Ashamed of Angry Texting

[susannahsays]

I don't know, every time she starts on one of her monologues about how I liked it and it felt good, it feels like such a throwback to the invalidation I felt when perpetrators would also ignore me when I said I didn't like something and tell me how I/my body felt. I get in such a triggered headspace that I shut down and don't say anything. I don't even feel angry. But then this last time she did it, I noticed I felt irritated and then I started getting angry when I left.

I am so damn angry. And I'm really angry she's putting this all on me misunderstanding her. I can't misunderstand her repeatedly talking about how even children can have pleasurable feelings from being sexually stimulated. I don't know why she keeps returning to that, as if she needs me to confirm to her that I did in fact enjoy what was happening. She said it was because she was trying to understand today why I was saying how it wasn't actually that bad. But this isn't the first time she has talked about that, so I don't buy it.

 

[susannahsays]

I asked her if she's trolling me but I don't think she knows what that means.

 

[Cypress]

Maybe she is trying to lessen the shame that you feel about your abuse by trying to normalize that the feelings and sensations that many abused children do indeed have.

I was a victim of CSA and also feel terribly ashamed by how my body responded to some of the things that were done to me. I also felt that if my body responded that way, I must have liked it and it couldn't have been that bad. I really needed help from my T to start to let go of that cognitive distortion.

I agree with @Sideways DBT might help you tolerate these powerful emotions. I did DBT in a workbook and online and it really helped.

 

[susannahsays]

Yes but I've said that it DID NOT feel good and it's really upsetting because it feels like what I say doesn't matter! My feelings don't matter! My perception doesn't matter! I hate feeling like I'm supposed to agree with somebody about it feeling good when it didn't, all over again, yet again!

I get mentioning it once, but think about it from the perspective of somebody whose body did not respond in that way. The abuse I experienced was actually often extremely painful. At best, it was uncomfortable. But it never felt enjoyable - although I was told I enjoyed it and, since I was involved in child pornography, expected to act like I enjoyed it once I became a bit more used to what was going to happen. Well, if it was the kind of movie they even cared if I acted like I liked it. Point is, I did not experience that, have been instructed in the past about what my body feels, and it feels horrible to feel like the therapist doesn't believe me or hear me.

 

[Cypress]

Well I am sorry that I misunderstood. I was also involved in child pornography and I completely understand what it is to be forced to act like you enjoyed it on camera when you were actually terrified.

She said it was because she was trying to understand today why I was saying how it wasn't actually that bad

Why do you think it wasn't actually that bad? Because you know what - it was that bad. Every second of it was that bad.

 

[Ronin]

She said it was because she was trying to understand today why I was saying how it wasn't actually that bad.

Reads to me she's saying the opposite of what you are angry with her about, now, if that was her line.

She is trying to understand your mixed feelings, or the way you phrase some things.

I.e. she is trying to get your actual feelings over the matter.
Not minimizing them. Validating them.

I asked her if she's trolling me

By the definition of trolling not caring and to get emotional rise out of someone?
Yeah, I very much doubt she is trolling you.

If she went for that reaction, she would be glee & satisfied you are so upset now.
She isn't.
She thinks you misunderstood her, and is trying to straighten it out.
While trying to not upset you any further.

 

[Justmehere]

For what it’s worth, I hear you. The pain of sexual abuse is a pretty big thing to be misunderstood about. That would upset me too, especially when you’ve been telling her it didn’t feel good. Seems a little strange she is going where she is going.

I get that you are saying it hurt, you didn’t get those pleasurable feelings from the abuse, and that she’s missing the boat on that entirely on that. That stinks! She tried to explain she went there to try to suggest that’s one way people figure “it wasn’t that bad” when it’s still that bad... and when you told her it wasn’t that bad.... maybe she probably figured you meant the physical pain?

Pointing out that some kids do respond with feelings of pleasure to that body stimulation isn’t saying they liked the abuse. Two VERY different things. Those feelings do not mean abuse was enjoyed. That could be what she is getting in about... But I get your point that this doesn’t even apply to your situation.

So there is a miscommunication, and it’s about a really important topic that you are seeking validation about. You are minimizing it by your words... but your anger shows this is was horrible abuse. Maybe try owning it more that it was that bad?

If she is a truly a terrible therapist, you’ll know that better. There are some out there that just don’t get it. I’ve bumped into that.

I think the biggest thing is that miscommunication or horrible therapist, the angry texting doesn’t seem to be helping you get where you want to go and there might be some other approaches to try. When people hear someone express something wirh a lot of deregulated anger they tend to shit down and just hear the anger and not the content. A good trauma therapist should be able to help someone ground and regulate and sort this out, and you have a lot of good courage to keep facing this really awful triggery matter.

 

[susannahsays]

I've calmed down a bit. Still upset though because it honestly hurts me deeply to have my experience so fundamentally misunderstood in this specific way. I hate admitting that. I hate caring. I hate that I am vulnerable and I hate that I've given her the power to hurt me by sharing things with her.

I don't know how much I've pushed back when she's started talking about how I liked different things. I know I told her I didn't like several things and I told her specifically when relating what I have that I was in pain. But I'm not sure if I've been clear or if I've ever even said that no, there were never any pleasurable sensations in my body or that I didn't like to receive the "special attention" or gifts I received (which we haven't discussed, but the only gifts I got were associated with being hurt and therefore tainted even when they weren't sex themed). I know that today when she started talking about all that stuff yet again I just felt hopeless and worthless and couldn't interrupt or say anything. I don't remember how I've reacted the other times. Maybe I did the same thing. I vaguely remember feeling kind of hurt because it felt like she must not remember what I had said or must not believe me or must be disregarding it for some reason. But yeah, it's possible I've said no I didn't like it when I talk about it, but then when she offers other possibilities, I get so triggered that from her perspective, it seems ambiguous.

