The Denial Wall

[BloomInWinter]

I've had to give up my denial that I can numb JUST the bad feelings but keep the good. Hasn't worked.

Am scared to feel all that I know is there now waiting to be felt and transformed but...am also hopeful that I can begin to 'melt' and feel a wider range of the good feelings too.

 

[Sammy]

I was an expert on denial for decades. But, it all came crashing down on me eventually. I guess I would rather know and be able to defeat each dragon as it comes along. I had a flashback on Saturday that had me shaking for hours. Still feeling the tightness in my chest. But, when those memories come back, it means I can learn to deal with them. Otherwise, the lurk in the back of my brain and mess with things that are totally unrelated. I am tired of looking through the PTSD colored lenses. I guess they will always be there but, I hope to be able to control some of the reactions some day. Knowledge is power - even if getting it is extremely painful. Today I really hate that I deal with the trash other messed up lives did to my head. It may take my entire life but I am determined to find peace. Even if for short periods of time.

Fight the battle. I, for one, have to believe it will be better in the end.

 

[Abrasky]

I have trouble accepting the depth of my injury and it's 10 years later. My PTSD is a bit like an iceberg with a pea at the bottom. There's all this emotional abuse, control and mind control triggers and flashbacks(cult like stuff) which is the iceberg that took 10 years to get through and then still when I got to the end I had this feeling I still had a wonderful childhood (the pea). I got rid of the pea by grieving for the loss of a nuturing loving father figure and replaced it with spiky dying pod with nothing inside his heart who sexually abused me that he really was. Now I'm starting to the depth of the injury that pea inflicted was quite a lot. I've been crying for 5 months through grief I never thought was possible and I still want to hang on to that pea. I'm still in denial. I think the person who inflicts the most damage is myself trying to hang onto that damn pea. I think I need that pea so I'm hanging on to it for my life, literally would destroy myself to hang onto it.

 

[Sammy]

"I think the person who inflicts the most damage is myself trying to hang onto that damn pea."

I know the things I have told myself were way worse than anything anyone actually did to me... the things I told myself, the emotional abuse I inflicted upon myself, the blame I placed on myself. If nothing else, it lasted decades longer. I am also still trying to see the real depth of damage my violent family inflicted. But, that is not to say there were not good times, too. The hard part is mourning the loss, mourning the abuse, mourning the missed childhood. You cannot make another's choices but someone else's choices can cause lots of pain. How well I know. But, I also know, the pain I inflicted on myself was probably the most damaging. It has been decades. But still I fight to reconcile the reality with the way it "should have been." I still love my family - I just have to work to not let them inflict any more pain. In fact, I expect they are as messed up in their own heads as I am!!

 

[BloomInWinter]

That denial wall sure is tall, wide, and deep, isn't it?

Just when I think I've broken through the main, I hit ANOTHER layer.

Realize that yet another behavior/thought pattern, idiosyncrasy was created in response to yet another traumatic memory I had completely blocked all these years.

Feeling tired of breaking down walls. Guess it's better than building them, at least.

 

[eyebiter]

No denial here, was just glad that I wasn't going crazy! I couldn't figure out how I went from a nice guy to what I have become. I am willing to do the work to even get back to somewhat of the person I was.

 

[Elphaba]

That denial wall sure is tall, wide, and deep, isn't it?

Just when I think I've broken through the main, I hit ANOTHER layer.

Realize that yet another behavior/thought pattern, idiosyncrasy was created in response to yet another traumatic memory I had completely blocked all these years.

Feeling tired of breaking down walls. Guess it's better than building them, at least.

That is so accurate to how I feel - the bit about the layers! And also, meeting all the self-deception that has been going on. ("I am ok" and "it wasn't a big deal").

I have been in therapy for 2-3 months. I still keep waiting for the therapist to say "listen, it's not a big deal and you'll get over it in no time if you just ..." .

 

[Tinyflame]

Elphaba, that is so true, never thought of such a thing as self-deception because I never thought that wasn't true, I guess. Explain it away as your own internal-deficiencies.
And yes, I wholely-agree: whether it be a T or any other human being on earth I'd expect that response, too.

 

[Sterre]

Anyone else having trouble accepting the truth about the depth of your injury?

Every day feels like 100 days long.

