The Denial Wall

[Tinyflame]

Me too,
((((((((Bloom))))))), ((((((((LH))))))))

 

[Deleted member 6617]

(((((Bloom)))))

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((PH)))))
(((((Junebug)))))
(((((LH)))))

 

[doglover]

Do I struggle with denial about accepting the depth of my injury?

Hells bells yes. I don't WANT to accept just how much this stuff has affected me. So I try to get on like someone who hasn't been affected by anything. And then when the evidence comes up it stings really bad.

Every day, I look at how easy people form new relationships, and think to myself why can't I do it that easily. I can make friends with other freak types fairly well (I mean to use that word, "freak" in an affectionate, loving, beat-of-your-own-drummer kind of way - aka no offense meant), because we go by a different rulebook. But put me in a position of needing to follow "mainstream" protocol and I will put my foot in my mouth or overreact to someone's response to me inside and taint the interaction because of it. I'll end up feeling needy, overpersonalizing. I want everyone to like me. It takes a lot to annoy me. I'm not very picky about relationships when I need to be. I just want the approval and validation so bad sometimes.

My memory keeps me from keeping strong social bonds. Someone told me they would be away from my job due to an appointment. They said it again earlier today. Before they left I spoke to them as if they hadn't said that because I'd forgotten it already until they reminded me. I bet they felt neglected because of it. I've called myself a terrible friend when I do this to my friends.

I care even though I can't always show it right or well due to my memory issues and trouble managing emotions. But I care, gosh, sometimes too deeply. I almost didn't allow myself to give a voice to these feelings today, because when I first signed on here I started getting wrapped up in others' concerns and struggles.

I care about your struggles. I just have to fight myself to remember I'm allowed to care about my own too. Gosh that stings.

Just had a rough day interpersonally. Feeling raw and needy and misunderstood and like nothing I do to try to fix these wonky moments does any good whatsoever. I feel like I'm doomed to interact in a robotic way and that's just no good. I know that isn't true but my feelings right now are very ... defeatist.

I just keep trying so hard to live life like none of this crap happened or affected me how it did, and it's really painful when I get reminders that my brain just isn't working like it would without this mess. I feel so hurt, guilty, ashamed and resentful of the factors and people who contributed. Not to mention really very envious of the people who make this social stuff look easy.

 

[Queen Boudica]

((((((((doglover)))))))))))). Sorry you have had such a rough day.

Again, it is amazing, you have just written so much about how this works. Know exactly how you feel and can relate to it so well. Forming new relationships:

Every day, I look at how easy people form new relationships, and think to myself why can't I do it that easily. I can make friends with other freak types fairly well (I mean to use that word, "freak" in an affectionate, loving, beat-of-your-own-drummer kind of way - aka no offense meant), because we go by a different rulebook. But put me in a position of needing to follow "mainstream" protocol and I will put my foot in my mouth or overreact to someone's response to me inside and taint the interaction because of it. I'll end up feeling needy, overpersonalizing. I want everyone to like me. It takes a lot to annoy me. I'm not very picky about relationships when I need to be. I just want the approval and validation so bad sometimes

Exactly. And the thing is what is worse is that you know that you are interacting wrong, you know it, you watch yourself and feel so embarassed by yourself and so awkward and ashamed that you are like that. BUT you just can't seem to be able to do it any other way. You don't even notice it a lot of the time, it is so automatic, maybe afterwards you realise, "I should have done that", but then it is too late. Even when you try, it seems so fake and you use so much energy and you still end up trying too hard or overreacting in the end. And you always know, even when you do it all right, that you are not and that you are not ever going to be part of their group, you are always just on the outside because you just don't interact in the way they do.

So I try to get on like someone who hasn't been affected by anything. And then when the evidence comes up it stings really bad..

Yes, you just forget, you just want to get on with your life. That is what everyone else is doing, why can't I? That is really hard to accept. It is an invisible disability. You seem fine for a while and then that disability raises its ugly head and hits you right in the stomach.

Like "Alien" It is growing in your stomach and you are totally unaware of it, or you are ignoring the little signs, but then it erupts out of your stomach and starts eating you alive from the inside and out.

I just keep trying so hard to live life like none of this crap happened or affected me how it did, and it's really painful when I get reminders that my brain just isn't working like it would without this mess. I feel so hurt, guilty, ashamed and resentful of the factors and people who contributed. Not to mention really very envious of the people who make this social stuff look easy

No use fighting it. We are like this. And we have to really work hard to make it liveable. And this may be denial, but it is not the worse thing we could have. It is really really tough, but it is manageable. We can still function, when we try hard, but we do really have to look after ourselves, which is hard, cause it goes right against the grain of the way we have been bought up. That was not our purpose so we fight it all the way. But it should be a fight we can win. We will be different. But different has its good points. And I think, that the compassion and caring that comes from this is not such a bad thing, as long as we don't go over the top and let ourselves be abused by it and as long as we take the time to look after ourselves as well (Easier said than done) . And there are ways to channel that caring in other ways than with too much social interaction (????)

Doglover you are showing you are caring by a lot of the posts you have made. And you have just helped me by reading your post, especially the bit about just trying to live your life and ignore it, when that is just not possible. I want to do that, I do try and be like a robot and ignore that I have to stop and look after me a lot. But robot's can be reprogrammed. Just might be a bit of a complicated program to write to overcome the one hardwired in our brain.

 

[doglover]

((((((((doglover)))))))))))). Sorry you have had such a rough day.

Thank you, your words of support mean more than I can say!

(((((((((((Lizio)))))))))))

you know it, you watch yourself and feel so embarassed by yourself and so awkward and ashamed that you are like that. ...You don't even notice it a lot of the time, it is so automatic, maybe afterwards you realise, "I should have done that", but then it is too late.

Yes, that's it exactly! Wow, amazing that someone I've never even met can relate so well.

I'm still in the phase of trying to fix things when there's an obvious oops. But I don't think mainstreamy people do that. I just get really direct like hey sometimes I put my foot in my mouth. It's kind of my thing. I actually said that to someone today. They acted like they had no idea what I was talking about. (yeah right, that's just insulting. unless I'm overanalyzing everything which is also possible. grr!)

Like "Alien" It is growing in your stomach and you are totally unaware of it, or you are ignoring the little signs, but then it erupts out of your stomach and starts eating you alive from the inside and out.

Wow, that is a really good analogy! It's exactly like that, ladeeda - whammo.

Also very right about looking after ourselves. I'm still working on my "assertiveness" sometimes. And sometimes the pull of a routine overpowers me when I know I want or need to do something nice for me. Like I'm hard-wired to be for everyone else all the time. It's rather exhausting.

And I think, that the compassion and caring that comes from this is not such a bad thing, as long as we don't go over the top

Too true, and boy is it sometimes hard to notice when we've gone overboard.

I want to do that, I do try and be like a robot and ignore that I have to stop and look after me a lot. But robot's can be reprogrammed. Just might be a bit of a complicated program to write to overcome the one hardwired in our brain.

This is really creative and clever!

I guess I am still coming to grips with how this has affected me. Not quite ready to deal with the grief over not having a chance at that "mainstream" style. It will hurt, but I've hurt enough for one day. I know I will need to accept those impacts... I've just got a stubborn streak.

Thank you so much, Lizio. Feeling understood is priceless and I am even happier that you got some value for yourself out of what I wrote.

On the bright side, emotionally I pretty much always start over every day. Guess it's a side effect of my coping style or something. So the pain and anguish I've felt today will be over in the morning, and the morning isn't too far away now.