The Denial Wall

[BloomInWinter]

Anyone else having trouble accepting the truth about the depth of your injury?

Every day feels like 100 days long.

So many triggers. So many stressors. So much intrusiveness. Avoidance, avoidance, avoidance.

Am having a hard time accepting with just how few of the moments of my life AREN'T affected - negatively - by my reactions to the traumas. That is, if there ARE any.

Ugh. This forum is NOT for anyone wanting to go back to the blissful (NOT!) ignorance prior to breaking down that wall of denial. Feels a bit like punishment for having been victimized.

Now that I know, I realize there's really just one choice. Do the work.

 

[James B.]

It took me a long time to acknowledge and work through the depth of my injury. Grief catharsis. And there were times after writing here a while, where it seemed triggers were more acute. The big difference is I became aware of the triggers, and even their origins. This helped a lot. Gradually I am experiencing a decrease in symptoms. Am feeling better, day by day.

It took a while, and I may have days that aren't so hot. That's OK. The big picture is getting better, for real. The tools and techniques learned here are helping me. If feels like a path of discovery. After so many years of suffering, and so much loss, this feels really good. I was willing to try things, things that are working to my benefit. And will continue with this in the coming months. CPTSD is very painful and very hard, a monster challenge. But I truly believe beating this thing, or subduing it in the majority sense, is doable.

 

[anni]

It doesn't always have to feel so much like work, though. For me, logging in is the toughest sometimes, although some threads will send one right up the wall if you're having one of THOSE moments anyway. It's not always awful to avoid a thread which might do way too MUCH triggering, since that can make things worse instead of providing the exposure therapy effect. It's probably a matter of feeling when one can deliberately challenge oneself, I think?

Having said that. please don't take avoidance 'advice' from me without careful consideration. It's my single WORST piece of PTSD dreck. I'm pretty sure I've looked at this correctly, regardless, but whew- it's terribly easy to fool myself.

I hope you like it here, and welcome!

Anni

 

[seedling]

I avoided this thread this morning as soon as I read the word "denial" :) "Denial"? - who, me? I don't need to look at that.........Made it back this afternoon to read it.

I'm still not sure what I'm denying.

 

[cdnleaf]

I really struggled with this as well in the beginning and it was like I was going through the Kubler Ross grief cycle after the diagnosis. I'm not to fixated on the wondering why as this usually leads into a pity party for one. Now it's more about what do I need to now each day to move on. I believe you identified it in saying "...there's only one choice. Do the work." Last year a doctor told me; listen it's like Nike therapy - just do it! I kind of laughed and got on with things. Now when things are not going good/through the rough patches, I remind myself about what he said. Thanks for the great topic. All the best, Dan.

 

[BloomInWinter]

That's the thing...I *know* now that the only way out is *through* the pain. But right now I'd just love a chance to go back to the time before I *knew* and could just run from it by keeping myself busy.

Nothing like a choice between running through a burning hallway, or staying in the burning room that's filling with smoke.

Yep, great choices there...can't believe more of us don't jump at the chance to face this injury....

 

[Sammy]

BloomInWiner, I liked your analogy, running through a burning hallway, etc. That is what this feels like so often - only, I am crawling. But, staying still is even less acceptable. Some days I cannot sign on here, I just want to pretend for a day that I do not have this. Not that it works. I often feel like I have to run every thought, every feeling through some kind of filter and I just do not know what is real or what is the PTSD talking. I hate it. I do like knowing why I was always so busy I did not have to think and why this anger would come out of no where. But, knowing means I need to deal with it. It is hard for family and friends to understand why I can't remember the names of the most common things, why I find myself sweating and shaking for no obvious reason, why I get so dang tired. I just do not want to have to explain... "I have PTSD and..." I hate it. I sometimes just wish I didn't know what was going on and I could just keep plowing through life. I guess the bottom line for me is, ignorance is not bliss and knowledge is not always much fun either! Some days, I just want to pretend I am "normal," whatever that is.

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

Sammy's statement about running every thought, every feeling through a filter is really spot on. I still often long for the ignorance of not realizing how profoundly this has affected my life. The more I learn through therapy, the more I seem to run through that "filter" because I'm recognizing more and more behaviors and feelings that are a direct result of PTSD.

BloomInWinter, what's helped me some days when I'm longing to go back to not knowing, is to remind myself that the thoughts and feelings were still there when I was in denial. The main difference between then and now is now I understand why. It doesn't always help, but at least you can have a plan and know what you are truly dealing with. I think you already know this since you called it "blissful (NOT!) ignorance".

 

[Sammy]

I just get tired of the battle and want to pretend it isn't raging. The more I know and learn, the more I understand and that is all good. I like to believe I am healing. I know I am healing. I just don't want to have to heal in the first place. It sometimes simply makes me angry I am having to deal with the anxiety, the distrust, the anger. I get frustrated that I am in this situation... I certainly never asked to be abused, neglected, etc. I don't ever really want to go back to before I knew - I was miserable and didn't know why. I just don't want to have to deal with it at all. I want to be able to go out and have fun with friends. I want to just simply enjoy life. It is rare moments when life just seems good. I guess I am hoping the filtering system becomes more automatic because it is a heck of a lot of work right now!

 

[Nishkaa]

I think I've done myself more harm by trying to deny my illness than to just simply accept it and put my focus into learning how to cope with it. Literally it caused me to really spin my tires-- I was open and helpful to others around me in crisis, but I also used that to deny and avoid what's going on with myself, and I have felt that crash many times over.

I tried really hard to persist in finishing off my last year of school, when I actually did need to stop and focus on building more coping skills strength and stabilization for my self. I've been a really stubborn deny-er cause I really wanted to fit back into that mold of my previous life (before the onset of crazy PTSD).

I have learnt that simple acceptance of where I'm at at each moment, has done much more for my recovery, than the energy of trying to fight against it. I've been learning to respect my self more and to even try to shift things towards more compassion with myself, rather than constantly fighting against it, e.g. being punishing of myself for not being able to function, getting mad at my self, berating my self. There is a deep Serenity in learning how to Accept and Respect and to Care for the wounded parts of self.

This was a helpful post for me to hear-- thank you for bringing it up.

 

[Nora]

I'm so with you on this, Sammy. Sometimes I get angry that I have to work so hard at something that isn't even my fault in the first place. Someone gets to dump all of their trash directly into your brain, and it's up to you to sift through the jumble and discard what isn't yours. And all this trauma healing has definitely curbed my ability to socialize with others since I'm more often agoraphobic and dissociated. And given that a lot of the triggers that lead to my paralyzing terror are very mundane stressors, it is also frustrating how well-intentioned people say, "oh right, you have blah-de-blah anxiety, we all get nervous about that. no big deal." And if you try to explain the PTSD, then it's just like you're a freak who can't handle anything. People don't seem to know how to react to someone who is intermittently phobic... surely I could just 'get it together' then, right, with everything else that I can do on a regular basis? I'm around a lot of empathetic and well-intentioned people, and they were way more helpful when I was depressed than now. I've always been fairly open about my struggles, but now I only share with a small select few who can understand.

It seemed so much easier when I was just in denial about trauma and going about my business. But I know on a deeper level that isn't true. It's not like these phobias are new... they've always been there. I can just see them now.

-Nora

 

[James B.]

There is a deep Serenity in learning how to Accept and Respect and to Care for the wounded parts of self.

Nishkaa, thanks so much for these words.