Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

I suggest you consider that you are in a pandemic, and your's and almost everyone else around you are hyperaroused in one way or another.....some feeling confined, freedoms limited, and grumpy. That is the word everyone I know is using....or feeling like a bitch-from my women friends. The only thing that is a relief for me is either getting out and exercising hard.....for about an hour till I'm huffing it and know I'm impacted aerobically, or getting away for several hours to the beach with my camera. Apparently, removing myself from the unpleasant place home seems to be right now gives me instant relief...and walking the beach is super helpful, as is the trails. I exercise in the morning, then it doesn't impact my sleep. Find a short term purpose....that is something that has helped.
Good luck there, and while living in the house with someone else is challenging in a pandemic, when the rules have changed,
try creating a game night, pizza night (make your own), backyard cookout night.....margarita night, and get some things done you haven't had time for. Consider making your focus on making lemons (our situation) into lemonade. Consider a schedule...margharita night, game night, pizza/beer night, funny movie day.....Canasta....whatever soothes your groove and put it on the calendar.....things for you, things for both of you.....you can make this a positive memory or focus on the shit of the situation and stew.....and all you will remember is a shitty time. Right now, when everyone's anxiety is raised is not a good time to be having serious conversations about your feelings....because they are exacerbated by the circumstances. Look for fun and things that calm....be creative....find it, do it. Good luck.

Yes you are absolutely right - there is a lot of hyperarousal going on right now! I think considering that we literally never get space from each other my family is coping really well. We are actually fighting less than normal. Exercising hard definitely helps with me also. Trying to find ways to make this time easy on us. Last night we had a couple of drinks and played Scrabble after we put Wonder Jr. to bed. It was really nice. I agree - I have been trying to hold everything lightly in a time when nobody has a way to escape. Thank you for the wonderful advice.

 

[HealingMama]

I have given way too many people access to me. I have not been able to feel justified in holding boundaries of separation and self protection.

I had a taste of what it is like to have good boundaries and then almost immediately whored myself out again. This time to my husband. I shared some information with him about my healing and I guess I shouldn't have because I opened myself up to him in a way that feels like it is working against my goals and intentions.

I would like to claim my body and my space as mine. I would like to not give myself away. I would like to own my heart and my body.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Went through my shamanic healing today. My shaman was shown an image of an "old white man" with the energy of sexual abuse so maybe I have sexual abuse in my history after all. Some other things were revealed that I find too embarrassing to discuss here.

I also have ancestral spirits protecting me. I have Indigenous ancestry which the shaman did not actually know before he did his thing. Apparently I have a large Thunderbird with me who is adamant of the need to protect me until further notice. Pretty interesting that this happened when the shaman didn't know about my lineage.

I am somewhat distracted by this revelation of having an ancestral protector. I am feeling better since the shamanic work. My shaman who is also a psychotherapist said, "nobody who went through what I saw you had gone through would make it out of that without some level of fracture." And "you have a really strong core self to have gone through what you did and be as functional and stable as you are." So that's cool. I am also supposed to connect with an ally - the TIger. I have connected with Crow medicine and Otter medicine but this is the first time I've been clued into the Tiger.
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I'm glad you found your compassionate ancestral spiritual protector. That will be a huge help on your journeys...and allow you to journey to the middle world more safely, and do trauma work, with a protective, safe and trusted companion to guide you and help you to feel safe.

I find great peace in personal Shamanic journey work. I have not delved into asking for the energy or intervention from my shaman or fellow journeyers within respect to the realm of Shamanic healing work....but have done mostly everything healing on my own within a journey circle. I am grateful for that experience. We currently aren't meeting...I miss that.

I have created a Sacred Garden....it is a safe place to do trauma work, and meet up with parts...or find missing parts of myself. My Sacred garden is much nicer now....at first sight, it was not very pretty.....vegetation was pretty dead. Flowers are growing.....trees are blooming....my internal sacred space is looking much better.It is in

I have a compassionate dragon spirit, it's green and happy, smiles with a big grin, and tells jokes. I rarely tell jokes, and don't remember them when they are told to me. While others I know who have dragon spirits that are aligned with the elements of the earth, this dragon appears goofy in comparison....and it's purpose, to help me be happy...who knew I'd get a compassionate dragon spirit with a sense of humor?

In contrast, my compassionate helping spirit in this world, the eagle, was the first real world spirit guide I encountered in life. The eagle appears in real life when I am under tremendous stress....and that appearance reduces stress instantaneously. I encountered a magnificent eagle spirit guide, who is always with me on Shamanic journeys. This spirit guide is much more impressive in size and looks, speaks only when necessary, but is always makes me feel safe when I journey.

