General How do I bring up sexual abuse with daughter?

[Gs172003]

I completely disagree. You don't wait on a teenager to come to you about anything, especially sexual abuse. She isn't the adult and isn't expected to make adult decisions.



I do, however, think that how you bring it up could be pivotal. If someone had stopped long enough when I was a kid... you could even say even say "Hey, I know there is a lot going on right now and from time to time I want to check in with you to make sure you are ok. How do you feel about your step sister letting us know what happened to her?" I hope she will let you support her and talks to you. Sending good thoughts your way for strength...

I went through this with my kids. They weren't ready and all they did was shut down. But do what you think is right.

 

[Gs172003]

I agree with @Chris-duck.

I’d also try to make sure she understands that if she ever does need to talk to you, she can and it will be safe to do so.

You could also let her therapist know about the concern and let them navigate it.

I agree with letting the therapist know.

 

[RoseyViolet]

My sister was sexually abused when she was 15 years old. At the time, she felt SOOO alone and scared, like no one would believe her, unfortunately, it was our father who abused her. She knew she had to tell someone or go insane holding it all inside. She told me.

I say all that to say... the victim will talk when they feel safe and comfortable to do so. You just being there, providing her a safe place to talk or not talk if she feels comfortable doing so could very well be the best thing you can do for her. Yes, she may have repressed it all and not even remember much at all. Letting her know in a conversational way that you are always there for her, nothing she ever reveals to you will be a surprise or will ever change your love for her and always leaving the door open for her to approach you about anything. I told our kids about our secret family abuse that had occurred while growing up so that they could identify with and more fully understand struggles we as parents still go through.

We all benefitted from the vulnerability of having them learn life can be very tough, but how you respond, grow and move on is where true help and growth stems from. Share with her one of your own personal stories of hardship or pain that you endured while growing up, you never know where it can lead. Praying you find the answers you are looking for and peace in the coming years for you all. There is hope and healing after abuse!

 

[Mee]

I am pretty sure I would have denied it had I been asked outright at many times in my teens. In fact; later in life I denied it to doctors. Having tried to tell and not finding reception or feeling that abuse equalled ‘going to have problems’ I was not prepared to be pigeonholed that way. There is also the element of protection of parents.

I think that a discussion with the therapist and perhaps the therapist approaching it; discussion on consent more widely might be a way forward?

 

[piratelady]

I am pretty sure I would have denied it had I been asked outright at many times in my teens.

I probably would have too. But looking back, my mom also created an atmosphere where I was scared to tell her, like I couldn’t trust her. That affects my relationship with her now and also makes the healing today that much more complicated and difficult. I know I can’t change the past, and there is no way for me to really know how it would have changed things... but I just wish more than anything that I had felt loved by my mom and like I could have trusted her back then. It makes me think that at least letting her know she can trust her mom will make a big difference down the road, if not now.

 

[Mee]

I probably would have too. But looking back, my mom also created an atmosphere where I was scared to tell her, like I couldn’t trust her. That affects my relationship with her now and also makes the healing today that much more complicated and difficult. I know I can’t change the past, and there is no way for me to really know how it would have changed things... but I just wish more than anything that I had felt loved by my mom and like I could have trusted her back then. It makes me think that at least letting her know she can trust her mom will make a big difference down the road, if not now.

Yes. I agree.

It takes more than being told you can trust though. I think the way we feel need to protect parents ( perhaps especially if there is trauma history in our lives) is potentially relevant. If someone says ‘you can trust me’ or ‘I love you’ I get scared.... it’s one of the things abusers themselves say ; so even this language is really difficult. ?.

It’s why I like the idea of outsourcing this to the therapist ; so taking responsibility for her well being but accepting that it might be healthier in various ways for the first supporter in situ not to be her parent. :/.

I Don’t know. I can only wish you great luck and my perspective. I have only brought it up with my parents much later in my middle age; and they have issues of their own and we have issues between us so my perspective is coloured by that.

 

[piratelady]

I definitely agree with utilizing the therapist. I guess I’m thinking kind of a two-pronged approach.

 

[Gs172003]

Yes. I agree.

It takes more than being told you can trust though. I think the way we feel need to protect parents ( perhaps especially if there is trauma history in our lives) is potentially relevant. If someone says ‘you can trust me’ or ‘I love you’ I get scared.... it’s one of the things abusers themselves say ; so even this language is really difficult. ?.

It’s why I like the idea of outsourcing this to the therapist ; so taking responsibility for her well being but accepting that it might be healthier in various ways for the first supporter in situ not to be her parent. :/.

I Don’t know. I can only wish you great luck and my perspective. I have only brought it up with my parents much later in my middle age; and they have issues of their own and we have issues between us so my perspective is coloured by that.

Absolutely agree.

 

[Friday]

I figure it’s probably 50/50 on whether or not my son has been sexually abused.

So I talk around it. (Background to follow).

Spoiler: Background

I DO know he experimented with a friend who had been sexually abused... because TheKiddo was thrilled with the fun stuff his friend was showing him. Which made the whole situation very easy, as friends parents and I got to have a very easy chat about it. It wasn’t an easy convo to start but they were well aware of their kid’s history / their kid was in treatment, so it became a very easy convo & series of following events. No one was in trouble, no drama, and neatly sorted.

I ALSO know he had some pretty brutal abuse of many kinds via his father... the most sexual I know of = being forced to watch prison rape porn @ 9yo with threats from a crying Asshole father about how that’s what was going to happen to him if TheKiddo testified against him. We ended up in the children’s hospital ER for 2 days with that one, because terror+asthma=uncontrollable bronochiospasms married to panic attacks. <<< TheKiddo 6 months later? (To present day 8 years later). Swears up and down that never happened. >>> But it’s actually documented both in the hospital records and court records (the asshole admitted it, and then cried more about how he didn’t know it was wrong), in addition to myself & his auntie getting the story the same day it happene.

That bolded part? Is why I don’t ask directly, but talk around it. Because he told us. He told the doctors and nurses. He told his therapist. TheEx admitted it to the courts. That particular event could only be more on the books if it had been filmed. And he swears none of that ever happened.

Okay.

Either he’s forgotten, because far worse both preceded & followed, or blocked it out, or remembers it all just fine but doesn’t want to talk about it.

So I don’t ask.

Instead I just share my views, as circumstances come up, so I’m a very well known quantity. IF there’s anything he might want to tell me or talk about? He already knows what I think. That doesn’t mean I’ll be the person he comes to, if/when he wants to come to anyone about it. I’m still his mom. And just because I love him, or even exactly because of that (you have to say XYZ because you’re my mooooooooom :rolleyes: ... ;) ) doesn’t mean I’m the person whose opinion he needs or wants to hear.

Am I recommending others do that? Nope. It’s right for our situation (hence the background) but it’s not going to be right for every situation.

 

[Mee]

@Friday- I really think that’s so valuable, what is right for you isn’t right for everyone.

I also think normalising being approachable and consistent and safe about being being someone to talk to is valuable. Your kid might not talk to you; A friend of his/relative might - because they see you model. Just as your son may go elsewhere if he needs to and the more people in our lives we can divulge to the better.

My dream would be that all people who aren’t perps can take courage to find information and that understanding this sort of stuff becomes mainstream enough for everyone to easily find someone safe who they feel no need to protect so they can talk.

 

[Muttly]

I probably would have denied it to. I am not sure that's the point. In the asking, or talking around it as @Friday mentioned, creates an atmosphere where the daughter can bring it up later. The other thing to think about this is that the Mom knows. That the information has been shared in the extended family through the step-sister. Acknowledging that in some way, helps take away the sense of secrecy. If the daughter finds out that the mom probably knows and hasn't said anything? That can make it harder to bring up.

Of course, getting the input from the therapist is also very important.

 

[Gs172003]

I probably would have denied it to. I am not sure that's the point. In the asking, or talking around it as @Friday mentioned, creates an atmosphere where the daughter can bring it up later. The other thing to think about this is that the Mom knows. That the information has been shared in the extended family through the step-sister. Acknowledging that in some way, helps take away the sense of secrecy. If the daughter finds out that the mom probably knows and hasn't said anything? That can make it harder to bring up.

Of course, getting the input from the therapist is also very important.

For me knowing somebody knows ( however I'm not a child) fills me with shame. I get the feeling my kids are/ were the same way. It's such a delicate situation. I wish there was an easy answer that fit everybody.