anyhow, and learning them now will not only help you with this trigger, but with the symptoms that brought you into therapy. This stuff works for a lot of types of PTSD symptoms.

There are a lot of skills like this that I do preemptively throughout my day. It lowers the level in my stress cup and when the trigger pops up, I have a more room to be able to deal with it without symptoms bursting through. Some days, symptoms still burst through and I have to pause, take a step back, reassess and re-approach. I only caution you don’t run completely from this otherwise it will get a lot harder to face. Instead, come up with a game plan, a tool box, to manage symptoms and get grounded.

Especially if you’re feeling scared right now, keep finding what’s going to help you be present with the here and now.

You don’t have anything to be ashamed about it all. You are in the battle to heal, and right now is a rough patch. It’s not time to quit yet. It’s time to build up your toolbox.

 

[ButterflyBean]

You sound to me like you are really afraid... Yes.

I strongly second everything @Justmehere said! Though I would like to add this question for you to think about: what are you afraid of? If you’re afraid that you will actually hurt your therapist, or destroy her office if she looks at you, can you at least tell her that? Even if you skip your next session to “regroup” as you say, you’re therapist should know that you are truly afraid; fear is often underneath the outward anger. Last, but certainly not least, I really admire, respect, support, and validate whatever decision you make and the self-awareness that comes with making such a difficult one! Your feelings and choices do matter!

 

[susannahsays]

I like the idea of bringing something cold I can hold. Maybe I will get some of those fake ice cubes you put in the freezer and bring a bunch in a little cooler. I might turn a frozen water bottle into a projectile - although that might be something I can do when I'm not worried about becoming enraged.

I'm not sure I agree with how everyone is saying that me skipping the appointment is making the feelings worse. That hasn't been my experience with feelings. They generally just stay constant or dissipate in the absence of fuel. If there is fuel in this situation outside of the appointment, I don't see it. I expect to be able to go to an appointment next week, hopefully Tuesday, even if I hate every minute of it. Not giving up, not making a u-turn, just being cautious.

 

[susannahsays]

In the waiting room. My appointment is in 14 minutes.

 

[susannahsays]

It went ok, I guess. The therapist made a doorknob announcement that she will be on vacation next week, and oops she thought she told me. That may have something to do with the post-session rage that I can feel coming on, but it's not the only thing. She said a couple other things that really pissed me off. I'm definitely blowing each one of them WAY out of proportion, though. I think.

 

[susannahsays]

I sent an angry text and I don't even feel any remorse. I am so angry right now. And it was truly an angry text this time.

 

[Sideways]

Have you done a DBT course? Seems to me that this is too overwhelming for you atm, and it may be worth thinking about stepping back for a while to improve skills and get some strategies to manage these emotions before moving ahead with therapy. Particularly if you’re hellbent on burning a bridge that could be incredibly helpful in the future...??

 

[susannahsays]

No, I haven't. I don't know if there are any near me. I'm also not sure if they would take me due to the stupid diagnosis I have.

 

[susannahsays]

She wouldn't cancel my appointment on Thursday and she said she thinks I misunderstood her! I didn't misunderstand her! She's obsessed with the idea that I liked being raped as a child!

 

[Justmehere]

Is the angry text accomplishing your goals? If it is an effective resolution then so be it. If it’s not, maybe it’s time to try something new?