I somewhat regret texting her but to be perfectly honest it is only because I am worried about the consequences and being punished for expressing my anger over text. I know she doesn't like when I do that. However, if she made a boundary about texting, I would either leave an angry voicemail on her office phone or just cancel through the receptionist. I kind of feel like requiring me to come to a session in order to express dissatisfaction with something is coercive. No other type of professional would operate like that, requiring that you attend an appointment to express displeasure. I suppose in therapy some matters causing issues can take time to discuss and may occur frequently with some types of clients, but to be discouraged or barred from even voicing a complaint doesn't sit right with me. Only therapists feel entitled to infringe on client autonomy in this matter.

If she had a business email I could have contacted her through, I would have done that rather than texting her, but she doesn't do email as far as I know and I have no address for her.

Feel bad. Wish I could close the door on all of this. To make things worse, I accidentally texted her again when I meant to text the guy I'm sleeping with. She really disapproves of the relationship and I feel bad for putting it in her face that I was going over to see him. Just another reason to cancel Thursday. I don't want to hear another lecture about him.

 

[susannahsays]

Oh no she texted me to ask if I still want to cancel and I don't know what to do!

 

[Justmehere]

It’s ok to change your mind and go, it’s ok to cancel. It’s a crappy situation to be sure, and you have a lot of freedom about what you do next to respond to it. It seems like from your other posts you are feeling a little powerless, and like she is one upping you, I respectfully want to challenge you on that. You can’t change her and this whole thing is clearly painful and triggering, but don’t lose sight over the fact that you do have a voice. You do have power.

Many therapists don’t allow texts except for scheduling. It’s not about trying to shut you down or be high and mighty, it’s about keeping the therapeutic relationship from going wonky on a platform where tone and body language and many important parts of communication can’t go through. Many therapeutic relationships break down because of communications on text. It’s not about blocking a grievance. You could call the receptionist and get an address to mail grievance for her to review like many other businesses.

Right now though, she’s still the therapist you hired and there are other professions that would require conflict resolution with current active clients happen within certain boundaries.

Sounds like she is willing to continue and also going to respect your decision if you choose to not go in. In the middle of feeling like she’s a power tripping trolling invalidating authority figure it might help to hang on to the moments she does hear you. Some therapeutic conflicts are worth working through, some are not. I don’t know what I would do if I was in your shoes, as there are valid reasons to go and not go.

Some questions to consider:
What’s holding you back from being more direct in sessions? Will going or not going help more to work through what holds you back? What decision do you think will help you get further towards your goals? If you don’t go, what will your next steps be to work on the goals that brought you into therapy with her in the first place? If you do go, would writing a letter to her for her to read or for you to read to her help more than the angry texting between sessions? Are there other tools you can bring or asked her for in session that might help the session be more effective in being heard?

 

[susannahsays]

I'm going.

My point about voicing grievances is that she doesn't want me to voice them except in session - so that would include sending a letter. That is why I said it feels coercive. I am not aware of any other profession that demands that all communications be face to face, let alone a one way communication to express displeasure.

I am a pretty direct person. I am definitely not scared of telling her I am angry at her to her face. I have done so many times. The issue here is that I did not become angry until I left.

 

[Sideways]

Coercive would be forcing you to attend appointments. She hasn’t done that. To the contrary, you cancelled your appointment before this one. So, you remain in control.

If you lodged a written complaint about her with her boss, is there some reason you think that wouldn’t be taken seriously?

What she’s doing here? Is pretty standard with Ts, and from the outside looking in? Entirely appropriate.

You’re using the text message communications inappropriately. You’re using them to manage your emotion between appointments, and say (by the sound of it) some pretty aggressive things. Which, therapist or not? She actually doesn’t have to put up with. Her Choosing not to engage with that? Is not only therapeutically appropriate (and let’s face it, she gets paid for her time during the appointment, not time spent trying to communicate with you between sessions by text), but from a sheer self-preservation perspective, entirely predictable. She is, after all, still human.

Text message is an absolutely terrible way to communicate. Something like 80% of our communication when humans interact with each other is non-verbal. So, talking it through face to face is not only the only medium she’s getting paid for, it’s the best opportunity she has to actually try and work through the issues with you.

Apart from not getting paid to interact with you via text, it doesn’t sound like you’re using that method of communication at all reasonably. Bringing the issues back to where they belong? In therapy? Encouraging you to face them? All sounds pretty standard professional practice to me.

This is hard stuff. You feel like she doesn’t understand. You feel invalidated. That’s stuff that we work through, very slowly, in therapy.

Ptsd, and the fact that she is your T? Actually doesn’t give you a free pass to harass her outside appointment times via text. Ptsd is often the reason why our anger gets out of control. But it isn’t ever an excuse for unacceptable behaviour, like verbally abusing someone via text if that’s what’s going on.

The thinking here is incredibly distorted. She isn’t trolling you, she’s trying help you heal. She’s not coercing you, she’s encouraging you to engage with the therapy process, rather than avoid it by pushing her away through aggressive texts.