What do you do when someone gets you a gift that shows they haven't listened to anything that you said?

[ms spock]

What do you do when someone gets you a gift that shows they haven't listened to anything that you said? What do you do when all you want to do is cry because you have made it very clear that you didn't want any non native species in your gardens but to only grown Koala trees but they get you the only one that doesn't do that?

We haven't been anywhere for months. No where and B goes and buys me a tree is gone for hours and we could have gone somewhere and but instead he got in his mind a present that shows he doesn't listen to anything that I am saying?

Do I have to polite?
Can I cry?
Can I get in the car and just drive away for a few days?

Am I just totally f*cked up as a person?

Do I just shut myself down again?

If I don't shut myself down what do I do cry out the back on my own?

I was so excited when he said he was getting me a present and I shouldn't have gotten excited. Why do I expect things? Why does it hurt so much not to be heard?

I could have gone places and done things this today. I needed the bigger car to transport the branches and logs for the animals.

I am trying to weep a bit and get it under control.

I said i am very confused why he would get me this gift and he said because it is a beautiful tree.

 

[Friday]

TRY... really, really hard, not to assign deeper meaning and catastrophize.

He wanted to get you something beautiful.

 

[Ronin]

That.

I smile, thank them for the gift, then deal with my reaction to it weeell away from them / on my own, and keep in mind that is just my reaction.

No way meaning a thing about them.
Just that they care.
And I'm sensitive at the moment.

 

[Sideways]

i am very confused why

I used to not be a green thumb. Couldn't tell one plant from another. And although I've done a lot of study and know a fair bit about it now, I know that for a lot of people, it's waaaaay beyond them. Knowing which species are native may be something you can read on the tag or ask the person at the nursery, but knowing which ones are specifically food trees for koalas? That's specialist knowledge, very easy to get wrong.

Even an exotic species, it may still have the potential to bring a tonne of beneficials into your yard, which can still be a good thing for rebuilding the environment. My mum's crepe myrtle is like that.

I know that my folks? Are now so nervous about buying me the wrong plant that the best I get is Bunnings vouchers (and no, Bunnings don't stock the varieties of heliconia I'm looking for, and anything else? Is not a satisfactory substitute - which is my issue, rather than theirs).

It's a sign that the person understands that you want to build your garden, and add more trees. But beyond that they don't have the required knowledge to get it right. So trying to get you a present that relates to something they know is important to you, just not having the specialist knowledge really get it right.

 

[Friday]

Ctd...

One of my more famous meltdowns... 1 of only 7 times I’d cried in my adult life... was over a hair tie. I couldn’t find it. I dumped out my entire Alice pack, and was sobbing and thrashing about like a broken hearted child, furious/despairing/helpless/hopeless/heartbroken... because I couldn’t find my hair tie. The mother of the child we were burying ended up comforting me.

Yep. Child we were burying.

One of dozens I’d helped bury... just in that week. Because we were too late. We had the vaccine, but they’d already been hit. Most of the time we were managing to stay ahead of the measles, but a few times we were just too late. And instead of vaccinating hundreds of people, buried babies, instead. Hiking hundreds of miles, up and down mountains, short on food/sleep, exhausting ourselves to try and get through cartel country (antiaircraft weapons kept us from flying it in), alive (which was touch and go a few times), in time to get to where we were needed.

So, you can probably guess what I lost my ever loving mind over? Wasn’t reeeeeeally the hair tie. The hair tie was this minor, inconsequential thing. And I lost my shit. Probably because it WAS minor. I wasn’t braced, I had relaxed my guard, which all of the other stuff used to elbow it’s way out.

You’ve had a helluva lot going on, recently. So very, very much. And to me? It sounds like that’s what is bursting the dam. A tiny excitement/disappointment creating a crack in the dike for all of the BIG excitements/disappointments to crash out and flood you (like the new job / vile & vicious coworkers, new job/ assault, newly married/papa bear, fathers death (that stands alone in complexity), new skills/to treat burn victims, new job/ people in crisis)... Any of which would be enough on its own, but add all of them -and the others I haven’t mentioned together- and it’s no wonder that someone gets you a gift you don’t like... and it’s turned into KABOOM!!! But the violence of the reaction? Is in line with the other things going on in your life... far more than your beloved buying the wrong tree.

 

[ms spock]

Okay well I was ready to get in the car and drive away. I am so triggered by the simplest things at the moment. I was going and I was going to just go.

We had spent months discussing the types of trees but anyway it was very kind gesture, a lot of trouble to go to for a very kind gesture.

So I said can we not plant the tree until the morning and then I said I really didn't want it, but I did appreciate it and I felt unheard about the tree discussions which have been, I thought, comprehensive for months.

Then I expected a beating and retribution. My partner has never really raised a voice at me except a bit loud on two occasions in over 8 years together. My partner is not violent or abusive or even cranky or mean. My partner is a gentle giant.

Anyway my partner went online and sold the tree and there was no retribution.

I thought about running away. My God I am so f*cking reactive and then I decided that perhaps making toasted cheese sandwiches would be a better idea which we ate together and then I made a couple of pancakes and my partner explain the vortices and I understood most of it and there was no meanness or recriminations or anthing just kindness and understanding and oh well it didn't work out.

I am so lucky to have such kindness in my life.


I am a complete f*cking mess at the moment but the drama happened internally, I didn't just leave, or get angry or dissociate Istayed her for it but it was hard. I feel so bad in myself. I really feel so bad myself. I am not a bad person. I really am not a bad person but I have the corrosive self doubt.

