Hello,
I am so thankful to have found this forum. My husband was involved in a fatal car accident a year ago where a child died. He was not at fault and is not being charged with anything. He went to one counseling appt, a few days after the accident but the therapist told him it was too soon. Unfortunately he has never gone back, figuring he could deal with this on his own. Because he hasn't been back, he hasn't officially been diagnosed with PTSD but for the past year I have done tons of reading and it seems to me that is what is going on. I know I'm not supposed to make that diagnosis but I needed to make some sense of what was happening in our lives and everything just points to PTSD.
We managed to get through most of 2019 with good days and some very bad days, but working together. I thought the relationship was stronger than ever. At the beginning of December the police came to our house to let him know that the investigation was over and that there would be no charges, it was just a terrible tragedy. My husband has said multiple times he thinks this would be easier if he had to go to jail. We have known the whole time there wouldn't be any charges but it wasn't official until last month. The police also let my husband know that when they left our house they were going to talk to the parents and let them know. Nothing has been the same since that visit. He was devastated that the parents were going to have to hear this information at a time when they were probably already feeling extremely emotional with Christmas only 3 weeks away and the anniversary of the accident just over a month away.
As the holidays got closer, he was withdrawing from me, spending more time alone in the garage, drinking more, less affectionate, but after the police visit, he totally withdrew from me. I tried to remain calm about it but I was feeling scared and lonely and one night, 10 days before Christmas, I told him how unhappy I was with what was happening. We got into a small fight and went to sleep. When we woke up in the morning he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, that he didn't love me anymore. He did change that up to say he didn't mean to say that but he was unhappy. We have had some issues throughout our relationship that we never dealt with but on a whole we had a very good and loving relationship. The best of friends who really enjoyed our time together, for the most part. He said these issues were the reason why it was over. I asked him to get counseling before he made this decision as this may not be what he really wants. 3 weeks prior to this he was telling me how happy he was on how well we worked as a team... He did agree to counseling, saying he has finally realized that he needs help but he can't work on himself and us at the same time. I agreed to a "break" in the relationship while we both worked on ourselves. I immediately started counseling to deal with everything that has happened the past year and work on some of the things that have been part of our relationship for many years. He hasn't started yet... He said its too hard to talk about right now during the holidays, etc. He has barely talked to anyone about this, basically keeping it a secret and asked the same of me. I did respect his wishes besides family and a few close friends so we have basically been going through this all alone. He has only talked to me about the accident 3 times this whole year. It took him 9 months to tell me some of the details that are causing nightmares and heartache.
Neither of us have moved out, but we are no longer sleeping in the same room and the only affection over the past 3 weeks have been a few long hugs on Christmas, New Years Eve and the day of the anniversary. He was not himself all through the Christmas holidays, very very sad and quiet. There were a few nights that I could tell he was very upset but there was nothing I could do as he just wanted to be alone. We both have slowed down on the drinking as we realized how much that was happening and not helping but those nights he wanted to be alone all he wanted to do was have some drinks to numb his pain.
For the most part, we have been getting along just fine since our break started but I find the past week I am feeling very lonely. The night of the accident anniversary, he spent in the garage having drinks while I was inside crying myself to sleep. This past year has been tough on me as well and the one person I needed isn't available to me right now. I'm struggling with not knowing what to do in this situation. Is this something that anyone else has experienced. Could it be related to his trauma? Do I hold on, trying to keep the peace, deal with my loneliness, continue counseling and hope he comes out of this fog or do I move on. I love him so much and I know he still loves me. When I asked him before Christmas (before we agreed on the break and not ending it completely yet) when we were going to tell the kids ( we have 2 teenagers) because we needed to make some decisions about one of us moving out, the look of pain on his face was very apparent when he was confronted with us actually not being together anymore. He has been very kind, but totally shuts down if I show that I am struggling with this and ask questions about us. He also pushes me away when his pain is too much when hes thinking about the family of the child. I told him today I was struggling with feeling lonely, sad and scared and now he wont answer my texts.
