Equating childhood incompetence for willful aggression

[PreciousChild]

I just uncovered a cognitive distortion that I wanted to express and wondered if anyone could relate. It's something like 'I am an evil, hurtful bitch if I don't meet someone's needs.' Now that I write it, it seems like a pretty standard cognitive distortion among us. But I guess I'm letting it come to the surface to deal with it. As a child, my parents treated me like a servant and made me responsible for stuff that a child should never be responsible for. I did everything from talking to doctors about my dad's ailments, cleaning out urine bags, on top of all manner of crappy things my parents didn't want to do themselves. Meanwhile, they never once had a kind word of gratitude or praise. What I did was never good enough. They also never asked me how I was or showed any interest in my experience. Never once. I could have been bullied that day at school, once an old man neighbor attempted to molest me, or have a run-in with a boogie man in the neighborhood that scared the kids, but if I looked upset in anyway, they told me to wipe that scowl off and smile. They sometimes yelled at or slapped me if I looked upset because they took it personally.

I was so overwhelmed by all the responsibility I had as a kid, I was actually hospitalize numerous times for physical ailments that I've never had in my adulthood - large rashes that looked like welts all over my body, heart palpitations, breathing difficulties, dizziness, etc. (I do not have asthma). But in my young mind, because they were expected of me, I thought they were my duties to fulfill and that I constantly failed my dad who suffered. So I grew up thinking that my incompetence was the cause of his suffering. When he attempted suicide, a part of me got split off and I never fully recovered because it took on the full guilt of causing his death wish, which I acted out over and over again with my ex husband. On top of that, because I was not getting my needs met at all, I probably harbored a huge desire to be loved, recognized etc. and probably had anger over not getting it. I think I also experienced that as part of this cognitive distortion that 'I am such a selfish bitch for wanting blah, blah attention when my parents suffer so much.' I see that I've had a pattern of that in my past relationships - I try and try and try to meet the other's needs. I feel like a total evil bitch for failing and thereby causing suffering. Meanwhile, I completely accept that I won't get my needs met, and if I do feel desires or needs, I treat them as proof that I am a selfish bitch for egregiously wanting attention despite other people suffering and have greater needs than myself.

 

[FauxLiz]

I treat them as proof that I am a selfish bitch for egregiously wanting attention despite other people suffering and have greater needs than myself.

This is one of my distortions that I uncovered during my last three weeks of intensive work with my T. I was sexually abused by an older brother that was a type 1 diabetic that due to his own refusal to accept his condition ended up in a coma and having a stroke. I never told anyone in my family what was going on because I believed I was being selfish because he has suffered through so much. I still struggle with believing I am selfish because I never wanted him in my life and as an adult when he passed at 28 I didn't grieve for him and I still don't

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks for sharing @FauxLiz. I can relate to your experience. It must have been especially impactful that there was an actual death to contend with. I'm very sorry that you had that happen to you. Have you done any work to counteract that distortion that you could share?

 

[FauxLiz]

@PreciousChild I am working on the distortion through CPT worksheets with my T. It is tough as this abuse was the "index" trauma as my T calls it, the primary cause of my ptsd. We are working on identifying alternative thoughts which are easy to develop hell to try and believe. I am not there yet and it hurts but I am re-reading the worksheet and several others to myself daily and have to sit with everything that it brings up.

 

[PreciousChild]

Best wishes on working through the distortion and gaining perspective, @FauxLiz. My new awareness of my cognitive distortion feels that there is a special significance that the abuser's illness adds to the equation that I hadn't worked through before. I've been reading new research that counteracts the notion that humans are born selfish. Studies on babies show that they're actually born with a preference for caring and also have an inherent sense of justice. Even though I was young, I think I already had a strong sense of pity and sympathy for anyone with a disability, including my dad. I remember times when he really played up his suffering and pain. It wasn't just about walking away from abuse. With his disability, it became about abandoning someone in need. It became melded into his abuse because every time he lashed out at me, not only did I blame myself as kids do, but I also was failing him as a compassionate human being and causing him to further suffer.

 

[ladee]

I relate to your last post. I felt this way with my mom. She was shy, unsure of herself, emotionally beat down by the sperm donor ( won't call him the D-word). And I was very enmeshed with her.

It took me a long time and a lot of therapy and self-examination to understand that I didn't know where she left off and I began. If she was hurt, I was hurt. If she was angry, I was angry. Add a feeling and I had it too. And I always felt intense guilt and shame if I let her down.

In her case, I don't feel she set out to make me wear her pain. It just evolved into the garment I wore.

You have wonderful insight. Build on that. It is such a relief when we find a crack in the wall. One that shines some light on our pain and confusion. Keep digging. Keep sharing. It will open up to something you understand and have the power to heal. As much as we are able to heal in this life. Heart hugs.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks @ladee. I guess that's what I'm doing on here - bringing stuff out into the light. People reflecting back their similar experiences and encouragement, even little ones,, help a lot. I really appreciate your encouragement. I think the passive kind of boundary crossing that it sounds like your mother is guilty of can do some lasting damage whether intentional or not, so I hope you're doing your own digging and healing. Sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders.