Holiday "Poker face"

[Whirlwind]

I think the point is to have fun. If you can't because of the reactions of the people or the environment, it might be more fun to choose a different party.

I have been pushing myself to "get out there" and choosing not to didn't seem like an option. Maybe it is? LOL

But again, being closer to you in age, I recall parties being a lot more exciting and fun, in so far as mingling, talking, laughing, joking, eating, dancing, people naturally breaking off in to groups. ..... Now it's more theme-based.....which personally I hate, and either make me feel totally uncomfortable, +/or conversely bored to tears.

Count me in, I am seeing this which I don't get...some of the games are so mindless, question and answer on the card so you don't have to put out any effort?

when you're a woman having to deal with guys coming on to you (or hooking up, if you wanted).

Ugh, that's a whole other topic of angst for me. I knee jerk stampede away these days but looking back over my shoulder I am amazed that even (still?) at my age what the heck are they thinking?! As in ... totally inappropriate because they are married, or a man decades my senior trying to regale me with his former? sexual prowess out of the blue. UGH. I feel like there is a sign affixed to me blinking...."Predator alert: Recently abused!!! Barely healed but back on the Market!!!".

an electron microscope picture of a sperm and egg

(like outrageous lies that aren’t really lies, because no one would believe them,

LOL :-) and....story of my life? Let it be awful, let it be wonderful, but let it be uncommon……..

I guess I can check that box but a bit heavily weighted to the awful ;)

What would relaxing this time of year look like, for you?

Nothing fancy. Enjoy the atmosphere with a few friends. I think I am missing "people"....I've been on my own now for a couple of years and the chasm that is my empty life seems to get wider every year. I made big changes for the positive but still waiting/hoping for the positives of all of this effort.

My survival holiday plan previously was to flee somewhere if I could afford it.

I like honesty but I did feel these ‘slippery’ deflections were protecting everyone.

That is a different way to look at it! I am trying to find a balance I have no need to share my history but I suppose lately I am realizing I have to deflect a lot, I think maybe for myself it is shining a light on my situation today.

All of this is helping me folks, I appreciate it. I think I am just freaking out a bit at my "big picture" and the holidays are exacerbating it. At least I am getting this out of the way early? I am starting over from scratch and I'm older and just don't know what is possible to rebuild in my life. I am trying to accept my worst case scenario and I just don't like it :-) I'm too old for a (public) tantrum :-P

All the best,

Whirlwind

 

[Whirlwind]

deleted dbl post, W

 

[Mee]

Re ‘predator alert’. You know- I think that might be shifting in the last year or so. I think it’s still happening as much but I think , i’m Not sure, but I hope, that if we call it out we will be heard. It requires guts, but if we tell just one person or say something loudly ‘I don’t appreciate that’ and move away: we are going to be safer than we were in the past?

 

[Starfire]

Just started planning my holiday encounters. Been finding people don't *care* as much as I thought.I project all kinds of embarrassment, questioning, shaming, explaining.

Like being asked to bring a picture. It was for a friend's baby shower. I was twisted for days about which one, did it betray the secret of what was going on? Just looking threw the pictures was excruciating. How could I explain showing up without one? Usually such an explanation was novel length!! After all the angst, I raced out of the house leaving the folder on the counter. When asked I meekly said, I forgot it but I remembered the gift! I was asked a couple times which one was mine but I either said I forgot or deflected and asked if they'd seen the funny one.

Others didn't bring one & nobody suffered the embarrassment or punishment or shame I had imagined would occur.

Think I was more comfortable not having a picture there staring back at me all night as a constant reminder.

 

[Autumn Breeze]

The best holidays I ever had were with other people who were also alone. Military guys from the base, elderly people from work, and volunteering at the homeless shelter. Then I wasn’t struggling and I wasn’t alone or weird, and we usually had a great time NOT talking about our families. Just food, no drinking, mind you. Sometimes there are free community meals offered. Go to a town where you won’t know anyone, just passing through! But stay safe.

