Starving feels good.

[Ronin]

Little joy IS enough.

Too much is too much.
Didn't have joy at all or a long time?

Needs slow and get used to joy.

Like swimming: Didn't swim long? Needs floaties, then short and mild pools or currents, supports closeby, no rush.

Not jump in a river much less ocean and drown.

Food like that too.
Needs oatmeal and sweets and babyfoods after not eating.
Can't just big restaurants foods fast.

Not even babyfoods sometimes.
Bad starved people get nutrient milk and such.
Not stuff their bodies can't eat either.

Feelings about food that make foods hard are like that.

Doesn't need all done in a day.

 

[bellbird]

What foods make you feel good when you eat them, @Self-Determined ?

 

[Rose White]

@bellbird thank you for asking me this question. I felt a lot of resistance to this question. I did not want to answer. I have OCD and one of the manifestations is counting at the grocery store. It’s hard to explain but rather than choosing my food I count out shelves and items until I get to the “right” number. Then I buy it if it aligns with my life. For example, if after counting to a certain number the product is something I need or the kids like, I buy it, but if not I go to the next aisle. I have some exceptions but mostly I use this system.

So I don’t choose food directly according to desire and taste. I might say, “I want gummies,” but then use my counting to choose which one I buy.

Yes it is embarrassing to explain, but talking about it helps me put it in perspective and challenge it.

I think I answered your question a little. I think gummy candies make me feel good when I eat them.

 

[bellbird]

I know you can't see me as I write this, @Self-Determined , but I can assure you there absolutely no judgement from me regarding the explanation you gave.

In fact, I'm really humbled and proud that you pushed through the resistance you felt toward the question in order to help yourself gain a better understanding of what is going on for you, and I hope you can feel that too :hug:

I'm not OCD, but what you're describing to me about what happens at the supermarket for you does make a lot of sense :)

Does having some gummy candies then make it easier to eat other things?

I remember when I was heavily restricting my intake, after a while, even if I would have wanted to eat it just would have felt awful to because I hadn't for so long.

I wonder if you can use the gummies to help in this way?
Not anything big or sudden, just baby stepping it.

 

[Ronin]

Or maybe using OCD to help you out :sneaky:

If you have 'right' numbers, can an amount of them be expanded? So you have more numbers to choose from, more items, but without the anxiety of overloaded by choices?

Just a thought, not sure if you had much initial choice or if you still have one over how your brain processes so much stimuli like shopping & choosing & food.

(Gentle thoughts atcha. Thought I would go for hugs emoji of care but don't want to stress you by hugs either.)

 

[Mach123]

How'd I miss this one? At 6'1" 158 lbs I think I know what you mean. This is recent for me a couple months, IDK how long. I went on the cabbage soup thing to clean up as I'm having health issues . So I'm cleaned up, but I weigh about what I did in high school. Yes it's all trauma related, but I can't deal with it and I love skinny. I saw a guy I know at the gym yesterday he was bulking up. I've never been able to do it. I've never learned to eat to gain lean mass. I always just got fat meaning, most of the weight id put on would be in my belly where I don't want it. So I'll be skinny for now I have to go eat breakfast, cabbage soup and maybe some chicken breast or hamburger patties. It's even more fun to eat and starve at the same time . And my food sensitivties make it really, hard I can't take most supplements (weight gain powders and so on) they just wreck my tummy.

 

[Rose White]

@bellbird Thank you for the idea of making sure that I have something I enjoy in order to entice me. And @Ronin thank you for the idea of more choices. I think I am starting to do these things already. Like now I allow myself to buy candy. Also, sometimes I allow myself to buy two or three things from the same aisle if the first choice was a good one. I count again and if the second one is a good choice I buy that too. Also I am not restricted on how many days I go to the store, I can go every day if I want to.

I remember when I was heavily restricting my intake, after a while, even if I would have wanted to eat it just would have felt awful to because I hadn't for so long.

I know this feeling and fortunately I don’t ever let it get that bad anymore. After the first initial disclosure to T three years ago and my mom told my dad to leave then I was in major grief mode and I didn’t eat for almost a week. I remember how painful it was to eat again. When I finally ate the pain lasted all day because my intestines were like shrunk or weak.

Just a thought, not sure if you had much initial choice or if you still have one over how your brain processes

I like your idea. More numbers. The reason this started was because around age 13 on a trip with my dad my brain subconsciously realized I was trapped with my dad (seemingly forever) and it didn’t matter what I chose or did. Also, it was a “clever” way to escape failure and mocking. If anyone mocked me for my choice then I secretly knew that I didn’t *actually* choose it, and alternatively I might be complimented for a choice but inside I knew that it was a game. It was a way of feeling in control.

