The Edge Of The Abyss

[Deleted member 6617]

Now there is time for planning, and getting yourself set up with a reliable stable source of income.

Oh how I wish that were true! I still owe this months rent as well, so I am not by any means out of crisis. But the glimmer of hope helps me keep going. I did speak to my landlord last night and told him about the truck, but that I did not know when I would be receiving the money. He was understanding and said he would give me a little more time.

Today I am having horrible withdrawals. Monday I started on the nasty job of going off the Oxycotin. Doing it slow to be sure, but it is awful. Tomorrow will mark one month since I've started this breaking free process of perscription drugs. Been hard for sure, but I want to be free to be myself. I don't want to be the drug induced false indentity I have been. I guess in the midst of other things, that is a victory. I wish I could hang onto that when that abyss calls out. I hope that gets easier and less often.

PH

 

[Nishkaa]

Wow PH,

This is an amazing sign of major inner strength to keep with the goal of coming off the Oxycontins-- wow. Very impressive!

I tried to send you a PM to some links of rent and emergency funding (from the 211 website for your area), so maybe that can help as well. One crazy day at a time, eh? ;-) I'm really glad you spoke with the landlord and he's willing to extend some flexibility-- that was a really good move and I'm glad there's some flexibility there.

I hope all goes well at your therapists appointment. Coming off of addictive medications you would think would also constitue a disability issue, in addition to PTSD, while all these crazy financial stressors. I wish there were emergency funds or emergency disability of some sort? Getting through all this, I'm sure you could write a great book!

The abyss will get easier and easier when we practice resisting it and find other possibilities and resolutions. Don't be afraid to call out to crisis lines, if it's hard to resist-- the help is there for that as well. If it gets too hard, also don't be afraid of using the hospital if you need it. Surviving is the most important thing, above everything else.

Sometimes the best we can do is to just keep standing, but it's a good thing to do, because we can get through these crises, and it's really marvellous to survive them, get through them and be on the other side of them, to look back and appreciate how well we did through a really difficult period in our lives.

I see you handling things with honesty, honesty about the abyss. I'm really impressed with your coping, being honest about when it's really difficult, having the strength to find ways to pull you through, looking at and using your options and resources. You are an Eleanor Roosevelt-- and much much more, in my opinion!!! :) You certainly do have an incredible amount of inner strength and that's amazing!

Thinking of you,
~Nishkaa

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Had an appointment with T today. Didn't feel like much was accomplished. Tried to tell her how deperate I was feeling. All the things I've done to try and solve my imediate needs. How I can't wrap my brain around it all. It just doesn't matter what I do or how hard I try. She says go to my safe place in my head. Sure....I go there but that doesn't do anythng for my current needs. None of it makes a difference. What ever happens happens. I'm too tired. Why am I even writing this. Sorry...... need to go read the encouragement I have received. Maybe it will help.

 

[bluecat]

Hi PH,

I might be completely off base here, but I am confused by your therapist's reactions. It seems different from what I would find helpful. If you're overwhelmed by your current situation, she should remind you that you are not as helpless and stuck as you were when you were traumatized. She should remind you of the things you've already accomplished and the things you're making progress on and give you suggestions of organizations that might be of help or point out resources that you already have but are not using. Thats what I'd consider empowering and helpful.

Sending you to a safe place in your head could be counterproductive if its a place from which you can't take action and initiate steps towards getting a safe place in real life, so be careful about that. I am getting annoyed at her. Is she a good therapist? You've mentioned several times that you're not getting a useful response. Would your insurance let you try someone else, while you're seeing her? Or could you tell her what you'd like to get from her in response? She might be receptive to your suggestions.

Also, as far as your practical situation, its bound to get worse before it gets better, but everything you've done so far will pay off eventually. A year from now, you'll be at a much better position and you will look back on this and think, wow, it was tough, but I made it through.

Here's to hope, I am rooting for you!

