Childhood Getting spanked and striped naked waist down as a kid traumatized me

[Serendipity26]

I don't think anyone on the forum can answer this for you, no matter how honest they are being. None of us were there, none of us know you irl. So, what you think of it and what a professional that knows you thinks your perception is due to matters way more. So taking everything you've experienced plus read here into consideration. What are your own thoughts?

I think it’s a normal reaction given what my dad did.. but i don’t know. If I could take a pill on if this was part of anyone else’s childhood then I can put it into perspective. But I don’t know I’ve been too afraid to ask anyone. Were you raised like this? I don’t want to be intrusive so if you don’t want to answer then don’t I was just wondering.

 

[Chris-duck]

If I could take a pill on if this was part of anyone else’s childhood then I can put it into perspective

Yeah. But unfortunately everyone's experiences are different. So it doesn't matter essentially if other people experienced the identical situation. Cos normal views of discipline are different, experiences of abuse are different and responses to both scenarios are different. It's too individual for anyone to answer this for you. Which is annoying but yeah, it's also true.

Were you raised like this? I don’t want to be intrusive so if you don’t want to answer then don’t I was just wondering

Um. I experienced CSA, I wasn't hit until my teens. I didn't want to ignore the question, but I also don't think that is relevant here. Seriously, speak to a professional, decide how to define your own experiences and go from there.

 

[RubyBlue]

Like mentioned earlier, this would be better unpacked during therapy because we all have such varying experiences. Like you, I was stripped naked and spanked by my dad. It was humiliating and I hated it. I also had some pretty extreme behaviors as a kid, but I also had CSA/divorce/really unsettled home life/other abuse so I can’t really separate what caused what in men if that makes sense.

What I feel for you is similar to what Friday mentioned, there’s something else going on here. Either some neurological abnormality (nothing to be ashamed about at all) that caused extreme reactions. Or the spankings were more than just spankings and you don’t realize it because that’s all you’ve been exposed to (nothing to be ashamed about there either).

I’ll add my experience just for perspective because I honestly don’t know what’s “normal” for spanking versus what’s not because it is a vast spectrum.

When I would be spanked:

*Always began with yelling/getting in my face/calling me names

*Next I would be ordered to my room where I was instructed to completely strip and lay down on the bed

*Dad would come in and give me roughly 20-30 (I would always lose count) slaps with his bare hand across my butt, lower back, and thighs (I would squirm and fight) while he yelled at me to hold still/name calling/etc

*After I would have to stay in my room for at least the day if not longer to think about whatever I did

No idea where any of that lands on the spectrum but I definitely had issues. Whether those issues had anything to do with the spankings I really don’t know.

****edited to add, my last spanking happened when I was 12 but due to other circumstances I wasn’t around him anymore after that anyway

 

[Friday]

I think you’re right. If you don’t mind me asking — can you give your honest opinion on what case scenario you think this is going off on my original post.

No idea. Those aren’t the only 2 options, either. Just a couple of examples to showcase why no possible example is laughable/ and they all rate being taken seriously by a professional.

None of us were there, none of us know you irl. So, what you think of it and what a professional that knows you thinks your perception is due to matters way more

Seriously, speak to a professional, decide how to define your own experiences and go from there.

^^^Exactly these^^^

 

[Ronin]

@Annalyn78

You on another hand I read fair clear as abuse of several kinds... not (appropriate discipline) spanking.

There's no need to continue with spankings till the kid is twelve / by then even if I were pro-spanking as useful, which I'm not, the kid you can well talk to, revoke their TV and phone and comp and tablet and what not privileges, sit with them more until they do the homework, housework, hobbies preparation, take care of siblings, brush their hair, whatever, better, serious things like drugs issues one wouldn't want to punish for anyway & they're the parent's problem to right in many ways more than the kid's.... etc...

So I could go on with a list of reasons that age, unnecessary, and if not necessary, not justifiable.

But wait... there is more, you life. I'm so sorry.

The preface with humiliation. Every goddamn time even. That's just wrong. You don't need to do that to a kid / the purpose ain't so they feel awful about *themselves*... but about what they have *done* and hell not even that... its not about making the kid feel bad. It's about making them see the action was wrong and not repeat it. Destroying the kid's whole value... every goddamn time... accomplishes none learning whatsoever.

