General What are they thinking?

[Dave ZInger]

@Freida I have a question for you or and sufferer that could possibly help me understand because I truly want to. My suffererer had the worst PTSD episode 4 months ago. It was so bad that I prepared myself that it was the end of our 35 year marriage. It was then I realized that this was bigger than anything I could fix, or handle and knew I needed therapy to learn how to live with soeonewith PTSD and truly be a supporter. It has helped me tremendously and I feel stronger and more confident than I ever have and he's grown by leaps and bounds as well.

The problem Is, is that he was never a good communicator but he was ALWAYS affectionate. I think that's what always gave me personal security even when I was feeling insecure.
After this huge explosion in our life he slept on the couch for a month. He began communicating (nothing deep or personal but comunicating). His mood has been uplifting and hopeful. He now gives me one kiss and a hug goodbye when I'm walking out the door. BUT he doesn't snuggle, sleeps very far on the edge of a long size bed. He will lay his hand on my hand for a while and tells me he loves me before he falls asleep.

This is a man that was ALWAYS snuggly. It's been 4 months now. One time I said something and he said nicely "You promised me you wouldn't push", so I haven't.

Any in site would be appreciated.

Wow, you really are a tower of strength so that's a credit to you. I am just experiencing my first I stance of my gfs attack and its really shaken me. I hope I can become as, strong as you..

 

[EveHarrington]

That's understandable but still heartbreaking to me.. I truly hope myrel with my sufferer doesn't go down the same road. ?

Whew!

I had to go back and re-read what I wrote. I have no memory of my experience in that relationship being what I wrote. My memories are of the toxicity and how long it took me to heal from his incredibly misguided attempts to fix me. I’m with someone new now (we’ve been together a year and a half now) and OMG he has the patience of a saint (even though we have our very rough times, brought on by me.....not saying he’s innocent though). Not sure where I’m going with this other than to say his unwavering support has made him my rock. It’s his consistency that has proven him safe to me, along with the fact that he’s never tried to fix me (ever). Sorry for rambling...

 

[WinterCricket]

Hail Mary help, Freida, Eve. I don't want to give up on Marine, he has my heart still but I think he may be gone, this time....I do understand his inner struggle but it gets the best of me, we have been back and forth almost 4 years, it's so exhausting.... I try not to help unless he reaches out, often with a meltdown, so many of those, he is always gone at the holidays....

I try so hard to be strong but it overcomes me the wild ride in comms, no comms, he's promised to give me warning, just a ping of "alive" - I try to make it cheerful "no ear in a box needed" just a ping....ughhhh, he can't or won't!

He seems to want the help when he's down, I try not to be patronizing but honest. He has in the past shared deep appreciation for my support in the darkest hours, many of those hours, but good times too in my memory of healing in person and long talks.... But I can see even when he is "happy" he is limping you know?

I try being strong but, after 10 weeks gone after we were on a wonderful roll, begining late August, he announced (after I reached out) via text early November he'd been offered his dream job and I said congrats truly (but confused) when he said it over text, I asked if he'd like to share it via phone, and when he made excuses as so many times before why he couldn't talk, I growled at him, dammit...he called me by my pet name and it irritated me after so long and I growled asking how can he call me "Miss" but no apology, nothing more than hey I got the job and all about that!!! I asked has this (distancing) become so normal that there was no apology for being gone for 2.5 months? Oh my goodness the compartmentalizing, no words.

Just like that, gone.....I sent a lot of questions/truth/logic/hurt over the next couple of weeks, nothing back but horrid silence of course...Did I have the right to be upset yes, disappointed yes, and so I gave the usual vomitorium of pent up frustration we supporters often do when overwhelmed, nothing vile but just way too many questions - that I wished he'd keep up with counseling, blah blah blah... and so with the good news out of the blue, I growled....I didn't want to but the hurt overcame me and I said it, that I didn't feel he wanted me to go on the journey with him, that I was so very hurt he didn't want to talk with me ....so much walking on eggshells and now he has his dream, all the work on his career but not on his health and not us....Does any of this at least make sense to sufferers? I apologize to all of you sincerely, but can I have feelings? I'm so confused. I hate PTSD and war and what it's done to his thinking.

