The Denial Wall

[Queen Boudica]

I've been reading this forum and there are so many who have gone through such terrible things.

I just felt that my childhood stuff was so minimal compared to what others have gone through that I shouldn't have trauma, I was such a weakling for not being able to go through what I went through and not come out OK.

Guess that is all part of my denial. I have to recognise that I was a young child and that I saw things through a child's eye and what I saw was terrifying to me.

Plus I have now realised that there was a complete neglect of caring and compassion, affection. A childhood without cuddles is not a childhood.

But the denial went onto my married life where I accepted abuse and controlling and thought it was not that bad as other women are beaten every day. And I still feel that way.

So difficult to get over denial.

 

[mamachick]

Denial that I was effected by a boyfriend who put a gun to my head just last year. Denial that I deserve anything better. Denial that he would ever hurt me.

 

[goingonhope]

Anyone else having trouble accepting the truth about the depth of your injury?

Yes, particularly from severe domestic violence on Dec. 17th, 1986. The layers and layers of certain resulting realities continue to reveal themselves to me and each time I am either numbed from this happening, seek further numbness, avoidance and escape, as I am catapulted back to a place and time when absolutely no help during, or afterwards felt deserved and was mostly non-existent.

That entire immoral family both hated me and were convinced that I got everything I so deserved; They told me so.

If only they knew, the depths in which this one trauma took on an amazingly disabling, emotionally crippling life of it's own.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((((goingonhope))))))))

That's just it, isn't it? I mean...not that the traumas weren't awful but the absolutely nobody to turn to, no help...blaming, shaming, hating on is what becomes the vehicle that the continued suffering rides on and Denial from those around us keeps fueling it forward.

 

[seedling]

I'm confused. Sometimes I wonder how I project what I'm suffering.

There are times every now and then, when I mention a symptom and someone who knows better will take it lightly. I'm usually trying to make a stab at conveying something that's really bothering me and the person just doesn't clue in.
Do I usually act like I'm way better than I am? - I mean to those who know what's wrong - family, friends, T.

Does my outward persona deny it in its interactions with others? How to be honest about it, I don't know.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Do I usually act like I'm way better than I am? - I mean to those who know what's wrong - family, friends, T. Does my outward persona deny it in its interactions with others? How to be honest about it, I don't know.

My guess is...probably. My T.s are working with me to NOT project such a cold exterior that they have no idea what I'm experiencing. ...and people are always responding to me as if I am far more functional than I feel.

One of the goals in DBT is to help us learn how to safely match my insides to my outsides at the granular level. Sure, I can show rage and disgust...but to be able to show all the levels that lead to that, to ask for what I need before it gets to that level...that's a whole toolkit I didn't receive growing up.

But they *are* skills that can be learned. Practicing them = not easy.

 

[mamachick]

How to break through the denial----I dont know

How do we practice this when we are still in the abuse. Its as if others line up to abuse. Personally, I am sick of being a victim. I have been working so hard to make some personal changes. A big one is to sell my house so that I can quit being a slave to the maintainance. It has physically and financially broke me. I have been dealing with many things but have maintained a positive attitude even though things are very rough and I have lost my ability to work, my physical health, my safety, etc.

My ex husband was not abusive but other relationships have been. He was completely neglectful and surprised when I didnt want to be married anymore. He allowed one of our strong willed daughters call most of the shots. After seperation, she sabatoged my health, my career, and any sense of trust I had. Last month she was mad at me and told me she would like to testify in divorce court and she would lie to destroy me. I barely get through that and a few days ago comes home and starts screaming at me outside that I am an idiot because I was relaxing. She said I am an idiot for considering painting in order to get top dollar from the house. When she see's how upset I am becoming in front of the neighbor, she says its for my own good-that she doesn't like to see me in pain from working. After a 20 minute verbal beating.

