interaction with someone I admire sending me into obsessive thoughts

[Strangelongtrip]

I'm struggling to talk about this because I feel so embarrassed. When I was in middle school, I loved this one band, especially the lead singer, he was so cool looking and androgynous and really weird. I named a fish after him in middle school when we all won fish at the local Carnival and I couldn't think of a name and my friend chose the singer she liked.

I think it was one of my first "I want to look like that but also date someone like that" moments that started pointing me towards my gender and sexuality identity. It was the first band I read everything about and followed religiously, although there wasn't much to read because they weren't super famous. I sort of fell out of touch with what they were doing and didn't think much of it for a few years.

Recently, I found out they all had social media and followed them to keep up with band updates. I found out the band actually runs the account and responds to people, so I'd comment funny things under posts I had something to say about, and the lead singer I had thought was cool responded to a few of my comments. I thought that was pretty neat, but found I was obsessively thinking about how to respond properly, so they "liked me" and I was "cool" or something. I'd think about it a lot and want to talk about it because I was excited (and I make myself feel guilty for being excited about something like that because it's "dumb" and "stupid" and I have to be "cooler") but eventually would die down.

Earlier this week, I saw in the singer's like story part (that disappears after 24 hours) he was collaborating with another favorite artist of mine. I sent a really dumb message referencing something stupid in the background, and he actually read it and responded with something also funny. I was obviously really excited and thought it was really cool, and responded something I thought was funny (but may have been kinda dumb?) but never got a response.

I know logically people don't respond to things, people are busy, people who don't even know me don't owe me responses, but I start getting obsessive like "what did I say wrong" "I should have said this instead" "now they all think I'm weird and gross and strange and I am dumb I'm so dumb". I had to delete the messages because I was scared I'd send something else and sound stupid. Then I logged out of all my accounts and I'm going to take a break from social media until I can recalibrate.

I don't just do this with people who are "famous", I do this with anyone I admire and think is "better" than me (which is a really terrible thing to think, but when I'm down like this I think everyone is better than me and I'm terrible about being clingy). I do this with anyone I want to date, too, or become friends with. It ruined the last person I really, really liked, because I would become obsessive and send too many things (but she was also a pathological liar and not great). I'm trying to pinpoint it, I think it has to do with low self esteem for me and also attachment style issues/ abandonment issues. I feel like I'm annoying everyone I talk to so what I'll often do is "flip" or "split" with the person: make it so I don't like them (used to be HATE them, but I've gotten slightly better lol) and they have no power over me anymore.


Just wondering if anyone had reframing concepts, what I'm doing now is switching to gratitude instead of unrealistic expectations, journaling for affirmations and "visions" of how I want to be. I just feel really guilty and embarrassed and I want to be better at this people thing. Thanks for reading this long rant.

 

[Mach123]

IDK what you mean by reframe. I call what you're describing "normal". It came out over the years at different times and regarding different people. It didn't matter if they were famous or not. I was married and nothing ever happened, thank goodness. I had it really bad a couple times. I know it's really uncomfortable I'm sorry. I hope you feel better.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @Mach123, I feel much better talking about it and reading it all out at once. It doesn't seem all that weird, I just am so terrified of my intense emotions sometimes.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I logged off for a while and started to feel better so I thought oh, back on. Felt bad again. Deleted it again. Gonna talk to me T next week.

 

[Friday]

I feel like I'm annoying everyone I talk to so what I'll often do is "flip" or "split" with the person: make it so I don't like them (used to be HATE them, but I've gotten slightly better lol) and they have no power over me anymore.

Fawning & lashing out sounds like a trauma response. Also a double avoidance mechanism. Because in neither case are you seeing the person as real / for who they are... but distant and removed from you. Up on a pedestal or beneath your boot, are just 2 sides of the same coin. Neither is really connecting, or allowing the possibility of connecting.... NOR... being “wrong” about them, ya know? (Connecting initially, then needing to revise your opinion of them, and sever that tie... or vice vesa, gradually learn to like and respect someone you initially disliked and kept your distance from.) Because you’re going off of your imagination, rather than your best judgement. Everything that might/could be wonderful, everything that must be terrible.

If you came into the acquaintence as an equal? Had to learn about them? Make decisions about them? Use your best judgement? Make alterations as necessary? It’s a helluva lot more complicated than simply slotting them into a role you imagine for them.

It’s also one of those OF COURSE you’re spinning into obsessive thoughts about people you cast in these roles. The relationship is almost all in your head. So rather than spending more time with them, getting to know them better, you’re spending more time in your thoughts... attempting to get to know “them” better. Thoughts are naturally capricious, without any solid foundation for them to steady themselves on? (IE time with that person, learning their character, their strengths, their flaws, and how those things interact with your own, etc.) They’re just going to flick back an forth at impossible speeds attempting to create that solidity. But they can’t. Not with real people. ((With characters, certainly. The more one thinks on them the more 3 dimensional they become. So real, in essence, that millions of people connect/identify feel real feelings for them. But with real people? The process is reverse. You don’t “know” them, and then 3D them by the details. They’re 3D to begin with, and you only know them by learning the details. In vivo, rather than in vitro. They don’t come onto the scene whole and the facets are learned later, but the facets are all we have to begin with, and to wholly know someone? Takes a helluva lot of time & experience with them.))

There’s a story about one of the Fenian heroes of old... who needs to get somewhere very very fast to save the day. He’s owed a favor by the fae, so they offer him a horse but won’t tell him which is the fastest. So he asks the horses themselves; “How fast are you?”
“I’m as fast as the wind!” says the first horse
“Ach! You’re too slow for me.”
“I’m as fast as a bolt of lightning!” Says the second horse.
“Ach! You’re too slow for me,”
“I’m as fast as a maiden’s thoughts between 2 lovers.” says the third horse
“Aha! YOURE my horse!”

^^^
To slow things down? Bring things into the real world. You felt better when you did... for durn good reason.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @Friday that makes so much sense!! Also love the story. I definitely have that "build people up and not real" habit. I do it with so many people. Even people I know IRL.

But with real people? The process is reverse. You don’t “know” them, and then 3D them by the details. They’re 3D to begin with, and you only know them by learning the details. In vivo, rather than in vitro. They don’t come onto the scene whole and the facets are learned later, but the facets are all we have to begin with, and to wholly know someone? Takes a helluva lot of time & experience with them.))

This really stuck with me. Thank you Again!!

 

[Ronin]

Reckon your feeling bad is the only real issue here...

(As in needing addressing, I mean by real.)

Not whatever you sent or didn't.
They're a famous band.
Been a while.
They're used to fans being fans.

They have tools for & people to manage even downright physically psycho fans. That's what security, their own hire or event or collaborated external, is for.

A woman sending funny fanmail or adding a couple comments, or a wall of them? Doesn’t even blip the radar.

They're paid for counting with some expressions of attention and affection.

Tldr Breeathe. It's way bigger deal on your anxiety, than elsewhere. :)

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @Ronin !!