Childhood How long did your "crisis" state last, once you started having flashbacks and nightmares of the CSA?

[Wonder Woman]

I'm looking for the light at the end of the tunnel (and hoping I'm not headed toward an on-coming train). I was strangled and raped when I was 12-years-old. For a variety of reasons, I have not been able to get the help I have needed, until recently. I am seeing a psychologist that I am trusting can help me heal.

Anyway, about four, maybe five, months ago I began having intrusive thoughts, body memories, flashbacks, and nightmares regarding this rape. I have not found medications particularly helpful. I have tried many throughout the years; some, I've tried two trials, years apart. So, please don't suggest medications. I do take Xanax every four or five days, just to get some sleep.

I was unable to cry for years, over anything. Now, I cry every day, multiple times a day, throughout the day and night. Supposedly, it's healthy and healing. However, I feel like a complete mess.

So, my question is: How long can I expect my entire life to revolve around this rape that happened over 30 years ago?

My body is being hijacked every night, and most days. My mind is held hostage. It invades me, even when I actively engage in "fun" activities. It just finds a way to creep inside my mind/body. I'm trying to not push it away, because that makes it worse. Still, I either relive the attack, or I feel as though it just happened yesterday.

Has this been anyone else's experience? How long did this state last?

Any help or hope to get through this would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am still going through it to some degree, but it has lessened to some degree also. Each person is different, so my experience will be different. I do find that writing in my journal and doing paintings as well as writing poetry helps a lot. I write my feelings down. I am so sorry for this that you have suffered. I pray things go better for you.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I am still going through it to some degree, but it has lessened to some degree also. Each person is different, so my experience will be different. I do find that writing in my journal and doing paintings as well as writing poetry helps a lot. I write my feelings down. I am so sorry for this that you have suffered. I pray things go better for you.

Thank you for responding. I journal most days, as well. I've also recently started writing poetry again, after not doing it for over 15 years. As far as paining, I'm not able to go there, yet. But I have been doodling and sketching. I listen to a lot of music and try to positively escape into good books or audiobooks when I get overwhelmed, but lately it isn't working.

The body memories and flashbacks just keep invading. They are getting more frequent and more intense the last few weeks. It is very frightening. I feel so exhausted and overwhelmed much of the time.

I survived the actual abuse, but I'm not sure I can endure this much longer. ?

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I’m just going to quote what a mental health professional said to me a little while ago. You know I didn’t thank her for it at the time but it has actually helped.

She said you need to go back to basics. You need to work on your coping strategies and techniques you’ve learned and used and forgotten about. Build on them and use them everyday, it’s a practice.

So I thought about all the stuff I’m not doing because I’m living in a shattered shell that’ll break if I move a muscle. The things that help, I’m not doing them because I’m in fight, flight, freeze mode. Self care/ compassion practices, grounding techniques, cbt/dbt skills etc. All out the window in a particularly bad symptomatic time when I kept getting retriggered, raw and exposed. When I need them so much I’m not using them. it’s like unplugging the 3D printer that’s printing your new shell because you need the outlet to plug in a lamp so you can see how bad the shell you’re in is.

I don’t think anyone could tell you how long or give you a timetable. I’m sorry I wish I knew for myself. But it won’t always be this raw, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now.

 

[somerandomguy]

It's been almost exactly two years since my crisis state began. I'd say I got through the worst after 18 months or so, with things getting noticeably better after a year. I'm not a CSA survivor, and that might have something to do with my relatively short timetable.

But I'll echo @NoWhereKnowWhere - the timetable is really different for everyone. Are you in trauma therapy, @Wonder Woman? Because I don't think I would have gotten out of my crisis phase at all without a few really good trauma therapists.

 

[Ronin]

How long with you, ditto others, no idea. But things get better. That you're able to remember & process it, on any level, is a good sign. That feels terrible... but is a good thing.

Differing traumas / my CSA was tangled in the earliest combat in life & other schtuff that I kept trying to repress as dealing with much of the same, teen & adult style...

But when it first popped up it was halfa year before I locked it back down. Two years the other round I tried therapy on it. And a lot of it I'm still not stable enough to tackle, so we'll pretend that never happened some more. ;)

 

[Wonder Woman]

I’m just going to quote what a mental health professional said to me a little while ago. You know I didn’t thank her for it at the time but it has actually helped.

She said you need to go back to basics. You need to work on your coping strategies and techniques you’ve learned and used and forgotten about. Build on them and use them everyday, it’s a practice.

So I thought about all the stuff I’m not doing because I’m living in a shattered shell that’ll break if I move a muscle. The things that help, I’m not doing them because I’m in fight, flight, freeze mode. Self care/ compassion practices, grounding techniques, cbt/dbt skills etc. All out the window in a particularly bad symptomatic time when I kept getting retriggered, raw and exposed. When I need them so much I’m not using them. it’s like unplugging the 3D printer that’s printing your new shell because you need the outlet to plug in a lamp so you can see how bad the shell you’re in is.

