General Little sympathy towards women

[Never_falter2]

I think my vet expects nothing but stupidness from some people. I think he has the core belief/cognitive distortion “everybody but me is a bleeding fool“/“I am surrounded by idiots“ (one typical thing my vet always says “does one have to deal with only bleeding fools here?“ - but he doesn’t tell them, he tells me how idiotic they are)... and because he is already expecting this from them he doesn’t get overly angry at them for acting like idiots because e expected them to act like this before. Know what I mean? A bit difficult to explain if this is not your native language.
So he feels like he must always protect everybody because they are not only weak but also idiotic (I far that includes me too - but sometimes when drunk he tries to teach me things so maybe I am not as much as an idiot as others). However my vet often feels responsible for everything and this is a very bad way to feel and it is better to just get angry at people, know what I mean?

 

[LuckiLee]

I know exactly what you mean. That's the whole reason he couldn't work with civilians. It was way too stressful for him to deal with their laziness and foolishness.

 

[Never_falter2]

My vet is much happier now in his work place then he used to be, one reason is that there are vets working under him now which didn’t use to be the case in the past (he had a say in having them hired) and the other reason is that he got them work together as a team now. But he used to be very unhappy because they weren’t cooperating as a team, had no trust in the other, didn’t exchange ideas, Yep and were also lazy which he blamed on himself, but he made them into a team.
But he still has those ideas like everybody-is-an-idiot-I-must-Safe-them, that made him feel suicidal I the passt because he felt so responsible. Now he doesn’t feel suicidal anymore but still has those ideas.

Bit like carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders know what I mean?

 

[frogthroat]

Get away and cut all contact with him. Anyone who blames the opposite gender for everything has serious self reflection that needs to be done. You don't have to be judgemental about it. Also, maybe take some time to ask yourself why you feel like you have to put up with a person like this. Hanging around out of pity won't do him any good and PTSD isn't an excuse for bad behavior.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Anyone who blames the opposite gender for everything has serious self reflection that needs to be done.

That is not what the OP is saying.

often calling women 'weak'

This ^^^ is what the OP said, and it is a stressor with some combat vets... which makes perfect sense given that type of trauma. Physically weak/mentally weak/overly-emotional = death.

This may be sexist and stereotypical, but it’s not misogynistic or hating on all women.

 

[frogthroat]

This may be sexist and stereotypical, but it’s not misogynistic or hating on all women.

Then what is it then? Call a spade a spade. Even if it is because of a stressor it still is what it is.

 

[Never_falter2]

Then what is it then? Call a spade a spade. Even if it is because of a stressor it still is what it is.

Its being traumatized and being confronted with a trigger.

What if a woman was in an abusive marriage and was triggered by physically strong men now. Would you also call her sexist?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Because they’re not saying they hate or dislike women, or that they don’t want women around, or that they want to hurt women etc. It’s not malicious towards females. It’s more about security threats than gender.

If you would have bothered to read the thread instead of getting wrapped up in YOUR feelings about gender you would have seen this.

This is the supporter area, this is not the place to be reactive.

 

[Never_falter2]

Ny vet actually thinks very highly of women. He holds them in much higher regard than men. This is the reason why he dislikes the idea of women being in harms way and why he acts paternalistic towards them.

He also holds civvies in high regard, he just things that they are a bit idiotic but he doesn’t think that this is their fault. He thinks that they just ARE that way and nobody can be blamed for that.

 

[frogthroat]

What if a woman was in an abusive marriage and was triggered by physically strong men now. Would you also call her sexist?

Yes. Everyone is responsible for themselves. You can't play victim in any situation.

If you would have bothered to read the thread instead of getting wrapped up in YOUR feelings about gender you would have seen this.

This is the supporter area, this is not the place to be reactive.

It's fine that you don't agree with me but calling me reactive is a bit much. It seems like maybe you're the one who has strong feelings about this. I was making an observation based on the information that was posted here. Feel free to disregard my input if you find it upsetting.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Like I said, not the place to be reactive about personal issues. Anybody making this a thing about gender will receive a thread ban.

 

[Friday]

@Friday: Aren’t you a woman?

Yep! :sneaky:

Also a combat vet, & military brat*

* (American English, neutral/fact, not pejorative. Term for children of active duty personnel who move with them from base to base to base. Which is why most of my childhood was spent abroad).