Yes it's all trauma related, but I can't deal with it and I love skinny.

Thank you for your comment. Sounds like we both have a sense of exploring the feeling of starving. I personally am not a fan of skinny and my preference is a body with a little bit of fat, like the amount where the person or their doctor think they could lose a little weight if they wanted. Such bodies are more pleasing and beautiful to me. I know that having a skinny body is desired by a lot of people but my starving is not related to body image, as far as I can tell. It’s more about the feeling of starving. It also might be related to punishing myself. I don’t usually have a specific reason for punishing myself, but the sense of restriction and denial is related to the perfectionism, which was also a method of control.

I wonder what it will take for my brain to recognize that not only is my dad gone from my life but there is a great big world of people that are completely different from him. I think I’m getting there, going in that direction. I had a series of dreams this week which were really eventful, I will try to write about them in my diary.

 

[mumstheword]

I do miss the starving feeling but I don't miss how sick and chronically exhausted and shit it made me feel.

I even got psychosis from really, really, low B12. My brain started to eat itself and dissolve without the B12.
I got B12 and iron shots in my butt and it helped.
I miss the skinny too, but I didn't like my boobs becoming flat like pancakes.

Now I am too the other way, now, and I hate it.

I wish I could just be balanced.

I can't trust myself to go back to.the starving myself. I start loving missing meals, missing meals, missing meals. I feel so triumphant going without. I love the empty, lean, hollow feeling. But, eventually, it just feels sooooooo bad. So, so foggy, can't think, so, so, sick in my guts, so, so tired and brittle, so, so grumpy and on edge, so, so under resourced to deal with kid's. Heart so overtaxed, nervous system terrible.

I spent lots of years like that. My poor children. Poor me. I won't go back to that.

 

[Mach123]

I do miss the starving feeling but I don't miss how sick and chronically exhausted and shit it made me feel.

I even got psychosis from really, really, low B12. My brain started to eat itself and dissolve without the B12.
I got B12 and iron shots in my butt and it helped.
I miss the skinny too, but I didn't like my boobs becoming flat like pancakes.

Now I am too the other way, now, and I hate it.

I wish I could just be balanced.

I can't trust myself to go back to.the starving myself. I start loving missing meals, missing meals, missing meals. I feel so triumphant going without. I love the empty, lean, hollow feeling. But, eventually, it just feels sooooooo bad. So, so foggy, can't think, so, so, sick in my guts, so, so tired and brittle, so, so grumpy and on edge, so, so under resourced to deal with kid's. Heart so overtaxed, nervous system terrible.

I spent lots of years like that. My poor children. Poor me. I won't go back to that.

I skin popped B12 for awhile my mom used to as well I loved the needles. My wife watched me do it and she was like "you like that too much".

I don't think you can get it anymore but IDK. I haven't bothered because aside from liking injecting myself with it I didn't think it made me feel any different. Made me a little nervous too. But that's part of liking it I think.

 

[Rose White]

@mumstheword and @Mach123 thank you for those perspectives. The hollow image. The eager anticipation of the piercing sensations. Is that what I’m seeking? No. I seek Balance. Letting go.

 

[Rose White]

Oops, posted in the wrong thread. I was celebrating my accomplishment with calling the hotline! Oh well, only a little embarrassing. I did talk about the eating and she suggested finding a nutritionist. I said I will be getting linked in with WIC as soon as the divorce is final.

 

[Rose White]

I am being accountable to myself and I’m sorry if I’m triggering anyone you can tell me to call the hotline. Dang it I did not eat today. I’m being accountable. And my kids come home tomorrow. And I did not clean. And I did not eat. I sat. And slept. And took long baths. And wrote down my insights. Here and elsewhere.

I should probably call the hotline just to be accountable that I didn’t eat. Am I trying to get myself into inpatient? Sort of. Maybe I should plan it. For spring break. Or summer. Except I can’t. Because I’m switching to state run insurance. So not going to state run inpatient.

I can manage myself. Yes I can. Yes I can manage my meals. I can create my own inpatient. I can talk with a nutritionist. When I sign up for food stamps. Maybe I can get assigned a case worker who will help me get someone to help me plan the meals because I seem to have some issues around that. It’s good I’m going through the divorce and getting on social services because it makes me honest about my grief. I’m grieving. That’s what my addiction is is grief. My not eating is grief. It’s just oozing out of me. Old grief. Need to schedule the emotional release massage and get the grief out. I let it build up too long. And the hotline crisis professional said have I heard about psychodrama. She said look into psychodrama for releasing inner child and old programs. So I need to focus now on releasing my emotions in a safe and effective way. This will help with the eating somehow.