TruthSeeker
Diamond Member
@HealingMama I came out of 2 relationships with men with narcissistic personality styles.....and a sociopathic brother....very narcissistic, too. Do you have "triangulation" going on? That is another hallmark of being caught up in narcissistic relationships. The narcissist is a master manipulator and manipulates others as well to make you feel bad, incompetent, and crazy. Sad thing is that he believes what he's doing is right, and does not see your point of view-and can't....needs to continue his bad behavior to feel in control. Narcissists have relationships that center around make them feel like they are right. They can't stand being alone, and do an awful job as a partner being with someone. There is never a "we" relationship....they are "I/my/mine" and the we, our, ours is not often in the vocabulary. The relationship is not fair or even....the narcissist lets you know that they are the best/better than you, or know more than you do to always keep the focus on how wonderful and smart they are and what a loser you are. They can't feel empathy-but on occasion, can appear (fake) to sympathize..... Their excessive need for control allows them to feel a faux life balance by being in control and triangulation is often a part of that. They get kicks off of hurting others or getting a family/friend to agree with them in your presence....kinda ganging up........an awful kind of narcisstic energy thing. They enjoy other's pain. There are phases in narcissistic relationships...grooming (such a sweet time....I thought my husband was like a knight in shining armor) but that didn't last very long till we were married......then, over time, as all family relationships change, reunification w his own daughter, grandchildren born....I was no longer needed....he had new family to see him as Mr. Wonderful....things went down hill from there. Then they are dragged into it slowly, and manipulatively....and rewarded when they behave ugly to me, and ignored when they were nice. The dynamic of narcissism is widespread throughout the family...and a learned behavior. When you as the spouse of a narcissist are headed out the door (final relationship phase with the narcissist), that is the hardest time....because they see you like a traitor and try to get others to see you that way too......and the dynamics are black and white-you are either "in" and onboard with their expectations and accept mistreatment or "out". When you know you are headed "out" the door, the narcissist will be more obvious and actually call you crazy, mean, and near the end.....you will be dismissed, like you weren't really anyone....anyway ever....this is common and did happen to me. I was called a no-one....Narcissists also have an uncanny ability to rally support from various family members, tell and twist facts till they are lies, and get others to see how "mean" you are when you set boundaries, and they will do whatever they have to to stay in control. Manipulating, lying, spying on you, going through your stuff, etc...to know what you are doing so they can plan a counter move......all a part of it...while in same house separated, I was abused going out the door and once gone....he tried several times to "hook me back in" ....he did hook my daughter in and she moved back in w him. I don't have contact with her....she has many issues, and he will make sure she stays ill.....
Anyway, I can empathize with your situation...been there, done that....but your decision to break away.....fantastic, hard, and will be worth your effort and pain in the end. It will be quiet alone....but you won't get criticized or told you are crazy....The crazy one is the narcissist....and they are just pittiful people inside with lots of their own emptiness and pain....and acting on it. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY-.well,let me say being around a narcissist....does tend to change how we would normally react...but you aren't crazy.....and the sooner you are gone.......the more you'll recognize the rest of the world doesn't act the same way.
On a different note, I had my first T tell me I was parts, tell me she believed in parts, let me talk in therapy while dissociating for over an hr each time.... and not implement any grounding measures. I told her she needed to work on grounding....she said I already knew it all. I didn't. She made it worse and made me believe I had many parts..... This new T doesn't let that go on....she requires I stay grounded...and cuts the conversation if it's overwhelming. The new T isn't focusing on parts right now....she's focused on function...and communication w parts on an as-needed basis. I have medical trauma, with a variety of other sex related trauma, and TBI that also has helped to make the dissociative piece more complex...I got parts....but not ones I don't know about (like DID). My old T tried to call me DID, but I didn't believe it...then she changed her mind, and went with OSDD. That's FU there, she was messed up....so I left (another chapter). This T says I'm definitely not DID, and she'd agree with OSDD. I'm not hanging my hat on labels.....but, parts can be fun....and they can also cause conflict in my head. If I have good external control (scheduling, paying bills-keeping roof over head, and contol over other relationships so they don't cause hurt) I manager very well-now but I didn't always. If I get off schedule-then things can start to go awry. And a pandemic...I had to post my calendar and get creative about a schedule to stay in balance. I also did shamanic journey once a month, and all groups cancelled. That has been one of the best things for communication with parts....super helpful!
Now, as a school teacher, I learned a day off from school was time to have fun and party (like snow, hurricane, power outage, ice,etc.). Pandemics have processed similarly so it's been homemade pizza, playiing games online, and watched fun or funny shows. Going to the store, to prepare for a pandemic....was hard because I'm pulled to put the nonessentials like Reeses in the cart (pandemics = party or free time!), pulled to get lots of sodas-7-6packs-everyone will hoard the Coke, right? I have many what if's in my head simultaneously while I'm struggling to get through the store safely, tossing things I might need that I never buy in the cart (like , all the while the protective part of me is like on red alert....."We have to be 6 feet apart...." and I'm not particularly nice....handing a wipe to the poor boy behind the counter telling him to wipe his hands before putting them on my food!" And there is a mother letting her little ones too close....and I say something curt like....children are carriers of the virus.....could you have them stand back?" grrrr.......dumb ass parents I think. My shopping trips can get weird. I use weird, or unique, or creative.....they have a more positive twist....and yeah....I'm not identifying my parts with a chart....