The f*ck is that bit with going to room, strip naked, lay for hours... that's just plain bizarre. And wrong. And unnecessary. And I can't think of a single educational & good parenting reason that would accomplish. Nor is that any way a common practice connected to pro-spanking culture... that I'd know of. So nope. Not spanking. Sexual abuse & humiliation & endangering you (a hurt kid with no move & confinement & subjected to no protection from the environs with stripped naked? Shit f*ck, I can think of so many ways you coulda died just in that room while he celebrated how powerful parent he is.)

The slaps after are such bullshit, altogether. As in if a spanker? You spank, age proportionate, offense proportionate, in a limited time / don't make it drag, don't make it a thing to stir feeling bad for every little thing in the universe, use methods that don't hurt the kid (a reason ass is chosen is for it being muscle that doesn't have essential to life blood vessels etc. Ie = hurting it hurts but doesn't put the kid's life or health / bodily functions in danger. Precisely the reason spanking might be kosher but anal rape is definitely not.)

So yeah. Another 'that's no spanking but plain abuse' about those slaps.

A fricking DAY? Yeah no, that is bs timeout... and soo not on you. ;) Normal would be spank the kid, let them re-dress, help them redress if they can't themselves (... and not repeat that. Bc if they can't dress up for whatever reason you screwed up, something is going on, and you might want to take the kid to a doctor or ER pronto, bc loss of acquired motor control following discipline just shows an injury that can be x levels Baad)... give the kid water & food (spankings are exhaaausting... need to get that energy up) and continue the day. As normal.

Not leave the kid isolated after it... much less extended time or totally isolated... for many protecting them reasons.

Too many words, short vers: Your dad mighty f*cked up, not you.

 

[Serendipity26]

Like mentioned earlier, this would be better unpacked during therapy because we all have such varying experiences. Like you, I was stripped naked and spanked by my dad. It was humiliating and I hated it. I also had some pretty extreme behaviors as a kid, but I also had CSA/divorce/really unsettled home life/other abuse so I can’t really separate what caused what in men if that makes sense.

What I feel for you is similar to what Friday mentioned, there’s something else going on here. Either some neurological abnormality (nothing to be ashamed about at all) that caused extreme reactions. Or the spankings were more than just spankings and you don’t realize it because that’s all you’ve been exposed to (nothing to be ashamed about there either).

I’ll add my experience just for perspective because I honestly don’t know what’s “normal” for spanking versus what’s not because it is a vast spectrum.

When I would be spanked:

*Always began with yelling/getting in my face/calling me names

*Next I would be ordered to my room where I was instructed to completely strip and lay down on the bed

*Dad would come in and give me roughly 20-30 (I would always lose count) slaps with his bare hand across my butt, lower back, and thighs (I would squirm and fight) while he yelled at me to hold still/name calling/etc

*After I would have to stay in my room for at least the day if not longer to think about whatever I did

No idea where any of that lands on the spectrum but I definitely had issues. Whether those issues had anything to do with the spankings I really don’t know.

****edited to add, my last spanking happened when I was 12 but due to other circumstances I wasn’t around him anymore after that anyway

Ugh that sounds horrible. I can clearly say yours is abuse, but as you said you also had other things that happened in later childhood. To be honest, my dad ended up getting verbally abusive later in my teens and would yell, use threats, and punch walls over minor things because he was angry at other people but would take it out on us. He got physically abusive with one of my siblings once and defended himself by saying it’s because they’re hard headed and that’s the only thing that would get their attention. He stopped hanging out with us and would be consumed with his own hobbies in my preteens, and my parents divorced after a series of yelling fights reckless driving while in the car together without us, throwing things out of the house etc. I have to say that even though we went through all of that and it was scary as hell (I would stay out of his way in my room and one of my siblings started hiding under their bed to do things) I think the things that still gets me triggered the most is corporal punishment — not that the other stuff isn’t triggering because it is. (May have mostly contributed to my feelings of wanting to be abused) But everyone is different, maybe it was because my brain wasn’t fully developed at the time I don’t know. I just hate how much I’m fixated on it again — during sex. I went to a therapist the other day and she said what I described sounded like ptsd and lots of people come into her sessions to talk about that — it made me feel somewhat better including the suprised look she gave when I told her we were made to strip naked for it. But I couldn’t help but feel guilty talking about it because I know some people go through way worse. I didn’t describe everything because I feel like a fool talking about it — I wish I could get over it and laugh like everyone else. I’m not sure if I’ll go back to her yet but it was helpful just expensive and in the back of my mind I feel she may be faking her sympathy but that could just be a projection of how I feel about myself.
I do know that a parent can have the best loving intentions and still mess someone up without them having a neurological abnormality. I have seen some of the parents with the best loving intentions be proud of how they raised their kids and the now adult kids having a completely different story of how they were raised.