My good guy friend also a combat vet advised - just ping him with good vibes now, just be positive and let him know you are there in a good way, keep pinging, this is what depression and anxiety needs and he has it under all the good news.... I have been for several weeks, about twice a week with no reply. I apologized for misunderstanding his silence, I have been shooting quick supportive notes to try to break this ongoing cycle, happy memories....

His job is high stress and requires intense training and will likely take him across the country. I can hardly believe he's been able to sustain the stress given what I know about how depressed he is. I find myself wanting the best for him but feeling a bit bitter and used as he posted his big success on social media this eve (which I'm not a part of except to see it), I imagine he's finished training and will move soon. I know nothing, he won't let me in.

Riddle me this, he has told me I'm the only one he's ever shared his PTSD with, except for brief counseling, which he's apparently quit. I feel I'm being shut out because he only wants to see the career success he's having and not face the reality of opening up pandora's box and facing head on the issues. I do ask him to face it head on, and I think for being direct, for being the only one who supports this part of the journey - I am being made to pay, with silence.

Is it wrong that I do ask him to face these things? I guess I have my answer? This job is one that requires absolute clear headedness for public safety and not one where someone should be dealing with severe PTSD.

I guess I just needed to say it, he won't hear it, thank you all for hearing it. I love him but he won't seem to have it for any length of time, won't face it, refuses to accept love, real love can be scary and requires possible loss - love is honest and we were at our best when I heard his truth and vice versa and we were working together.

I guess all the emotion I've thrown at him has only driven him away, for good. In my heart I'm mad at myself for not being stronger but I'm mad at him for giving up on me and us. I did send him a xmas gift and I hope he likes it even if he's gone.

Is this where you just walk away and call it? Do I shut up or keep up periodic contact? Is all the social media stuff just more of the need for support? I'm at a loss.....silence sucks.

 

[Ronin]

Maybe he IS doing his best already, compartmentalizing lives where they belong.

Imo coming to *you first* with news, any news, even more *good* ones? IS letting you in.

Just positive may lead to feeling one can't come if not on the same wave and f*ck the few good things up.

Not saying you are doing anything wrong...
Nor that that is anywhere close to his reasoning...

Just that there are many a way looking at the issues at hand... and good sides.

But nah: you having & showing emotions isn't doing wrong, don't take that blame.

And two, feeling abandoned is very real but not the same as being abandoned... and lack of comms in some lifestyles means absolutely jack about affection changing. Just lack of comms. Can't or won't but not don't wanna talk.

 

[Freida]

Wait...what??

He didn't talk to you for 10 weeks, then told you he landed his dream job and will be moving across the country AND he isn't doing any kind of therapy?

Yes -you have every right to be upset and to tell him that you are. Because while it may be symptoms of ptsd there is a lot of just plain being an asshat. I know we get forgiven for a lot of bad behavior but this situation is going to have to be solved by your boundaries - not his ptsd.

If you are ok with this being how your relationship works? Then it's ok- Because it's your choice. But if you are unhappy with being treated like this it's also ok to tell him he needs to at least attempt to show up and be counted as a part of your life

He may not be able to give you what you need -- and I think you've been very patient with him. Maybe it's time for you to take a break from him and give yourself a chance to regroup.

Therapy is a must if he is going to be a part of a relationship. If he's not willing to do that then how can he be willing to do the work to be who you deserve? I'm not sure if the supporters would all agree on that but it might be a good question for them. How long will they stay with someone who treats them like this? How many more chances would they give?

As for this.....

his job is one that requires absolute clear headedness for public safety

This is actually pretty easy for many of us with ptsd. I did it for decades because it's a great way to not have to face the demons. I could keep my mind busy because I was constantly under life or death pressure. But. When it all came crashing down? I lost that ability and the demons broke through and broke my concentration. So you are right...it's a bitch to do treatment and high stress work at the same time. It can be done but it ain't easy.

 

[WinterCricket]

Maybe he IS doing his best already, compartmentalizing lives where they belong.

Imo coming to *you first* with news, any news, even more *good* ones? IS letting you in.

Just positive may lead to feeling one can't come if not on the same wave and f*ck the few good things up.

Not saying you are doing anything wrong...
Nor that that is anywhere close to his reasoning...

Just that there are many a way looking at the issues at hand... and good sides.

But nah: you having & showing emotions isn't doing wrong, don't take that blame.

And two, feeling abandoned is very real but not the same as being abandoned... and lack of comms in some lifestyles means absolutely jack about affection changing. Just lack of comms. Can't or won't but not don't wanna talk.

