Unsure about new therapist

[Vero]

As a little background, I never had a therapist before but I finally decided that I should get help for my issues because I have a lot of them and at times it gets overwhelming....I started out really excited and made an appointment, but I just came back from my second session and I'm really struggling to decide if I should stick to her or find someone else.

On a positive side, I like her a lot as a person and feel very comfortable talking to her, I feel like I could tell her anything. On the first session I really opened up and shared about my past and current issues. She is a good listener and shows empathy. However, I have some red flags: first of all, and maybe this sounds silly, but she smokes during our sessions. She asked me if I'm okay with it and I said yes because the smoke doesn't bother me but during the conversation I sometimes had the feeling we were just chatting and not being in a professional setting. She also never takes notes and today she forgot my name and other details about my life and asked me some questions I answered to on the previous session because she couldn't remember if she asked me those questions before or not. Part of me wondered if there was a point in sharing something with her or if she will forget it by next week. She wanted me to identify which goals I want to achieve in my life and through therapy and I mentioned some of them, but I don't know if she can help me or not. For example, it came out that I struggle with my self esteem and she started complimenting me, I appreciated it but it also made me a little uncomfortable, I don't think it works like this...I'm very much of a planner and it feels like this isn't going anywhere....I don't know, maybe this is how therapy is done and I should keep going, but I don't feel like paying for this.

I didn't booked the next appointment, I told her I would call her but I have strong doubts about it. I don't want to lose my time if it's not helpful but maybe I should be patient and persevere, I guess I'm looking for thoughts/opinions on what it would be best to do...

 

[somerandomguy]

today she forgot my name

she couldn't remember if she asked me those questions before or not

Oh dear god. That's just disrespectful to you as a client. As a person.

Even if she's a qualified trauma therapist, not everyone clicks with everyone. Some therapists will actually make you worse. The ones who I never felt any respect from are the ones that I'm still angry at today. Unless there's a compelling reason to keep trying - like she's the only person your insurance will pay for - it might be worth making a change. There are others who you'll feel comfortable with AND give you the respect you deserve.

 

[Vero]

Oh dear god. That's just disrespectful to you as a client. As a person.

Even if she's a qualified trauma therapist, not everyone clicks with everyone. Some therapists will actually make you worse. The ones who I never felt any respect from are the ones that I'm still angry at today. Unless there's a compelling reason to keep trying - like she's the only person your insurance will pay for - it might be worth making a change. There are others who you'll feel comfortable with AND give you the respect you deserve.

She is not a trauma therapist, but on her website she mentioned that she can treat people who have suffered from traumatic events among all the other issues like anxiety, depression, etc.

 

[somerandomguy]

Not everyone who says they can treat trauma is telling the truth. Or maybe they can treat trauma, but they can't treat your trauma.

 

[Missycat]

If you are having doubts then maybe you should follow your gut feel. It should be expected that the therapist be ‘nice’ and be able to show empathy (altho that may not suit everyone) . Its poor that she forgot your name and asked again a few of the questions, she may make notes after your session ends rather than through it, i know someone who does that - i find it difficult to understand how they would remember everything!
If you have an option to look for someone else then maybe have a go. I remember meeting my first T and within a few minutes i remember thinking ‘not in a million years am i working with you love’ - whilst i was pleasantly smiling at her. I then met my current T and it just felt right - i felt comfortable and safe.
I wish you all the best

 

[TruthSeeker]

As a little background, I never had a therapist before but I finally decided that I should get help for my issues because I have a lot of them and at times it gets overwhelming....I started out really excited and made an appointment, but I just came back from my second session and I'm really struggling to decide if I should stick to her or find someone else.

On a positive side, I like her a lot as a person and feel very comfortable talking to her, I feel like I could tell her anything. On the first session I really opened up and shared about my past and current issues. She is a good listener and shows empathy. However, I have some red flags: first of all, and maybe this sounds silly, but she smokes during our sessions. She asked me if I'm okay with it and I said yes because the smoke doesn't bother me but during the conversation I sometimes had the feeling we were just chatting and not being in a professional setting. She also never takes notes and today she forgot my name and other details about my life and asked me some questions I answered to on the previous session because she couldn't remember if she asked me those questions before or not. Part of me wondered if there was a point in sharing something with her or if she will forget it by next week. She wanted me to identify which goals I want to achieve in my life and through therapy and I mentioned some of them, but I don't know if she can help me or not. For example, it came out that I struggle with my self esteem and she started complimenting me, I appreciated it but it also made me a little uncomfortable, I don't think it works like this...I'm very much of a planner and it feels like this isn't going anywhere....I don't know, maybe this is how therapy is done and I should keep going, but I don't feel like paying for this.

I didn't booked the next appointment, I told her I would call her but I have strong doubts about it. I don't want to lose my time if it's not helpful but maybe I should be patient and persevere, I guess I'm looking for thoughts/opinions on what it would be best to do...

