I had complete amnesia over childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and adult trauma, plus denial and minimisation over the other childhood abuse. So what I initially presented with was severe depression. After years of unsuccessful therapy for this, I feel frustrated having read than untreatable depression is known to be a possible indicator of CSA. I even read this at the time but dismissed it. I think it's understandable that I did that, but why did the doctors?
On one occasion talking to my NHS psychiatrist, I heard myself telling him about the CSA. This was bizarre to me, since on a conscious level I didn't understand why I was saying it and thought I was lying. Looking back, it's his reaction that I find bizarre because he said nothing at all in response except to give me a book on cognitive behavioural therapy and schedule a course of electric shock treatment. He's a big name now, writing self-help books and running a swish, outrageously-priced private clinic. I think I need to do something symbolic to let him go, because I still haven't made peace with this.
It's interesting to me that it was only when I was following a more holistic approach to the depression that the real cause finally emerged. It was doing dreamwork, shiatsu massage and working with a counsellor on archetypes that let the memories begin to come back.
At that point I didn't have a clue about trauma or therapy, and made the mistake of going to see a CBT exposure therapist because they were a "specialist". One session (of talking about my history and how the therapy worked) was such a terrible experience that I never went back, and although it was very damaging it did at least wake me up to a number of things. One was the need for a lot of psychic safety before trying to do anything. Two was that confronting the trauma head on was retraumatising. Three was that I had to find what was right for me and not what other people said was the thing to do.
I actually found suitable treatment through listening to my intuition. For some reason, the image of a tiger kept coming into my head and it was insistent but I didn't understand why. I puzzled over it as a symbol, an animal totem, a Chinese zodiac sign... nothing. Then when I was looking on Amazon for a book on trauma to help me, I was floored to see pages and pages of them. I kept scrolling through, not knowing how I was going to choose one or two out of so many. I saw one with a picture of a tiger on the cover so I stopped thinking and picked that. It was "Waking the Tiger" by Peter Levine. As a result, I had somatic therapy (craniosacral therapy in my case) and that has been a key part of healing for me, as has Levine's message that we can recover from any trauma, however horrific.
Following my intuition/gut also led me to the right kind of counselling, at a rape and sexual abuse support centre. I should say that as well as gut feeling, I also check credentials, qualifications, registration and trauma experience very carefully with any type of therapist. It's just that it doesn't stop there for me. Using my head alone doesn't take me to what's right for me. Using other people's heads can have mixed results too! I've been blessed with help and support from other survivors, research and some amazing therapists. I've also learned not to believe that everything I hear is true (at least for me).
On one occasion talking to my NHS psychiatrist, I heard myself telling him about the CSA. This was bizarre to me, since on a conscious level I didn't understand why I was saying it and thought I was lying. Looking back, it's his reaction that I find bizarre because he said nothing at all in response except to give me a book on cognitive behavioural therapy and schedule a course of electric shock treatment. He's a big name now, writing self-help books and running a swish, outrageously-priced private clinic. I think I need to do something symbolic to let him go, because I still haven't made peace with this.
It's interesting to me that it was only when I was following a more holistic approach to the depression that the real cause finally emerged. It was doing dreamwork, shiatsu massage and working with a counsellor on archetypes that let the memories begin to come back.
At that point I didn't have a clue about trauma or therapy, and made the mistake of going to see a CBT exposure therapist because they were a "specialist". One session (of talking about my history and how the therapy worked) was such a terrible experience that I never went back, and although it was very damaging it did at least wake me up to a number of things. One was the need for a lot of psychic safety before trying to do anything. Two was that confronting the trauma head on was retraumatising. Three was that I had to find what was right for me and not what other people said was the thing to do.
I actually found suitable treatment through listening to my intuition. For some reason, the image of a tiger kept coming into my head and it was insistent but I didn't understand why. I puzzled over it as a symbol, an animal totem, a Chinese zodiac sign... nothing. Then when I was looking on Amazon for a book on trauma to help me, I was floored to see pages and pages of them. I kept scrolling through, not knowing how I was going to choose one or two out of so many. I saw one with a picture of a tiger on the cover so I stopped thinking and picked that. It was "Waking the Tiger" by Peter Levine. As a result, I had somatic therapy (craniosacral therapy in my case) and that has been a key part of healing for me, as has Levine's message that we can recover from any trauma, however horrific.
Following my intuition/gut also led me to the right kind of counselling, at a rape and sexual abuse support centre. I should say that as well as gut feeling, I also check credentials, qualifications, registration and trauma experience very carefully with any type of therapist. It's just that it doesn't stop there for me. Using my head alone doesn't take me to what's right for me. Using other people's heads can have mixed results too! I've been blessed with help and support from other survivors, research and some amazing therapists. I've also learned not to believe that everything I hear is true (at least for me).
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