Did you have sex with your rapist?

[Skywatcher]

I had sex with my rapist by choice one month after he forced himself on me. The rape was brutal and psychologically devastating. The sex was sober and somewhat kind. Though, I now believe it was planned by him and his roommate. Apparently the roommate watched. He then harassed me about it for weeks.

I haven’t even begun to deal with this in therapy, but when I hear about a trial that is presently taking place, it makes sense to me. Did you have sex with your rapist?

 

[Mee]

I had sex with my rapist by choice one month after he forced himself on me. The rape was brutal and psychologically devastating. The sex was sober and somewhat kind. Though, I now believe it was planned by him and his roommate. Apparently the roommate watched. He then harassed me about it for weeks.

I haven’t even begun to deal with this in therapy, but when I hear about a trial that is presently taking place, it makes sense to me. Did you have sex with your rapist?

Yes. It’s really common.
An Example- in the 2nd degree sexual assault I experienced in 2017, my rapist ignoring my ‘ let’s just sleep’ i knew I couldn’t contemplate what was happening so I completed a different sex act . It wasn’t exactly voluntary, but the least worst of the options I felt available to me- judging that the rapist wanted to ‘get off’ then I would be left alone.

Many, many people are married or lovers with their rapists. It’s totally possible for consentual activity to happen before or after sexual assault. And that can be emotionally confusing.

But it doesn’t erase the sexual assault.

 

[Deanna]

I had sex with my rapist by choice one month after he forced himself on me. The rape was brutal and psychologically devastating. The sex was sober and somewhat kind. Though, I now believe it was planned by him and his roommate. Apparently the roommate watched. He then harassed me about it for weeks.

I haven’t even begun to deal with this in therapy, but when I hear about a trial that is presently taking place, it makes sense to me. Did you have sex with your rapist?

Yes. I didn't even know he was in my room! It stopped after 4 or 5 times. He was one of my step-brothers.

 

[Ronin]

Yes.

Many reasons... (Thinking of exH here, not others rn.) Because he'd get laid and not go after anyone for a while.

Consent on it was murky, since whatever sex life we had started ( & continued) with standing death threat to me and all I held as family, then.

But some of those times I'd still think of as sex. For my sanity. Thinking of all of it as rapes makes me feel I wanna eat my gun *gross*. So until I got time to deal with that yuck? We had sex, thanks. :D

 

[Skywatcher]

The reason I even talked to my rapist was because it was a month later and I thought I might be pregnant. He said that he would marry me because he believes in family. This made me somehow think that sleeping with him by choice would erase the rape. This was many years ago and things have changed a lot since then, but my feelings around it seem to be frozen there.

 

[Mee]

I want to add something but it’s too late to edit my first post. My trigger rape was rape by fraud/ deception. While some not great stuff also happened that I probably should worry about too I believed it was in the context of a relationship that it turned out not to be in - So what I thought I was consenting to was not what I was consenting too. In retrospect that’s super difficult because he was one of only two men I have genuinely loved - and - he wasn’t genuine- my consent was unreal.

Sometimes it makes me even question if I can believe the floor is where I think it is beneath my feet. And I cannot trust anyone. But I totally justified a non consensual thing as ‘ok’ in the confines The relationship i thought I had which .... looking back was seriously precarious in itself. Sigh.

 

[Ronin]

@Skywatcher You know you weren't foolish or anything thinking that, nor was the sex somehow a retroactive consent for the rape, nor erasing the rape, right?

You did nothing wrong - in any of those instances. Being raped, talking to him after, having sex with him after, trying to protect the baby you thought are having, trying to form a family for that baby even though with a man that violated you so bad.

What you did isn't bad things. It's powerful and respect worthy things. Not something shameful or wrong or unsound judgment.

//
@Mee, just because others exploit you doesn't mean your judgment is wrecked... it means they are scumbags who mess with your head. That doesn't mean your head is messed up. Just messed *with*.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Yes, he was my first boyfriend. He was nice at first, but then he wasn't. I stayed with him because for some reason I thought what he did was normal, even though it made me feel horrible. I had never really hooked up with anyone before him and all my friends said they were uncomfortable when sexual stuff happened too so I thought it was normal. I stayed with him for months after the first rape. I don't know if you can call the rest of what we did sex, but I always tried to initiate it to "be in control" and "get it over with" although most of the times (okay, all of the times...every time) I had to be incredibly not sober. He was sleeping with someone else the whole time but I thought if I could provide that then he wouldn't leave me. I ended up leaving him because I finally got proof of him cheating on me. That's why I left, not the abuse or the rape or the time he raped me and then told his friend about how much I overreacted who then told everyone in my friend group. Nope. It was because he was cheating on me lol.

 

[Friday]

Yep.

My exhusband, most notably.

I also failed rather spectacularly in attempting to turn a few rapes into sex. They weren’t having it / I managed to turn what would have probably been a fairly boring pedantic rape into getting beaten half to death. C’est la vie.

 

[bellbird]

Yes, for the ~2.5 years prior to the rape. My ex.
Though looking back that gets murky.
I lost my virginity having sex with him, but, there was never another option -- other than going along with what he wanted.
Same with other, erm, flavours, of sex: never another option.

Until almost two years after the rape (when I first had sex with someone not him), I'd never known what sex was without complete verbal&psychological degradation.
Glad to say that I do now.

 

[Ronin]

Yep.

I also failed rather spectacularly in attempting to turn a few rapes into sex. They weren’t having it / I managed to turn what would have probably been a fairly boring pedantic rape into getting beaten half to death.

Ffs them niggas that can't even appreciate a sistah being her stellar, smoothing things out self.

Pricks that fail with art are on my (s)hitlist and what we do with thaat is... yo did you already figure the specs for that few mil boat of yours so I worry only about ice & nuff booze fetched, or not? ;)

 

[Mach123]

I don't understand where the lines are it's not that simple. But yes and realistically? I'm still doing it.