This is only my opinion. I don't know what your diagnosis is, but I had to interview to find someone who "walked their talk" First, I asked questions about trauma model and phases, recommended books, years working with trauma, art and trauma, techniques for grounding, and a written goal....therapists are supposed to have goals. My T poopooed my planning, kicked her feet up on the couch one day, and said...."you don't need to plan, I don't!" Well, I'm a planner. Mine also gave me a present, a stuffed animal-a total nono in the T world as I understand it now. When I left, I gave it back. Mine also had memory problems....which was a trigger, because the phrase my narcissistic abuser used was "I can't remember." I got indepth discussions about what she could and couldnt recall.......and her lack of planning and memory impeded consistency from session to another session. Mine never took notes...only twice in 2 years. Taking notes especially in the beginning is essential for recall. So, believe your red flags, and you are not far enough into therapy to find another. Smoking is unacceptable-not professional (no smoking in hotels, restaurants, doctors appts, and she's a medical practitioner....she's not living healthy and you're paying to breath second hand smoke ...

Being a trauma therapist: Lots of therapists do "trauma" not a lot do dissociation, PTSD, parts therapy (if that's your need), or follow a trauma model. Some click dissociation disorders and PTSD because the site actually has those as a prompt. Family systems and internal family systems are two different things.....for CPTSD, internal family systems is the norm around here. Ask her the question in an email if she has a particular philosophy or model for working with clients with trauma.

I left the old T and I got a new one....she could answer all the questions I threw at her. I liked her because she behaved professionally and wanted to work with my strengths....not against them. My last one did the over-compliment thing too. I don't think it is bad....they point out the good things we don't recognize....so that one isn't a biggie. You don't want to be spending your time "worrying about her health" cause that could lead to real problems....and if she's this loose in her practice and behavior now....wait a year.....she'll loosen up lots more! Your T sounds a lot like my old one. Sounds like she's not really professional.

 

[Justmehere]

Smoking in session? I paused right there. I mean to each their own but just seems like something she should do on her own time. Not yours.

I’d consult with a couple of therapists and get a feel for each of them. It’s pretty common to try out a couple of people before finding the right fit. For trauma work, many people find a therapist with specific training in trauma therapy tools to be a lot more useful than someone who can do trauma along with everything else. Maybe you will still end up seeing this therapist, but at least after trying out 1-3 other therapists, you’ll know you fully considered other options.

 

[Vero]

Thank you all for your input, it's really helpful to get insight from people who were/are in therapy because a lot of times I don't know if something it's normal or not. Today I called another therapist to see if she would be a better fit and to my surprise she told me she was free to see me today and offered me an appointment. I went there and to be honest with you, it was even worse than the previous one...felt like she was really judging me/making fun of me for my issues. For example, I shared how I always struggled with health anxiety and fear of death and she (jokingly) asked me if someone in my family has diabetes. I said no and then she added that too much stress could lead to diabetes and "here's one more thing for you to worry about". (so funny....not!) Or when it came out that I have some patterns of dysfunctional behavior rooted in childhood she told me something along the lines of "seriously, you are an adult now, you're X years old, you shouldn't live out of this anymore", it made me feel really embarrassed for my issues.
I'm getting so frustrated with this whole experience, maybe I'm too sensitive but I don't know, I had different expectations, maybe too high expectations....I think I'm going to continue seeing the first therapist at least a couple more times, I don't want to quit too soon, maybe, hopefully, it will work out better as we progress.

 

[hopefully optimistic]

Keep trying. Keep looking for a new therapist. See if you can get a recommendation from your pcp? Because both of those therapists do not sound great at all. There are good ones out there-don’t let those experiences stop you from trying to get help!

 

[BrownLea12]

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was if I didn’t like something a therapist said or did, to tell them. So out of my comfort zone. But I figured what the H, I’m paying and it’s my mental health at stake. So far the two I wound up working with in my life responded in a way that grew our relationship. Perhaps pick the one thing that most bothered you from the second session, and tell her it bothers you. Her response to your feelings/discomfort will tell you what you need to know about whether or not to find a new therapist.

 

[Starfire]

First, only you can decide if you are getting any benefit from your T.

I'd be concerned that if she couldn't remember my name, how could she remember my story, my issues. My T will often times put his notes down but I know he will then go back to them after the session. Sometimes eye to eye contact, full attention is needed. Also know he reads the last session over so we can be more focused on the current one.

T has encouraged me to make notes after a session. Not only to remember what was said but to see how things interplay.

Smoking issue: I'd have said the same thing especially as a new client. But science has proven second hand smoke is not healthy.

 

[Vero]

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was if I didn’t like something a therapist said or did, to tell them. So out of my comfort zone. But I figured what the H, I’m paying and it’s my mental health at stake. So far the two I wound up working with in my life responded in a way that grew our relationship. Perhaps pick the one thing that most bothered you from the second session, and tell her it bothers you. Her response to your feelings/discomfort will tell you what you need to know about whether or not to find a new therapist.

I agree that it would be a good idea to bring up my concerns to my therapist, it would be hard for me and I guess during the session I'm focused more on what I need to talk about (I feel I can't fit everything I want to say into one hour) and try to ignore some of her reactions that I don't like, but later I start thinking about it and I realise it does bother me...