I've been seeing someone & I'm still unsure if I should keep doing so

[RavenWine]

I was in an abusive relationship for almost ten years, and this past March stopped contact entirely which took a lot for me to do. I've recently been trying to meet people and see what's out there. I've been seeing this guy for about two months now and a few things have already happened, mostly due to my own mental health issues. The first day I saw him I told him about my past, but not in too much detail. He did show sympathy towards me and we talked about it for a bit.
A few days later my ex started stalking me on Instagram and I had a panic attack and for the entire week I was not in a good headspace.
Then on Thursday that week I find out my sister had once slept with the guy I'm currently interested many years ago. She's slept with a lot of men, so to her it didn't matter but it bothered me because she would hit on my ex a lot and eventually it led to them hooking up, and he'd sometimes be there to make me watch. I basically had to do that or he'd say he wouldn't let me come home or sleep but it still happened anyway. I told the guy im seeing about my sister and he seemed embarrassed of the situation because he had been intoxicated and didn't really want it to happen and stopped talking to her after. I decided to still continue to see him but I was still so angry and then just became numb. When I'm numb it isn't good because I can be self destructive.
The next day I had plans to go over his house and watch a movie. One thing led to another, and we started making out and eventually he asked me if I wanted to go to his room. I have never been someone to hook up with someone so fast, and we both seemed into each other, but neither of us had discussed sexual health before jumping into things. I guess in my mind I didn't care to ask and halfway through sex he basically stated he knows I'm clean (not asking) and I didn't know how to respond so I just agreed and we had unprotected sex. I have herpes. I've had herpes since I was a kid, passed on from my parents. I failed to mention to him that I had herpes and didn't seem to even think about it or care that night. Probably because I also thought he'd be sick of me soon enough anyway.
For the next week I beat myself up over it, feeling intense guilt and trying to process what I've done. He hadn't done anything wrong but I think I just was feeling so numb I didn't care for another person because of that. It's like I purposely wanted to cause a problem so I could feel something. I told him a week later through text and he didn't just want to call it quits with me. He was mad, which he should be and said he knows I have issues but sees good in me and will give me another chance.
We hang out again a week later, and we still talk about sex and he still seems interested in me that way. We go for a drive in his car and that's when things got serious and he pulled over to have a serious conversation with me. I started to get anxious and shut down because I didn't know what to expect. He thinks I gave him herpes on purpose because my sister had once slept with him, and he ignored her and this was her way to get back at him. I was shocked by that theory but I put myself in his shoes and could see why he'd think that. I told him about me not thinking about it in the moment and how it was a mistake and offered to help pay his medical bills for the testing he'd gotten done.
I'm honestly still really beating myself up about this and we are still seeing each other and having sex but I feel like I can't fully express myself to him and worry I'll be toxic again and too much. We talked again the other day about the herpes stuff and other stuff, and I shared more about my past and how I had sexual pain during intercourse for years and my ex thought I wouldn't have sex with him because he didn't work. The guy I'm seeing still seems mad about the herpes situation and kind of like agreed with my exes way of thinking and I didn't know what to say. I'm still thinking about it and feel bothered by it. He has every right to have strong emotions towards me but I wonder if he really thinks that about me as a person since I lied to him.. Also once in conversation too, he asked what's the worst thing I ever said to my ex, which I thought was odd and I told him and he said that's still no excuse to hurt you . I just don't know if he has my best interests at heart due to resentments towards me and I don't know if I should part ways or continue seeing him because we do have a connection..

 

[Friday]

First off... I absolutely believe you... that you didn’t even think about telling your sexual partner about your STI. That it wasn’t intentional, or malicious, at all.

Which, unfortunately, it a sign of a very very big problem.

One of the shittiest side effects of domestic violence is that we often become abusive, ourselves. Because the only way to survive in an abusive relationship is to ALWAYS be looking out for ourselves. As a matter of life and death. It’s an insane kind of selfishness, because it’s focused 99% on the other person (keeping them happy, no matter how miserable it makes us), with the end goal being our own welfare. It’s a sick, twisted, profoundly toxic way of life... but it became normal a loooooong time ago. Keeping someone else happy to keep ourselves safe? Isn’t actually being concerned about their welfare. It’s being concerned about our survival. Selfishness tied to survival? Is a very very dangerous thing. Because it means we do things to other people, as if whatever we want is a matter of life and death. Matters of life and death? Set all other parameters aside. And people get hurt. Because we aren’t thinking about them, as people, we’re thinking of them as abusers. And treating them as such. <<<< This ties into the cycle of abuse, too, because if we catch ourselves abusing someone else? How much more likely are we to stay with them, when they abuse us back, because it’s “fair”? Because we feel bad about what we did, or guilty, and feel we owe it to them to stay, or do whatever they want, as an apology. And abusers do us that guilt and shame to tie us to them. And then bam! We’ve got trauma bonds, because we hurt them, they hurt us, and apologies, and it’s good for awhile, and gets bad, and rinse lather repeat.