Hi Ronin and thanks for taking the time to reply. But to clarify, he did not tell me about the job first, in fact it seemed clear that I wasn't first. What pissed me off most was that he was so gleeful about it, but with no hey, I'm sorry I've been out of comms for 10 weeks and thanks for supporting me on this way mega stressful career journey over 4 years, here's a phone call to share the bliss, noooo.....not a chance.

I'm exhausted from the mood swings, whether I'm contacted late at night nearly or fully with him suicidal, or this time, manic happy ex post facto....I feel just caught up under the wagon wheels. Not important, just incidental. He doesn't at all seem to want my help, anyone's help....

As far as texting positive things for my "biweekly reach out and be positive program," I suppose you could be right, I have no idea any more what I should do. For all I know he isn't even depressed but packing to move away to who knows where the job is sending him that he hasn't shared because I'm not on the radar.

Aside from that, I have to be honest, I'm really not seeing the upside of any of this. Can't or won't but not don't want to talk....I have no idea after no 4 months of not hearing his voice and now more than two months of no text from him after I shared my truth.

 

[Ronin]

Ah yeah, I was originally reading him as just normal working, but sounds he's not main that, but mistreating you and also using work to hurt you which waay different thing. :( My sympathies.

Do you plan on staying in that relationship?

 

[Sweetpea76]

@WinterCricket it would probably be more helpful to start your own thread for relationship issues... this one is more for the sufferers to share their thoughts.

 

[WinterCricket]

Wait...what??

He didn't talk to you for 10 weeks, then told you he landed his dream job and will be moving across the country AND he isn't doing any kind of therapy?

Yes -you have every right to be upset and to tell him that you are. Because while it may be symptoms of ptsd there is a lot of just plain being an asshat. I know we get forgiven for a lot of bad behavior but this situation is going to have to be solved by your boundaries - not his ptsd.

If you are ok with this being how your relationship works? Then it's ok- Because it's your choice. But if you are unhappy with being treated like this it's also ok to tell him he needs to at least attempt to show up and be counted as a part of your life

He may not be able to give you what you need -- and I think you've been very patient with him. Maybe it's time for you to take a break from him and give yourself a chance to regroup.

Therapy is a must if he is going to be a part of a relationship. If he's not willing to do that then how can he be willing to do the work to be who you deserve? I'm not sure if the supporters would all agree on that but it might be a good question for them. How long will they stay with someone who treats them like this? How many more chances would they give?

As for this.....

This is actually pretty easy for many of us with ptsd. I did it for decades because it's a great way to not have to face the demons. I could keep my mind busy because I was constantly under life or death pressure. But. When it all came crashing down? I lost that ability and the demons broke through and broke my concentration. So you are right...it's a bitch to do treatment and high stress work at the same time. It can be done but it ain't easy.

Hi @Freida - Is it weird that I'm so relieved to see your reply? Anyone's reply but mostly from you, thank you!

You are 100% right about immersing in a high stress job to avoid the demons, I totally see him doing that! It's the only thing he excels at or does at all really.....I so wish it would crash down in one way or another to get him to finally stick with treatment and stop limping. I'm so over macho I don't-need-help Marine crap.

Your note also makes me wonder if I'm totally going the wrong way with the happy biweekly text campaign.....I may just be enabling him and accepting shitty treatment by thinking that under what looks like public success he's feeling depressed/anxious and I should be supporting him. I'm starting to wonder if he's just a man machine who's killed too much, seen too much and doesn't feel more than a shockwave now and then and that's what I'm holding on to. Like many others, I can't forget the man but I fear a part of I'm is so damaged it can't be fixed.

Clarifying the back story: During the original 10 weeks back in Sept Oct when he slid off the map - my earlier post angst, I'd sent him a couple of encouraging texts in Sept with no replies. One was his bday and the other, the night before his big interview for that job he got. In early Nov I sent a quick hey I hope all's well and that's when I got the text news from him that he'd gotten the big job.

That's where it picks up with me getting peeved after he acted as though no time had gone by, even calling me my pet name, say what, apology please, something - 10 weeks. He didn't tell me then he was moving across country, that was something I remembered that he'd told me earlier; if he got the job he'd probably be put on the opposite coast as a junior base. I don't know what's going on, he's silent, checked out.....just think in late August, I thought things were getting on track once and for all, we were better than ever, talking about moving in then shazaam enter ptsd, or whatever this is, yet again.

