SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
In many practical terms, like holidays, and health issues. But also, I seem to be really easily triggered this week and all by things I have no control over. For example I got a call from collection agency today. It was about a bill I was behind on, but then last month I paid half and am supposed to pay half in January to settle it. As they had told me that was okay, I paid the first part to the usual account to which I pay my monthly bill, but it turns out that was the wrong account. Meaning...I have no idea where that money is and I still owe the full amount, it's a mess. And one I can't afford to settle by New Year as they wanted. Which is all fine and good, I know there are such situations and I made a list of all the next steps I need to take to resolve it- some for this week and some after New Year.
But the thing is, the person calling was quite rude and almost yelling on the phone, annoyed at how long the call was taking. Which- okay, I get it, it's holidays, his job is probably stressful. But for a moment he sounded angry at me and something in me snapped.
Next thing I know I'm all hypervigilant and having anxiety attack or dissociating or whatever you call it. I had to go get groceries and I find myself walking slower, feeling like I'm sleepwalking and everything is blurring. Suddenly I can't string full sentences together, I can't think, I can't breathe and for the next several hours the only way I am doing things is if I write them down and break them into mini tasks and then take breaks between tasks. Like, if I have to go out to the printing place, it's not a task of 'go to printing place' but rather 'put files on usb, gather documents to copy, go to printing shop'. Suddenly I'm doing dishes by 1-2 at a time, cleaning by mini tasks and things like shower and house chores are only happening if I add them in my todo list. And every sound is too loud, lights are too bright and I am all detached and jumpy, both feeling like I'm dreaming but also hyperaware of all around me. I have a roommate and I am usually fine with that. But today she's home from work and I can barely cope with myself let alone other people so I'm working in my room. And she's been having guest the past couple of hours and I can vaguely hear them talking and even that is too intrusive. So I'm trying to work. In bed. Under 2 blankets. I'm all cold and jumpy and hyper from anxiety. I am only grateful that I've felt such weeks before and such moments and I know they pass. And I know that mini tasks are better than doing nothing. But nevertheless, this is an awful feeling.
So...so here I am. I know probably most people are celebrating today and I don't want to burden anyone. It's just a hard day is all.
But the thing is, the person calling was quite rude and almost yelling on the phone, annoyed at how long the call was taking. Which- okay, I get it, it's holidays, his job is probably stressful. But for a moment he sounded angry at me and something in me snapped.
Next thing I know I'm all hypervigilant and having anxiety attack or dissociating or whatever you call it. I had to go get groceries and I find myself walking slower, feeling like I'm sleepwalking and everything is blurring. Suddenly I can't string full sentences together, I can't think, I can't breathe and for the next several hours the only way I am doing things is if I write them down and break them into mini tasks and then take breaks between tasks. Like, if I have to go out to the printing place, it's not a task of 'go to printing place' but rather 'put files on usb, gather documents to copy, go to printing shop'. Suddenly I'm doing dishes by 1-2 at a time, cleaning by mini tasks and things like shower and house chores are only happening if I add them in my todo list. And every sound is too loud, lights are too bright and I am all detached and jumpy, both feeling like I'm dreaming but also hyperaware of all around me. I have a roommate and I am usually fine with that. But today she's home from work and I can barely cope with myself let alone other people so I'm working in my room. And she's been having guest the past couple of hours and I can vaguely hear them talking and even that is too intrusive. So I'm trying to work. In bed. Under 2 blankets. I'm all cold and jumpy and hyper from anxiety. I am only grateful that I've felt such weeks before and such moments and I know they pass. And I know that mini tasks are better than doing nothing. But nevertheless, this is an awful feeling.
So...so here I am. I know probably most people are celebrating today and I don't want to burden anyone. It's just a hard day is all.