It is interesting to share and hear other peoples experiences related to journeywork, healing work, and compassionate spirit guides.

Have you done soul retrieval work, dismemberment, or middle world trauma work?

 

[Deanna]

I have given way too many people access to me. I have not been able to feel justified in holding boundaries of separation and self protection.

I had a taste of what it is like to have good boundaries and then almost immediately whored myself out again. This time to my husband. I shared some information with him about my healing and I guess I shouldn't have because I opened myself up to him in a way that feels like it is working against my goals and intentions.

I would like to claim my body and my space as mine. I would like to not give myself away. I would like to own my heart and my body.

I wouldn't tell him about my growth. What is big to you, might be taken wrong and you're not too fond of his communication style anyway.

I'm just private when it comes to my inner self because if it is taken wrong, I'll fly off the handle. I'm good enough for me. I don't need to prove myself, especially to a man.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I wouldn't tell him about my growth. What is big to you, might be taken wrong and you're not too fond of his communication style anyway.

I'm just private when it comes to my inner self because if it is taken wrong, I'll fly off the handle. I'm good enough for me. I don't need to prove myself, especially to a man.

Amen-on your last sentence. I see this like a circle or diagram....everyone has a white area (stuff we don't care if our crappy family or even enemies know), a more colorful spot.......maybe more private stuff not appropriate for dinner conversation....like some minor secrets, family drama we aren't proud of, and things we wish we hadn't done...or could do over....that we would tell only a very trusted someone or someone we feel "really understands us" , and then there is the dark spot stuff. Some people's dark spot is really small...a trauma way back when.....and others...a whole lot of trauma making that dark spot feel massive....like those who are diagnosed PTSD, C-PTSD, OSDD, DID...with all that goes with those diagnosis, have a much bigger dark spot I think...lots more shame over lots more stuff....and many may never disclose (for fear that info will be used inappropriately later-creating vulnerability)-these things make us feel do different, broken, and ashamed. I say, we have a right to our dark spot....and being private about our feelings (this is not secret keeping) it is privacy. I used to tell everything so I was sure I was honest and would never get caught in a lie........and I did. It was used to hurt me.....years later. Protect yourself...keep your dark shit for your T-privacy is normal.

 

[HealingMama]

Have you done soul retrieval work, dismemberment, or middle world trauma work?

I have done soul retrieval but it was incomplete. I am familiar with Sandra Ingerman and her work speaks to me. I feel that I went through a dismemberment process years ago.... It is a long story. I spent some time kind of in a cult (virtually) and it was very dismantling. I let go of a lot of my ego personality.

I have been interested in shamanic healing for many years, drawn partly by my ancestry. I was reading last night how a lot of white people think they are part Cherokee and most of them are full of it, but I have had family tree stuff done for this connection.

It's so weird, I have absolutely no emotional connection to the information about having a perpetrator against my child self. There was more sexually oriented information in the journey that I also have no emotional connection to. I guess that stuff is with different parts.

I am primarily a somatic oriented person so in the past I've tried to journey and it hasn't felt like it worked properly. I can journey really well when I am psychically close to someone that journeys. I tend to more use the external world to give me signs and symbols. Because I dissociate I can go into trance really easily. I have no real formal training in shamanic work though. I've often wanted to do it. I actually did soul retrieval for a friend years ago.... I could feel the sexual abuse energy on her, which came up in conversation. She had not told any of us about that part of her past. I went and found the part and brought it back. But since then I have learned that I need to be grounded more than I need to fly around like that especially if I have boundary issues so I stopped doing that stuff for anyone but myself.

 

[HealingMama]

Amen-on your last sentence. I see this like a circle or diagram....everyone has a white area (stuff we don't care if our crappy family or even enemies know), a more colorful spot.......maybe more private stuff not appropriate for dinner conversation....like some minor secrets, family drama we aren't proud of, and things we wish we hadn't done...or could do over....that we would tell only a very trusted someone or someone we feel "really understands us" , and then there is the dark spot stuff. Some people's dark spot is really small...a trauma way back when.....and others...a whole lot of trauma making that dark spot feel massive....like those who are diagnosed PTSD, C-PTSD, OSDD, DID...with all that goes with those diagnosis, have a much bigger dark spot I think...lots more shame over lots more stuff....and many may never disclose (for fear that info will be used inappropriately later-creating vulnerability)-these things make us feel do different, broken, and ashamed. I say, we have a right to our dark spot....and being private about our feelings (this is not secret keeping) it is privacy. I used to tell everything so I was sure I was honest and would never get caught in a lie........and I did. It was used to hurt me.....years later. Protect yourself...keep your dark shit for your T-privacy is normal.