Bluecat

 

[Deleted member 6617]

LOL..Bluecat, I said that very thing to her about the safe place in my head. So, I am being careful. Unfortunately, I have no insurance and had to resort to our county mental health and be given who ever was available. Beggers can't be choosers ya know. For the most part she has helped, she tries to direct me to positive thinking. She does try to get me to think about what I am good at and how to focus on that more. I use the word tries.....don't know if it is because I am so deep in depression, or I'm stubborn, overwhelmed, exhausted, what....but I just sat there and stared at her yesterday. Couldn't even form an intelegent thought to respond to her questions in a clear way.

God...I don't know how to crawl out of this damn place. Today I don't even want to try. I don't have it in me, and I don't really care. I feel like I did in the rape and torture. Just do what your gonna do and get it over with. I couldn't fight then, I was tied up. This all feels the same. Thought I was going to be killed then and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop him. This feels the same. I can't do a damn thing to stop this and it is not for lack of trying. Really sucks to think I lived through that to go through this crap. I am so tired of it. I feel beat up and thrown aside. So what ever happens happens, I just want it over with.

 

[anni]

Oh that would be tough, going into a session so tied up in the Now, needing the answers so immediately and having to torque one's head all around and through some segment of the reams and reams of horrors which got you there in the first place.Overwhelmed? How would one not be.

You're so smart, and tougher than anyone should ever have had to be, and capable-I don't understand any more than you why this is is the way it is-too much.You have been through so much too much though. Through is the word. It sucks too much yet again, you'll get through-at some point it won't suck so much again. Someday not at all. That's zero comfort, I know. It's just that the person who survived this far is capable of pretty much anything.

Best, best wishes, PH.

 

[bluecat]

God...I don't know how to crawl out of this damn place. Today I don't even want to try. I don't have it in me, and I don't really care. I feel like I did in the rape and torture. Just do what your gonna do and get it over with. I couldn't fight then, I was tied up. This all feels the same. Thought I was going to be killed then and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop him. This feels the same. I can't do a damn thing to stop this and it is not for lack of trying. Really sucks to think I lived through that to go through this crap. I am so tired of it. I feel beat up and thrown aside. So what ever happens happens, I just want it over with.

You do know how to crawl out of the damn place and you are doing a wonderful job of it! Just because you need a break doesn't mean you're giving up. Its important to notice the difference between giving up and taking a break. This situation is difficult, but its not the same as when you were powerless. You are not throwing in the towel, tell your scared and stirred emotions to chill a little, you'll be back up and fighting and comforting and being the superwoman you are, just as soon as you catch a little breath. Take a rest. Have you done anything nice for yourself today? I think you should. You deserve it. A nice warm shower, a candle, nice cup of tea, whatever makes you feel safe and comforted.

Listen to me talking, lol, I am really bad about taking a break myself. Maybe thats why I know how it feels to be running on dry. You're doing great PH, things will look brighter tomorrow.

:Hug_emoticon:
Bluecat

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Anni and Bluecat,

You two have so much optimism. Wish I could reach through the computer and hold onto it. Thanks for the vote of confidence. I hope I don't disappoint.

 

[James B.]

PH, this is sort of editorializing, not meaning to minimize what’s going on in your life right now.

When younger, was a serious rock climber. Times on the cliffs things went wrong; weather, getting lost, partner meltdowns, etc. Times I wanted to escape, but couldn’t. Had to stay on task, not rush it, and just work through. Remember mentally having to “let go” just a little. Couldn’t really change things that were beyond my control and mentally had to stay present. Every second. Had to resign myself to the process a little, too exhausted and scared to do anything else. Especially since there wasn’t anything else I could do.

Couldn’t even think, “OK, when we get to the top, it’s going to be dark, and we’ve got no lamp or sweaters”. Concerns with the future, even a couple hours ahead, just added to the tension, drained my brain of needed resources. Resources I needed to make critical decisions in a situation with potential for disaster and real consequences.

When your sails are full of wind and the water’s smooth, you can grip the rudder firm, no problem. But when it’s storm water, especially for long periods, you’ve got to relax your grip on the rudder and let the erratic currents wash over, let the thing flow on her own. Guide it, yes, but with a relaxed grip.

That’s my two cents. I think you’re doing awesome.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I hear you James. I need to relax my grip without completely letting go. Not an all or nothing action is it? Can't force, need to guide and leave room for the current to do it's thing.