I am so thankful to have found this forum. My husband was involved in a fatal car accident a year ago where a child died. He was not at fault and is not being charged with anything. He went to one counseling appt, a few days after the accident but the therapist told him it was too soon. Unfortunately he has never gone back, figuring he could deal with this on his own. Because he hasn't been back, he hasn't officially been diagnosed with PTSD but for the past year I have done tons of reading and it seems to me that is what is going on. I know I'm not supposed to make that diagnosis but I needed to make some sense of what was happening in our lives and everything just points to PTSD.
We managed to get through most of 2019 with good days and some very bad days, but working together. I thought the relationship was stronger than ever. At the beginning of December the police came to our house to let him know that the investigation was over and that there would be no charges, it was just a terrible tragedy. My husband has said multiple times he thinks this would be easier if he had to go to jail. We have known the whole time there wouldn't be any charges but it wasn't official until last month. The police also let my husband know that when they left our house they were going to talk to the parents and let them know. Nothing has been the same since that visit. He was devastated that the parents were going to have to hear this information at a time when they were probably already feeling extremely emotional with Christmas only 3 weeks away and the anniversary of the accident just over a month away.
As the holidays got closer, he was withdrawing from me, spending more time alone in the garage, drinking more, less affectionate, but after the police visit, he totally withdrew from me. I tried to remain calm about it but I was feeling scared and lonely and one night, 10 days before Christmas, I told him how unhappy I was with what was happening. We got into a small fight and went to sleep. When we woke up in the morning he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, that he didn't love me anymore. He did change that up to say he didn't mean to say that but he was unhappy. We have had some issues throughout our relationship that we never dealt with but on a whole we had a very good and loving relationship. The best of friends who really enjoyed our time together, for the most part. He said these issues were the reason why it was over. I asked him to get counseling before he made this decision as this may not be what he really wants. 3 weeks prior to this he was telling me how happy he was on how well we worked as a team... He did agree to counseling, saying he has finally realized that he needs help but he can't work on himself and us at the same time. I agreed to a "break" in the relationship while we both worked on ourselves. I immediately started counseling to deal with everything that has happened the past year and work on some of the things that have been part of our relationship for many years. He hasn't started yet... He said its too hard to talk about right now during the holidays, etc. He has barely talked to anyone about this, basically keeping it a secret and asked the same of me. I did respect his wishes besides family and a few close friends so we have basically been going through this all alone. He has only talked to me about the accident 3 times this whole year. It took him 9 months to tell me some of the details that are causing nightmares and heartache.
Neither of us have moved out, but we are no longer sleeping in the same room and the only affection over the past 3 weeks have been a few long hugs on Christmas, New Years Eve and the day of the anniversary. He was not himself all through the Christmas holidays, very very sad and quiet. There were a few nights that I could tell he was very upset but there was nothing I could do as he just wanted to be alone. We both have slowed down on the drinking as we realized how much that was happening and not helping but those nights he wanted to be alone all he wanted to do was have some drinks to numb his pain.
For the most part, we have been getting along just fine since our break started but I find the past week I am feeling very lonely. The night of the accident anniversary, he spent in the garage having drinks while I was inside crying myself to sleep. This past year has been tough on me as well and the one person I needed isn't available to me right now. I'm struggling with not knowing what to do in this situation. Is this something that anyone else has experienced. Could it be related to his trauma? Do I hold on, trying to keep the peace, deal with my loneliness, continue counseling and hope he comes out of this fog or do I move on. I love him so much and I know he still loves me. When I asked him before Christmas (before we agreed on the break and not ending it completely yet) when we were going to tell the kids ( we have 2 teenagers) because we needed to make some decisions about one of us moving out, the look of pain on his face was very apparent when he was confronted with us actually not being together anymore. He has been very kind, but totally shuts down if I show that I am struggling with this and ask questions about us. He also pushes me away when his pain is too much when hes thinking about the family of the child. I told him today I was struggling with feeling lonely, sad and scared and now he wont answer my texts.