You both raise a good point. I did mention to my husband a couple of weeks ago that my T wonders if I have been sexually abused and how I didn't know the answer. My husband said he had wondered about that too based on some of my actions.

You are both right. I am overly honest, it is a side effect of being trained out of having boundaries. Some things can remain private. My husband was coming onto me last night and I said I'm integrating some things and left it at that. I figure if my body is healing from sexual abuse and being tied to a bunch of sexual energy stuff then I need to give it some space.

 

[HealingMama]

Finally got my spouse into therapy.
And I'm having terrible compulsions related to it that I'd rather process here than act on.

I have begged him for months and years to get into therapy for cognitive restructuring relative to ADHD self talk issues, and for self esteem. For defensiveness and perfectionism.

And I have a feeling he's not using the therapy that way. Our relationship has been really toxic and my spouse has a right to his own perspective about it but if he uses the therapy for that rather than working on himself then I will be waiting with this false hope of behavior changes in him based on what I originally asked him to do.

He thinks I am a control freak and I guess the idea of wanting to target his own individual therapy is actually pretty controlling.

I just have this incredibly desperate place inside that has asked, begged, for something to happen, and he is finally doing it but what if he isn't doing what we agreed on?

Ugh. When you don't know what to do, do nothing.

 

[Deanna]

I just have this incredibly desperate place inside that has asked, begged, for something to happen, and he is finally doing it but what if he isn't doing what we agreed on?

You can't control this outcome. He might be in there just to satisfy you, might be in there for himself, or might think the whole thing is stupid. I don't know. He's not who you want him to be anyway. ( thats not a dig just my 02) I do hope it works out.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Finally got my spouse into therapy.
And I'm having terrible compulsions related to it that I'd rather process here than act on.

I have begged him for months and years to get into therapy for cognitive restructuring relative to ADHD self talk issues, and for self esteem. For defensiveness and perfectionism.

And I have a feeling he's not using the therapy that way. Our relationship has been really toxic and my spouse has a right to his own perspective about it but if he uses the therapy for that rather than working on himself then I will be waiting with this false hope of behavior changes in him based on what I originally asked him to do.

He thinks I am a control freak and I guess the idea of wanting to target his own individual therapy is actually pretty controlling.

I just have this incredibly desperate place inside that has asked, begged, for something to happen, and he is finally doing it but what if he isn't doing what we agreed on?

Ugh. When you don't know what to do, do nothing.

I think different people enter therapy for different reasons. Take care of you, focus on your therapy, and stop worrying abou the outcome......you can submarine something that has potential.....just let it happen, and stay totally focused on getting yourself in a better spot. Therapy takes time....

 

[Deanna]

I think different people enter therapy for different reasons. Take care of you, focus on your therapy, and stop worrying abou the outcome......you can submarine something that has potential.....just let it happen, and stay totally focused on getting yourself in a better spot. Therapy takes time....

Like the way you worded that. Thanks a bunch! An old AA slogan is first I take care of me and the rest falls in place!

 

[HealingMama]

Thanks @TruthSeeker and @Deanna you are right I cannot control it and people do therapy for a lot of different reasons.

I did ask him if he would be willing to tell me whether he included our pre-arranged focus in his treatment goals or if he chose to focus elsewhere because if I think he's doing x but he's doing y it might be confusing. Before he even saw my message he was very open with me about the initial appointment and his thoughts about it and did not hesitate to answer my question. I am trying to be better about respecting different levels of need for privacy. I was raised to be forced open, and expect a level of information that is not always normal because I was forced to share so much. So, this is a good adjustment in recognizing that there is variation and respecting that and trying to focus my attention on my own stuff.

I'm sure his path will meander as we all do on our journeys. I am proud of myself for processing here before taking that anxiety directly to him. One day I will be able to bypass the anxiety altogether but I am not there right now.

TruthSeeker I really like your use of the word submarine as a verb. Very nice.

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My shamanic healing is hitting me really hard today. Suddenly feeling the feelings. Lots of sadness and weird sensations in my sacral area where the bulk of the work was done. Very depressed. I've had a child part here with me sharing some of what she's had to carry alone. This is hard work.