A lack of friends is a 'red flag', apparently?

[RVA21]

so why is it bad to be risk adverse to form social relationships?

It's not bad, I always thought it was sensible.

File this under “shit that extroverts with no serious problems say”.

I am definitely going to do that!

And yes I agree, society does still have issues with ''imperfect'' people. And it sucks.

Which one do you want to be?

Honestly, I think I am quitting. I have tried to make friends and I find it difficult because I just do not trust most people. It is exhausting. I am so very tired. It feels like a waste of energy. Especially if people I meet are thinking I am some nutcase because I have no friends.

it is concerning if someone planned to increase isolation and prepare for death

Yes, I am extremely fragile right now but I think the person's comment made me realise just how much, how bad I had become. My life is very empty and deep down I suppose I am very sad. I am still grieving the abusive relationship I got out of a few years ago. Sometimes I feel much better but I know I'm not 100% recovered. I don't know, maybe it has just highlighted that even though I thought I was doing good, I was really, really wrong. :(

Sometimes it was simply showing up at a meetup or etc. I kept connecting.

Yes, I had been doing things like that but I just recently noticed I have been removed from one of the groups I was on (hadn't gone to anything for a while but also don't think they just remove people for that?) Plus, I was texting one of the other members lately and she had said the group leader was planning more things in the new year. I logged on to check and found I had been removed. It has only increased my paranoia, really.

As a kid, my mother stopped me from having friends and it seems to have become a norm, I'm just the loner 'kid' who no one really liked or wanted around anyway. I wasn't 'socialised' at all, really.

Try to let this go, and work on taking care of you.

I will try to do this, thank you, your message is very kind.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think what defines friendship is different for different people, and some may think of you more of a friend than you see them, too. It is different than being friendly. But most of all, I think like may things people feel they are able to concoct out of anything, it's people who end up together because though maybe different in small things, the big things are similar. You gel. That will happen for you too when you are with people who understand and value you. If you feel the same about them then you will have the start of a much better relationship, whether it's many or a select few, than people who can't understand you, IMHO. And much less fear and drain. And as per a partner, well most people include being in love with each other as a major criteria, which involves more than picking and choosing this or that without context, or it wouldn't be a very deep love.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[RVA21]

Thanks @Tinyflame you make a lot of sense :) :hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

Honestly, I think I am quitting. I have tried to make friends and I find it difficult because I just do not trust most people. It is exhausting. I am so very tired. It feels like a waste of energy. Especially if people I meet are thinking I am some nutcase because I have no friends.

^I reckon you may be looking at making friends like a project rather than a process. It takes a lot of time for someone to attain the status of friend with me. But I have lots of acquaintances who I'm friendly with. I don't discuss my mental health with them.

You do sound tired and dispirited by your trauma and childhood.

Give it time. In the last two years I've made about 20 acquaintances and one friend.

Think about what you like to do... interests etc and make an effort to do that. Meeting people is incidental in that situation.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not exactly the same, but I get the same thing all the time about being single @Lumos . Last one was a day ago with my co-worker since I am so flexible (physically, therefore good in bed). And that was from a woman. ? (Ya, I know, I likely have a genetic collagen disease that makes my joints too flexible, the bones dislocate too easily, and can be associated with sudden death, from a major blood vessel burst. That too. Of course I laughed, said "Now you're making me blush", :rolleyes: . She added she's "talked all about why (am I single?) with her H I've never met. ? ). Generally speaking they don't know if I'm gay, or God-knows-what. My favorite is, "Girls like you aren't single". (?? :confused: ?? ? ) One or twice I actually said to people, "Yep you've seen a real live unicorn". ?

 

[Deanna]

I never had time for friends and was always working. Then i realized I'm not much to talk, just to be talking. That, and chit-chat, doesn't make me any money. I don't even have a facebook page. I really don't care. Society wants the cheerleader with all her friends. That's a fantasy, unless you have super, rich parents. It's so boring to know what society expects.