So many triggers. So many stressors. So much intrusiveness. Avoidance, avoidance, avoidance.

Am having a hard time accepting with just how few of the moments of my life AREN'T affected - negatively - by my reactions to the traumas. That is, if there ARE any.

Oh my, oh my...denial, denail.denail!

I know it's an old topic but it's really current for me now. When I first came on this forum, I read a lot ( still do so), and thought that my state was not so bad. I was reading and thinking ; "Oh, I 'm glad I don't suffer this or that particulair symptom".
Especially the dissociating and numbing out parts were not applicable to me. Or that's what I choose to believe. Boy, was I wrong!

The things I automaticaly do to calm myself and keep myself balanced are acctually numbing and dissociating. How could I have been in such denial? Just thinking I was special and not so badly affected by my CPTSD. Yeah, right!:rolleyes:

I'm starting to see more and more about how I suffer the CPTSD symptoms, and It makes my world and my past tumble up side down. Things were not what I thought they were. I am not who I thought I was. When I look back now at certain live events and conflict I had with people around me, I see my part in these conflicts more clearly, and It changes my whole selfperception. Al the walls are slowly tumbling down, were I thought there were no walls.

On the one side I think it's hopefull to have these frozen walls melting down, but it causes a lot of grief and confusion. I am not who I thought I was, and that really hits me, because it means that I've misjudged a lot of people and situation in my life.
Ouch!

 

[anni]

It's an awfully good thread. Sometimes it seems we keep being handed situations until we're pretty well forced to face some big fat truths, seemingly whew-all at once. The denials and resultant avoidances sure as hell are not going anywhere, no matter how well you stuff them under the bed with the rest of the clutter you don't want to look at daily. I'm still not clear so will try to be brief but this surgery, hospital stay and now having to actually be not in control of any single thing-Seriously? This is ridiculous but I had to be medicated mildly to get to the hospital, as far as the pre-op stuff and beyond. With a 20 year old trauma, (yes, involving a surgeon and his whole dynamic but still... ) it seems wildly excessive and sure as hell have avoided/denied the crap out of hugely important elements of healing. I paid for it, too. This disc/fusion/plate thing should have been the focus, not the *sswipe who isn't even here on the planet anymore. Anyway, the whole ball of rather fetid wax is too complicated to get into at the moment but suffice to say the clear shame of being a 52 year old female blessed with all I am in life NOW still being haunted by those stupid shadows under the bed is actual 'shame'-not PTSD shame. There's a deserved difference, I think. This is also me only- everyone's path is different. I'm told ( and whew- boy can I feel it, and am kind of a tough sort of speciman physically ) it's going to be a longish recovery. When the head is clearer, I will say ( sans false heroics or sweeping statements ) some of these old horrors will be addressed properly and sent to hell where they belong. No idea how-that's for the T. Maybe PTSD isn't actually curable but this denial/avoidance thing is just plain a dumb way to live, you know?

Am being glared at by a bossy daughter so must flee. If this made zero sense please excuse. It made sense in my head, even on the re-read so thought it was safe, although am attempting to be very careful not to post much while still foggy. :)

 

[Sethe]

I'm feeling a bit erudite today (but not pretentious or arrogant- God, it's hard to not fall into this worry of being judged for spouting poetry/other references).

I'm tempted to modify a Shakespeare quote...

"Denial, denial, denial. Creeps in this petty pace from day to day."

I suppose the creeping part is the slow pace at which I remove a chunk of the wall. Or maybe the 'creeping part' represents how denial is continually encroaching upon my life (think of a fast growing vine)? Family members who relish life in denial (and who constantly try to undermine me) do not help.

I do not want to live my life in denial any more. I'd rather not be on my deathbed, look back and see a lie.

Denial sucks. Maybe that's why I try to be brutally honest with myself (well, what I perceive to be brutally honest).

Anyone ever read the poem about the path to truth being bordered literally by 'blades' of grass (weeds)? It's by Stephen Crane and it's soooo true for me. "Each blade is a singular knife." In some ways, it is easier to remain in denial because the truth is so painful, but denial can be painful as well... I think our bodies know when we are deluding ourselves which is also very unhealthy.

 

[seedling]

Bring on the poetry. Sometimes it says it all just right.