In a few years? You’ll probably be mortified, that thinking someone would be gone soon is justification for giving them an incurable disease. But it really is that insane kind of selfishness that’s born out of abuse, where we don’t even think about the other person, except in relation to how THEY treat US, what it means to us, and if someone is going to be an asshole or gone? What does it matter how we treat them? Have to lookout for ourselves. Because no one else is going to. But we’re not really looking out for ourselves, because if we were? We wouldn’t be treating other people like garbage. That’s an abuse mindset. Not a healthy mindset. And it IS confusing as f*ck.

The good news? That shit works itself out. But it takes a few years. And a lot of feeling bad after we treat someone badly, and resolving not to / learning how to catch ourselves BEFORE we treat someone badly... and eventually putting ourselves first? No longer involves putting someone else down, nor 99% of your attention directed at them. It untangles. We treat ourselves well, we treat others well; we don’t treat others badly, and we don’t accept bad treatment from others. As easy as breathing.

Right now? From what you’ve written, you are eyeballs deep in trauma-thinking, and patterns learned and mastered in abuse.
- It honestly doesn’t occur to you before you had sex
- When he “tells” you? You agree, as a matter of course. Insfead of disagreeing because he’s wrong.
- You’re concerned about if HE has YOUR best interests at heart (when you clearly don’t have his... nor your own, that responsibility you’re laying on potential partners IE learned helplessness thing).

Again, trauma-thinking & lessons learned in abuse? WILL untangle. With a lot of work, over some serious time. A few years, not a few months. A lot of it will feel like you’re being kicked in the gut, or your eyeballs are spinning around like a cartoon, and make you sick, and make you angry, and make you sad. But it’s worth it. As are the healthy relationships you’ll develop as a byproduct, where each of you cares for the other AND for yourselves. But the untangling part? Especially where we’re acting out our abuse, or acting like we’re in abuse, and hurting others because of it -when that is the LAST thing we want to be doing- can be painful as f*ck. But it’s worth it.

So my personal recommendation? If you and this guy are meant to be... break up with him. Get together again in a couple years, once you’ve sorted out yourself and your life, and aren’t treating him in ways that make you feel bad, and aren’t desperately trying to figure out what he wants from you / if he’s a good guy, or not, because you can’t tell the difference anymore, (because it’s been so long that your standards are so low he could be the best guy in the world and you wouldn’t know it as any different from the snake that slithered over the low bar. ) No wondering, no regret, just you being your awesome self... totally recognizing both the snakes and the princes for what they are.

That’s what taking a break from relationships, and working on yourself after abuse, buys you; clarity. And high standards. For yourself, and for others.

Doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt, or f*ck up and hurt someone else from time to time (I JUST did, at dinner tonight. My mind was elsewhere, and I said something I feel terrible about :sick: .) But it becomes the rare thing. Instead of standard operating procedure. Instead of normal life.

 

[mumstheword]

My ex had herpes. I didn't get it. So, hopefully, you haven't passed it on.

I agree with @Friday.
You really need to get yourself clear and trying when you've started something so messily? Not conducive. Get some counselling, do some therapy, work on your health, as a priority.

Abusive relationships take a long time to untangle, in our own heads, hearts and souls, and you need time to untangle before you re-entangle with someone new.
Especially with the messy, toxic, sister, stuff.
Pull back and get yourself together so, when a relationship presents itself, you will KNOW, not be ambivalent, but fully knowing it's right.

Just my two cents.

 

[Mach123]

I'm always yelling at my wife about how things could be. You spelled it out. We.dont drink and I honestly believe this is the number one factor. So we have the same underlying causes but our behavior stops at a certain level that it wouldn't stop if we were drinking. (One of us would have pulled a stunt and we'd be divorced.) It won't fix anything, but it might stop some of the more dangerous behavior. Oh, and you'll think you are fixed because comparitavely it'll probably look like it. I hope you feel better and things calm down.

