General How to control your emotions when your vet can’t control his

[SLC]

Hello Everyone,

I hope you’re having a lovely day!

I just wanted to ask for advice on how you control your emotions when your Ptsd suffers are pushing your buttons.
I was such a placid relaxed tolerant person until I’ve ended up living with my ptsd ‘friend’ temporarily, we got along so well before and now every day there seems to be conflict and I’m exhausted.

I hold my tongue and take everything on the chin for as long as possible and try to retaliate only with soft words and try to make him understand that he’s making me feel a certain way. It’s as if he can see me getting more boiled up inside and continues to press my buttons until I explode. Tonight I actually screamed at him and I’ve NEVER done that before, he stormed upstairs and we’ve since made up and he’s had a cry saying he can’t control his emotions.
Just any advice on what I can do in those situations, I’ve tried going out for a walk but he doesn’t like me going anywhere in the dark in case something happens to me.
x

 

[Freida]

From the sufferer perspective?
PTSD does not give us the right to make our loved ones our personal pinatas.
If he can't control his emotions that's on him - not you.

My supporters try not to respond when I'm being unreasonable and if I'm really bad they just refuse to engage with me. It makes me really cranky because it's tough to fight with someone who won't play along! :laugh: They will hang up the phone, walk out the door, whatever it takes to ignore me. Picture how you would deal with a three year old throwing a temper tantrum and I think it takes the pressure off of them to try to "fix" whatever crisis I'm having.

But. At the end of the day it's my responsibility to learn how to cope with my emotions - not theirs to take the brunt of them.

Ive learned a lot from the supporters here about the importance of setting boundaries and holding to them. Maybe it would be helpful for you to do some counseling on how to respond when he gets like this so you don't have to bottle it all up? It's not fair that you are exhausted having to navigate all his crap.

 

[grit]

First if you do not have therapist, get one. Second, honestly if you are in a abusive relationship, it is so cliche but leave him/her.
however, I feel you are not in a abusive relationship at least what you post in this one post.

You may want to read or learn how to separate yourself from their self.

I hold my tongue and take everything on the chin for as long as possible and try to retaliate only with soft words and try to make him understand that he’s making me feel a certain way. It’s as if he can see me getting more boiled up inside and continues to press my buttons until I explode.

To break down this quote: it is all about your own coping and reactions and of course he is a trigger on you.
I hold my tongue and take everything on the chin for as long as possible - this is not healthy coping. Holding is good but if you are not meaningfully processing, it just becomes a lump in your throat or worse.

and try to retaliate only with soft words - This is actually dangerous way of relating. Retaliation is form aggression and whether or not you use soft or hard words, the impact is exactly the same.

make him understand that he’s making me feel a certain way - this is loss of self power or autonomy on your part. also remember if you are on conscious how people are making you feel certain way, you are also making them feel certain way. it is always two way street. You are only acknowledging how he makes you feel but you are not aware of fully how you actually make him feel too.
Could be wrong but "It’s as if he can see me getting more boiled up inside and continues to press my buttons until I explode" this has absolutely nothing to do with him at all and it is your past attachment or relating or memories from your childhood. He cannot see your mind neither can you see his but you are convinced he can operate in your head and make you do explosion.

I am only breaking these down for you and honestly, you are actually very well on the cusp of great self awareness if you are writing these things down but you are not focused on you healthy way.

You can take all these phrases and ask yourself how can I change to make my life and my relationship better? You can just hold each of these feeling or thought and see where it lands on your body so you know next time and can say ooh yeah I am feeling of retaliating but I will hold, lengthen the gap of the feeling and acting on it. or you can get a therapist to help you learn how to do these things.

You can even say Hey steve/jane your words and actions are really hurtful right now and I feel like reacting to you in aggressive way but I am choosing not to. That may not stop him exactly but it stops your feelings getting better of you and you acting like him or her and I can almost see if you do that few times, you will notice so much peace in you and your body and will clearly see him in his own reactive body and be better reacting to him or safely avoid him rightfully so.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Me personally? I walk away when mine gets like that. If he wants to be a dick, he can be a dick in an empty room. I will not stand there and listen to abuse, I do not engage, and I do not argue. I leave, and he doesn’t get a say in whether I leave or not.

If he doesn’t like you leaving in the dark then he needs to learn not to be an ass.

Boundaries... this boundary is “I will not tolerate being spoken to like this. If he yells, lashes out verbally, or calls me names (etc), I will leave the situation. Every single time.”

He’ll either learn to respect your boundary or not. Either way it’s your boundary, and it’s controlling your behavior, and he has zero say or input.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm with @Sweetpea76, I leave the room, house, restaurant.... Thankfully J is learning that HE can walk away as easily as I can. Recently I've noticed when he's getting stressed out he's been leaving the room... Yay!! Woop woop. Yippee!! ?

In the beginning of our relationship I had no idea what to do. And I always got sucked into the craziness of it all. Round and round we'd go. It never mattered what I said or didn't say it was always wrong (in his PTSD brain) and only made things worse.

Now, I let him have his meltdowns all on his own. When he's calm then we can talk about what's bothering him. This took us years to figure out and I'd still be on the crazy train if it wasn't for this forum.

J doesn't like me to leave the house when he's feeling bad either. He needs to know I'm safe. So leaving the room works best.

Good luck!

 

[SLC]

Thank you thank you thank you all!
When I don’t retaliate and I just shut down and ignore him it makes it worse, he will come over and ask why I’m in a mood and if I say I’m not he pushes and pushes.

I think it’s safe to say I just need to abandon ship when he’s like that and if he asks why then it’s a straight ‘I won’t be around you when you speak to me like that’. In those situations until he’s calmed down he’s never ‘wrong’ apparently I don’t like the truth *sigh.

I need to get into the habit of completely shutting that situation down until he’s calmed down.

All great advice and as I’m feeling tired en route home I pray for a quiet evening :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Shut it down. Tell him why. Do not engage. Leave the room, and if he cannot respect that, leave the house.

He is not in control of you or the situation... you are.

 

[Sighs]

Someone wrote on this site that if your jaw clenches and your stomach turns each evening as you head home then maybe you should think about leaving. I’m so glad I left!