 

[somerandomguy]

Still I feel that I am of the few and i hate how it made me turn out. I feel as if I’m on my own island when around most people of the conversation comes around and of course I stay silent.

Even if the spanking was completely "appropriate" - and I don't think there is ANY level of "appropriate" for hitting a child - it obviously affected you very much, whether it was "abuse" or not. (I would classify it as abuse. Others would not.)

I don't think you're one out of a million. I think the spankings that my parents gave me as a child deeply affected me. Not to the level of large-T Trauma. But I believe that it led me to understand that I had no agency whatsoever in my life, leading me to be a very passive and unhappy person and eventually setting me up for the large-T Trauma that DID occur to me a couple of decades later.

Your feelings are acceptable. In the time and place I was a child, spankings were a fact of life. I don't know if anyone else in that time and place was affected to the extent that I was. But I was.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I think the shame is a big part of what you are going through. It wasn't your fault. Shame was big in my history, and when I finally told Mother Superior at school, she said that it didn't happen in nice families. More shame. I couldn't tell my therapist about my trauma for almost a year! Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Everyone is different, and this had a HUGE effect on your life.

 

[Ellabella44]

My mother did that. Take pants off in front of other kids and hit me till she felt I'd learned my lesson. Most memorable Christmas day when all extended family were there. This happened in a room my cousins and I were playing in. And I was dragged by my arm down the hallway past everyone to stand facing the Christmas tree while everyone was in the room.

After she re married it changed over to my step father smacking me with a yardstick till it broke on occasion. And he took me with him to get new one.

I chose time out instead with my kids. It worked. I did not have to worry if I would loose control and abuse them. I also later years would gently say I love you but I don't love your behavior. And that seemed to work as well. Unlike my mother, My kids love me without fearing me. My caring for them doesn't come with strict strings of you must love me above all others.

So you may want to try time out if your boyfriend spanking the kids bothers you.

 

[user27357]

same story here. I thought I deserved it for a long time, I was a hellion after they started in with a new religion (cult) on me. Then I realised- hey wait a minute- I was at least 12 when that STARTED! I had been spanked and it stopped when I was old enough to take it without crying, probably 6 or 8 years old, I don't know, it was pretty sporadic before the cult. After that, looking back, it was boot camp for rebelious non beleiving kids, probably based on some principles in a book published by the cult.

Spankings resumed, and for me, with my ability to just bear it, down came the pants. It hurt worse I guess but how much more can a 250 lb 6 foot 4 parent unleash on a 12 year old? It drove me out of the house. I blamed myself when things got tough for a 14 yr old basically living on the streets and couch surfing and those feelings stuck.

No way. They tried to humiliate me because I didn't care to join in with the prayer/dress/food/school/lifeplan they chose for me. You know what? The cult lives on, their detachment from their own children lives on, only my feelings of shame and self blame have died. It was not my fault.

My kids got spanked only when there was a behavior that if left unpunished would cause more damage than the spanking. Deciding what that is was a tough one, but my wife and I had to agree before there was any spanking. Run in the parking lot and refuse to stop when told? a spank. Hurt another child on purpose? Spanking. By the time they were 10-12 and making life steering choices spanking would have been so far from a choice i cannot imagine it ever coming into a discussion. Drug use? lets talk. Teen sex or pregnancy? lets talk. criminal behavior? maybe at 12 there would have been an intervention hosted by one of my law enforcement friends, hell, my son was mowing their lawns when he was 12, there may have been some conversations about criminality but I never heard about it. They were good kids and the spankings were so early and few and far between I can only remember a few, but I bet they remember every one of them. I HOPE they will spank my grandkids if they run in a parking lot and won't stop when told.