 

[RavenWine]

First off... I absolutely believe you... that you didn’t even think about telling your sexual partner about your STI. That it wasn’t intentional, or malicious, at all.

Which, unfortunately, it a sign of a very very big problem.

One of the shittiest side effects of domestic violence is that we often become abusive, ourselves. Because the only way to survive in an abusive relationship is to ALWAYS be looking out for ourselves. As a matter of life and death. It’s an insane kind of selfishness, because it’s focused 99% on the other person (keeping them happy, no matter how miserable it makes us), with the end goal being our own welfare. It’s a sick, twisted, profoundly toxic way of life... but it became normal a loooooong time ago. Keeping someone else happy to keep ourselves safe? Isn’t actually being concerned about their welfare. It’s being concerned about our survival. Selfishness tied to survival? Is a very very dangerous thing. Because it means we do things to other people, as if whatever we want is a matter of life and death. Matters of life and death? Set all other parameters aside. And people get hurt. Because we aren’t thinking about them, as people, we’re thinking of them as abusers. And treating them as such. <<<< This ties into the cycle of abuse, too, because if we catch ourselves abusing someone else? How much more likely are we to stay with them, when they abuse us back, because it’s “fair”? Because we feel bad about what we did, or guilty, and feel we owe it to them to stay, or do whatever they want, as an apology. And abusers do us that guilt and shame to tie us to them. And then bam! We’ve got trauma bonds, because we hurt them, they hurt us, and apologies, and it’s good for awhile, and gets bad, and rinse lather repeat.

In a few years? You’ll probably be mortified, that thinking someone would be gone soon is justification for giving them an incurable disease. But it really is that insane kind of selfishness that’s born out of abuse, where we don’t even think about the other person, except in relation to how THEY treat US, what it means to us, and if someone is going to be an asshole or gone? What does it matter how we treat them? Have to lookout for ourselves. Because no one else is going to. But we’re not really looking out for ourselves, because if we were? We wouldn’t be treating other people like garbage. That’s an abuse mindset. Not a healthy mindset. And it IS confusing as f*ck.

The good news? That shit works itself out. But it takes a few years. And a lot of feeling bad after we treat someone badly, and resolving not to / learning how to catch ourselves BEFORE we treat someone badly... and eventually putting ourselves first? No longer involves putting someone else down, nor 99% of your attention directed at them. It untangles. We treat ourselves well, we treat others well; we don’t treat others badly, and we don’t accept bad treatment from others. As easy as breathing.

Right now? From what you’ve written, you are eyeballs deep in trauma-thinking, and patterns learned and mastered in abuse.
- It honestly doesn’t occur to you before you had sex
- When he “tells” you? You agree, as a matter of course. Insfead of disagreeing because he’s wrong.
- You’re concerned about if HE has YOUR best interests at heart (when you clearly don’t have his... nor your own, that responsibility you’re laying on potential partners IE learned helplessness thing).

Again, trauma-thinking & lessons learned in abuse? WILL untangle. With a lot of work, over some serious time. A few years, not a few months. A lot of it will feel like you’re being kicked in the gut, or your eyeballs are spinning around like a cartoon, and make you sick, and make you angry, and make you sad. But it’s worth it. As are the healthy relationships you’ll develop as a byproduct, where each of you cares for the other AND for yourselves. But the untangling part? Especially where we’re acting out our abuse, or acting like we’re in abuse, and hurting others because of it -when that is the LAST thing we want to be doing- can be painful as f*ck. But it’s worth it.

So my personal recommendation? If you and this guy are meant to be... break up with him. Get together again in a couple years, once you’ve sorted out yourself and your life, and aren’t treating him in ways that make you feel bad, and aren’t desperately trying to figure out what he wants from you / if he’s a good guy, or not, because you can’t tell the difference anymore, (because it’s been so long that your standards are so low he could be the best guy in the world and you wouldn’t know it as any different from the snake that slithered over the low bar. ) No wondering, no regret, just you being your awesome self... totally recognizing both the snakes and the princes for what they are.

That’s what taking a break from relationships, and working on yourself after abuse, buys you; clarity. And high standards. For yourself, and for others.

Doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt, or f*ck up and hurt someone else from time to time (I JUST did, at dinner tonight. My mind was elsewhere, and I said something I feel terrible about :sick: .) But it becomes the rare thing. Instead of standard operating procedure. Instead of normal life.

Thank you for your well thought out response. It honestly really helps me get an insight into my behavior. I already have been thinking I'm toxic for this person I'm seeing. He has mental health issues of his own as well, so I feel like that's why he didn't just instantly cut me out of his life. I am heavily debating going my separate ways though. I just think he and I need to talk again in person because I feel like I'm better able to explain why I did what I did. Again I really appreciate your reply and your way of explaining what it's really helps a lot.

 

[EveHarrington]

Not to be too nosy, but I’m assuming it’s HSV2 contracted by abuse from your parents?

 

[RavenWine]

No my parents weren't abusive at all. It was contracted at some point when I was younger by them because I had always had cold sores as a young kid. I'm assuming it was contracted either at birth which can happen or by one of them kissing me when they had an outbreak. A lot of people don't even realize what cold sores are. I sure didn't for the longest time.

Not to be too nosy, but I’m assuming it’s HSV2 contracted by abuse from your parents?

Update: I have decided to cut ties with this person. I also discussed this situation with a close friend of mine and she noticed a few red flags that I had ignored. This guy never gave me his full name, and he keeps asking for money for the medical expenses but doesn't show the bills so I can know how much I owe and also still doesn't fully know if he has herpes. He got tested but it's been about two months and still hasn't said anything. Regardless of the situation, I figured it's best to just stop talking to him and seeing him.

 

[EveHarrington]

No my parents weren't abusive at all. It was contracted at some point when I was younger by them because I had always had cold sores as a young kid. I'm assuming it was contracted either at birth which can happen or by one of them kissing me when they had an outbreak. A lot of people don't even realize what cold sores are. I sure didn't for the longest time.

The reason that I ask is because something like 75%+ of the population has HSV1 aka cold sores. This is no big deal. I still get them when I’m stressed and treat them with tea tree oil. What happens is that kids get HSV1 by being kissed by adults. It’s a very common thing.

Sometimes HSV1 travels to the genital region ie through oral sex.

HSV2 is what is typically known as genital herpes. This is what is known as a STI and many people take pills to suppress the outbreaks.

I think if your guy understood that you’ve got the cold sore version he’d be a lot more understanding.

 

[RavenWine]

The reason that I ask is because something like 75%+ of the population has HSV1 aka cold sores. This is no big deal. I still get them when I’m stressed and treat them with tea tree oil. What happens is that kids get HSV1 by being kissed by adults. It’s a very common thing.

Sometimes HSV1 travels to the genital region ie through oral sex.

HSV2 is what is typically known as genital herpes. This is what is known as a STI and many people take pills to suppress the outbreaks.

I think if your guy understood that you’ve got the cold sore version he’d be a lot more understanding.

Everything you said I already am aware of. I take medication for suppression daily. I've done my research and I don't just have cold sores because it's spread to my past sexual partner who went down on me so now I have both types of herpes. But I don't often have break outs because I've had it so long.
Regardless of what happens with me and the current guy I'm seeing, I just hope he gets help because he told me he wants to kill himself over the fact he probably has herpes now.

 

[Whirlwind]

Because the only way to survive in an abusive relationship is to ALWAYS be looking out for ourselves. As a matter of life and death. It’s an insane kind of selfishness, because it’s focused 99% on the other person (keeping them happy, no matter how miserable it makes us), with the end goal being our own welfare. It’s a sick, twisted, profoundly toxic way of life... but it became normal a loooooong time ago.

This is an incredibly insightful post. Something that can only be expressed when you've been through it.

 

[EveHarrington]

Everything you said I already am aware of. I take medication for suppression daily. I've done my research and I don't just have cold sores because it's spread to my past sexual partner who went down on me so now I have both types of herpes. But I don't often have break outs because I've had it so long.
Regardless of what happens with me and the current guy I'm seeing, I just hope he gets help because he told me he wants to kill himself over the fact he probably has herpes now.

You don’t have both types of herpes if your BF went down on you.

You have HSV1 which spread to your genital region.

Just because HSV1 spread doesn’t mean you now have both types of herpes. They are two different strands.

 

[Ronin]

Eve, what about quit putting Raven down over something that a) is not even the main issue of the post, b) she is well aware of and educated about both.

Your coating it in informative and soo concerned ain't cutting it.