 

[Tinyflame]

Go to a town where you won’t know anyone, just passing through! But

This is an amazing idea. :)

 

[Ellabella44]

A few years ago I completely lost holiday poker face. My brother in law was pushy with a mistletoe ball he had brought and I had a full on flashback. I went into a room that nobody else was in and had myself a merry little breakdown. I listened to meditation etc to help me bring myself to present instead of where I was to me.

Then I had to go back after where everyone was. The food was there. And if people asked I tried to be ok.

I have some behaviors that give me away so it's hard to hide when I go to my in laws who are great people who have only shown me compassion when I first said I had this.

They have gotten used to me not being very social some holidays and when I need my worlds volume turned down I put in ear buds. If I need to leave the room, its treated as a normal occurance now.

 

[Whirlwind]

or say something loudly ‘I don’t appreciate that’ and move away: we are going to be safer than we were in the past?

In my experience, no effect except they grudgingly stop. Which sounds horrible and contrary to what I want to believe.

I spoke with an expert in the extreme end of the spectrum (abusive men) and simply put he said realistically he rarely achieves a change of mindset, occasional long term behavior change and the only way to do any of this was via peer pressure from other men so he mandates group therapy for men. He said society would be best served to focus on young men, kids etc. He is just one opinion but I found it interesting.

Now don't get me wrong we have to stand up and say something. I do but I don't think I can't recall a single apology...but plenty of cranky sulking behavior or worse. I really hope it is better for younger women these days and maybe this is just a left over of my generation.

Go to a town where you won’t know anyone, just passing through! But stay safe.

This is great and something I have actually done before and I enjoyed it. I'm thinking maybe I need to make this my tradition and save some money every year just for this. And you are justifying my wanderlust, Yay! :-)

Best,

Whirlwind

 

[Mee]

In my experience, no effect except they grudgingly stop. Which sounds horrible and contrary to what I want to believe.

I spoke with an expert in the extreme end of the spectrum (abusive men) and simply put he said realistically he rarely achieves a change of mindset, occasional long term behavior change and the only way to do any of this was via peer pressure from other men so he mandates group therapy for men. He said society would be best served to focus on young men, kids etc. He is just one opinion but I found it interesting.

I don’t necessarily disagree. In saying it loudly enough you are drawing attention so others hear, but not saying something ‘hysterical’ . The idea really is to get others developing a social pressure and letting the violator know they have been seen by others. If anything is pushed witnesses can always say you were uncomfortable. :(.

 

[Lionheart]

An old friend invited me for Thanksgiving dinner and I accepted. I could go with my extended family to be with their relatives or back to the homeless shelter to visit my niece, ...where I went last year for Thanksgiving. However, my old friend thought of me since she knew my sister passed away last year and I thought that was very kind and sweet of her to invite me over. Still, I get sad and depressed and feel I have to hide that from others to keep from spoiling their holiday. I think I will be happy to be alone after the meal, at home ...then If I need to cry I will feel much more comfortable. And I can come here and feel welcome. I just have to display my poker face through the meal and a short visit.

 

[blackemerald1]

Thanksgiving dinner and I accepted.

^Good call sweet Lion - you will be okay. No one will expect you to be jumping around being jolly. You may feel strange for a while but I hope you can settle down and allow yourself to feel some joy. It's been a long year and you've done a lot of everything. Even if you simply sit and watch and listen to everyone else that will be wonderful for you. :hug:

 

[Lionheart]

I hope you can settle down and allow yourself to feel some joy. It's been a long year and you've done a lot of everything.

You are right, it has been a long year for me and I hope I can maintain. I am going to try not to dwell on the fact that my sister is gone and enjoy a good meal with an old friend and visit for a little while. Things are seldom as dark as my mind makes them out to be at first. Thank you @blackemerald1 for a gentle nudge in the right direction.