The first time I lived alone EVER, in this house was about 3 yrs ago....a hurricane is coming.....I had no batteries, and ended up with 200.00 worth of batteries, all kinds of shit in my basket I didn't need.......while funny-now, and I can still laugh about it, it was a sad bill for my credit card....and then, it was all I could do to push the cart, and keep more chips and salsa, cookies and stuff like that out of my basket. There were other places parts of me just had to stop (Michaels for art supplies, Besst Buy for a back up power pack for the phone, the sporting good store-2 lanterns and matches, Harris Teeter...had to have their fried chicken, fried cooked wontons, and cheese for mac and cheese (fav comfort food)...and several other stops and when I got the errands done....the head noise stopped....All was back in balance internally.....and the party could begin.....but while I was in the store, I was a dissociative mess....because the underlying feeling inside was fear....hurry to prepare....so very protective...... still those batteries 3 years later.and I've used a number of them........good thing they last for 10 years! So, my biggest issues are circumstances in which the outcome is uncertain...I might get carried away....and that is just an awful feeling being pulled in so many directions at once. I still can laugh about it though....but communication has helped.
And today I think....everyone else was out buying up batteries, running around, being a crazy last minute shopper....I wonder how many of them went to multiple stores because (like Magnum) a little voice told them so?
Anyway, I can empathize with your situation...been there, done that....but your decision to break away.....fantastic, hard, and will be worth your effort and pain in the end. It will be quiet alone....but you won't get criticized or told you are crazy....The crazy one is the narcissist....and they are just pittiful people inside with lots of their own emptiness and pain....and acting on it. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY-.well,let me say being around a narcissist....does tend to change how we would normally react...but you aren't crazy.....and the sooner you are gone.......the more you'll recognize the rest of the world doesn't act the same way.
On a different note, I had my first T tell me I was parts, tell me she believed in parts, let me talk in therapy while dissociating for over an hr each time.... and not implement any grounding measures. I told her she needed to work on grounding....she said I already knew it all. I didn't. She made it worse and made me believe I had many parts..... This new T doesn't let that go on....she requires I stay grounded...and cuts the conversation if it's overwhelming. The new T isn't focusing on parts right now....she's focused on function...and communication w parts on an as-needed basis. I have medical trauma, with a variety of other sex related trauma, and TBI that also has helped to make the dissociative piece more complex...I got parts....but not ones I don't know about (like DID). My old T tried to call me DID, but I didn't believe it...then she changed her mind, and went with OSDD. That's FU there, she was messed up....so I left (another chapter). This T says I'm definitely not DID, and she'd agree with OSDD. I'm not hanging my hat on labels.....but, parts can be fun....and they can also cause conflict in my head. If I have good external control (scheduling, paying bills-keeping roof over head, and contol over other relationships so they don't cause hurt) I manager very well-now but I didn't always. If I get off schedule-then things can start to go awry. And a pandemic...I had to post my calendar and get creative about a schedule to stay in balance. I also did shamanic journey once a month, and all groups cancelled. That has been one of the best things for communication with parts....super helpful!
Now, as a school teacher, I learned a day off from school was time to have fun and party (like snow, hurricane, power outage, ice,etc.). Pandemics have processed similarly so it's been homemade pizza, playiing games online, and watched fun or funny shows. Going to the store, to prepare for a pandemic....was hard because I'm pulled to put the nonessentials like Reeses in the cart (pandemics = party or free time!), pulled to get lots of sodas-7-6packs-everyone will hoard the Coke, right? I have many what if's in my head simultaneously while I'm struggling to get through the store safely, tossing things I might need that I never buy in the cart (like , all the while the protective part of me is like on red alert....."We have to be 6 feet apart...." and I'm not particularly nice....handing a wipe to the poor boy behind the counter telling him to wipe his hands before putting them on my food!" And there is a mother letting her little ones too close....and I say something curt like....children are carriers of the virus.....could you have them stand back?" grrrr.......dumb ass parents I think. My shopping trips can get weird. I use weird, or unique, or creative.....they have a more positive twist....and yeah....I'm not identifying my parts with a chart....
The first time I lived alone EVER, in this house was about 3 yrs ago....a hurricane is coming.....I had no batteries, and ended up with 200.00 worth of batteries, all kinds of shit in my basket I didn't need.......while funny-now, and I can still laugh about it, it was a sad bill for my credit card....and then, it was all I could do to push the cart, and keep more chips and salsa, cookies and stuff like that out of my basket. There were other places parts of me just had to stop (Michaels for art supplies, Besst Buy for a back up power pack for the phone, the sporting good store-2 lanterns and matches, Harris Teeter...had to have their fried chicken, fried cooked wontons, and cheese for mac and cheese (fav comfort food)...and several other stops and when I got the errands done....the head noise stopped....All was back in balance internally.....and the party could begin.....but while I was in the store, I was a dissociative mess....because the underlying feeling inside was fear....hurry to prepare....so very protective...... still those batteries 3 years later.and I've used a number of them........good thing they last for 10 years! So, my biggest issues are circumstances in which the outcome is uncertain...I might get carried away....and that is just an awful feeling being pulled in so many directions at once. I still can laugh about it though....but communication has helped.
And today I think....everyone else was out buying up batteries, running around, being a crazy last minute shopper....I wonder how many of them went to multiple stores because (like Magnum) a little voice told them so?