Deep breath...relax grip...do something nice for myself....so much good advice. Now, I need to try and apply it!

Thanks All! PH

 

[anni]

Believe it or not, I don't really have that optimism. :) It's not the yay-rah, you can do it variety anyway-that was sort of filed off the nerve endings through far too many situations such as you're in at the moment.There's zero smugness in that staement, either, PH-please do believe that. As in 'I did it so can you'. I would hope you'd throw the computer somewhere out the nearest window with me in it if I ever came out with something that nauseating. I think it's more like a weary voice from the other side, if you see what I mean. I guess the optimistic part would be that there is a great deal of joy over here. Where the hell the f**king bridge is this time-God what a question.it is the entire point, I know. I just thought I'd sort of stand over here and wave my arms, in case it's at all something usefull.

I hope even that did not make you wish to fling the keyboard somewhere. You're a peach, PH. Just so you know.

Anni

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Just one small step to sink into that permanent relief. Damn I hate being here again. I hate the thing that triggered it. I hate that I have to do it again on friday. I hate that I am so f***ing lonely I feel invisible. I hate the conflicting feelings that have been stirred up that I can't seem to calm down or seperate or make sense of. I hate feeling so weak in my mind. I hate that I feel physically sick because of it. Screaming, crying, hurting myself to give me something else to think about, lost, lonely, ranting, unfocused. Don't have the courage or will to call anyone. What does it matter anyway. "Here we go again", "get over it", platitudes. There is nothing anyone can do or say to get me through this. Just makes it uncomfortable for them as well as me. No....won't drag anyone into my darkness and piss them off because I can't just snap out of it. Well crap....why the hell am I writing this then? Isn't that what I am doing here? It is different though, at least that is what I tell myself. Nobody has to respond to my rantings. Nobody knows me personally to be pulled into my world of darkness. Hell, nobody really would miss PH if there were no more posts.

OMG...I want to be better than this, stronger than this, healthier than this. I hear it now....stop kicking yourself, beating yourself up, I am not the one at blame, put the blame where it belongs. The blame I am hitting myself with is the inability to get control of these freaking downward spirals. Last two days have been hell on earth. Trying to do what my T has been teaching. Can't focus enough to reach my safe spot. Then the phychatrist yesterday threatens me with the whole hospital thing again. Pisses me off. I would loose my daughter for sure if that happened. I would be declared the family nut case and be treated as such. They don't understand what I am going through, they don't want to. I am so raw and unstable it is scary. Huh...he wanted the names of friends or family in my file....just in case. I didn't give him any. He wants to make sure I have a good support system in place. I told him I did. LOL....sure I do...if I would call them, which I don't. Learned a long time ago that that makes things worse not better.

Yes, I have made progress. I have accomplished a lot. I have stuck to my plans. Then I fall back and loose all that I gained because of a trigger. I was doin better. I had a few good days. I was seeing hope. Where is all that right now? Why can't I see it? Why can't I feel it? Tired of this fight. Tired of trying and being beat up again and again. 47 years old and starting over, and with PTSD rearing its ugly head. Sure other people do it. Does that mean I can? Sure have my doubts right now that I want to be around long enough to even try any more.

Stupid work party coming up. We can bring an adult guest. When I sent in my RSVP I had to put down just one person. No one to go with. God that sucks too! It is at a winery and I can't even drink. So no getting drunk to hide the hurt and loneliness. I feel so out of place and like I don't belong or fit in to anyplace, or with anyone. Dinner, Auction, dancing, open bar, and me by myself. Wow....what a fun evening that will be. Course if I don't go then I get "a talking to" by my higher ups.

After meeting with my ex the other day I get an email from his brother in law. He wanted me to know it was nice to see me and that the family still loves me and is not mad at me, but hopes I can work things out. Yay....cuz I am the one to blame for this whole thing and my ex is mister nice guy and can do no wrong. What a bunch of bullshit. Who are they to judge me? Are they completely blind to the last 25 years of suffering that has gone on in our family? Easy to turn a blind eye I guess. And of course they are only getting one side of the issues.

God I am a raving idiot, aren't I? Don't need that to be answered, I already know I am. What is to keep me from stepping off that edge this time? Better find something soon!

PH