Bare bottom spankings at 11 is just plain useless and wrong and every other word describing a sick and futile way to bring another person into compliance with their wishes. I wonder how my old man would have felt about getting the shit kicked out of him because he refused to change HIS life choices to meet someone elses? at 12, he probably would have blamed himself and hopefully gotten over it.

 

[Serendipity26]

I think the shame is a big part of what you are going through. It wasn't your fault. Shame was big in my history, and when I finally told Mother Superior at school, she said that it didn't happen in nice families. More shame. I couldn't tell my therapist about my trauma for almost a year! Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Everyone is different, and this had a HUGE effect on your life.

I’m sorry for such a late reply. I had to take a break from here for a while, but I think you’re right. Shame played a big part of my life for a while and still does. As hard as it is to admit I really think it effected my development sexually. I told someone that on a chat site and they laughed and said it was funny and sad at the same time. More shame. Not many people are affected like I was either so it’s hard to talk about it but I almost am 100 percent certain that corporal punishment was the cause. And it’s because it started out with me hitting myself and obsessing about it so much. I wish now that I got caught doing it maybe they would have stopped or took me to get help. Maybe they would have realized, but I can’t tell anyone now. That is extremely shameful to admit that something your parents did to help you only hurt you in the worst way possible. This is something that most people accept as a normal cultural thing. I still get angry and sad and almost disgusted of people when I overhear them talking about it. As horrible as it sounds I feel rageful (it doesn’t show) but why me out of all people — why can’t I be normal and not be affected/not care.

Even if the spanking was completely "appropriate" - and I don't think there is ANY level of "appropriate" for hitting a child - it obviously affected you very much, whether it was "abuse" or not. (I would classify it as abuse. Others would not.)

I don't think you're one out of a million. I think the spankings that my parents gave me as a child deeply affected me. Not to the level of large-T Trauma. But I believe that it led me to understand that I had no agency whatsoever in my life, leading me to be a very passive and unhappy person and eventually setting me up for the large-T Trauma that DID occur to me a couple of decades later.

Your feelings are acceptable. In the time and place I was a child, spankings were a fact of life. I don't know if anyone else in that time and place was affected to the extent that I was. But I was.

Thank you for your post. As hard as it is to admit I had to leave this site for a while because I was triggering myself to the point of wanting to self harm (cut). I’m glad I’m not the only one that was badly effected by it. I just wish by now I can forget about it. It’s like I flip. I have masochistic tendencies at times — I guess it helps me feel better and in control, but then the moment I hear it happening to someone else (someone talking about it. Ie This one coworker doesn’t shut up about their views on it I swear) I get extremely angry/depressed and shut down for days. That’s probably a sign that I need to work it out, but this is in comparison to people experiencing extreme abuse. Mine is even more shaming because it wasn’t intentional, it was supposed to be for my best interest, and how ungrateful of me for being hurt by it and resenting my parents for it at times. I hate it and wish I could throw myself away and start over because of it. And that’s when I go into denial and start acting like I live in a perfect world and nothing bad ever happened to me. As I’m typing this out I feel that I have huge denial/avoidant issues that I need to work on.

 

[frogthroat]

Yes, my mom did this and I thought being anally penetrated with fingers afterwards was a normal part of a spanking. Now I'm a lesbian that likes pain and punishment sex scenarios. I don't think hitting your child is ever right but having your child be half naked while doing is almost always sexual in nature whether the parent realizes it or not.
The world s f*cked up and kids are just viewed as commodities mostly. That's just how it is. I don't have kids and I never will bring anyone here because I think it's completely selfish but some people do have kids to try to fill their void. Maybe don't let your boyfriend have anything to do with punishment? That's just my opinion. I have to state that because I've stated my opinion before and got banned from a thread.