The Denial Wall

[BloomInWinter]

GREAT.

Yet ANOTHER wall comes crashing down, taking my self-esteem (what's left of it, anyway) with it.

Today, I walked into a building on campus and COULDN'T FIND MY WAY AROUND. This is a building that I've spent literally THOUSANDS of hours in over the past 2 1/2 decades. As student, worker, mentor, advisor, instructor, paramedic, and patron.

I was so dissociated...and apparently in one of my 'selves' that is SO young that it was like I'd never been there before. I didn't recognize people who were saying hello to me. That freakin' amnesia of my 'fragments' at it again.

Put that lame half-smile on my face and pretended I knew where I was going and tried to ground myself and still...couldn't pull myself together. I didn't let on I didn't recognize one person who smiled and said hello to me...including one who I just realized I WORKED WITH FOR YEARS.

Yes, I have to admit fully now that I have fragments.

...and those fragments have unique memories, experiences, talents, hobbies that apparently can't be accessed by others. This, I think, is at least partly why I get lost in places or forget people or...whatever.

Too scared to look at it. I want to call and cancel my T. sessions and give the @#$#!!! UP. I don't want to face this. I know I have to bring this up to my T. but I'm so frightened right now.

Realizing I am *that* broken. sheesh. SUCKS.

 

[Marie E.]

I hope you gain encouragement to go to your T session Bloom, I know life gets really hard. Sometimes I think I am still living in Canada lately in the place where I lived with my abuser. It is hard to ground myself too. I have times where I sometimes forget who I am and why the heck am I at this place. Sad to say that this has always stayed with me. I still have the feeling that nothing belongs to me, including my children, my apartment, even the city I live in, my country, like my abuser has succeeded in attaining what he has in the past - All the credit.

 

[BloomInWinter]

That I have so little of 'me' that isn't PTSD...that every area of my life is so damaged.

REALITY = SUCKFUL.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Sheesh....Been thrown through yet ANOTHER wall about my 'fixing others instead of living' self.

Wow. Just how much brain damage can one gal have?!

My life has been lived so rigidly to keep those walls in place....and now the flooding feels like it's going to drown me.

Again.

 

[mybrother]

Okay, so my brother has been to iraq and to afghanistan. I'm trying to figure out if he has PTSD. because even if he does he's the type of person that wont come to terms with it. so I thought you all may be able to help. I'd appreciate it.
Some of his symptoms are:
sleeping with a gun for the years since he went to war(He claims this is all result of war and there is nothing wrong with being cautious and that it is permanent.)
doesnt like going to place where he's not familiar.
doesnt like being in big citys like new york too many people
says he feels like he cant relate to anyone of his friends anymore like nobody understand (he was crying)
often asking what he is gonna do next with his life.
I only know of one break down he had where he was in the bathroom having a neervous breakdown after seeing something on TV.
Please tell me what you think and give me some advice on what I can do!

 

[Srain]

Sounds pretty familiar to me and it would not surprise me if it were so (these are things my brother, a retired special forces does and I do as we both have PTSD) but truthfully he can only be diagnosed properly by a professional. It's good you are here, welcome.

The denial I can surely relate to and the amount of stress and pain of facing the reality of what has brought me here is wearing sometimes :tdown:. Thinking that PTSD is something that will magically just resolve itself is a great fantasy but it's just that, a fantasy. I guess I am still going through the shocks of just how far reaching the tentacles are within me due to the traumas.

Rain

 

[mybrother]

Thanks SRAIN

 

[mamachick]

Somedays I am in denial about having ptsd. I have read so many of the things that have happened and led to ptsd with others, and although my childhood was not pleasant, I cant see that it caused ptsd. My T says I have it from childhood. My mother quit drinking before I was born but she was a single mother of 5 daughters and at times very raging. My older sisters would physically fight with her and there were arrests. I saw this stuff. She was depressed and I was neglected. Sometimes I was bullied by siblings. Sometimes I was very afraid-when I woke up and nobody was home and I was about 5 or 6.

I just dont know. Some days I can understand and wonder if that is when I am more connected to my feelings. Other days I just do not think that childhood caused ptsd. An accident in 2006, and then an assault in 2008 is what brought out the symptoms of ptsd. That I understand. They were both very traumatizing. If I really think about it, I can see some symptoms prior, but not clearly and not of the magnitude.

Am I confused or in denial????

 

[seedling]

I think recent trauma can be compounded by abuse in childhood. Maybe you never would have been diagnosed with PTSD if you had never had adult trauma. I would think that the stuff from childhood has links to your perceptions of the adult traumas and is now linked with the traumas themselves.

My childhood wasn't traumatic, but in therapy I'm going back to my childhood because of the negative emotions the trauma (18 months ago) has brought forward from that time. All to do with my image of myself, my lack of childhood emotional preparation to deal with the strong emotions of the trauma. I'm not to the bottom of it, but I feel like I'm about 6 yrs old sometimes. Have no idea why the trauma is bringing that all forward, maybe it was a critical time in my formation of personality or decisions I made at the time about how I was going to deal with emotion.

So, for me it's confusing to be back in my childhood in therapy right now instead of talking about the specifics of the trauma. And my denial voice is the voice that says to me "I don't have it that bad" - whatever that means.

 

[mamachick]

thank you seedling-you are right on

 

[mamachick]

Here in the middle of the night I feel so confused again. I question my diagnosis and think that maybe Im not even reporting accurately. I have felt overwhelmed for years now, I feel fear for the future and I dont feel like I have a future and dont know how to change that. I just think I am doomed to failure.

 

[Tinyflame]

'Here in the middle of the night' - probably affects a lot brat.:(
Persevere, it's ok, tomorrow(s) can get better.
(((((((brat))))))), xox