Guess it's about managing my expectations as to what reaction I'll get to certain situations.

Maybe? You could also try turning it around. Instead of sharing how horrible, scary, unfair, etc. the situation your friend went through was? (And expecting him to agree with you, which, for sure is managing expectations) ...You might try sharing how well she did, and how proud you are of her. And any other kudos/compliments you might have (like if she’s really strong, or has a great sense of humor about it, or is too sweet natured to let some asshole bring her down, or whatever it is that you admire about how she handled herself in the moment, or afterward.) Because she’s not dead, she got away, which is also a story worth sharing. Same situation, but one story is asking someone to get all weepy in shared emotions, and the other is asking them to get fierce.

Get soft & squidy with me -vs- get excited & strong with me.

As different as venting -vs- problem solving

All 4 have their place, but most people have a well worn path to 1 of them, and have to practice the others. Interacting with him might be a good place to practice getting fierce proud, with.

He gets so angry if I put the phone down and if I don't retaliate its a 'you don't like hearing the truth' blah blah blah. Sometimes he's aware of it and will later apologise, sometimes he doesn't.

:wtf:

Personally? I go toe to toe with people when they’re being assholes... which is NOT recommended supporter-practice (but I also don’t mind being knocked on my ass, and have no compunction about knocking them on theirs.) So take this with a grain of salt. Or a margaritas worth.

in the moment: (IDFK how many times I’ve said some version of this. Lots.)
I have no problem with the truth. I have a problem with someone using the truth to be an asshole. Back up and try again, without being a prick this time, or back your shit down, motherf*cker. Unsat.

In a quiet moment:
If you’re gonna be a dick? It doesn’t matter whether it’s the truth or a lie, because you’re being a dick. Pick up ANY weapon and come at me, and I’m gonna be pissed off. Whether it’s true or not doesn’t matter. You deliberately chose to attack me with it. That’s not gonna play. I will call you out on it (or walk away) each and every single time, until it’s one time too many, and then we’re done. Because I don’t do betrayal, and you are coming waaaaay too close to that line. Nose it often enough, and its as bad as crossing it. You wanna have a discussion about a hard truth? Bring it to the table. Don’t use it as a weapon. That simple.

if I cry about anything whether it's heartbreak or about my Dad leaving, then I'm a nightmare because I'm a woman.

So... My sister is one of those people you can’t tell if she stubbed her toe, or broke her arm; or if a date was rescheduled or her boyfriend was just killed. She has 1 mode. Something goes wrong? She’s bawling. And she pretty much wants the same amount of attention / stop the world whether it’s a 2 (stubbed toe) or 10 (death of her beloved).

So I basically just ignore her, when she’s being emotional. Because it’s all the same, I can’t parse it. As kids I tried to set her straight, and she tried to set me straight, and by the time we hit adulthood we agreed to disagree.

I love her to bits.

But I’m not the person she calls when she needs 4 hours of handholding, a pint of Häagen Dazs & 2 boxes of tissues. She has girlfriends for that. Thank. God.

I’m the person she calls when her house has been broken into, or she needs to brainstorm solutions, or to go on a road trip, or thrash apart a book we just read, or someone needs to be called on the carpet, or she needs someone to tell her how capable she it (I need an “You’ve got this. By someone who believes it.” <<< has been a call I’ve gotten on maaaaaany occasions... without any preamble. No. Idea. what the situation is she’s supposed to be on top of. And don’t need to know. Because I know HER. And whatever she sets herself at? She’ll totally triumph over. “f*ck yeah, you’ve got this, chica. Give ‘em hell.”)

Sometimes? A person needs a pint of Häagen Dazs, a box of tissues, and a Sympathetic ear.

Sometimes? A person needs to be believed in.

My sister and I work... because we quit trying to change each other, and accept the strengths each has to offer, on tap. LOL...and walk about 3 miles arooooound the parts of the other that drive us crazy. I have guy friends if I wanna be told to suck it up and walk it off or teased out of a bad mood. She has girlfriends for tea and sympathy. We don’t need to be each other’s everything to still love each other, and be there for each other. It’s more of a “don’t call the police if your house is on fire”.