You're so right, Freida, I have been patient, have read, have listened, lost sleep, cried, wondered, supported, showed up all night, sent gifts at holidays he's avoided (including this one) and ducked out on, tried and suffered as every single symptom of combat ptsd manifested - over and over and over again, I have no idea how many times truly.

I feel as though I'm being punished for sticking up for myself now, granted I did text a little too much at him in Nov with too many questions and in the wrong tone, but dang, I'm sick of this no accountability, no comms, no apology, no hope, it goes on and on. It feels like it's over every time and the cycle continues when he crawls back when "it's safe" or he has another meltdown. I give, he feels better for a few days or if I'm lucky a whole month, and buh-bye!

Perhaps a break is best, boundaries definitely. I thought I was doing the right thing with the positive texts but maybe not? I seriously have no f-ing idea at this point when to support and when to be firm.....This is the line we walk as supporters, when to be firm and when is silence coming from them truly suffering and in need of real help and kindness? Freida thoughts?

Yes, I am very unhappy, no I don't want to live like this anymore, and it's very possible that I've been ghosted for good anyway so I don't know how to enforce boundaries except to go silent too, which feels wrong but maybe he doesn't even notice, not kidding. Or shall I send a note stating it firmly? What might those words look like to be most effective?.... I texted 6 weeks ago to please express yes or no on whether he wanted to go our own ways, and he simply refuses to reply to anything even to break up with some grace. Yes or no, simple stuff....

I miss him without all this acting out but agree, without consistent counseling, he's probably going to continue to act like an insane person and hurt others, for sure me. How do I draw the line, protect myself and encourage a healthy him?

I'm sorry for the disorganized thoughts....I'm exhausted. Thanks in advance all and wishing you peace at these holidays, xoxo

 

[WinterCricket]

@WinterCricket it would probably be more helpful to start your own thread for relationship issues... this one is more for the sufferers to share their thoughts.

With all due respect @Sweetpea76 - That doesn't sound completely correct. @Freida 's original thread starter on page one says as below my sign off line here. It asked for supporter thoughts on ghosting etc. She asked to know what supporters are thinking and feeling when it happens. I think I am providing that information and my correspondence with Freida has been valuable to me, and I hope in some way to her.

I don't have the energy to start a new thread right now and appreciate Freida and the others I've met here.

Merry xmas to you Sweetpea.

I've answered quite a few questions recently about why people with PTSD ghost and I thought this might be a helpful idea.....

I have an anniversary coming up and I can already tell that sticking around is going to be problematic. I'm thinking that sharing some of my feelings, as they are happening, might give supporters an idea what is going on in a sufferer's head when they suddenly bail. In return, I'm hoping to get a better understanding of what supporters are thinking and feeling when it happens and maybe get some ideas on making life easier for those around me.

You can ask me questions along the way, but I may or may not answer. It will depend on where I'm at in my brain. And I'll say right up front that I may become a defensive beotch trying to explain what I'm thinking so I'll apologize in advance. I'm also kind of hoping other sufferers might join me along the way and offer their thoughts.

 

[LuckiLee]

This may come across as mean but here goes....

If I was in your situation @WinterCricket after 10 weeks of no contact I'd take it as he broke up with me and move on. It seems like he has. We deserve better.

I had to go through some of your older posts to familiarize myself with your situation and it seems he's been "isolating" the whole time you have been on the forum. A year.

He isn't even kind enough to answer any of your texts. Do you actually consider this a relationship? It's incredibly one sided.

He isn't ready to face his trauma so he is avoiding it with his career. This is HIS choice. You don't have to like it but you do have to accept it.

I know you're hurting but at this point you're hurting yourself by trying desperately to hold on. Why?

Good luck and I hope you find some way to let go.

(Take what works and leave the rest.)

 

[Sweetpea76]

@WinterCricket , @Freida said she may or may not answer questions about isolating... meaning general questions about a sufferer’s thought process. This is a very unique thread in the supporter section. It is the only one here geared towards sufferer input, which is part of the reason it has so many replies. We try to keep it focused on that. Ask questions if you have them, or make general comments, but this is not the place to get help with your specific relationship. The whole rest of the section is for personal issues.

Keep this post on topic.