Friend who doesn’t understand trauma, called the police on me...

[Friday]

The tone of this post is not helpful.

I regret doing so when I get that kind of response.

This should be a safe place. Not a shaming place.

If you’re getting stressed out or upset by some posts or some members? My advice would be to skip over those posts, and come back to them later, if you like (or not). Sometimes, what’s not helpful now is helpful later, sometimes it isn’t. Just because someone is trying to be helpful doesn’t mean that it will resonate with you, or that you’ll find it useful.

Community Personality - Community Constitution
MyPTSD's personality ranges widely within a candid, empathetic, challenging, yet supportive membership. Diversity is the spice of life, and this community respects diverse opinions. A community philosophy often read here is "use what helps you, and ignore the rest."

 

[EveHarrington]

At no point did I say that I am a huge drinker. I provided an honest context (from that night) that I had two glasses of wine when my friend called. If anything, it is my friend that is all about drinking and I was the one that was there for HER when she had little kids. You said that I was drowning out my sorrows by drinking. That was really not accurate or constructive.

You may think that it’s ok to drink while dealing with ptsd, but a normie you are not. MAAAAAANY people with ptsd cannot have any alcohol. I happen to be one of them. (And no I’m not a recovering addict.) So yeah, you may think it’s JUST two glasses but you were dissociated which means the effects were most likely a bit more. Your defensiveness toward the alcohol issue tells me that you’re likely in denial on some level. I’m not saying you’re an alcoholic. What I AM saying is that you need to take a good long look at the role that alcohol plays in your life. And if you refuse to do this? Dare I say you are just using a maladaptive coping skill and you’re still not ready to heal.

Maybe this sounds harsh, but I see it in other realms of illness, too, where people don’t want to do the hard stuff in order to get better.

It is what it is. So ask yourself, is that alcohol actually worth it?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

“Oh, I haven’t had time to be present for many weeks and I’m just going to slider her off to the police so they can help her because it’s too much for me.

Bolded for emphasis.

If she honestly thought you were suicidal, that could very likely be too much for her. Not all are equipped to deal with someone suicidal and know where that line is to call 911. She's not a therapist and if you didn't communicate your illness, what it looks like, and how she could be of help without emergency services involved, that is on you, not her. She did what she thought right, as a non-trained person. I'd thank her and then educate her if you'd like her to be able to be there for you in the future. If not, I'd thank her then keep her more in the dark about your illness. Most people I know, know nothing of my illness because they don't understand those things so I keep them 100% in the dark.

Edited to add: Also, if I am doing bad, I don't answer the phone. I might text, I might not. But there is family that has known me my entire life that would freak if they heard me in disocciation or during a flashback. So, I just don't answer the phone. Plus, its hard to talk and stuff during that anyway.

I don't think 20 yrs says anything. Again, family that has known me 38 yrs and have no idea who I actually am. That said, it is on you to either fully keep them in the dark of PTSD and trauma or communicate what you actually need and what helps.

 

[MlleD]

If you’re getting stressed out or upset by some posts or some members? My advice would be to skip over those posts, and come back to them later, if you like (or not). Sometimes, what’s not helpful now is helpful later, sometimes it isn’t. Just because someone is trying to be helpful doesn’t mean that it will resonate with you, or that you’ll find it useful.

Exactly. I won’t be back. I regret coming onto this site.

 

[MlleD]

You may think that it’s ok to drink while dealing with ptsd, but a normie you are not. MAAAAAANY people with ptsd cannot have any alcohol. I happen to be one of them. (And no I’m not a recovering addict.) So yeah, you may think it’s JUST two glasses but you were dissociated which means the effects were most likely a bit more. Your defensiveness toward the alcohol issue tells me that you’re likely in denial on some level. I’m not saying you’re an alcoholic. What I AM saying is that you need to take a good long look at the role that alcohol plays in your life. And if you refuse to do this? Dare I say you are just using a maladaptive coping skill and you’re still not ready to heal.

Maybe this sounds harsh, but I see it in other realms of illness, too, where people don’t want to do the hard stuff in order to get better.

It is what it is. So ask yourself, is that alcohol actually worth it?

Jumping to conclusions is not helpful.

 

[Jade-]

Exactly. I won’t be back. I regret coming onto this site.

I've been there and have said that. I understand exactly how it feels when you're really distraught about something and get responses that make you feel worse.

It usually is better to just step away,at least for awhile.Then once calmed down re-read all the responses and take in what's helpful and overlook the rest.

It's hard to remember that people are posting from their own level of conciousness/perceptions/experiences and are unable to see things from your point of view.

