The Edge Of The Abyss

[bluecat]

Oh God....I am so extremely scared .... I don't know how to do this! I have lost my confidence and my drive. I am so damn depressed. I have lost trust in others and myself. I am so lonely....God...I'm sorry. Why did I come back on here just to cry, vent, whine more. Not doing anyone any good. Not who I am or how I want to be. I don't know who I am any more. God I hope this isn't it!

Hi PH,

I am sorry you're feeling this overwhelmed and sad. It feels this way because its a pretty freaking big deal to go through what you're going through and many people are not even able to do it. Please, don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself the credit you deserve - you have accomplished a lot under enormous pressure and are an inspiration to me.

You don't have to solve all your problems immediately. You got a home, a car, a dog, belongings, and a horse before, you will get them again. Not overnight, but it will happen.

You still have your identity, you are still you, the strong and resourceful person, who has pulled through so many tough times and also the woman who reaches for help when she needs support, which is an incredibly brave thing to do with your experiences.

Over time, you will heal and you will enjoy life and recover your hope. You will develop new friendships (you already have friends here and they don't think you are a whiner, I think you are an inspiration) and you will also find new love and this time it will be with someone who deserves you, there are some benefits to experience : )

I hope you feel better soon, I remember going through these kinds of feelings after I left my ex and it was very hard.

Take care,
Bluecat

 

[ClairBear226]

Sweetie, I don't have a lot of words that will be helpful, and I don't know which direction to point you towards for help. But I want you to know that I'm thinking of you, and am sending hugs your way. May tomorrow be a better day. (((HUGS)))~ Clair

 

[Deleted member 6617]

SO lovely to know it gave you an awful lot of comfort, so will shush. :)

Oh Anni, please don't ever shush! I have gotten so much from every one of your posts and encouragement! Wow...20 years? Your experience, your lessons, your triumphs, your wisdom you have gathered over the years are valuable. I hope that you know that when you share those things you are making a difference. You have made a difference and been a comfort and encouragement to me. I hope I come through this with even half as much grace as you seem to have.

Over time, you will heal and you will enjoy life and recover your hope. You will develop new friendships (you already have friends here and they don't think you are a whiner, I think you are an inspiration) and you will also find new love and this time it will be with someone who deserves you, there are some benefits to experience : )

Thanks Bluecat! I can't believe you are saying I am an inspiration.....OMG....YOU are the inspiration! I always feel inspired to try harder and that I can over come more when I read what you have been through. Sheesh....you inspire me big time! LOL....find new love? THAT is probably going to take a God sized miracle to get me to consider that. Right now I would be happy to feel some healing, and learn to enjoy life again, and yes....recover my hope. Small steps!

I want you to know that I'm thinking of you, and am sending hugs your way.

Thanks so much Clair. Means a lot to me and feels so very comforting! Just what I needed!

I am feeling like a big ole cry baby. You all have been so supportive and encourageing and I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I feel accepted for who I am and I feel my pain and suffering have been validated. That is huge....Really huge! Thank You! Dang....off to find those kleenex again!

PH

 

[anni]

Hee- I cried the first time I got a reply here and still do on a regular basis, reading other's things here. Did you see James's post with his healing photos? Had me dripping, in a good way! It's a NICE sort of bunch of tears, isn't it? The thing is, you wouldn't have them if you hadn't been the sort of genuine person who attracts respect by virtue of your own grace. Not so consistantly.

Another hee ( but thank you for the kind words ) is that anything less gracefull than me falling into that backho bucket I have yet to behold. Still limping slightly.

 

[LSNP]

I haven't even finished your post. I finished the first paragraph and felt compelled to respond.

I could have written it.

I'm on that edge, too... and, Great. Here come the hated tears. Just from knowing that, at the very least, I am not alone.

 

[LSNP]

Have you ever talked to a Victim's Advocate? Is there a Seeds of Hope in your area?

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Hi LSNP,

I am sorry to hear you are in the same spot. Not a good place to be, but it is somehow helpful to know we are not alone. Yeah.....I am very familiar with those hated tears, though I have come to accept them as a release. The other thing that helps is being able to share and write things out here. I hope you can do the same.

Yes, I have been in touch with every sort of help I can find. Things are happening, just takes a lot of time and energy and persistance.

I really am sorry you are struggling.....hope you find some peace and feel free to write things out on here. I really do hope so.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Today my T told me if I don't sign a no suicide contract and write a plan of suicide prevention she will no longer see me. God it frustrates me that I was honest with her last week. She has grabbed onto the whole suicidal thoughts thing and put a stop to any more moving through therapy until we put my suicidal thoughts to rest. I just wanted to say...stop bringing it up....I'm not there now, but you sure as hell are pushing me into those thoughts by bringing it up over and over. Just pissed me off! Now why can I get angry at her and at that and I haven't yet got angry over the real crap going on. People keep saying "I hope your pissed", is that weird? No...suppressed anger. It will come out eventually and I hope no one I love is around me when it does. Rabbit trail.... sorry...

 

[James B.]

You've been doing a lot of hard work Pottershand. I haven't stopped by much and offered any feedback or anything. Thought I'd just post this video, and let the music do my talking for me. Hope you enjoy it. Take care Pottershand.

 

[anni]

There's no rabbit trail there, PH. If it were me ( but I'm avoidant as crap so would see this as a way to say something direct without it having to come out of my mouth ) I'd print what you wrote there out and take it with you next time. Those suicide contracts, when so concrete, do drive me a little crazy. Mine with my T is something I just see as buying time, if I'm feeling like that, for the knee-jerk 'I'm going to DO IT' time to pass and my head to engage another knee jerk reaction-which is to call him. In point of fact, once that has kicked in I'm generally stepped back enough to not be THERE any more. He was cool enough to pretty much explain this, too, on the grounds that I not feel trapped OR like he was going to invoke whatever-it-is which would have me stuck on a psyche hold.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

James that was wonderful!!! Thank you for sharing it! I do feel the support and encouragement!

Anni...that is exactly what it makes me feel like....trapped. Trapped is not a good feeling givin the things I have been through. How can she not understand that? Plus I keep thinking....What the hell is she going to do if I break the contract? I'll be dead and it won't much matter. So having said that I suppose I could sign it out of submission knowing it means nothing if it really came down to it. That just goes against my integrity and honesty though. The other reason for signing it is to keep her from admitting me to hospital which is her other standard "threat". Manipulated....that is how I feel.

This morning I am off to see the physciotrist about my meds. Suppose to evaluate the Celexa. Been 6 weeks on it now. IDK...I think I might ask him to increase the dose. I'm only on 20mg. Even if we increase it for a while till I get over this divorce crap and get my life headed down a little more consistant path. Then we need to talk about the sleeping meds. Had a bad reaction to them and am not going to take them any more. The other night I took a couple hits of pot. God I slept so good that night. 9 hours instead of the 3 to 5 I usually get. I knew from past experience that it has that affect on me. Toying with the idea of asking him about that. IDK....goes against everything I have been taught. However....the proof is there by experience. Though given my addictive tendencies (ie...perscription drug addiction) it may not be a safe thing for me. Though if I was getting enough sleep and not running on empty so much I wouldn't feel the need for fake boosts. Thinking out loud. Time to go think out loud to the guy who can answer my questions. Feel like a lab rat......

 

[James B.]

The other night I took a couple hits of pot. God I slept so good that night. 9 hours instead of the 3 to 5 I usually get. I knew from past experience that it has that affect on me. .

There's a lot of legitimate uses for this type of medication. And, there's a list of things on-line it can be prescribed for. Best wishes Pottershand.