So thank you for all your posts I did calm down a bit.

Then we went to our rural fire brigade because they need more volunteers and we are both very good at things like that and that was quite relaxing and we chatted to some nice people,

So I am keeping to together in public.


I know what my problem is i am triggered.

 

[ms spock]

But the violence of the reaction? Is in line with the other things going on in your life... far more than your beloved buying the wrong tree.

Yeah you are right.

I found out that one of the other teacher's, has been accused of sexually abusing his daughter, and this was mentioned to me in an off hand manner - that he of course was lied about, as women and children often lie about such things, and half the 'valley stopped talking to this teacher. That the Mother was manipulative and of course she was lying and it was just presumed I would just agreed. It was a well worn out narrative.

I really thought that this teacher and the other teachers were like a type of home away from home like people I could teach with outdoors and in Bush Schools but this was like - I was the lying daughter in the scenario - throughout my whole life - still now after his death - even though he admitted to some of it.

So I thought this guy was okay - he's such a talented teacher - and I have introduced him to a family so I will go and see them and say something but he was part of the second ambush with the two crazy ladies. And I don't want it to be true because I wanted him to be the decent person I thought he was. But all the comments are the comments that were made to me and about me. So we know how that goes or at least I know how that goes.

I always seem to lose my place, but that is not true because B didn't even get upset for me getting upset about a tree. Though we had talked a lot about those trees but anyway.

Everything is too much and I can't do it. But it is just really sad. That everyone is so rallying around an abuser - and he's ever so charismatic and charming, so was my Father. And it's really, really sad.

And it feels unfair like why the f*ck can't anything in my life be simple and easy.

B is really sick and I am desperately scared of losing him. He has the operation in 4/5 weeks unless it becomes an emergency. I am so tired. I want to belong. And I don't to be involved with people because I always feel like stuff it up but of course that is the all or nothing thinking.

I have a shift on the Hotline and then I will numb out on food again.

catastrophize.

Yeah well I was mostly calm when I said stuff and he actually listened to what I wanted and he was really kind to me about it. There was no drama in the situation at all, except in my own head.

 

[Mee]

Oh @ms spock i empathise so much.
for me it’s multifaceted- both being seen and heard and all that stuff you said And then coming to realise I ( and this is me - your situation might be different but I share this in case it helps) was being over controlling. I had these visions which I had shared and he had taken on enthusiastically, and garden is a great example, But in my head the vision was different to his head and also - he had different ideas too and they have equal validity and sometimes they were mutually exclusive. He was so desperate to keep me feeling secure and not as invested in stuff so I started realising that my ideas were dominating and - for example- the plants he picked out that I ‘hated’ were annoying because they didn’t fit with my vision - but he liked them.
After a great deal of introspection I recanted and we went back to the drawing board and there is a particular place in the garden where anything goes - The colours clash in a way that gives him pleasure and rather than resent it I have embraced it. What I viewed as ‘tacky’. I now see as ‘kitch’ and delight in having things I wouldn’t have had in my vision in that area. Resin parrots sitting in the bushes and fake flamingo guarding the fishpond. This ‘culture clash’ worked out as a good way to communicate not just for me to be better heard, but for me to better listen.

 

[scout86]

That everyone is so rallying around an abuser - and he's ever so charismatic and charming

This is something that drives me a little nuts. To the point that I often try to use it as a teachable moment. Usually, I do it by pointing out that the reason Ted Bundy was a successful (?!) serial killer was that he was charming. Or capable of presenting as charming anyway. I flat out tell people that "successful" pedophiles don't come across as creepy scumbags. They come across as nice, normal people, if anything a bit nicer than average.

Hoping that the surgery is a breeze and you get enough rain to end the fires, but not too much!

 

[Mee]

This is something that drives me a little nuts. To the point that I often try to use it as a teachable moment. Usually, I do it by pointing out that the reason Ted Bundy was a successful (?!) serial killer was that he was charming. Or capable of presenting as charming anyway. I flat out tell people that "successful" pedophiles don't come across as creepy scumbags. !

I couldn’t even touch this today but all of this.

So much passion for all of this.

 

[The Albatross]

When I can't/don't appreciate the gift... I look 10 times as hard to focus on the sentiment and/or intent of the one who gave it to me and tried to demonstrate that I mean something to them.

 

[ms spock]

When I can't/don't appreciate the gift...I look 10 times as hard to focus on the sentiment and/or intent of the one who gave it to me and tried to demonstrate that I mean something to them.

He went to SO much trouble. He really did. I did say that to him. I really did and there was no anything from him. He was just kind and supportive and said Oh well it didn't work out. That he would improve. And that was the biggest gift of all that he heard me that I didn't want the tree and that I desperately had to say that because felt like I was drowning emotionally. I am so smashed by everything. And later we talked about it and he really held no hard feelings to me and I cried for a few minutes about all that has happened and that we miss Papa Bear and it's hard.

So the biggest gift was that I didn't have to lie and say it was okay with me. Which I had to do my whole childhood.

I was running away at one point. I was getting in that car and going. I was so distressed. But I didn't get angry with him. I said I was confused.

I had said to him the day before that saying things was so hard for me and when I feel unheard it burns through me. That the pain of that means I cut off sometimes for years at a time.

So I don't even know if he understands it. I didn't want to be angry with him. But what was important to him was that I was upset and that I had said it really hurts when I don't feel listened to that he listened to me. And then he was just really kind to me.

And I did think at one point I will be gracious and accepting but I wouldn't have had a meltdown if I had gone there. I just didn't have that part available.

I am complete f*cking mess.