I can understand why you're so upset with your friend.About a year ago I was telling my closet friend (thought was my closet friend) that I needed to go to the hospital because of how I was feeling and what I was going through and she just didn't seem to care and wasn't there for me at all.I broke off the friendship after that,I need friends that have my back not ones that turn their back. And the sad thing is I had been there for her, even through her suicide attempts and hospitalizations and she was well aware of my issues and my struggles. I did discuss it with her,just a few months ago and she denied I even reached out to her at all so we won't be fixing our friendship.Maybe you just need to decide whether you need that kind of friend?

 

[grit]

Two issues:
You know her a long time but you do not trust her.
You were in a bad situation where the police could have taken you if you were alone.

Separate the two events when you are at your most integrated and the solution will be obvious.

 

[Justmehere]

It's ok to be mad and feel whatever you feel about your friend, the police, peers... I hear you that it's a struggle to feel safe and you feel as though an unspoken boundary of yours was violated by your friend. It strikes me that maybe some of this anger is part of a fight or flight response to the original trauma.

I have a very short list of friends I speak to when triggered and in a dark place, and a much longer list of friends and others I do not ever interact with when triggered. I will not answer their calls or spend time with them when in a rough place... because it's me taking care of me. I know they are not someone who can handle my trauma and symptoms in a way that is helpful to me. Sure, I get annoyed at times, but they don't need to be shamed and blamed for it, as they all have their own reasons why they can't just go there (lack of training, info, ability, their own trauma, etc.)

I have point blank expressed a plan to die while dissociative and then come out of it and totally didn't remember I said it even minutes later. I knew only because I recorded myself. When I came out of it, I was totally sure I wasn't suicidal. For whatever reason, your friend and the police were unconvinced by your actions that you were not safe enough to be alone and felt you needed someone there to make sure you'd stay alive. Fair and accurate? maybe not. But she did not intend harm to you, only good, even if she totally missed the ball. I've also been on the other side of a friend in great despair and not acting typical, and struggled with how to handle the situation (and I have a ton of training unlike most.) I've also had friends die who made passive suicidal and active statements that no one took seriously and didn't call for a welfare check... they called the police only they failed to show up for work, only to find their bodies...

I'd be more worried if your friend blew you off entirely. She did what she knew to do. Maybe she needs some more tools to be a better supporter.

I guess I might not feel as angry if I felt like she had made a stronger effort to actually be there for me as a friend, with compassion. For me, it felt like “Oh, I haven’t had time to be present for many weeks and I’m just going to slider her off to the police so they can help her because it’s too much for me.”

This might be a really good thing to talk to her about. It's ok to be angry you don't have the support you need, but be careful about who is the enemy. I have to remind myself of this. I get spooked by friends trying to help the best they know. Most people need to be taught how to help. Some are willing to learn, and those that are not, I can quickly move on from.

I have talked with my therapist about it. I will brainstorm some ideas with her guidance about how to develop a plan that I can share with loved ones that honors the relationship and all involved.

This is excellent! I hope it helps. I hope she turns out to be a friend who is willing to learn how to better support you through the hell that is PTSD.

 

[EveHarrington]

Jumping to conclusions is not helpful.

I didn’t jump to any “conclusion” which actually tells me I’m right. You’re defensive and shut down and refuse to actually listen to anyone who doesn’t agree with you.

 

[joeylittle]

The OP has taken a break from the site - I'm seeing a lot of piling-on here, no need for it to continue. Thanks.

 

[AnxiousAmber]

I had the police called on me by am academic WhatsApp group on a post graduate mental health degree because I was articulating despair. It made me angry and I was irritated and it was total strangers. At the same time I understand that most people haven't got a clue about what CPTSD does to someone when they are unwell. We can be drowning in darkness and trauma without being suicidal. Most people don't understand that depth if pain nor how someone can live with it, but we do and must. I accepted that these people just didn't know what to do and this was all they could think of. We can't determine how others react to our illness nor how they will try to help. It might be difficult to accept the lack of knowledge other people have but they are not responsible for knowing what we go through, though they are responsible for how they react to us. I can understand your anger and frustration at your friend. If you miss your friend maybe give them a chance to talk to you. A 20 year friendship is not lightly lost, if you don't miss that friend then move on as best you can but accept you will grieve that friendship. I am emerging from a 7 month nervous breakdown and I lost a lot of people that I assumed were friends because they are only interested in knowing me when I am well and that makes me very angry. I have cut those people out of my life and i intend to invest my energy in myself, my dogs, my partner and my future and i am trying not to let the resentment and disappointment consume me. Good luck xxx

 

[Mach123]

I learned a lot reading this. I like and don't like how it makes me feel. Everyone said things that were wrong but even that's not right. Idk exactly what wrong means? Something about boundaries, I feel I'm bouncing off boundaries. If it means "sides" I don't wanna be on a side but I'm tribal and you guys are my side or Id feel disloyal lol. Happy New year!