Nighttime/bedtime hypervigilence

[HealingMama]

What are your favorite solutions for hypervigilence at night? Basically if there's any "loose ends" in the schedule, it is very hard for me to fall asleep. If I don't know where my partner is planning to sleep, when he's planning to come to bed if we are sharing a bed that night, if he's out and I don't know when he will be home, it's just about impossible to mentally shut myself off. Because I won't know when the potential to be disrupted/awakened is going to happen so that I can be prepared for it.

I take OTC sleep support (vitamin/mineral supplement), use white noise, weighted blanket, try to have a soothing bedtime routine, but these particular environmental factors continue to frustrate me.

Because I'm a light sleeper, and because my husband is so unstructured and chaotic, it feeds whatever this is about. If we didn't share a home I could sleep like a baby but the fact of not knowing when he's going to be around, where he's going to be, if he's likely to wake me up, is all very stressful.

 

[BrownLea12]

What are your favorite solutions for hypervigilence at night? Basically if there's any "loose ends" in the schedule, it is very hard for me to fall asleep. If I don't know where my partner is planning to sleep, when he's planning to come to bed if we are sharing a bed that night, if he's out and I don't know when he will be home, it's just about impossible to mentally shut myself off. Because I won't know when the potential to be disrupted/awakened is going to happen so that I can be prepared for it.

I take OTC sleep support (vitamin/mineral supplement), use white noise, weighted blanket, try to have a soothing bedtime routine, but these particular environmental factors continue to frustrate me.

Because I'm a light sleeper, and because my husband is so unstructured and chaotic, it feeds whatever this is about. If we didn't share a home I could sleep like a baby but the fact of not knowing when he's going to be around, where he's going to be, if he's likely to wake me up, is all very stressful.

I’m sorry that’s happening. I wonder if it’s specifically the being out of control of the situation or of being woken from sleep is a trigger for you? Is it possible to tell him that you have a hard time sleeping and to ask him what his plans are for settling that night? Maybe you can reassure yourself better and settle easier if you know the plan? Good luck!

 

[HealingMama]

I’m sorry that’s happening. I wonder if it’s specifically the being out of control of the situation or of being woken from sleep is a trigger for you? Is it possible to tell him that you have a hard time sleeping and to ask him what his plans are for settling that night? Maybe you can reassure yourself better and settle easier if you know the plan? Good luck!

Thank you. It's probably about not having control. I agree having a plan ought to make it a bit easier. Good suggestion.

 

[Deanna]

Thank you. It's probably about not having control. I agree having a plan ought to make it a bit easier. Good suggestion.

Could you make a bed somewhere else for when he comes in late? It will be hard to turn your brain off at first then you'll get use to it. Boyfriend and I don't share a bed. He goes to bed real early. 6 ish. Works for us. But then again, we are both PTSD.

 

[HealingMama]

Could you make a bed somewhere else for when he comes in late? It will be hard to turn your brain off at first then you'll get use to it. Boyfriend and I don't share a bed. He goes to bed real early. 6 ish. Works for us. But then again, we are both PTSD.

He's got a separate bed, and that helps some. It's when we are trying to share a bed or might be that it becomes harder on me. Sometimes doesn't matter where he is planning to sleep. Separate beds works pretty well, but causes other aspects of the relationship to suffer.

 

[Tinyflame]

Perhaps the trouble is falling back asleep when he gets to bed?

Just out of curiosity, you said your H has ADD, but have you been tested? Because it's possible to have both (ptsd and add/ adhd), and add comes with plenty of difficulties getting to sleep or staying there. And many people have different ways of managing- unstructured for one, controlling for another. How did you find it throughout your life/ before your marriage +/ or before the ptsd, if applicable? Is your mind not slowing down? I find if I can stop (any) thoughts for even about 1 minute I will fall asleep.

Just a thought, disregard if not helpful. There's usually a place to meet in the middle, especially if you are trying to be respectful and loving to one another, though it is a choice and may require a paradigm shift of sorts. Because being woken up by your H when he gets in bed, should/ could actually be a happy moment in so far as seeing him. And if you've already been able to fall asleep, it might not be hypervigilance. And his presence could potentially decrease your hypervigilance.

One good tip I found, when you can't sleep, stand up in the dark for 2 minutes beside your bed, doing nothing. It can trick the brain in to thinking of the bed as much more comfortable than standing there.

Good luck.

 

[HealingMama]

Perhaps the trouble is falling back asleep when he gets to bed?

Just out of curiosity, you said your H has ADD, but have you been tested? Because it's possible to have both (ptsd and add/ adhd), and add comes with plenty of difficulties getting to sleep or staying there. And many people have different ways of managing- unstructured for one, controlling for another. How did you find it throughout your life/ before your marriage +/ or before the ptsd, if applicable? Is your mind not slowing down? I find if I can stop (any) thoughts for even about 1 minute I will fall asleep.

Just a thought, disregard if not helpful. There's usually a place to meet in the middle, especially if you are trying to be respectful and loving to one another, though it is a choice and may require a paradigm shift of sorts. Because being woken up by your H when he gets in bed, should/ could actually be a happy moment in so far as seeing him. And if you've already been able to fall asleep, it might not be hypervigilance. And his presence could potentially decrease your hypervigilance.

One good tip I found, when you can't sleep, stand up in the dark for 2 minutes beside your bed, doing nothing. It can trick the brain in to thinking of the bed as much more comfortable than standing there.

Good luck.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. I was on meds during college but function adequately without meds otherwise.

Sometimes it is my mind but usually it is my body. My husband woke up early this morning and I guess he checked the time on his phone, because when he put it back on the nightstand it fell to the floor, jolted me awake, and my body was in fight or flight mode. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. I used to have initial insomnia then slept fine as a young professional. Having a kid made me sleep more lightly. I think it's the hormones for breastfeeding they make you sleep less soundly so you can save your baby from a bear attack or something.

I am not sure how to see his presence as decreasing my hypervigilence. He doesn't sleep between me and the door and leaves the house unlocked fairly often so I don't really get a protector vibe from him. Just unpredictability. I am open to changing my thinking but the evidence doesn't really support "he's helping me be safe" in this context so much as "he's helping me have a bad day tomorrow".

This morning I did use self talk that it isn't his fault he woke me up, he has a right to a comfy bed, he can't help it, etc so at least I talked myself out of anger.


Thank you for the tip to stand. I notice that I feel more sleepy when I get up in the middle of the night.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's the hormones for breastfeeding they make you sleep less soundly so you can save your baby from a bear attack or something.

I think so, and awareness. We train ourselves. For years after I woke up every 2 hours because for years I had to.

. I am open to changing my thinking but the evidence doesn't really support "he's helping me be safe" in this context so much as "he's helping me have a bad day tomorrow".

That is difficult but a choice in mindset. Begun by thankfulness for him and equal respect, I believe. And, well, more bodies on the same side is support. You began as each other's best friend/ lover etc -what-have-you, you need to get back there.

:hug:

 

[HealingMama]

I think so, and awareness. We train ourselves. For years after I woke up every 2 hours because for years I had to.

That is difficult but a choice in mindset. Begun by thankfulness for him and equal respect, I believe. And, well, more bodies on the same side is support. You began as each other's best friend/ lover etc -what-have-you, you need to get back there.

:hug:

Good advice thank you ?