The Denial Wall

[mamachick]

Happy Birthday Ron

 

[Queen Boudica]

'I'll be especially good to people and treat them well, in spite of how they treat me'. 'They won't turn me into anything near resembling them.'

The problem with this conclusion was/is that somewhere along the way there was quite the mix-up in my head. ...THEN, maybe even still in some cases, I'd choose to too easily forgive and forget and respond kind, considerate, thoughtfully and loving to family and others THEN, who would in response mistreat and/or be manipulative and hatefully abusive of me again at their first real next opportunity.

So true.

 

[Froggie]

Anyone else having trouble accepting the truth about the depth of your injury?

Dear ((((Bloom)))), I have seen this thread a few times and "flighted" from it. Yes, denial is my biggest survival/defense mecanisme. I even warned my last psychologist and psychiatrist about that. Yes I denied the depth of my injury as it cuts my breath short when I dare to look at it. I denied that I had to take anti-psychotic meds to deal with my nightmares and flashbacks because they are SOOOOO vivide. And when I get to a rational state - I tell myself, well look Manou, this was REAL and REALLY awful what you witnessed. Anyone would have cracked. Some quit the job because they got scared when they realized some were in an organized crime using the system we were working on. When I realized that was going on, it was too late, my name was already stated. Was I scared ... No ... I WAS DAMNED TERRIFIED !!!! For my family and me!!!!

We live in a crazy world, ((((Bloom, Goingonhope, and all the others)))), we almost have to be crazy up to some point to be able to survive all this.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Am thinking....I want my denial back.

I was more functional with it than I am now. Or at least...I didn't *know* how dysfunctional I was.

 

[justin]

I am still in denial about my childhood and that may be why i was able to function fine for some time but here i am.
Still trying to push through the denial that everything had no effect on me or was not that bad even normal.

 

[BloomInWinter]

UGH. Getting hit with how many of my resentments kept the traumas frozen in time while the rest of the world marched on without me.

I feel like Ripley Van Winkle!

 

[Queen Boudica]

DeNial - isn't that a river in Egypt? (UGH, terrible joke!)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hey, Denial is my favorite place to live!! Reality is just too much sometimes!!

Truthfully, I'm working on moving out...of denial.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Another layer....this one is SO.F'IN.PAINFUL.

If I'd have gotten help sooner, maybe I'd have been able to make peace with my cousin before she died.

Maybe I'd have stopped running and taken the helping hands extended to me. Maybe I'd have made some good memories along the way, instead or re-traumatizations, conflict, and avoidance.

Maybe now I'd have something to feel good about in the first three decades of my life.

I'm so broken now, I don't think healing is possible. I didn't realize how badly I dissociate and switch off.

UGH.

 

[Lionheart]

(((Bloom)))

I have found that it isn't very helpful to wonder "what if" because it is the same as "should-ing" on ourselves... I should have done this and that...or "if only" I had done this then this would have happened etc. Maybe you are right, but what good does it do to look back with regret when you can look forward to a better life now that you have broken through the wall of denial?

I understand that you are accepting the damage done, but when we look back to the past too long, we can get stuck in it and then it doesn't seem possible to heal...but you can heal and most of the time once we have put our feet on a healing path, we stay on that path....even though it is painful and sometimes it is excruciatingly slow, we do heal from our wounds.

I remember years ago that I once had no hope of ever healing from the past. So many regrets and too much damage it seemed...so that I thought of myself as damaged goods and that it was a permanent state....I was wrong. It has taken me many years but I have healed a great deal.

From time to time I still wonder how things would have been different if I had never been traumatized so severely, but it is a passing thought and I come back to the reality that I can only deal with the here and now and from there, I find a place of power to overcome the influence of the past.

Maybe if you had gotten help sooner things would have been different, but you didn't....still, you are getting help now and I think it would be a good thing if you could stop and appreciate just how much strength it takes to get to that point.

I hope I am making sense and being helpful to you, I think you are a good person and I would not want to see you get trapped by the world of "what if's "!!!

healing hugs,
LH

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Lionheart))))

Thank you for your kindness.

Please excuse my whining....sick, lonely, and in pain makes for a bad combo. I'll be on my feet again soon.

 

[Lionheart]

Awww you are welcome (((BloomInWinter)))

Please don't feel like you are whining though, it is tough to feel what you are feeling now. Still, I know you are right and you will be back on your feet soon........until then,
I send you big warm healing hugs,
LH