She physically attacked me when she was in high school but says that is normal for teens. It is not. I know that. She lets me get a little better and a bit hopeful and then attacks. She is 23, 200 plus pounds, is a law student, and was not raised being verbally abused and I did not even spank let alone hit. I am 120 pounds, disabled and 52.
I asked her if I ever called her an idiot or any other name and she says no-but I act like one. That I have treated her like an idiot when I have given her a grocery list instead of her using her memory.

I sink back into my bed and cant carry out tasks. Right now, I have been here 3 days and dont answer the realtors calls to show the house. I dont have the oomph to clean up after the dogs or eat, let alone deal with showings. Why do I let her put me in this depression. Further, my physical pain has shot through the roof. ( I realize it must be emotional). I even began hyperventilating on occassion. At first I try to manage it because I know its not good for her to think she has this kind of control. But eventually, I break. I am unable to deny the abuse that has been going on for 8 years.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((brat17)))))

Sending you wishes for strength, comfort, and hope.

I hope you'll call your T. or your local hotline and get the support you deserve so much!

*Linking Arms*

 

[mamachick]

Bloomin-thank you so much, your wishes are appreciated
Hugs

 

[goingonhope]

Depth of Injury - What a great thread BloomInWinter! :tup:

Yes, particularly from severe domestic violence on Dec. 17th, 1986. The layers and layers of certain resulting realities continue to reveal themselves to me.

Am having a hard time accepting with just how few of the moments of my life AREN'T affected - negatively - by my reactions to the traumas.

BloomInWinter, .........."affected - negatively - by my reactions to the traumas." I hear you with this.

Some more of my denials is breaking lately and I understand clearer what you said above, in regards to my past, and even how such negative thinking-patterns influence, or can take control of our present.

I've been having intrusive thoughts and memories (this past wk.) of the mo.'s and yrs. which followed the DV violence I mentioned in 86'. ....all of which was most negative and self-destructive. But, I didn't really look at myself as thinking most negatively, and yet I concluded following those assaults that night: 'OMG, ..don't make me anything like them'. 'I'll be especially good to people and treat them well, in spite of how they treat me'. 'They won't turn me into anything near resembling them.'

The problem with this conclusion was/is that somewhere along the way there was quite the mix-up in my head. ...THEN, maybe even still in some cases, I'd choose to too easily forgive and forget and respond kind, considerate, thoughtfully and loving to family and others THEN, who would in response mistreat and/or be manipulative and hatefully abusive of me again at their first real next opportunity.

My point is I'd thereafter think myself as being positive because I was treating and responding to them (abusers) in a valued, principled and considerate way, while at the same time all I could think about doing was destroying myself and my very existence to please, to honor and to accomodate them. - most negative thinking -

....I guess I figured, (following that family-gang-hate-DV attack), that somebody has got to win this battle and there was more of them, and they wanted so badly to win the prize, so I just surrendered and gave them what they wanted; I was alone and there wasn't any help that I could find, so it wasn't so neccessary that I regain or win anything anymore.

I could just let them succeed and be pleased with the results and then I was being a good girl, helping aid in my own destruction and sacrifice and could never be mistaken as being anything resembling them. .......Again, most negative and destructive thinking. ..But very much welcomed by them, and I suppose following all such complete abandonment, a perverse bit by me as well. I was no longer entirely alone, in my despair and death, I had a bit of a family, contingent upon my continuing self-destruction.

................................This tells a story of a number of years, THEN, and following that one incident. A very mixed-up, battered brain and broken soul, makes much of the sense I need, to have some compassion for self admist the yrs. that followed that horrible night.

What a heck'a'va mixed-up and negative conclusion for me to then draw.

Anyone else having trouble accepting the truth about the depth of your injury?

Sure. yes!

 

[Ron]

Denial was my middle name for years. Not anymore baby.

 

[mamachick]

goinonhope-I hope you always find that compassion for yourself first. I know we need to treat ourselves as if we are our own parents and protect, cherish, nurture, forgive, encourage, love, ......etc.
Those who have abused-forgive if we can as long as we can still protect. We do not have to be put in the place to be taken advantage of of walked over anymore. I had to sever relationships in order to do this