Society wants Cinderella and all of her elves. I have one or two, very good friends.. Maybe a few more. That's a good amount, really. They have lives too.

 

[RVA21]

My favorite is, "Girls like you aren't single". (?? :confused: ?? ? )

Oh I used to get similar when I was younger and more outgoing. People can be so ignorant. The implication that if we're single there must be something wrong with us! I definitely don't need or want a man right now, lol.

I have one or two, very good friends.. Maybe a few more. That's a good amount, really.

I totally agree, thank you.

You do sound tired and dispirited by your trauma and childhood.

Yes this is very much it. I am just utterly worn out from it all.

The problem being, the things I like can all be done alone. But I will try to think of things that mean I could meet people.

Which also says you’re basically a good person.

How’s that for a Catch22?

Because if the only justification that rings true for you is that a person must be awful to treat them badly? Meaning the only reason YOU would treat someone badly is if they’re awful? That speaks to your character. Not other people’s. Many people treat amazing, perfectly lovely people terribly. All you have to do is look in any mass grave. What did those children do to be gassed/shot/set on fire? Nothing. They were in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and ran afoul of the wrong people. It doesn’t matter how smart, kind, funny, talented, strong, responsible, obedient, mischievous, delightful, or brave they were. Someone shot them and dumped them in a hole. Not because of who they were. Because that’s what the person with the gun decided to do. When people abuse children? It’s not because the children are bad. It’s not because the children are awful. It’s not because the children deserve to be abused. It’s because the person abusing them decided to do it.

There has to be a bank robber to rob a bank.
There has to be a rapist to rape.
There has to be an abuser to abuse.

Those are their crimes. Not their victims crime. It’s not the banks fault it was robbed, not the rape victims fault they were raped, not the child’s fault they were abused (or shot and dumped in a hole).

Thank you for saying it that way. It really made me think of some things differently.

Just read a review of the film Judy about Judy Garland and this bit sort of touches on what I'm trying to talk about too.

Unfortunately, no one understands the trauma Judy endured in her childhood years, and many of her present-day handlers and casual observers write her off as merely a has-been diva.

People not knowing what I've been through and thinking I'm *pick a negative judgement*

But also having grown up with that there is a huge tendency for me to think that's what people are thinking when it might not be true.

The NHS have put me on several courses of group therapy in the past year or two. And in each of them the others on the course say that normal people look at them like they are mad or stupid or whatever and I relate to that too.

Part of what's had me so low lately is being so hurt at losing my friendships and just running out of hope that I can manage to have any again. Sort of thinking it's just beyond me to manage to have.



Is painful looking at this stuff, and fearful too but better than continuing to avoid it?

I went thru a similar thing. When I was admitted to the hospital emergency, I was in the hospital for about 2 weeks. When I got out - everyone was gone. No one checked on me or asked how I was doing. They just vanished.

I have only one that I have been back in touch with and she is worth more that all the others put together. I am very lucky to have her.

 

[starvingGrad]

Honestly, I think I am quitting. I have tried to make friends and I find it difficult because I just do not trust most people. It is exhausting. I am so very tired. It feels like a waste of energy. Especially if people I meet are thinking I am some nutcase because I have no friends.

Rebuilding trust in other people takes time, especially if your parents were the ones that broke that trust to begin with like mine did. Rather than "quitting" I'd encourage you to look at it as "pausing". Having PTSD/CPTSD is exhausting, being a "functional" person is also exhausting. If working on increasing friendships or dating is overwhelming on top of all that, then its ok to step back and say "I want this, but not right now so I'll come back to it". It's ok to take a break for yourself.

 

[grit]

It is cultural we think this way. Especially that everybody must have friends or you are doomed. and also the use of without people (Aka friends) you cannot get over anything mentally related. It is very culture. it is not universal or biological. Of course on the other hand none of us are from a tree either so we all have someone we call a family, a neighobor, a coworker, a doctor, etc. We all have people unless honestly we live in the mountains alone - and that is even momentarily in one's life...sooner or later they die or they come back.