I don’t think anyone could tell you how long or give you a timetable. I’m sorry I wish I knew for myself. But it won’t always be this raw, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now.

You are so right. I'm so raw and exhausted that it is hard just doing the basics. For example, I am resisting with all of my might abusing myself. When these body memories invade me, I feel dirty, filthy, gross and have a tendency to compulsively over-wash and scrub the daylights out of my body. As a result, I try to avoid the bathroom. But then I'm not taking care of myself, because I skip showering altogether as a way to avoid scrubbing myself raw. I can't seem to achieve a middle-ground.

Unfortunately, that is my life all or nothing, no balance, everything in extremes.

I've been celibate for 20 years, because I make terribly unhealthy decisions when it comes to men. I use to overwork myself. Now, I am unable to work at all. Throw myself into helping others, being a good mom, friend, volunteer, or completely avoid and isolate myself. I want to be on an even keil, but I don't know how to get there.

 

[Wonder Woman]

It's been almost exactly two years since my crisis state began. I'd say I got through the worst after 18 months or so, with things getting noticeably better after a year. I'm not a CSA survivor, and that might have something to do with my relatively short timetable.

But I'll echo @NoWhereKnowWhere - the timetable is really different for everyone. Are you in trauma therapy, @Wonder Woman? Because I don't think I would have gotten out of my crisis phase at all without a few really good trauma therapists.

Thank you for your response.

Yes. I have very good trauma trained/experienced psychologist. She has the patience of Job. I've been resistant in the past to the real work, and she has put-up with so much of my bullsh*t. Also, she has helped me to understand that my past resistance was born out of self-protection. (I have had numerous bad experiences with disclosing my CSA and rape, as well as encountered retraumatizing professionals on my search for help.)

Any how, the psychologist I'm seeing just says this is part of the process, and it's typical for things to get worse before they get better. She gave me techniques for visualizing my abuse on a t.v. screen in my mind, before going to bed to hopefully avert the nightmares. Quite honestly, this technique is heartbreaking for me, because I realize just how completely helpless I was; how poweless I was against the rapist; how horrific what happened was. I just end up backing away, and mourning for my younger self, because she didn't stand a chance against that predator and she didn't deserve that. Then I struggle to fall asleep, and if I do sleep, the nightmare comes.

I'm simply tired of suffering. That's all. Looking for a tiny glimmer of hope, or something that will help.

 

[Wonder Woman]

How long with you, ditto others, no idea. But things get better. That you're able to remember & process it, on any level, is a good sign. That feels terrible... but is a good thing.

Differing traumas / my CSA was tangled in the earliest combat in life & other schtuff that I kept trying to repress as dealing with much of the same, teen & adult style...

But when it first popped up it was halfa year before I locked it back down. Two years the other round I tried therapy on it. And a lot of it I'm still not stable enough to tackle, so we'll pretend that never happened some more. ;)

Thank you for your honest answer.

Like you, I have been on the carousel of trying to seek help, retreat, seek help, retreat. However, this time is very different for me, because:

1. I think I actually am trusting the psychologist who I'm working with this time around.

2. I am actually feeling my feelings, not just all in my head intellectually trying to figure things out.

3. I am older, and I want to do some actual living, before my life is over. My motivation is much stronger than my fear. Before my fear paralyzed me.

4. My son is an adult now, so I can truly take the time I need to unearth all the crap that I've been buried under all these years.

So, while I feel absolutely miserable pretty much every second of the day right now, I am committed to this process. I have never felt whole, and I am hoping that someday I will.

I just need some help, because the agony is so intense and pervasive.

 

[Ronin]

Sounds that may need maybe more pauses and/or building up self soothing skills, joy refilling, happy making memories and how to make happy memories, where & how find things that uplift you and bring them into your life, things like that.

Solid hope and cope to fall back onto, from resources you already have and those you can acquire a new, before you go deeper in the trauma work territory.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Sounds that may need maybe more pauses and/or building up self soothing skills, joy refilling, happy making memories and how to make happy memories, where & how find things that uplift you and bring them into your life, things like that.

Solid hope and cope to fall back onto, from resources you already have and those you can acquire a new, before you go deeper in the trauma work territory.

Thank you for the feedback. Yes, I kind of think that way, too. However, my psychologist seems to think I need to be gently pushed at this time. She has about 30 years experience. So, I'm going to trust her. Still, I plan on sharing this with her, because I feel so awful so much of the time. It's as though a lifetime of abusive situations and relationships and pain I've unwittingly brought upon myself are all hitting me at once. I'm so overwhelmed and at a loss.

 

[Rumors]

@Wonder Woman I could have written your post myself. I seem to go in and out of being able to cope good enough to not being able to cope at all. I have been in therapy a long time. Maybe 10 years. Been working on the CSA the last 4-ish. I have the body memories which are painful and make me feel bad. They are overwhelming at times. I don't sleep really at all. Its hard. I am really sorry and I hope you are able to find a coping skill that works.