What people are getting though is coping. Can you cope without others or they are assuming you cannot? It is well known fact there are two coping major coping mechanism: Auto regulation and co regulation. If you can do auto-regulation (which is important for survival) that is fine. If you have problems with co-regulation (sort of like what we most do with therapists or intimate partners or children), then you are fine too. Having both is that much more powerful but having one or the other is work in progress not an albatross on your neck.

It is possible you feel this way because you need a support a friend or a person in your life and that comment trigger you to that subconscious need. It is possible or it reminded you of being hurt by a person in such a position. so many reasons. But it is good you recognize for that. That shows you have strong auto-regulation at work...

 

[Friday]

Yep. Definite red flag for maaaaaaaaany things, in my experience. Nearly all ranging from bad to very bad.

A flag isn’t a certainty, though. It’s a be on the lookout. As there are a helluva lot of perfectly lovely, heathy, trustworthy, individuals out there who either don’t have friends right at the moment (like they’ve just moved into the area, or have recently changed life roles; like newly graduated, new parents, etc.)... or simply prefer to be solitary or in the company of a few people.

More commonly? It means you’re dealing with someone with severe and profound trust issues often -but not always- from tragic pasts &/or presents, serious mental illness, serious health conditions, recent bereavements, alcoholism & addiction, workaholism &/or difficult jobs, people who can’t maintain friendships due to being liars or erratic behaviour or anger issues, people who can’t establish friendships due to either not understanding how or not caring, people who are newly divorced and still a hot mess, as well people who have friends but are hiding them (like they’re dating whilst married or just released from prison or running from something or just flat of lying to you about who they are for heaven only knows what reason). Not a complete list, certainly, although some of those items -like health conditions & mental illness- have hundreds of variations.

Not having any friends is usually (hence the red flag) a sign that person has some serious problems.

Reverse Logic Fallacy = The reverse isn’t automatically true. (Not having friends indicates a problem, so (reverse logic fallacy) means a person doesn’t have problems.) People with friends are just as likely to be eyeballs deep in dire life stuff, as those without. They’re just missing that particular tell. Which points towards other things.

 

[siniang]

Reading through some of the last comments, I just wanted to add that there is a big difference between "peopling"/having acquaintances and friends. These two are often mixed up.

Someone who absolutely withdraws 99% of the time and is awkward dealing with anyone/not interested in even having a single friend? Yeah...red flag. Because as I mentioned, humans need other human interactions. We're social animals.

 

[Whirlwind]

I am still grieving the abusive relationship I got out of a few years ago. Sometimes I feel much better but I know I'm not 100% recovered. I don't know, maybe it has just highlighted that even though I thought I was doing good, I was really, really wron

I don't think you can be doing "that bad" if you got out of an abusive relationship. That is something many just can't do.

I do think "friendless" is a red flag and if so my flag is huge. So flag it may be but they aren't always red :-) I met a person awhile back...I was impressed with her friendships going back 30 yrs. What I came to learn is her friendships were more like hostages so I got the heck out of there. It was a bummer but not nearly as much as inviting that kind of drama into my life.

I've had friends before and circumstances find me where I am today. I know it will take time, its an odds game.

Give it time. In the last two years I've made about 20 acquaintances and one friend.

Practically when meeting new people I don't show my hand so to speak. I refer to people ... just happens to be people I used to know. I have moved so it gives me an excuse. No one asks though. It is very hard to trust again but when I am feeling isolated it helps to just get out around people in an non threatening way.

But I will try to think of things that mean I could meet people.

I volunteer, there are many you can pick your own schedule. I go to random free events/seminars, people watch and I can't think of one where I wish I hadn't gone. I ride my bike all over and people aren't used to that in my area so I end up striking conversations around town. I make myself go out and about several times a week. Again, it is a numbers game and I really have no choice if I want to bring people in my life. They need to meet me too.

Best wishes,

Whirlwind